Things I Thoroughly Despise with a Burning Passion

Now when I was little and I used to say the word ‘hate’ my mom would look me in the eye and say, “Christina, Hate is a strong word.” Most children would disregard this. But my mother is not a lady you cross (seriously as the boys I grew up with, they are STILL a little scared of her). All she had to do was give me the look. It could make a grown man wet his pants. Instead of using the word hate so my mother can know she has had a profound effect on my life..I have titled this blog

Things I Thoroughly Despise with a Burning Passion

Wet Towels on the Bed- If you put your towel on my bed I will revoke your towel privileges. How does it feel to drip dry in the shower? Shake like a dog? Try to use toilet paper to get dry? Sorry I’m not sorry.

Out of control facial hair- I am very vocal about my dislike for unkempt facial hair. No Shave November nearly Put me over the edge. Seriously I was walking around with a razor in my purse with some barbisol chasing after the atrocity of beards that were in a 3 mile radius. Now that its December, please keep it to a minimum gentleman. I’m trying to avoid beard burn during the holidays.

The Annoying Guy at the Party- Why is he so close to my face? Why is it that everywhere I go he seems to find me? Even when I go pee he tries to come to the bathroom with me. I literally just ran away mid-conversation and he didn’t take the hint. He offered me alcohol and I refused. This should be a great hint at my lack of interest. I am so confused.

Shia, my love..has no idea I exist. He also still looks hot with a broken arm. Swoon.

Hot Guy that is totally not interested in me and by hate (sorry mom) I totally mean I still want you but have come to the sad realization that we will no longer lock eyes across a crowded dance floor and find love in a hopeless place.

SERIOUSLY!

Girls who look good at the gym- Dear Gym Bitties, take off the eyeliner, stop wearing so much spandex and color coordinating your outfit. It’s sickening. Ok, I will admit it. I am a little jealous. You do look really pretty while running. What is your secret to not sweating? Why don’t you look tired after four miles? Oh now you’re going to do an ab workout? You’re a stupid bitch.

The two freshman in the corner making out at a party- Okay, so after four years of college you learn that making out in public probably isn’t one of the best ideas you’ve had. It’s okay we all do it. So when I see the two drunk children making out in the corner while dry humping each other I get a little nostalgic..okay... not really that’s friggin' disgusting take it back to your freshman dorm please.


Forehead Kisses- This is a little inaccurate. Forehead kisses are great. They are endearing and show you care in a protective, “I will punch someone in the face if they hurt you” kind of way. It’s very sweet. But I think that they should be reserved for the far and few. Forehead kisses should not be given away like free candy. They should be kept locked up awaiting for someone who you will not only attack a human being for but who makes your stomach do the flip flop nana banana bing bong.

The Dumb Crying Bitch- She’s probably crying about some asshole who clearly isn’t as invested in the relationship as she is or else he would be there making her laugh and paying for her drinks. She’s got her entire girl posse rubbing her back, giving her inspirational advice like “He probably just has a hard time expressing himself emotionally because he’s a guy”. What a load of bullshit that is. Pick your friend up give her a shot of tequila, tell her the fucking truth, peel her off the bar at the end of the night, and help her put her pjs on when you take her home.

One Word Answers- OK. SURE. YES. NO. COOL. GREAT.

When you think you’re the man- We get it, everyone loves you. Your smart, charming, attractive, funny...does your list of talents ever end? You want to know what really makes you the man. Playing scrabble with your Nana every Monday. Forgetting you’re the man for five minutes to see how everyone around you is doing.





Well everyone, I know this blog was filled with entirely too much cheer so I just wanted to let you know that I LOVE puppies. They make my heart melt like a popsicle on the 4th of July. I am immediately a better, kinder, caring, and more considerate person when I am near a puppy. HINT HINT.

Happy Holidays,

Love (even though it doesn't exist)...The Bitter Bitch.

The Bitter Bitch Gives Thanks

It's that time of year again...where we all sit around the dinner table and tell people what un-selfish and non-superficial things in life we are thankful for. Because heaven forbid if we did that EVERY day.


