Fuck You, I'm 23

Fuck you I'm 23….or 24 in two months…which is close to 25 and that basically means I’m halfway to fucking 50.

Getting a little annoyed with muggles and all their hooplah about what they feel people my age are supposed to be doing with their lives.

SHUT YOUR FACES PEOPLE.

1. "So do you have a boyfriend?" Can we beat the dead horse a little more? 

 The closest I came to a boyfriend these past few months was the man who delivered my lunch to me every day at work. He barely spoke English.  I like it best that way. Smile and nod, don’t talk to me, and bring me food. His mustache was on point too.

What’s the big hurry? I have about 6 years until I’m 30. I have a lot more douchey McDouchersons to frolic around and sneak out while they are in the shower before I feel washed up,sad, and alone.

2. What's your plan: Survive the day? Not to drool on myself while brushing my teeth? Move to a farm, buy chickens, and make jam?

I don’t fucking know. It’s a fucking miracle my legs are shaved and my socks match. What more do you want?

3. You're hair looks nice did you do something different? I brushed it. Thanks though. Sometimes I spend $100 dollars on my hair or at the bar on fireball and dirty shirleys..OOPS. Other months I’m too cheap to buy shampoo that’s over $4 a bottle and I barter babysitting for a bottle of wine.  It doesn’t make a drop of sense. Why should it? Priorities should be fucked up at this age.

4. Insurance: Don't have that…I have a payment plan when I go to the doctor or the dentist…I pay them whatever I can afford monthly until the bill is gone. I’m not sure they are as down with this as I pretend they are.

5. When I say I am going to do something and then have to man up and grow some balls and do it. So all summer I joked about how if I didn’t get a full time job in the winter I was going to move to Florida. WELL GUESS WHAT…I didn’t get one. Or really try too hard..in that I didn’t even apply for one…

So I’m packing up my extensive shoe collection and heading South for four months to live with my mom and her husband Rick. 

After about 5 years of living on my own I’m not really sure how this is going to pan out. How do I say, “Mom I’m not coming home because I’m on a futon in some strangers house making out with my co worker?” Pretty sure “I’m sleeping at Stephanie’s” isn’t going to fly since she will be thousands of miles away in Maine.

It gets funnier…I have decided I am in charge of packing our lunches for work every day. Just call me Carol Brady.

6. Marriage: This chick is about to be in her 4th wedding next summer. Two out of three of the previous ones I have been in ended in divorce. You know what I notice at weddings...the married ones look the most miserable. They don’t dance, they barely got dressed, and they certainly are not drinking. Why would I want to subject myself to that torture?  I'm pretty cool if someone just stops by once a week to eat sandwiches and make out with me. HOLLA!

8. Babies : Monsters. Put those things back where they came from. They are sticky, smelly, and demanding. Why am I supposed to like them? Stretch marks GROSS. Up all night crying….and they aren’t even drunk. USELESS. Eating everything in sight…less food for me.

It’s just a lose lose people.

9. Stop working so much: Well, I like to be able to buy myself 6 pairs of long johns WHENEVER THE HELL I WANT TO. I also went to college for 4 years and am currently sitting on a buttload of debt. It's not a god damn choice it's necessary.

We have to pay rent and for the fucking heat in our houses (those of you who don't have Mommy and Daddy enabling your eventual downfall by paying for these things..). I keep that thermostat on a constant 63 which feels like Antartica. Especially right now, my feet might be blue. If you’re cold put a sweatshirt and some fuzzy socks on, call one of the guys you text when your wastey pants for a snuggle sesh..don’t tell them it’s because you’re too poor to afford heat though..you might hurt his non existant feelings and he probably won’t come over if he thinks he’s not getting any.

Whatever you gotta do to stay warm in Maine & have enough money to buy wine..or whatever your poison is.

Basically, what I am saying here is you don’t have to do “what you think you are supposed to be doing” the second you get out of college. Try smiling, sleeping with the wrong people, making 6 different kinds of eggs benedict, or smoking cigarettes & drinking beer on your patio in the rain.

Whatever makes you feel alive.

Fuck this list. I’m going to put on my pajamas and spoon my dog.