It's V-Day not D-Day

So I bet everyone is expecting a super angry man bashing post where I’m obsessively drinking my wine with my sweatpants up to my sports bra while wearing an over-sized t shirt crying into a tub of Ben and Jerry. Well first of all I would never cry into a tub of Ben and Jerry because that would ruin the delicious taste of the ice-cream.

Long hair, don't care.

Secondly, I’m actually allergic to dairy products (which in all honesty doesn’t stop me). Well, being the stubborn bitter bitch I am, I abso-FUCKING-lutely refuse to be the stereo-typical single betch on Valentine’s Day. So Valentine’s Day isn’t your favorite holiday...who gives a fuck? So your single? Oh boohoo.

I’ve got far bigger fish to fry than to sit around moping about how no one care about me enough to take me out to dinner, buy me roses, and expects me to go home and sleep with them in some over priced lingerie.  HOW ORIGINAL.

Plus there are a lot of people out there who really do care about you. So what if it’s your mom. That lady gave birth to you. She picked you up when you fell off your bike and made sure you had new clothes every school year. That’s far better than some lame Russell Stovers chocolate that you take one bite out of and casually spit it out because it taste like cough syrup.

So much cuter than that photo of you and your boyfriend making out.

Oh and your friends. The kind of people who text dumb boys calling them “douches” for you or buy you “BEST FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS” Valentines day cards. MAYBE they even send you an entire POUND of chocolate in the mail..if you're lucky!

So they can’t feel you up or put their tongue in your mouth (well, depending on who your friends are). But they do know all your strange habits, amazing talents, and every dumb decision you made last weekend. Even better, they love you anyway. I think that kind of love and support is a bit more deep and meaningful than some over-priced dinner with someone who probably pisses you off more than they make you happy.

Yes, I am getting a lap dance from Tommy Thundah.

Your pet also cares about you. Granted they have no choice because you provide the food, water, and belly rubs. Sometimes I prefer to snuggle with my blind dog, who barely recognized me, and wets himself over a guy because he’s been in my life for 16 years WHICH  is far longer than any romantic relationship I will ever have...and he probably isn’t going to make it to 17. Must cherish his snoring and obsessive barking. He also used to out-run me and ALWAYS be wherever I was walking when I was little inevitably tripping me while I had a drink in my hand causing me to go ass over tea kettle while chocolate milk rained down on me. Those are precious memories.

WHAT a handsome little devil.

Being alone isn’t all that awful. Sometimes there’s nothing better than to take up the entire bed while praying you dream about Ryan Goslings perfectly chiseled body....on yours. Or for the guys who actually read this blog Adrianna Lima...(god is there anything wrong with that girl?)



Happy Valentine's Day and Stuff.

A Big Heartfelt Birthday Thank You

I am going to regret being nice...I just know it.


Those of you who know me understand that I have a hard time expressing my emotions. Well not anger, hatred, and surly behavior but the nice ones. In the spirit of my birthday I wanted to take a moment out of my evil thoughts to thank everyone who helped to make my birthday (fake birthday and real) a super happy go lucky, dance in my tiara, fall to the pavement, eat lots of red velvet cake, drink galore, super-exciting and overwhelmingly amazing experience.

That's me..making a heart with my hands...or trying at least.

This past year was insanely difficult for me. I experienced heartbreak (you all wonder what made me so terribly pissed off at men), mentally and physically demanding college courses, loss of a family member as well as a friend, a demanding work schedule, and some incredibly shitty hangovers...

(In which I actually prayed to God ((any and all religious figures actually)) that if they were to just end my hangover that INSTANT I would forever be a devout follower of them and NEVER take another sip of the pukey punch of booze again) Don't act like you haven't done that either. You're all guilty.

Anyway, for a while there I was REALLY freakin' lost. Why do shitty things keep happening? What is wrong with this world? Will I ever get a chance to come up for air? I felt like I was constantly being smacked in the back of the head and tackled into the water by ginormous waves. Sometimes it's hard to admit too. I was stubborn. I didn't want to admit that I was literally barely making it up for air.

