The Single Girl Chronicles

SINGLE GIRL CHRONICLES: PART ONE

I snuck down my stairs sometime around Christmas at the incredibly late hour of 2am and engulfed 4 chocolate hazelnut cookies, by light of the refrigerator. While my dog, Basil silently judged me with her permanent frown and hungry little eyes as I hauled off the milk cartoon. This was slightly irritating because I bought her to give me unconditional love even though I have crumbs on my face. In fact I think she rather enjoys the crumbs. But that nigt her glare was extra harsh.

 I began thinking about how I will cleverly tweet about feeling like a mix between Santa and single while creeping through my home in the dark of night pretending calories do not count because no one saw me. And somehow subsequently relating myself to a jovial pink cheeked obese fictional character who squeezes through chimneys spreading joy to spoiled little child monsters across the world.

Something dawned on me between the chomping of cookie and guzzling of milk. I should share what it is like to be single. Straight from heaps upon heaps of failed dating attempts to finally buying a dog, and spending my Friday nights making coasters out of wine corks. This will be a sort of mini-series for the blog. In which I dream that some rich, well dressed 25-30 year old business man/actor/musician/athlete will happen across this blog and discover that he is really into red-headed, carbohydtrate loving, aspiring writer/chefs, who walk into walls and put their dogs in hideous sweaters. More specifically ME.

So here it is...

STORY ONE

FAILED FLIRTING ATTEMPT:Trying to hit on the cute guy at the yoga studio

So I had been going to this yoga studio on and off since May now and I  would ALWAYS see the CUTEST yogi man just frolicking about looking all yoga buff and relaxed with his adorable messy blonde hair…yum.

We will call him Steve. Steve even learned my name! He was super smiley and excited whenever I would come to class. He even complimented my leg lift while in wheel during one of his classes. Which basically meant he was in love with me right? He wasn’t just being a supportive teacher or smiling at me because it’s good customer service. OBVIOUSLY. Plus yoga teachers aren’t naturally friendly.

Anyways, after class one night I decided to strike up a conversation with him by buying coconut water. Which tastes like moldy toenails. Since I already had a giant water bottle and that was the only other beverage in the fridge I had absolutely no choice. So now I’m stuck awkwardly buying a drink I don’t like so I can make conversation with this kid. TYPICAL.

 I ask him why he’s here so late (because he’s closing the studio) NO SHIT. This conversation just threw itself off a cliff and was free falling straight to a giant pit of really blunt elementary school scissors where it would suffer a drawn out and excruciating death.

So then I continue to babble about nothing while becoming more and more embarrassed, something about loving yoga and not coming as often as I would like..I’m not really sure because when I get going on a tangent I sort of black out and end up saying “like”or “and yeah” entirely too many times. This poor kid is just smiling back at me and nodding while thinking, “I really just want to close this place and get the fuck home.”

Finally I decide to land this sinkhole of a conversation and I say bye to him roughly three times. Then as I turn around to make my defeated exit I drop my keys, my yoga mat swings to the side and smacks me in the head (So obviously I’m looking coordinated, collected, and sexy) Out of the corner of my eye  (blocked by the yoga mat and shame), I saw the class instructor. As I stood up, I looked at her and said “Goodbye thank you for a great class” only to realize it was a complete stranger. I took that as my cue to sprint out the door and escape my embarrassment as soon as possible.