So here it goes, a heartfelt thank you from the bottom of my heart...(yeah right.)

Wine: Where would I be without fermented grapes? Sober ...less enthusiastic...hanging out alone in my sweatpants. Just kidding, I drink in my sweats all the time, while listening to Dashboard Confessional or watching some sappy Grey’s Anatomy episode where something bad happens to Meredith. Oh wait, that is EVERY episode. But really my Pinot Grigio and Cabernet Sauvignon have played a major part my life this semester. Helping me through the weekends..oh okay and most weekdays. Somehow after one glass of wine..or 4 the world doesn’t piss me off so much. The bitter bitch might even hug you or make a sincere comment.  I cannot say the same for Chardonnay. That girl is a slut and I hope she casually slips down a moutain, falls into a river, and dissapears into the cold abyss.

Stilettos, Wedges, Pumps etc: Thank you to the man who decided that a women squeezing her feet into a pair of shoes that make her feel like her entire foot is being suffocated by an anaconda was a good idea. Not only does it provide us with a weapon against creeps but these things make our legs look thinner and longer. These shoes have the power to turn a grown man in the liquor store into a child as you peruse for your Skinny Girl Cocktails. They turn a dull boring outfit into that of a sex kitten ready to pounce on her prey. The only downside is they make it just a little difficult to run away. You will feel like you’ve run 2 miles when in reality your only 10 feet away and your boyfriend is standing there staring at you waiting for you to get tired and limp back.

Kissing: You know when you have been having the absolute worst day? Like you stepped in dog poop, fell down the stairs, failed a quiz, swore in front of a baby, and you have a spaghetti sauce ring around your lips? Then this stupid person holds your face, looks you in the eyes, and kisses you. And that’s it. Your skin starts buzzing and you want to smile but then you would ruin the kiss. The world sort of just stops. In that one little moment your mind goes quiet and that fact that your shoes smell and you feel like an utter failure doesn’t matter. But let me warn you all if you kiss someone for too long that might lead to feelings. I strongly discourage this type of behavior as in my years of wisdom this leads to a relationship that is undoubtedly doomed. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Molly O’Brion: Sometimes I might want to push her off a very small cliff but if anyone so much as even looks at her the wrong way my fangs come out. I once glared at one of her boyfriends in the hallway at school and to this day he still looks a little scared of me. She is my longest relationship (16 years) and counting! I can’t help but love her because she is OBSESSED with writing neatly, she once smacked her face off of a brick wall, and her dance moves and music preferences are all out horrendous. She also used to wear shoes like the spice girls and run around the playground in super high pigtails.  She has this great ability to find humor in the darkest of times, which is when it is the most important. She also plans to devote her life to the education of our future children. If that doesn't make you love her then you can go fuck yourself.

Boys: Gentleman, you are all relatively useless. But I am going to be stuck with one of you for my entire life one day so I am determined to be thankful.
The tall ones of you who can help me reach the wine glasses on the top shelf, you are like a heroic angel from heaven with your long arms.
Those of you who come to my rescue when I cannot open the pickle jar for the life of me, I am deeply appreciative. I will however still maintain that I loosened the cap for you.
Boys who give me free beer because I smiled and kissed you on the cheek. First of all you’re a sucker, second of all THANK YOU for the beer.
I am honestly trying to think of more things to be thankful for from you guys but I’m drawing a blank.

My Super Dysfunctional Family: I’m Italian. My family talks with their hands, their version of quiet is your version of yelling. We love garlic, basil, and tomatoes and our hearts are too big. We adopt animals at alarming rates, hate each other one minute and love another the next, we dance on table tops, promise our children ponies, and we can talk shit about our family all we want but if you even so much as make a small comment we will attack you like a pack of blood thirsty piranhas. Why? Because these are the people who pickup the phone at 2am when your crying your eyes out. They show up at all of your lame birthdays and make sure you wear proper clothing in the winter. They know every scar, favorite song, and weird habit. You're stuck with them. Get used to it and start appreciating it.