I think I was somewhere about 2/3 of a way down a skinny girl margarita this August when I felt another wave coming. If any of you know me I'm not really the type of person who lets the ocean of life consume her. I'm a little to busy kicking it right smack in the balls with my stilettos. So guess what!? I decided to finally fight back. Which, I am going to encourage anybody who might find themselves in this position to do. Stand up, look that fucking wave right in the eye and don't let it take you down. Smile at the wave, make friends with those next to you being beaten by the ocean as well. Lean on some shoulders for support, kiss a couple of fishies that happen to philander on by, hell hop on a boat and laugh in the face of the wave.

Shitty things happen to everyone. Life's a bitch, be a bigger, better, stronger one.

Once I started to do this it became a lot more clear to me that the amazing people, opportunities, and education I have been given out-weighed these incredibly crazy and unkind things that kept happening.

That even if bad things continue to happen I had this lovely little support system of people. People who make me laugh, who snuggle like champions, who pour me another glass of wine, who hug like they mean it, who appreciate a good Bruins win, who do things without asking for anything in return, who can carry on a conversation of purely sexual innuendos, those who work hard for the things they have and appreciate them as well. Those people... family and friends really helped me to beat the living daylight out of those infuriating waves.

Ugh, kicking ass is SO exhausting.

So thank you...to everyone. SERIOUSLY. After I write this I am going to completely black it out and claim I never said any of this.


Special thanks go out to my mom (WENDEL), dad (cupcake), my brother, sister-in-law, Little Rocco, Stephanie Masters, Molly O'Brion, Tom Biskup, Chelsea Leishman, Emily Ballard, Anna Lyke, Aaron Harvey, and every guy I've kissed since...July (wait, boys kiss bitter, evil bitches)?!


Lots of Love (just this once),
Teen

Coming Home: The people you want to see and those well yeah..

You know what I'm talking about. It's break (Thanksgiving, Christmas..pick any holiday)...you're finally 21 and you get to go to your towns local 'hot' spots to grab drinks with your friends. You inevitably run into every person you went to high school with and then some. 

My friend came up to me after the third night looked me in the eye and said "I can't do this anymore, I cannot have the same conversation with another person one more time."

Let me explain:
GIRLS
"Hiiiiii how areeeee you you looook soo great!" (embrace with hug)
"Where are you going to school again...oh nice what's your major!" (Half the shit you already know from facebook)
 "Are you still with what's his face?"
"No we don't speak that cheating bastards his name." (cue in awkward moment)
"Have you seen (insert mutual friend name here)? "
"You haven't well they are around here somewhere!"
"Oh wow that's awesome!"
"Yeah I love coors light too!"
 "Youuuu look so great did you lose weight?"

 GUYS
"Hey man how's it going dude" (strange man embrace with some handshake, man hug, pound-it  thingy I can't do)
"Yeah I have seen you in a minute"
"Just hanging out finishing up school, still playing hockey"
"Haha yeah been checkin' into the woodshed quite a bit with a couple of different bitties"
"Did you see what's her face"
"Yeah man did her tits get bigger or what?"

Then it's...

That girl who was too cool for you in high school suddenly says Hi or that guy you had a crush on as a freshman in high school buys you a drink and drunkenly starts hitting on you.

There are the people you would rather not see, the people you're indifferent about, and there's the few people who you run up to and leap into their arms of pure excitement. (Oh I'm sorry that's how I greet people I truly adore, maybe some of you still go for the hug but I prefer a dramatic scene similar to when Baby jumps into Patrick Swayzees (RIP) arms in Dirty Dancing.)

Unfortunately, I've never been able to FULLY execute this.

So you have your reunions, you smile deviously at that cute guy you want to make out with (what, no I've never done that!), you buy people you barely know shots, and at the end of the night you're a little exhausted from all of it. So many people stuffed into about 2.5 hours of loud music and overpriced drinks. There's the bumpin' and grindin, exchanging of numbers (most you will never use), and running around like a drunken idiot. Lets be honest, you wouldn't see 85% of these people if you weren't at this hole in the wall bar.

What I'm trying to say is we can't blame ourselves or anyone. Life happens. We grow up and we change. We all go off on our ways becoming strange little adults adventuring off on our own. We forget to keep in touch with each other. But every once in a while we get our shit together and we make it happen.

