As I sit here with swollen tonsils, 2 day unwashed hair, in my pajamas, with my blankey, underneath my covers charging on demand movies to my dad's account.. I feel the need to give out some wisdom and guidance to the people of the world. I sit here thinking who the fuck is my target audience? Is it the dating challenged, is the dim-witted men I hate on so much, is it the over-zealous/batshit crazy women, the boring married couples, those who are just 'hooking up"?
(By the way look for a blog on the mysteries and ambiguities of hooking up quite soon!)
Well lucky for everyone I truly believe it is ALL of you. I mean you might be hooking up with someone but that doesn't mean you can't go on a date with someone else! Cause obviously hooking up has no clear boundries or guidelines and no one is going to have a conversation about "the rules" of seemingly random fondling. Right? Good, ok!
So I the self-proclaimed relationship expert (STOP LAUGHING) I am going to take a 'whack' at it. Despite the fact I just want to take a 'whack' at most men's heads. BOTH of them. Think about it.
Step One: You meet someone you are interested in...Don't just think "Oh wow, that person is awesome, I'd like to touch them innapropriately or you know consume food with them in a date-like setting" to yourself. APPROACH THEM. Find some clever way to get their number! Woo them with your awesomeness.
Not so Clever Tricks-
"Wait, why don't you have my number!?" ((grabs phone and enters))
"Oh my god, I love football! (No I don't...) my friends and I watch the game at "INSERT BAR NAME HERE" all the time.. you should come sometime...here's my number!"
Or just pull a me and get drunk and put your number in their phone and walk away.
The super shy like to send a Facebook message... (This is good because if the person doesn't respond you are not openly shut-down and your ego suffers the least amount of bruising.)
Step Two: This one is a little difficult for men to grasp. Unless the girl is a total skank-a-mangus you HAVE to commuicate a little. This for me is the real tester. Not too may men can keep up a conversation with me. I really dislike boring. If you want to talk about the weather or your new ipad that's fucking great but find someone else who cares. My conversations are littered with over-whelming amounts of sarcasm, quoting Will Ferrell movies, sexual inuendos, and my clumsy escapades. This isn't for everyone. Find someone who can understand your absurdities.
So basically if the conversation ain't flowin' people...it's probably not going to work. So either "hook up" with them (if they are mind numbingly hot only) or simply let them know you aren't interested in the most mature way possible...by not responding or using one worded answers via text message!
So either you've ended this infatuation at Step Two or you verdantly or inadvertently moving into Step Three...
Step Three: Hanging Out
(OH MY GOD, what do I wear, should I shave my legs, are we going to kiss!?) - Girls
(Don't forget to look at her face and not her tits, what if I run out of shit to say...what can I do to impress her?) -Guys
Either way gentleman, you better fucking tell us we look pretty.
Two Options-
1. Hanging out in a group- This is smart. It's casual. Can they hang with your friends or do they sit there with their arms crossed giving the stank face all night? If so please revert to no longer responding to them as mentioned in step two. If they can't pass the friend test then you two will be forced to hangout alone all the time...anger and resentment will ensue and you will end up in a "RELATIONSHIT". Just trust me on this one...okay?
2. Consuming food together, a movie, or some sort of fun sport.- This is cute. I love judging first 'daters' when I am out on a "seemingly lesbian" date with one of my girl friends where I make the server feel very uncomfortable with my awkward accidental lesbain comments.
First daters are so cute. Usually he opens the door for her. If you're me..I like to throw them for a loop and open the door for them. Why, because awkward is my middle name. Duh. But anywho, they try not to look at their cell phones, he smiles, she smiles... the whole time you're praying there isn't anything stuck in your teeth. If one of them goes to the bathroom you worry that they may have slipped out the back and run away because being in public with you is embarrassing and unbearable. Hopefully there is some good conversation, you learn a little more about each other, and either you realize they are in the "friend zone" or you want to jump their bones.
Then the bill comes and if you're a girl you casually reach toward your bag ever so slowly to get your wallet waiting for them to say, "I have it, put that away". Whew, "jackass" test passed.
What do you do after this? If you had fun...then fucking tell them..that night, phone call, text, facebook post WHATEVER. If you didn't enjoy yourself then use your words... something a little nicer than "You eat like a savage beast, I hate your taste in music, and your strange interest in arachnids creeps me out" is probably perfect.
Step Four: Let's talk about sex.
I mean, if they've passed these tests there's got to be some sort of attraction there...if there isn't you are leading this person on. Do not do this. That's STUPID. Now you just have to figure out if it works. If this person has hung out with you for a significant amount of time now then they probably want you to kiss them. So just suck it up and do it. I for some reason am ALWAYS the first to kiss the guy. No joke. Maybe I'm too impatient. Maybe it's because I like to wear the pants and I have control issues... oh well. One of you just fucking do it. Cause the sexual tension is killing you...both.
Why doesn't this shit ever happen to me?!
Now here it is, are they a good kisser? Do you like kissing them...do you want the kissing to extend to something more than just kissing? If so...I hope you know what to do And I hope you aren't making out with Tim Tebow because that is a waste of time. He loves Jesus more than he could ever love you.
So there you go...now you have locked lips and shit. What is next
Step Five: This is my least favorite step. Up until now it's been all sunshine and rainbows...flirting, cute text messages, yummy meals, and not Tim Tebow time...you have two options here my friends.
Run FAR AWAY! Run far because if you continue to repeat step 1-4 you might find yourself dating someone or even worse IN A RELATIONSHIP. You know what happens in these cases? You develop feelings. I have no idea what those are but I have heard they can be very dangerous and cause your heart to go BOOM BOOM POW whenever that person is around. That sounds AWFUL. So my advice...DON'T FUGGIN DO IT!
Or admit you are a slave to your emotions and a complete and utter idiot by continuing with steps 1-4...waiting for one of you to fuck up the 'good' thing you think you have going. Which trust me, one of you will.
Anywho, I hope you all enjoy the crazy world of dating. I think I am just going to stay in my pjs and watch some Grey's Anatomy...might switch up my drink of choice with some Bailey's on the rocks tonight..it's like an adult milkshake!
Remember, when the going gets tough...the tough run to the bar for tequila.
xo Teen
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