Hooking Up: What the fuck does that even mean?

Lets tackle the ambiguities and lifelong conundrum of "hooking up". Does anyone even really know what the FUCK that means? Because I don't. Honestly...it ranges from making out casually at the frat party, that person you booty call at 2am on the weekends, to casual sleepovers on Monday nights with a side of a snuggle sesh.

Instead of trying to put "hooking up" into one category I thought I'd put them into several. Cause we all know there isn't just one type

See that girl on the left, she's lining up her 2am man.

The Bootycall Hookup: Oh admit it. We all have that person our nether regions begin to think about after one too many glasses/shots (or an entire bottle of wine/ SOCO if you have gonads) You pick up your cell phone....look around to see if anyone's watching you and then you commit the ultimate crime. You sext them. Something like "Whererss are yuo" or "whhklf" or "Let's bone", as you're texting this thoughtful remark, you legit think you are so CLEVER. Probably the tequilla making you think that because that is some incredibly unoriginal shit. Whatever, it works. You meet up after your night is over (heaven forbid if anyone actually see's you two together) and your out of each other's bed by 4am that morning. SEE YA LATAH SUNSHINE, thanks for the ride.

The "I'm really bored so I guess I'll hangout with you" Hookup: This persons probably pretty cool but they aren't your first choice for a hookup (see the last "hookup" category). You normally end up hanging out with them when all of your friends are busy and your first, second, third choices for hookups fell through. Every time you invite them over you struggle to not text someone else, find yourself making grocery lists in your head, and trying to do things to piss them off so they think your a asshole and never want to hangout again. That's obviously the best thing to do because actually telling someone you aren't interested in them is incredibly immature and never okay.

I'm so glad we can be friends in bed and in the water!

The Friendly Hookup: This one is kinda cool. You can interact with their friends, family, and them on a super friendly, non-awkward that we did the sexual tango together, basis. You hangout in sexual and non-sexual situations. You can talk like your dating or like your best friends. Singing Nsync in the car in the Burger King line is totally acceptable and you could care less if they hookup with someone else. You two have a mutual understanding that every once and a while your gonna need a little rendez-vous. They provide the perfect amount of lovin', compliments, and hilarity. Could it get any better? Probs not. Keep it real. Enjoy.


The Going Nowhere Hookup: Every time it happens you literally think, "Why did I do that" or "Why do we keep doing this." You both know it's never going to work. You two are entire opposites, you don't understand each other, and it's never even that satisfying. Kind of like eating a bag of lays potato chips. You're full but not really satified. Read my blog "Hookups in Retrospect" for further insight on that weird feeling you get after an unfulfilling one nighter.


The "Why the hell did I think that was a good idea" Hookup: This one is funny, you wakeup the next morning (in an alcohol induced fog) look over and literally have to cover your mouth as you roll your eyes and an accidental laugh/grunt erupts from you. You have a nice little conversation in your head about how to best get this person out of your bed. "Should I fake sick?" "Do I pretend I have to go to work" "Do I continue to sleep and hope they get up and leave REALLY soon" "Should I fart?" "Maybe if I breath really heavily on them with my gross morning breath they will get the hint and go away."
 Oh well, however way you get rid of them it still makes for a pretty decent story and you know your friends will enjoy laughing at all of your sexcapades.

Let's toast to GOOD decisions.

The Hookup that just might lead into a relation(shit): For the record this is dumb. Anybody who thinks feelings are cool can just get the fuck out. You do all the lovely courting stuff like holding your metatarsals together even when one of you has chronic sweaty palms, staring longingly into one another's eyes...