 I learned that drinking 3 bottles of wine and eating massive amounts of pizza while reconnecting with my loud, crazy, friends is extremely more gratifying than standing in a crowded bar screaming to have a conversation. That late night trips to Burger King and car dancing like a nut job builds a better friendship than lifeless conversations with captain and cokes at the bar.

Somewhere along the line home changes. It's not the place you sleep anymore. It's that friend who knows your favorite candy and buys it for you just because, the person who helps you wash the dishes after a party, or backs your ass up even when you're blatantly wrong. They don't question it they just do. Those are the people you want in your life. Those are the people you would tackle to the dirty bar floor in embracing in a giant bear hug of love, affection, and potentially and STD or two if you're at the HOASIS.

So there it is. I do kind of sort of in my own twisted dysfunctional way...have a heart.



Now go fuck yourself.

The Bitter Bitch Gives Thanks

It's that time of year again...where we all sit around the dinner table and tell people what un-selfish and non-superficial things in life we are thankful for. Because heaven forbid if we did that EVERY day.


So here it goes, a heartfelt thank you from the bottom of my heart...(yeah right.)

Wine: Where would I be without fermented grapes? Sober ...less enthusiastic...hanging out alone in my sweatpants. Just kidding, I drink in my sweats all the time, while listening to Dashboard Confessional or watching some sappy Grey’s Anatomy episode where something bad happens to Meredith. Oh wait, that is EVERY episode. But really my Pinot Grigio and Cabernet Sauvignon have played a major part my life this semester. Helping me through the weekends..oh okay and most weekdays. Somehow after one glass of wine..or 4 the world doesn’t piss me off so much. The bitter bitch might even hug you or make a sincere comment.  I cannot say the same for Chardonnay. That girl is a slut and I hope she casually slips down a moutain, falls into a river, and dissapears into the cold abyss.

Stilettos, Wedges, Pumps etc: Thank you to the man who decided that a women squeezing her feet into a pair of shoes that make her feel like her entire foot is being suffocated by an anaconda was a good idea. Not only does it provide us with a weapon against creeps but these things make our legs look thinner and longer. These shoes have the power to turn a grown man in the liquor store into a child as you peruse for your Skinny Girl Cocktails. They turn a dull boring outfit into that of a sex kitten ready to pounce on her prey. The only downside is they make it just a little difficult to run away. You will feel like you’ve run 2 miles when in reality your only 10 feet away and your boyfriend is standing there staring at you waiting for you to get tired and limp back.

Kissing: You know when you have been having the absolute worst day? Like you stepped in dog poop, fell down the stairs, failed a quiz, swore in front of a baby, and you have a spaghetti sauce ring around your lips? Then this stupid person holds your face, looks you in the eyes, and kisses you. And that’s it. Your skin starts buzzing and you want to smile but then you would ruin the kiss. The world sort of just stops. In that one little moment your mind goes quiet and that fact that your shoes smell and you feel like an utter failure doesn’t matter. But let me warn you all if you kiss someone for too long that might lead to feelings. I strongly discourage this type of behavior as in my years of wisdom this leads to a relationship that is undoubtedly doomed. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Molly O’Brion: Sometimes I might want to push her off a very small cliff but if anyone so much as even looks at her the wrong way my fangs come out. I once glared at one of her boyfriends in the hallway at school and to this day he still looks a little scared of me. She is my longest relationship (16 years) and counting! I can’t help but love her because she is OBSESSED with writing neatly, she once smacked her face off of a brick wall, and her dance moves and music preferences are all out horrendous. She also used to wear shoes like the spice girls and run around the playground in super high pigtails.  She has this great ability to find humor in the darkest of times, which is when it is the most important. She also plans to devote her life to the education of our future children. If that doesn't make you love her then you can go fuck yourself.

Boys: Gentleman, you are all relatively useless. But I am going to be stuck with one of you for my entire life one day so I am determined to be thankful.
The tall ones of you who can help me reach the wine glasses on the top shelf, you are like a heroic angel from heaven with your long arms.
Those of you who come to my rescue when I cannot open the pickle jar for the life of me, I am deeply appreciative. I will however still maintain that I loosened the cap for you.
Boys who give me free beer because I smiled and kissed you on the cheek. First of all you’re a sucker, second of all THANK YOU for the beer.
I am honestly trying to think of more things to be thankful for from you guys but I’m drawing a blank.

