HANGRY

It’s been a busy day at work, running around doing errands, chasing my dog down the street.. whatever, something has kept me from having anything to eat. 

All of a sudden I am tearing a new one into my boyfriend, snarling at him for calling me pretty because THAT’S just plain rude, obviously. He looks at me las if I am insane which throws me further off the low blood sugar handle. Varying between rage and wanting to take a nap in the middle of the grocery store I find myself shoveling whatever bag of chips I could get my paws on in the middle of the aisle full of processed foods. 

Chocolate covered pretzels throw those in the basket.

 Organic tortilla chips HOLY FUCK..next mission QUESO. 

Next dilemma: mild or spicy? Do I want acid reflux later? Am I too hungry to care? What are calories? 

Okie now I’m walking by the roast chickens. Stop, waft the tasty smell into the air. Maybe grab a pre made sandwich or pasta salad to add to my LOW CALORIE dinner.

FINALLY, the glory aisle. PASTA. My hair is standing on end and goosebumps are forming in excitement. Shall I put red sauce on my pasta? Will my Italian ancestors be able to tell I bought Rao’s vodka sauce as soon as the cashier slides the PLU code? Maybe I need more cheese. Mac n cheese, Velveeta..OH WAIT! HOLD UP! 

Annie’s makes cheddar cheese sauce not in powder form? 7.99 FOR BOX? Well organic cheese is definitely better for me…right? 

Then I stare at the artesian bread feeling it up to find the crispiest crust with the softest inside. Do I need cheese? Back to the deli for brie and definitely that cheese with the blueberries in it. That’s money. I tenderly try to see if I can peel back the wrapping so that  maybe I can sneak a nibble (JUST A NIBBLE OKAY!) of cheese before I make it to the register with my fat ass dragging the grocery basket like a caveman with his club because “I only need a few things” meanwhile my poor boyfriend keeps a steady 50 ft distance as I forage like a chipmunk through the aisles slugging orange juice and leaving a steady trail of crumbs for him to find me at the car with my 6 grocery bags and returned state of clarity.

Can anyone relate?

XO

I'm kind of a psycho 

It's okay if...

It's okay if...

you got a "little" scared when Natalie Portman's eyes turned red in Black Swan

you claim you "worked hard all day long" when you "unintentionally" checked facebook every 10 minutes.

you've already broken your new years resolutions (cough, me, cough)

your life is a total, "hot mess"..at least you have a life!

your boss takes pictures of you posing with gun hands flaunting your assets as a not so buff and sexy Charlie's Angels (what...no one else is with me on that one?)

your mother is the only person who calls you...every day

you pee in the shower

chicken flavored Ramen, a handful of cheetos, and two table-spoons of Nutella classify as "dinner"

you don't read the 90 pages due for you mythical creatures class tomorrow and classify all Disney movies you've ever seen as "sufficient studying".

you don't wash your face before you go to bed (even though every freaken magazine tells you how infested your pillowcase will get)

you sip shots on your 21st birthday (just this once)

your friends call you "Mom"

you like it when your friends call you. "Mom"

you wait until your gas gauge is on "empty"...and then until it starts blinking at you...and then until you coast into the gas station on fumes...and then you only put $7.00 in the tank.

your dad wishes you "Happy Birthday" the day before your birthday

your lingerie collection consists of bras and undies from the clearance racks as Target, Macy's, and Vicky's Secret.

your boyfriend wears your sweat pants...that say.."Red Riots" across the ass (and you don't tell him)

you're idea of excercise is lifting all your belongings you removed from school for break..back up all the stairs to your apartment..

you have a crush on Justin Bieber...and are over the age of 21

you're getting a divorce.

you don't have a job (though you really should get the eff on that)

you still thoroughly "dislike" that girl from high school you tried to ruin your life (and if it's me..Oh wait.. I never did that!)






An Understanding Dose of Teen

Pre-Thanksgiving Thoughts

  My dad owns a restaurant and he's owned it for all of my life. I have found that I get less and less excited about Thanksgiving every year.

Now why may you ask? Why does Thanksgiving not mean the joyous, great, fattening times that you and your family have?

First of all the restaurant is open on Thanksgiving! You guys thought Thanksgiving was about being thankful. Oh piss off, we all know it's a consumer holiday in which marks the beginning of the "real" Christmas season in which we all spend too much money and time buying gifts and not enough time with the people we truly care about. So either I had the choice to sit home while my family worked (once my brother was old enough to hold a bus bucket and eventually a tray he was working on Thanksgiving too). My mom used to work at the restaurant  on Thanksgiving but my parents are divorced and she lives in Florida so that would be really awkward now a days.

So on Thanksgiving instead I found myself at a variety of different venues here's the list

1.) The Garcia Family Thanksgiving- Hectic, overwhelming, never on time, and so NOT my Italian family Thanksgiving. I have spent Thanksgiving and Easter with this family. The thing I always found the most strange was that they served corn as a side dish. I know corn is a HUGE foundation of our diet and the first T-Gives, but christ almighty, never had I ever eaten corn during my holiday meals.

