How To Not Be an Asshole

To all the women of the world this is a no brainer. To all the men in the world we just can't seem to comprehend why these SIMPLE rules seem to be so INCREDIBLY hard for you to follow. An incredibly wise and wordly women once said, "Surprised by men, never, further convinced of their stupidity...yes." I don't know why I continue to try to help you guys when all you seem to do is ditch us at bars, fill us up with meaningless bullshit, or sleep with our friends. But HEY I am a nice person and I believe that education is the key to change. Despite the fact that the more things change the more they stay the same.

Here to teach all you dumbasses a valuable lesson.

1. Tell the Fucking Truth: If you master this one, I just might have to marry you. For the sake of that fact that you will be the only honest man on the planet.

Let me make this clear. Stop lying. There is no need to tell us you're hanging out with your best friend when you are really out to dinner with your ex girlfriend. Why? Because we probably already know. Do not ever underestimate women's ability to find shit out. I can't really describe how I know when something is wrong but it's literally this SPIDEY SENSE that goes off in my body. Some of you non-comic book freaks might like to call it "female intuition" whatever it is we have it. A guy will say something to you and the receptors in your brain go off saying, "That is the purest form of absolute horseshit I have ever heard."

      In any situation honesty is the best policy. You win points for being straightforward. If some girl tried to makeout with you last night at a party chances are one of our friends was there and they saw. You bet she's texting me that night to let me know. So gents you better be ready for us to test you. Be ready the next morning to inform us of that dirty rotten home-wrecking skank who tried to publicly grope you.
     Perhaps you are no longer romantically interested in us. Hey that's fine. I know I'm awesome and amazing but if you no longer see that I will survive And by survive I mean tell everyone you have herpes and hookup with all your friends or even more depressing sit on the couch eating one Hershey's kiss after another while drinking wine out of the bottle with my best friend (Kidding...sort of). But anyway, just give us a friendly little heads up. If the girl goes nutzo then NO WONDER you aren't interested and thank goodness you told her...if not..you now have a friend who will tell other girls that you are an honest decent guy. SO get this....she is now HELPING you get girls by spreading this message. WIN WIN!



2. Say something nice once in a while: Women are like plants. We must be watered and adored about once/twice a week. Tell us you like our shoes, our smile, the interesting things we say (who knew women had something to say!) our super sexy lacy underwear (I'M NOT WEARING THAT SHIT FOR MYSELF OKAY?!). A little attention will go a long way but it must be continual, because the first five times we're going to be flattered and not believe you. Why, because men enjoy filling women up with bullshit.

Let's practice: "I really admire how hard you work, you're an incredibly smart, talented, and strong individual"    Gah,  I AM SWOONING ALREADY! Wait, no one said that to me...I just made that up...never mind. That's embarrassing.

Maybe something a little less intense: "Your smile is adorable" Cue heart melting. DAW!


3. A little EFFORT won't hurt: If you would like to spend some time with us then maybe you should. If when you are spending that time with us you are on the phone or ditch us at the bar to go hangout with all your friends then please don't bother. No we do not want to be babysat when we are around new people. We can hold our own conversations and SHOCKINGLY enjoy talking to people other than you on occasion. But don't pull a "now you see me now you don't" for an hour where were left sitting on the couch while your roommate hits the bong.

I have mastered the art of being the man in the relationship.

If you are romantically interested in us, feel free to affectionately touch us on and off too. A wink, the reassuring hand on the lower back,  messing with our hair (Hint: Some girls can't stand this...but if they are THAT worried about their hair then there are bigger issues) a from behind big ole bear hug, and fireman carrying us around are always GREAT ideas kiddos.