My Super Dysfunctional Family: I’m Italian. My family talks with their hands, their version of quiet is your version of yelling. We love garlic, basil, and tomatoes and our hearts are too big. We adopt animals at alarming rates, hate each other one minute and love another the next, we dance on table tops, promise our children ponies, and we can talk shit about our family all we want but if you even so much as make a small comment we will attack you like a pack of blood thirsty piranhas. Why? Because these are the people who pickup the phone at 2am when your crying your eyes out. They show up at all of your lame birthdays and make sure you wear proper clothing in the winter. They know every scar, favorite song, and weird habit. You're stuck with them. Get used to it and start appreciating it.

I'm sorry but these are not sweatpants. What is wrong with the world?

 Sweatpants: There is no greater creation than the elastic waist. For someone who struggles to wear pants on a daily basis sweatpants help to ease my trouble. It is pure bliss after a long day to slide into my UNH size large sweats (I bought a size up for extra comfort, I’m not REALLY a size large, STOP JUDGING ME). Guess what else I do? If I’ve over-indulged on dinner I pull them up just above my belly button to contain myself. I would be embarrassed but the sheer comfort of this act outweighs my shame. Can't wait to slip into a pair of these after Thanksgiving dinner...

The Bruins: Is that a 6 game winning streak we are on? Somewhere around 36ish goals? Despite the fact Seguin thinks it’s okay to grow a mustache I am completely in love with all of you. I wish I could express happiness and empty wine bottles these wins have brought me. THANK YOU.

Mascara: Some mornings I wakeup and I look in the mirror and it’s a scary sight. My hair is doing something strange, my nose ring hurts, and there are little goey/crusty things in the corners of my eyes. I tenderly refer to them as Eye Snot. Very appealing I know. I no longer wonder why I do not have a boyfriend, trust me. But with a quick splash of water and a couple of layers of mascara (a few more if I end up poking myself in the eye with the wand and have to take a break to wimper from the pain) but after that suddenly I have a decent looking set of eyes without eye snot. Mascara you are a god. Keep up the good work.

Bad Songs: You know that overly dramatic song skyscraper by Demi Lovato? What the fuck is going on? Why is she so upset, she’s at the beach. Sit down in a lawn chair hunny, have a pina colada and forget about being a skyscraper. That’s your problem. Your spending too much time wishing you were an inanimate object. Jesus Christ shutup, sit down, put on your bikini and stop whining. Without this song however, I would have no reason to be thankful for all the great songs that actually have meaning or a good beat.



All in all, the moral of the story is no matter how big or small there is always something to be thankful for. You just have to open your eyes and find the good. (Wait, that exists?)

Thank You (seriously, I still can't believe people read my blog.)

The Bitter Bitch

You know you're from South Portland when..

Guess where my loyalty lies?

1.) When you say "I'm going to the store", it means ( Hannaford or Shaws)..also you're probably deathly loyal to one or the other.

2.) You refer to any area past Grandview as "Maiettaville"

3.) Your high school has aspestice and mold, not to mention the wall is breaking away from the floor and you can drop small objects like bits of paper and pencils down into the classroom below. (It only took 27 gazillion years for a renovation)

4.) It's a serious decision to pick where you're going to get ice cream in the summer (unless the ice cream truck drives by) Dairy Queen, Red's, or Beals..
editors note:
DQ has the best hot fudge.

There she is..in her PRIME!

Red's has amazing french fries, "nor'easters", and fat free ice cram.
Beals has great lobster rolls (or so some lady raved to me once), hard-serve, and that cute sparkly tip can with the names of the colleges the current SP student seniors who work there will be going to.
Let's be honest though: Were going wherever we know one of our friends are working so we can get a free sugar fix.

5.) Wendy's/Tim Horton's classified as a hangout when we had nothing better to do and no where to go.

6.) Deer Road is not just a street...but an activity...and if you're a super pansy..it's a scary one!