I'm sorry but these are not sweatpants. What is wrong with the world?

 Sweatpants: There is no greater creation than the elastic waist. For someone who struggles to wear pants on a daily basis sweatpants help to ease my trouble. It is pure bliss after a long day to slide into my UNH size large sweats (I bought a size up for extra comfort, I’m not REALLY a size large, STOP JUDGING ME). Guess what else I do? If I’ve over-indulged on dinner I pull them up just above my belly button to contain myself. I would be embarrassed but the sheer comfort of this act outweighs my shame. Can't wait to slip into a pair of these after Thanksgiving dinner...

The Bruins: Is that a 6 game winning streak we are on? Somewhere around 36ish goals? Despite the fact Seguin thinks it’s okay to grow a mustache I am completely in love with all of you. I wish I could express happiness and empty wine bottles these wins have brought me. THANK YOU.

Mascara: Some mornings I wakeup and I look in the mirror and it’s a scary sight. My hair is doing something strange, my nose ring hurts, and there are little goey/crusty things in the corners of my eyes. I tenderly refer to them as Eye Snot. Very appealing I know. I no longer wonder why I do not have a boyfriend, trust me. But with a quick splash of water and a couple of layers of mascara (a few more if I end up poking myself in the eye with the wand and have to take a break to wimper from the pain) but after that suddenly I have a decent looking set of eyes without eye snot. Mascara you are a god. Keep up the good work.

Bad Songs: You know that overly dramatic song skyscraper by Demi Lovato? What the fuck is going on? Why is she so upset, she’s at the beach. Sit down in a lawn chair hunny, have a pina colada and forget about being a skyscraper. That’s your problem. Your spending too much time wishing you were an inanimate object. Jesus Christ shutup, sit down, put on your bikini and stop whining. Without this song however, I would have no reason to be thankful for all the great songs that actually have meaning or a good beat.



All in all, the moral of the story is no matter how big or small there is always something to be thankful for. You just have to open your eyes and find the good. (Wait, that exists?)

Thank You (seriously, I still can't believe people read my blog.)

The Bitter Bitch

A Story about POT or not...

  Get ready kids, this is a good one.  *Note: I a posting this from a bus on my way to NYC via my blackberry, pictures and links will be up within the next week.

Another sidenote: THE BUS JUST BROKE DOWN! Awesome.

One time I decided to go visit my boyfriend (now an ex obviously, I'm a walking train wreck and the fact that we were two INCREDIBLY different people. Imagine a hippy and a business woman trying to date). Any who he went to college in Orono, ME aka where The University of Maine is. This was about a 2 hour drive from my hometown of Sopo (read awesome blog on sopo here).

Since I was 'so young' and the drive was 'so long' my mother strongly suggested I bring a friend with me. And by strongly suggested I mean I had no other choice. But my boyfriend was a little socially awkward so I really agreed a fun friend could only enhance the situation.

In addition to forcing me to bring a friend she also was determined my car would self destruct inspector gadget style within minutes of the 'really long journey'. My super sexy ford escort the vintage age of 1998 was banned from the roads of Northern Maine. I was to take her white suv. We switched cars at work (Hannaford, of course).

With Emily in the passenger seat and me at the wheel we hit the road (after a brief run in with a median strip in the Marshalls parking lot..I swear I didn't see it.) About 15 minutes into our voyage screaming at the top of our lungs to Pink's I'm not dead album Wendy calls. Her tone is frighteningly furious. (Anyone who knows my mom understands how freakin' scary she can be).

"Christina, I am in shock right now. I just cannot believe you"

"Uhhh...I'm sorry, what are you talking about..." (me extremely confused)

I'm thinking, she's probably disappointed that I hadn't vacuumed my car.

"I just cannot believe this...."

 Long pause.

"What the HELL are you talking about"

Now I'm seriously concerned.

"There is marijuana in your car!!!!"

 Cue me instantly laughing.

"Mom, I can assure you there is no marijuana in my car."

