Why Girls love Bad boys

“Well I mean he’s like totally wrong for me...we have nothing in common and I don’t even think he listens to me when I talk....but those are just semantics...he's got a strong jaw line and that's really important!"

Here's my (well researched) theory about the bad boys...

 I think when they were little their Mommys didn’t love them enough and now to spite the entire vajayjay gender population they feel the need to make every girl fall madly in love with them. Then they get some sick enjoyment in pulling the chair of their shitty relationship out from under the poor girl's ass and walking away. YEAH YOU REALLY SHOWED YOUR MOM THERE BUDDY.

Well jokes on you gentleman, because I am emotionally retarded. Work your “bad boy” ways on someone else. While I slander your personna in this blog. K thanks. Bye.


10 Reasons...HERE. WE. GO. Bad boys...BE-FUCKING-WARE

1.Daddy Issues
Was your dad in and out of your life as a child? Completely non existent? Did you once gift him a bottle of salad dressing and an empty scratched/broken picture frame on sale at Linens and Things only to be re-gifted with the same frame and a photo of your dad in his “modeling” phase? Do you rely on “daddy” for everything? Did your dad LOVE you and SUPPORT you too much leaving you overly trusting and naive about how boys really are? Did your dad convince you that “all boys should treat you like a princess?” Did your dad try to be your roommate and split rent with you and offer to stay at a hotel when you wanted to bring boys over? Have you answered yes to any of these questions or thought of an equally as strange scenario in which you have encountered with the man who helped bring you into this world? THEN YES, you got some daddy issues. And you seem to think a guy who never calls when he says he will, blows you off, but looks great in a faded pair of blue jeans and a white tee is going to “dissolve” this problem. Makes perfect sense.





2.The“I just don’t give a fuck” attitude

TAYLOR SWIFT wrote a song about how much he sucks and I am STILL disgustingly in love with him...look at that sweaty testosterone back & tattoo & guitar...nom.

Oh sure, it is really endearing and exhilirating at first except the only problem is this also includes NOT giving a flying fuck about you. So when you would rather spend the night playing a vigorous game of monopoly with a group of friends and they prefer to get wasted and makeout with a cheeseburger at Five Guys don’t be surprised when they choose to do exactly that. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Regardless of the situation. How cute is their “I don’t give a fuck” mentality now? Super cute right?

3.You get to be their mommy
What is better than reminding a guy about EVERYTHING he is supposed to do and when they don’t do it...doing it for them. Laundry, homework, dishes, remembering to put pants on, paying bills. Nothing better right? Oh sure I will pick you and all your drunk and disorderly friends up from the bars Saturday night...in my pjs because I have to work at 8 am the next day. Should I bring the mini van and some apples with peanut butter too? Do they want to sleepover, should I make pancakes in the morning for you boys too? GET BENT.

4.You can’t bitch about the good ones

Messy hair check...ask me to marry you...please?

Sometimes I think women just like to complain. Hell if you guys didn’t screw up so many times I wouldn’t have nearly as much material to blog about. What would we talk about with our girlfriends if you did everything right all the time? No one wants to hear happy news CONSTANTLY. We get some sort of sick satisfaction from calling our friends and screaming about the latest "bad boy fuck up".

5. Less likely to be DISAPPOINTED when they do something disappointing
  Jack Sparrow said it himself “you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest” When he does do something incredibly stupid like sleep with his ex girlfriend while you two are dating then you aren’t all that surprised because you KNEW he was a doucher anyways. Like I said before your "spidey sense" is always accurate.

Other things like sticking to dinner plans, texting you the morning after you first bone, actually playing monopoly with you, giving you flowers and a card for NO absolute reason, remembering your birthday, keeping their promises, helping your nana move her couch etc are all things you DEEP DOWN hope they will want to do for you but in all reality you know they are never going to do.

6. Big Dicks have Big Dicks ----usually. I don’t think I should have to elaborate on this anymore.

7.Who doesn’t love a project!
It’s like art and crafts, the cheap 99 cent glue just doesn't seem to stick the glitter on the paper as well as you thought it would. Instead you’re left with a huge mess and sticky fingers. Take that whatever way you want.


& "I CAN FIX HIM!" Philosophy

Oh you’re emotionally unstable?! 

