I feel SUPER sexy when...

The other morning as I crawled out of bed hair going every which way (not the "I just had sex" so it's okay to look like a slop tart look either) with some white stuff on my face (NOPE, not what you're thinking..it was pimple cream, because even though I'm not a teenager anymore sometimes my face pretends it it.)I got to thinking. Actually, I think a lot. And out loud. I never shut up really. Give me a bottle of wine and I'll realllllllyyyy let loose.



 But anyways, I got to thinking about all the things I do on a daily basis that are SUPER DROP DEAD SEXY.

Like waking up with pimple cream on my face in my ninja turtles t shirt and mens boxers that I bought for myself...

So here's the TOP TEN! (There's so many more..but I thought I'd save myself whatever shred of dignity I have left and keep it short)

1. My friends make fun of me for this all the time. For some reason EVERY TIME I put my retainers in my phone lights up like the fuckin' fourth of July. I could not have a phone call for weeks from anyone, well, besides my mother. Low and behold I pop in my rainbow retainer; suddenly a shit ton of people want to converse with me. (While writing this blog, wearing my retainers...I received my only phone call all day.)

When my retainers are in I just might talk with a bit of a lisp, make that creepy noise Hannibal Lector makes trying to swallow my spit, and if your fortunate enough to be in my presence while I am wearing them no matter how hard I try there is always that huge string of saliva that you can't escape when you try to take them out.

Yup, just let that image settle.

2. When I am trying to be REALLY, REALLY cool and I eat shit. It's inevitable. The rugs that have thrown themselves in front of me only for me to face plant into them, the docks in which my stilettos have been stuck in, the time I almost tumbled down the cobblestone in Portland. Normally there is a really cute boy on hand to witness my entire destruction. How is my awkwardness doing? Have I seduced anyone yet?

Being sexy in the snow.

3. The Wind rapes my face and all my hair gets stuck in my lipgloss...(usually driving..while some truck driver next to me watches me spit my hair out of my mouth) WHY?! The one day I decide to wear lipgloss does the wind decide to be 89 MPH? Mother nature, I fucking recycle more than anyone I know. STOP TORTURING ME.

Sidenote: The wind also likes to pick up when I'm in dresses too. Dresses that fly up when I'm wearing underwear that is buttless. And that is how I once mooned all of Portland one morning.

4. I see this picture of me as a kid.

5. At the beach: Now this is supposed to be a place where girls show off their bronzed bods and perky boobies. I have none of those. I'm that girl who gets taken out by a wave, loses her bikini bottoms, and is choking on salt water with a giant piece of seaweed in her hair.

6. I have my soy milk caramel lattee from Starbucks, I'm rocking my Michael Kors shoes, my big ass sunglasses, and I am actually wearing mascara...THEN I trip on a cobblestone and spill java all over my white shirt...Almost had you fooled for a second there...

7. My guy friend comes up to me and reaches for my face.....

& instead of telling me how amazingly beautiful I am and kissing me...he puts his finger in my mouth and picks pepper out of my teeth.

I put the 'SEX' in sexy.

8. Someone catches me going to town on a Wendy's chicken sandwich and fries while blasting Adele inside my car. Sometimes I forget that cars have windows...and people can see me...at least I wasn't crying. This time.











9. When I forget to put on deodorant and am self conscious about moving my arms ALL day. So I just do this strange arm movement that makes people wonder whats wrong with me.

10. I'm at yoga drenched in sweat, mascara dripping down my face, and the girl next to me looks like Angelina Jolie. BITCH.


Hope everyone enjoys my humiliation...I'm off to cry in the corner with a bottle of wine!