"CHRISTINA MARY!! Do not lie to me, I am looking right at it, it's still on the bud!'

Me laughing...

"...Mom I don't even know what that means..."

Meanwhile I'm seriously wondering how she knows this.

"Don't play dumb I'm staring at it, turn around you are not going Orono."

"Ok mom, I will turn around to prove to you that whatever you have found in my car is not weed"

So as I'm driving back...I'm starting to wonder if I smoke weed? Do I have a split personality who loves to get high and eat large amounts unhealthy snack foods? Am I unknowingly a psychotic pot head? Did that girl who hates me for stealing her boyfriend try to frame me? Government Conspiracy?

So I finally arrive at the gas station to meet my mom and get out of the car and into my sexy escy.

My mom shoves this crusty green thing in my face very assertively. As if she is Queen of Botany and I am a lowly gum shoe.

I take one look at it and stare at her in disbelief. I am utterly shocked. I can't even laugh because it isn't funny.

Why?

Because it's fucking dried up lettuce. My mom found dried up lettuce from a sandwich in my car and had me thinking I belonged in a mental institution or the government was setting me up. Over a piece of boston bibb lettuce.


Now put some Romaine in your pipe and smoke it.

xo Teen

Why it SUCKS to be a girl

Now gentleman, you cannot under any circumstances be angry at me about this one. Why? Because I already posted a blog about the shitty things that you have to deal with in life. I also REALLY do feel bad that you're not allowed to cry and when you get excited something pokes out of your pants for all the world to see.

But I am a lady. Okay, scratch that. I am a female. No seriously I am a lady. A man bowed to me just the other day. No that's not fucking weird...okay, maybe just a little.

ANYWAY...

The fact that I have ovaries and boobies and from time to time (or once EVERY MONTH for almost my entire life) they cause me lots of pain and maybe even one day will cause me 9 months and around 12+ hours of excruciating pain due to your stupid swimmers gives me the right to make a solid case on why is blows the big one (no pun intended) to be a girl.

1. You bleed at innapropriate times: On my 12th birthday I received a gift. The worst gift in the history of mankind. Besides the time my best friend gave me hair clips for Christmas or when my mom bought me a belly shirt when I was chubby 3rd grader. Mother nature hailed down from her mighty high horse and turned me into a woman. As much of a woman you can be at age 12 I supposed. As if I wasn't awkward enough with my red hair, gap tooth, and love for the power ranges I was blessed with Ant Flo.

Flo' feels the need to come during the most inconvenient times.

Like when you're no where near a bathroom, wearing tight white shorts, and with your friend and her dad.

On the plane on the way to your Senior Spring Break trip to The Bahamas.

During your lacrosse game, while you're guarding the most furious and wolflike female you've ever seen.

Just before your first date with this super hot guy wait... this obviously doesn't matter because NO self-respecting woman would sleep with a guy on their first date! No matter how Greek Godly he is. And this especially doesn't matter to me because I do not get asked out on dates.

Whatever, you get the picture. Feeling like your insides are being squeezed like a wet kitchen towell, while bloated with a giant zit right between your eyebrows is FUCKING AWFUL.

2. Men's ability to be NATURALLY pretty: Guys, I am so freaking envious that you can pop out of the shower all wet and drippy looking incredibly freaking sexy. You know what we look like? Drowned muskrats. Blotchy, bleeding (from slipping on the shaving cream mid-shave), and our hair..it is either dripping uncomfortably all over our back or in a turbie twist making us look like this guy.

All you do is fucking put on a pair of jeans, sneakers, and a t shirt and look awesome. We must then 'style our hair' , put on a bunch of makeup, squeeze into the worlds tightest jeans, a pushup bra, and some sort of shirt that makes us look more fashionable and sexy than the other bitches at the bar. Do you know how long it takes to master eyeliner? No, because you don't freaking NEED it.

Is this every unmarried woman's future?