Perfect!!

I will singlehandedly fix all your problems!
 You are incapable of caring about someone?

Let me forcefully try to make you talk about your feelings that you will never have for me.

 I can totally make you love me. Because love is something that is forced, not natural. DUH.

8.You are fuggin mysterious

I hope everyone remembers ROANOKE from American history class.

We never have a fucking clue what you are doing.  It’s all “GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE” one minute and then you literally pull a ROANOKE and disappear. Hot and heavy and then pure ICEBURGS of Titanic proportions in the tundra of the Arctic. Nothing makes a girl with daddy issues and confused images of what a real relationship is lust more than if she can’t have something. Why do you think so many of us want Christian Loubotin shoes?




9.Testosterone
Apparently you have more of the MANLY hormone than the typical male and our natural instincts are all
 “Ahhh I need a big strong man who can provide the seed to bear awesome children who will permanently ruin my body and cause you to make ego bruising jokes about how I should hit the gym after I produced your prodigal son."
Thanks hormones, how nice of you to chemically force us after the wild ones.

10. They always know just what to say at the right time or what not to say
This is like them giving you a bite of chocolate raspberry molten lava cake and then engulfing the rest of it in one bite right in front of you.
1. ASSHOLE, DON’T EVER  TOUCH MY CHOCOLATE CAKE!
2. You will always be craving more because you are never really satisfied, leaving you in an endless cycle of answering the phone every time he calls.

Here's a sidenote..because 11 reasons is just plain weird.

Dirty Hottt

For some reason you guys have this ability to be completely hot when you are totally unkempt (cough JOHN MAYER cough). You have mastered the “messy sexy hair” and the “my shirt has a stain on it” but I still look irresistable. Which is maddening because I always have messy hair and srains on my shirts but no one finds me irresistable! In fact they run away. At a brisk pace. When I try to make a joke in the yogurt aisle in the grocery store. Not like that really happened or anything...

Listen ladies,  PLEASE find a nice boy who will flirt with you without playing ridiculous mind games. Put him in a dirty t shirt and mess up his hair a little bit and you have the appearance without the douche-baggery. I know, I'm a genius. TRY IT.

"LA LA LA sorry sunshine I'm too busy with my nice boy now, go mess with someone elses mind"

Oh and girls love bad boys, but women love nice men. So eventually the bad ones lose to those gentleman in the perfectly tailored suits with platinum credit cards......ONE DAY. ONE DAY. PLEASE? SERIOUSLY. RICH MEN ARE YOU LISTENING?!


lots of love (even for the bad boys...) what can I say I'm STILL learning.

-Teen

Why Marriage is a HORRIBLE Idea

Think about it people...should we really participate in some outdated and overpriced ritual in which fails just as often as it succeeds? How many of those that succeed are ACTUALLY still happy or just pretending to be due to children, financial assets, or some strange belief that removing yourself from an unhappy situation is a considered failure?

So here it is...Seven Incredibly factual and well-researched reasons as to why NO ONE should ever get married.

1. Why sacrifice the adoration of many for the criticism for one?

Gentleman I feel you can agree with me the best on this one.

"Are you going to wear that un-ironed shirt out to dinner?"

"Did you empty the trash"

"Can you put the seat down after you pee?"

"Will you please stop trying to have sex with me!?"

We nag. That's what we do. We will constantly be asking you to fix something for us and then complain that you did it wrong even though we sat on the couch drinking pinot noir while you worked your ass off.

2. You will become boring
Remember when your relationship first began and you could talk to each other for hours on end about the most random bullshit? Well now you have all this shit you HAVE to talk about but you don't really want to. Like if you paid the mortgage that month, how many kids you want to shove out of your vajayjay, and what you will eat for dinner that week. Riveting stuff. All of that stuff if you were single you could just get done without having to consult someone else. Babies? Shit, just hit the sperm bank, Mortgages, fuck that you already paid for your house after saving all that money from not having to buy Christmas gifts, dinner, Engagement Rings, a matching bedroom set! Dinner, uh excuse me you go to the grocery store that night and pickup whatever you want...even if it's a a chocolate pudding cup and a can of pringles.