4. Somethin' Sweet: Remember what we like. Chocolate. Filet Mignon. Popcorn Jelly Beans, Ragefaces, Coors Light, Peace Signs, those stupid pandora charms, cherry chapstick, big t shirts. Remember the girls quirky likes...randomly gift them. It shows us you listen, you're putting in effort, and that you might not need to be on the 2012 list of Super Douchers. (Which I already have about 5 names for BTW...January hasn't even ended yet gentleman..STOP fucking with my friends)

5. Pretend to Care: If it's stupid like (my nail is broken, my life is over, you didn't text me GOODNIGHT last night, or "do you think you could be more like that dumb rich guy sleeping with 6 girls at once on The Bachelor who took Ashley P on that date to that gorgeous waterfall in Fiji with vintage Dom Perignon and gold dusted chocolate covered pretzels") Then please feel free to SPRINT rigorously in the other direction away from this "My life should be a fairytale and I am a PRINCESS" crazy bitch. But if our dog is dying, we just got a new job, we fell in a puddle, left our car window open in the rain, our best friend isn't speaking with us, and our favorite person to cuddle with is not around (Hey gents, this might be you). Then at least pretend to have some sympathy. We just want to know you hear us. "Wow, that sounds terrible, anything I can do to make it better?" We will tell you. And you should try to do whatever it is. Personally, I like sweatpants, my hello kitty blanket, a REALLY funny movie, and wine...with a side of man candy on zee couch. That may not be every women's preference though...so check with her.

This is lovely.

6. Use ya noggin: Ok, you know when you are about to do something stupid, immature, dumb, illegal, life threatening, dangerous etc? Take one moment and think,  "Is this going to make the other person in my life (or even my really good friend) mad, angry, upset, sad, cry, worried..." and then Re-evaluate. As women we worry about you guys. We have a general concern for your safety. Call it caring (I care for few, the rest I hope go bald at 25 and never get laid again in their life) but we don't like to see you guys get arrested, jump off the roof of the house into seemingly REALLY deep snow, or sleep with people you clearly shouldn't..ESPECIALLY when you're sleeping with us! End of story. If you choose to do these things anyway, be prepared for the consequences.

7. Invest in a watch: I'm a girl. I can always be late. I blame it on getting pretty for you. Why are you late? All you have to do is shower, put on clothes, and maybe a little hair gel (PLEASE NOT TOO MUCH!) Oh you were playing Call of Duty?! Manage your time appropriately. Look, in those 20 minutes I spent waiting...I could have been pinning on Pinterest. Girls participate in time consuming useless activities too.

8. Know how to apologize:  Oh, what a SURPRISE! You did something stooooopid. Now make up for it. We are going to ignore your first 3-10 calls (depending on how mad we are) and about your first 2-12 texts (again, depends on anger level) You might want to consider an apology Facebook message/email (that is the only way you can reach us now), offering to make us dinner, buying a bottle of our favorite alcohol (pinot grigio for me pwease), Lindt Chocolate, bring coffee to our work, or generally fawning over the greatness that is our existence. If you give up on trying to apologize to us we will also just assume you are an asshole and your lack of persistence only proves us right.

9. Do not tell us what to do: If I want to make you a sandwich I will. If I want to hangout with that person you don't like, yup I will. If I want to dye my hair blue and you despise it...it only makes me want to do it more. If you tell me not to wear converse, I will not hesitate to roundhouse you to the face with them on and permanently walk out of your life.

In fact I will make you more than a sandwich, I will make you and your friends a 3 course meal. But I will do that on my own time. If you demand things from us that is the surest way to not get what you want. If you ask nicely...then OF COURSE we would be happy to do something nice for you.  If you do not like that frilly, flowered, nana looking shirt we wear, say it nicely...we will oblige by not wearing it when you are around.
Additionally,
Do not tell us "Come here now" when we haven't heard from you all day and now that your six beers deep it has now occurred to you to contact us. It's just not gonna happen. We have our own life and our own incredibly busy schedule. Get your shit right.


Well boys, I hope this helps you to make some better choices in the realm of women. Learn from the men in mine and my friends lives mistakes. Let their poor decisions influence your next winning relationship (while it lasts...)

 Remember girls, listen to your SPIDEY SENSE.

XO Teen