3.  Not wanting to get MARRIED: If a guy says he doesn't want to get married he's the super cool bachelor who will always 'slay' hot chicks never having to live life 'on the leash'. When woman says that all of a sudden we are transformed into the creepy cat lady who is a baby hating alien with no wish to make sandwiches every morning at 5am for her 3 children while her husband snores upstairs in their egyptian cotton sheets.

4. Tights: Some men may actually wear tights and that's fine, you can totally sympathize. But when I was a kid I wanted to claw my mom's eyes out every holiday, communion, dumb family event she made me wear tights for. They are itchy, they fall down, and they cut off your circulation. As little boys you wore chinos, a Tommy hilfiger button up, and a sweater vest. That sounds to put it simply, like heaven.

She uses her boobs to pay off her college education!

5. I was going to talk about how it sucks to have boobs. But then I seriously reconsidered it. Boobs are powerful creatures. They help you to find your way out of a speeding ticket, get a couple of extra chicken nuggets at Wendys, and men are OBSESSED with them. If you learn to use your bubby powers the right way the occational soreness and wearing a bra don't seem like that big of a deal.

6. The cute, funny, fat girl will never be liked as much as the cute, funny, fat guy. Because she's a girl and it's sad that she's over-weight and not funny when she makes fun of herself because she's just insecure and hiding her true feelings. Such a bunch of bull. Men get away with being chubba's a lot easier than woman can.

7. Multitasking: It's hard for a guy to watch tv and have a conversations with you at the same time. Well I can make a three course meal, read a chapter for finance, watch Grey's Anatomy, fold laundry, and talk on the phone all at once. You may be thinking, "That doesn't suck at all". Well yes it does. Because woman are expected to do infinitely more things than men. If a guy wakes up at noon, showers, writes a paper, and drinks 10 beers that is considered to be a "productive" day. If I did that I would be a useless POS.

"Ahh, what a successful day, let me reward myself with a beer...or 20."

8. We have to marry you: You hairy, messy, loogie hocking, farting, angry, hornballs. And we take care of you, bear your children, all with a smile on our face. (I think it's because we're in love with you, but I'm not 100% because I think love is stupid and non-existant)

9. We push a 6-12 pound human being out of our vagina.

10.  See nine, about 10 more times.
 

Anywho, I still like being a girl more than a guy because of all the great benefits of having boobs.

Also, Boys you may notice that I KINDLY didn't mention that you can sleep with however many woman you want and be "THE MAN" but girls are whores. Mostly because you are way more discrete, composed, and tactful in your skanky decisions. I can respect that.Girls who sleep with three dudes in the same frat house really are whores and I cannot respect that. You at least have the decency to sleep with one girl from each athletic team or to not throw a fit at the bar when all three of your past hookups show up with a new girl.


Peace, Love, and Vagina's,

Teen

Hookups: In retrospect

My thoughts on hookups have changed darastically since freshman year of college. Here's a nice little story.

I believe a lot of college students begin this transformation sometime near the end of their sophomore year and beginning of their junior. At 18 new to the 'being on your own thing' (aka living in a dorm with a bunch of people your age, getting money from mom and dad every month and having a meal plan.) We were like hungry children in the candy store. Anything and everything was acceptable. We didn't much care what kind of candy it was just as long as it tasted good. So we picked our treats and woke up the next morning as they scampered on out.

Soon enough that feeling would come. Well, there are three 'feelings'. The sugar high would kick and you would find yourself crashing. You're left with a nasty headache from your over-indulgence and potentially the regret of too much sugar. Or perhaps you realize that the candy isn't that great and your instantly over it's brief endorphin rush. Sometimes, the candy becomes an addiction. Something you fiend for, a daily fix. But lets remember that's just what it is. You're 'fix'. That tasty treat you purchase in the bakery and devour in your car; disposing of the bag before anyone can see, is just dessert.

Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with sampling a nice chocolate ganache but just remember that you deserve your main entree. Don't forget that somewhere out there you have a slow braised osso bucco over risotto waiting for you. Dessert may be your weakness from time to time but the main entree, that's what fills you up. Remember that.


A Retrospective Dose of Teen