Why Marriage is a HORRIBLE Idea

Think about it people...should we really participate in some outdated and overpriced ritual in which fails just as often as it succeeds? How many of those that succeed are ACTUALLY still happy or just pretending to be due to children, financial assets, or some strange belief that removing yourself from an unhappy situation is a considered failure?

So here it is...Seven Incredibly factual and well-researched reasons as to why NO ONE should ever get married.

1. Why sacrifice the adoration of many for the criticism for one?

Gentleman I feel you can agree with me the best on this one.

"Are you going to wear that un-ironed shirt out to dinner?"

"Did you empty the trash"

"Can you put the seat down after you pee?"

"Will you please stop trying to have sex with me!?"

We nag. That's what we do. We will constantly be asking you to fix something for us and then complain that you did it wrong even though we sat on the couch drinking pinot noir while you worked your ass off.

2. You will become boring
Remember when your relationship first began and you could talk to each other for hours on end about the most random bullshit? Well now you have all this shit you HAVE to talk about but you don't really want to. Like if you paid the mortgage that month, how many kids you want to shove out of your vajayjay, and what you will eat for dinner that week. Riveting stuff. All of that stuff if you were single you could just get done without having to consult someone else. Babies? Shit, just hit the sperm bank, Mortgages, fuck that you already paid for your house after saving all that money from not having to buy Christmas gifts, dinner, Engagement Rings, a matching bedroom set! Dinner, uh excuse me you go to the grocery store that night and pickup whatever you want...even if it's a a chocolate pudding cup and a can of pringles.

3. You want to make a decision, think AGAIN!

Whether its buying a new car or a pair of socks. It is no longer just your money. That is now called "our money". Ever heard the saying, "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine". I think women obide by this. Especially when we eat 75% of your dessert off your plate and punch you in the face when you step near our choocolate stash.

But seriously, that money is now shared. Now, I'm a good sharer..(when I was little I had a teeny tiny biting problem but we've since cleared that up)

Now, I would have a hard time since I most likely will be the main breadwinner in my future unsuccessful marriage if I got home and my husband bought a snowmobile without asking me. Now I can't be all, "LISTEN DUMBASS, I MAKE THE DOUGH, I SPEND IT!" because now I am in a mutual partnership in which I promised to love someone and take care of them...and verbally abusing them PROBABLY isn't the best way to get my point across.

So instead we have to sit down and have a talk about what we want to spend our money on for the next 3 years and develop some retarded life plan. Even worse, if I want a $300 dollar pair of shoes I am going to have to think "Is it okay to feed my children spam all week or should I go buy off the sale rack at TJ MAXX ?" UGH, see MARRIAGE IS ONE GIANT SACRIFICE OF BEAUTIFUL SHOES AND OUTDOOR TOYS!


4. It will make you fat
You know how they call it the "boyfriend layer" when your in a nice little relationship and you suddenly pack on 10 pounds. Well welcome to marriage. Except it's like 15-20. Think about it, you're so comfortable with this person you have decided to live with them for the rest of your ENTIRE existence on this planet! The first year there's so much celebrating it's hard not to get a little chubby. Engagement parties, rehearsal dinners, wedding cake, honey moons. Then there's kids (I thought I had this on lock because my mother is a freak of nature who mysteriously cannot gain weight but the other side of my gene pool is Italian and well...we struggle with the pasta okay!)

Kid's make the women fat because she's trying to eat for two at every meal and then poor dad over there is watching mom blow up like a balloon and is eating himself to death because 1. his wife is getting fat 2. there is a screaming monster on the way. It doesn't get any better either because children will not take up ALL of your time. You thought you were going to go to the gym this morning? Well little Frankie had another idea, he is going to crayon the wall and vomit in your hair. Goodluck having any motivation to exercise with all that bullshit going on.

5.  Minivans
 I am pretty sure the second you say "I DO-OMED" your chances of one day owning a mini-van QUADRUPLE. Look, even my dad had a van. In fact, he had two. Chances are you're going to end up needing it for the 4 little spawns of satan you produced.

I can hear myself now, "Steph, you gotta see this thing, the doors are automatic, the chairs fold down so I can put the dogs in the back..and GUESS WHAT, it came with a lifetime stain warranty!!!".

Uh, I'm sorry what happened to my dream of owning a blacked out range rover and mercedes coupe?

6. Men are stupid & Women are CRAZY

For example: You ask your husband to pickup milk from the grocery store. He comes home with WHOLE MILK. I'm sorry am I three? When did I ever purchase WHOLE milk for this household? Are we trying to get even fatter than we did at the beginning of our marriage?

Do you even know what you're apologizing for?

Gents, it's that gold plate in the middle.

Or how about this little scenario: It's your first Christmas at your house and 15 family members are coming for dinner and so far your wife has spent about $795 dollars on food, new household items, table decor, and decorations. She's running around the house barking orders to your frightened children and all of a sudden turns into Medusa as she whips her hair and glares at you for asking what a charger is and where you put it. (Not gonna lie, this is probably my future.) Then for the rest of the day she refuses to speak to you for "not understanding" her needs on such a stressful day.

7. It's fucking expensive
The courting phase...that involves money..but mostly yours gentleman.
The engagement.. oh well rings aren't expensive..If you're a cheap bastard. Sorry gentleman...that's you again.
The Engagement Party, Rehearsal Dinner, Wedding, Honeymoon (well it ALL sounded like a good idea until you maxed out your VISA on party favors and the open bar...)
A house, kids, cars, college education (not just your kids either, you will be paying out the ass on your school loans still as well.)


Well despite the fact that you're BROKE at least you still have your chubby, stressed out, passive aggressive, vomit in their hair, nagging significant other to keep you warm at night.

Enjoy marriage folks, sounds like a great time.


Yours Truly,
The Bitter Bitch