7.) Willard Beach is not a place you go during the day (there's a sewage pipe running into the water for Christ's sake) but a place people go at night to drink or smoke..maybe even both!
and inevitably get caught by the cops (oh yeah they figured you guys out a long time ago)

8.) EVERYONE is obsessed with Higgins Beach

No thanks, I have no soul..a steak and cheese would suit me better.

Even though they make you promise your soul to the devil and give your entire life's savings to park there AND there isn't a decent snack place unless you walk 12 miles, through sand and gravel..and gamble what's left of your life (you have no soul remember) trying to cross the busy street to a farm stand that sells vegetables and juice.

9.) Mr. Brogan and Mr. Chapin are not just men..but legends.

10.) You can name about 10 hoodrats off the top of your head.

11.) You still segregate your friendships based on where each other went to middle school.

"Oh that's right..you went to Mahoney..What's it like going to prison every day?" Do you miss those creepy vines strangling your school? I hope a duck bit you out at Millcreek park on a half day.."

There she blows!

"Well at least our school doesn't have mold and make our principal leave due to illness. Have fun at Dunkin Donuts or Willows after your school dances. We'll be hanging out in the shopping center trying to decide on Wendy's, McDonalds, Angelones...or stealing a 5th of vodka from Shaws!"

12.) You judge every body's prom dress...every year...as if it were the Oscars.. (wait what that's just me?!)

Prom '07  ( infants)

Prom '08 ( I became more bodacious sadly..and Molly..well STEPPED up her game from '07)

View this video: (Chris Biskup serenading my camera about taking his clothes off.. typical ..ps nothing I can do about the video being in the wrong direction)

13.) "Were watching a movie" being said to either of your parents means "Hey mom and dad ________'s (insert friend's name here) parents aren't home and we're having a huge ripper at their house and some one's going to get in a fight and someone else is going to break something, and that girl will be all over all the guys, and then he's gonna toss his cookies all over the antique couch Nana gave _____'s mom on her death bed"

14.) You still secretly wish that senior you had a crush on when you were a freshman would suddenly notice you for the amazing person you are...and make out with you at the bars.

15.)HOP is not what bunnies do. It is a place where you eat pizza or yummy cheeseburger subs!

16.) Your parents have waited  in line for hours with magazines and lawn chairs to sign you up for rec camp.

17.) You miss when Thatchers was inside the Maine Mall. Weathervane was an awesome store when you were 12 and bought your first thong there. Also you weren't cool in elementary school unless you shopped at Limited Too (now called Justice..WTF is that shit.)

18.)  A typical weekend as a kid consisted of sleeping over one of your friends house's
        Staying up too late talking on AIM to your gf/bf or "crush", playing Nintendo 64, eating bagels.
        Going to the mall or the movies the next day meeting up with those people you were instant
        messaging all night.


19.) Happy Wheels was a great place, curse "AUTOsucksLAND". Couple skates, roller blades, and the chicken dance..my god I want to be 10 again.

20.) You claim there is "nothing to do" in SoPo yet every time you leave you miss EVERYTHING about it. From your Mom's chop suey, Dad's cursing at the television, you're "AMAZING" friends, that pot-hole that ruins your front end alignment for some reason you can't seem to remember its there, your bed, the tree in your front yard, drinking in your buddies basement, lack of responsibility, your friends parents, the soap dispenser in your bathroom, the dent in the hall, your cat that died 10 years ago...(the list goes on)

Additional Notes:

*You refer to the "Upper Parking Lot as the UPP which makes abosolutely no sense"
* Sledding @ the UPP at night after a huge snowstorm is something you still enjoy..at the age of 25.
*You went to school somewhere far away... and then transferred to UMAINE Orono
*Officer Friendly didn't seem so friendly when he gave you that summonses.

So quitchabellyachin'

You fucking love your city.

A "So Po Hoe" Dose of Teen

Life Lesson: Tom Biskup Style

 

Meet Tom! At one point in time he had a little teensy weensy problem with taking things that were not his ( case in point we stole this from a local restaurant in our home town). But he has since reformed his ways and become an excellent community citizen! 

However, I feel this sign really describes an excellent mantra for life:

Plan for the future but don't take it entirely two seriously..you never know when you're going to need that second case of beer. Celebration or sorrows, it will be your friend.

A Small Dose of Teen