2.) The Breakers Hotel in Florida enjoying glass stuffing ( no joke). Anyways before we could make it to this world famous hotel the house down the street caught fire and my uncle was pulled over for speeding while my cousin and I were laying down in the back of the SUV floor hidden by a blanket.  I really couldn't make this shit up if I tried. The food was great but it was a buffet in an elegant ballroom and I really wanted to trade in my skirt for a pair of jeans and some heavy winter socks, curl up in butterball ( ha ha get it) and fall into a turkey coma listening to the football game.


3.) Working @ the restaurant-  I spent last T-Gives sorting out seating charts the night before and still found myself fucked over halfway through the day. I worked the entire day going on a slice of bread. I was waiting to eat with my brother at the bar (so classy) but he "got sooo hungry" he ate without me. Oh yeah and my dad showed up with his gf and her family to eat dinner. 'Nuff said.


4.) Having dinner alone with my mom..this was actually kinda cool because I didn't have to go anywhere with a strange family, we watched the Macy's Day Parade, my friend Nick brought us donuts in the morning (SO SWEET), and bopped around the house in our sweats. She watched the football game while I did homework, and we both napped on the couch.

5.) T-Gives with my brother's then fiance (now wife) without my brother- Obviously John was working and Melissa felt bad I had no where to go. So I went to "Grams". For those of you who haven't met Gram she's the most adorable, soft spoken, awesome lady you will ever meet. I think she could actually kick Betty White's ass. Anyways the thing I always notice about other people's holidays is that they are soo much more QUIET. It's deafening to me to hear so much silence. I'm used to 12 guests or more T-Gives when I was a wee child and family screaming at you if you should by chance infringe their view of the television.

Norman Rockwell, what's up?

6.) T-Gives with my boyfriend of the times family- This was after a long day of working at the restaurant. I smelled like a kitchen, my feet hurt, and I was exhausted. I was just expecting to meet everyone on the couch to watch a Christmas special and have dessert with them ( it was really late for normal Thanksgiving meals) when I called my then boyfriend and he told me they hadn't eaten yet and they were waiting for me. So I had myself a little happy cry in the car before heading into their house because I was soo excited to sit down for Thanksgiving dinner (with a normal functioning family who can actually cook). I had already eaten but I pretended I hadn't and it was seriously awesome. The 3 glasses of wine may have contributed to my warm, jolly feelings. But anyways someone should have taken a photo it was such a freaken kodak moment. Damn them.

7.) A holiday dinner with my best friend Nick, his family, and his now ex gf- This was not at the Link's home. This was at their relatives. It didn't really occur to me how weird it was that I was going to dinner with his family until we walked through the door and his relatives had to figure out which one of us was Nick's girlfriend. Maybe they thought we were a creepy Mormon threesome? But the entire family had thoroughly puzzled looks on their faces when we walked through the door and seemed a little on edge the entire time we were there, even my chocolate creme pie and flowers couldn't subside the wandering questions in their minds!

It's cool as a fictional tv show but apparently not as reality tv...

Not sure where I will end up this year, freeloading a free meal, joining in some other families T-Gives conversation, while judging their family traditions..BUT we shall see.

A Turkey dose of Teen

The first fart

For those of you who think that girls do not fart or poop...or do anything besides emit pixie dust and perfume auroras

first of all don't read this, second of all..go fuck yourself. (Sorry, but C'MON!)

I'm going to tell you a story...

So I first started dating this guy after 2 years of sisterly solitude and it's great! I'm sneaking out at night, lying to my family about where I'm going, making new friends, frolicking around with this pretty cool fellow. I feel soo comfortable around him that I even get up and grab a glass of water without permission in his house! ROAR We're seriously makin' moves here. We do that whole "couples hang out" thing where there's a wing man and a wing woman, there's some awkward moments, meeting of parents ( not mine cause Italian families are crazy!) We snuggle on the couch and pretend to watch movies while we make out in his bedroom upstairs OMG, this blog just went PG-13. So one night..about two weeks into this whole mess, I'm exhausted from working a double and fading in and out of consciousness with my legs draped over him on the couch. Of course one of his buddies is over ( we can't hangout alone all the time, we have to pretend we actually care about other people first) and they're shooting the shit watching Trailer Park Boys or something. Anyways, I'm just so freaken' cozy its unbelievable...and then it happened. I farted. It wasn't very loud..but it woke me from my mild slumber. The guys went silent. "Did she just fart?" his friend asked.. "He nudges me, " Did you just fart?"... and I respond all nonchalant like I actually meant to emit gas from my ass, "uhh yeah, so what!" and go right back to sleep. Of course because I was so cool, calm, and collected they just accepted it and continued talking about beer or boobs.  I eventually admitted that it was an accident and my entire relationship fell apart and died. BOOM.

THE END.


A gassy dose of Teen