3. You want to make a decision, think AGAIN!

Whether its buying a new car or a pair of socks. It is no longer just your money. That is now called "our money". Ever heard the saying, "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine". I think women obide by this. Especially when we eat 75% of your dessert off your plate and punch you in the face when you step near our choocolate stash.

But seriously, that money is now shared. Now, I'm a good sharer..(when I was little I had a teeny tiny biting problem but we've since cleared that up)

Now, I would have a hard time since I most likely will be the main breadwinner in my future unsuccessful marriage if I got home and my husband bought a snowmobile without asking me. Now I can't be all, "LISTEN DUMBASS, I MAKE THE DOUGH, I SPEND IT!" because now I am in a mutual partnership in which I promised to love someone and take care of them...and verbally abusing them PROBABLY isn't the best way to get my point across.

So instead we have to sit down and have a talk about what we want to spend our money on for the next 3 years and develop some retarded life plan. Even worse, if I want a $300 dollar pair of shoes I am going to have to think "Is it okay to feed my children spam all week or should I go buy off the sale rack at TJ MAXX ?" UGH, see MARRIAGE IS ONE GIANT SACRIFICE OF BEAUTIFUL SHOES AND OUTDOOR TOYS!


4. It will make you fat
You know how they call it the "boyfriend layer" when your in a nice little relationship and you suddenly pack on 10 pounds. Well welcome to marriage. Except it's like 15-20. Think about it, you're so comfortable with this person you have decided to live with them for the rest of your ENTIRE existence on this planet! The first year there's so much celebrating it's hard not to get a little chubby. Engagement parties, rehearsal dinners, wedding cake, honey moons. Then there's kids (I thought I had this on lock because my mother is a freak of nature who mysteriously cannot gain weight but the other side of my gene pool is Italian and well...we struggle with the pasta okay!)

Kid's make the women fat because she's trying to eat for two at every meal and then poor dad over there is watching mom blow up like a balloon and is eating himself to death because 1. his wife is getting fat 2. there is a screaming monster on the way. It doesn't get any better either because children will not take up ALL of your time. You thought you were going to go to the gym this morning? Well little Frankie had another idea, he is going to crayon the wall and vomit in your hair. Goodluck having any motivation to exercise with all that bullshit going on.

5.  Minivans
 I am pretty sure the second you say "I DO-OMED" your chances of one day owning a mini-van QUADRUPLE. Look, even my dad had a van. In fact, he had two. Chances are you're going to end up needing it for the 4 little spawns of satan you produced.

I can hear myself now, "Steph, you gotta see this thing, the doors are automatic, the chairs fold down so I can put the dogs in the back..and GUESS WHAT, it came with a lifetime stain warranty!!!".

Uh, I'm sorry what happened to my dream of owning a blacked out range rover and mercedes coupe?

6. Men are stupid & Women are CRAZY

For example: You ask your husband to pickup milk from the grocery store. He comes home with WHOLE MILK. I'm sorry am I three? When did I ever purchase WHOLE milk for this household? Are we trying to get even fatter than we did at the beginning of our marriage?

Do you even know what you're apologizing for?

Gents, it's that gold plate in the middle.

Or how about this little scenario: It's your first Christmas at your house and 15 family members are coming for dinner and so far your wife has spent about $795 dollars on food, new household items, table decor, and decorations. She's running around the house barking orders to your frightened children and all of a sudden turns into Medusa as she whips her hair and glares at you for asking what a charger is and where you put it. (Not gonna lie, this is probably my future.) Then for the rest of the day she refuses to speak to you for "not understanding" her needs on such a stressful day.

7. It's fucking expensive
The courting phase...that involves money..but mostly yours gentleman.
The engagement.. oh well rings aren't expensive..If you're a cheap bastard. Sorry gentleman...that's you again.
The Engagement Party, Rehearsal Dinner, Wedding, Honeymoon (well it ALL sounded like a good idea until you maxed out your VISA on party favors and the open bar...)
A house, kids, cars, college education (not just your kids either, you will be paying out the ass on your school loans still as well.)


Well despite the fact that you're BROKE at least you still have your chubby, stressed out, passive aggressive, vomit in their hair, nagging significant other to keep you warm at night.

Enjoy marriage folks, sounds like a great time.


Yours Truly,
The Bitter Bitch