SIDENOTE: I have no idea how people do this. If someone looks at me for any period of time longer than three seconds I get super concerned that there is a big booger hanging out of my nose or I have peanutbutter on my face. Or I do something like make a monkey face or wink (un-seductively). I guess that's what caring is, being able to stare at someone without having to worry if there's a bunch of bullshit hanging off yo mug. Sorry I'm too emotionally stunted for that.

 anyway...

and cracking lots of inside jokes that no one else understand or really even gives a shit about. There's this super charged and emotional royal rumble style (also if they've never played Sega Genesis Royal Rumble then they're too young for you bro) first kiss and you think of them not just when you are horny & boozin' but they put a smile on your face in the morning when you wake up (GAG) and you do super "ADORABLE" things to make all your facebook friends jealous like go out to eat at fancy restaurants, pick obscene amounts of apples that are just going to go moldy and die, or pose in front of really picturesque scenery while you too look all "Hallmark Card" perfect. Don't even get me started on the "kiss pics". I'm sorry, I don't care if you kiss your "almost" boyfriend. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO. You look like that little dog that keeps peeing on the fire hydrant to show that it's hers. I can guarantee you 3 other girls are probably peeing on it too. How's that for honesty? How do you feel about your "kiss pic" now honey?

Oopsies, that was a LITTLE tangent. This sort of progesses in the previous blog of "How to date" so just read that cause I'm sick of talking about relationshits. It ends with you two becoming facebook official and the entire world hating you for your happiness. How does that sound?

Let me leave you with a little inspirational quote to remind you of your ever lasting love...

"You've got to accept the fact that life isn't a fairy tale, things aren't always happily ever after. Things like magic wishes, Prince Charmings and true love don't happen in real life. Magic wishes come from money, Prince Charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes. And true love? Ha, true love is one-sided, Ace. You love her, she loves someone else. She loves you, you love someone else. Never quite works out does it? So you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love. Real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it. 'If you wish, it'll happen.' Well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster. Welcome to reality. Enjoy your stay."

Oh I forgot to mention something, in all of these there is not discussion of what you're doing. So each of you is left in this deranged crazy limbo where one of your probably cares more than the other. The fact that your "pseudo" relationship hasn't been discussed leaves you open to hookup with other people without actually feeling bad because you never really talked about exclusivity. You don't have to feel guilty if you don't call them every day, you're not obligated to spend money on them, and you certainly never have to tell them what you are doing. Think about it. That's kinda nice...not having someone up your ass all the time leaves a lot more time for the important things like drinking, reading a book, or doing something infinitely more interesting than trying to be in a relationshit.

Enjoy your lives folks. And remember, there is one single person you thought of for EVERY single one of these categories. Use your people wisely.


Lots of anger and hatred,
Teen

Adventures with my Father

Now to those of you who know me understand that my dad and I have a very special relationship. We bond over chicken piccata, he collects spiders from the garage and leaves them on my bed, and we both own cowboy boots.

I am going to share some of our more interesting memories in which we experienced while being "roommates.

I had the pleasure of spending an entire summer living with my dad before my sophomore year of college. I learned that his snoring can be heard from the other side of the house with 3 different doors closed and that I should never leave underwear that says, "SHUTUP AND KISS ME" in the dryer where my he will find them. To be fair when I bought them I really had no idea they said that.

 My dad is known as "The  Aggravater" or "Cupcake". "Aggravater Dad" does things like chase me around the house with a spider trapped under glass and a piece of paper while I spray pledge at him until he corner's me and throws the spider at me as I shriek in fear of the eight legged beast. Nearly in tears as my dad is pissing himself laughing so hard he shows me that its just a fake spider drawn on the computer paper. What an asshole right?

Well later that evening I was sitting in the computer room when I can hear my father pawing through the kitchen. This is how he earned the nickname, "Cupcake". I instantly knew what he was looking for. His favorite lady in the whole world. 

Debbie, you're a trifalin hoe.

 LITTLE DEBBIE. Those of you who do not know me, I find the need to hide things people should not have. As a child I would stow my mom's cigarettes in various locations, I once hid an ex-boyfriends chain wallet from him in his own bedroom because it was hideious and I didn't want to be seen with a Jax Teller wannabe, and you bet I hide the Hostess/Little Debbie artery clogging confections from my father.

People just don't understand I am just trying to protect them. Anywho, I can hear dad hunting for his tasty treats, pour himself a tall glass of milk and make his way over to the computer room. 

"Chrisssssteeeeeeeena" he whines. 

"Where are the Little Debbies!?!?"

He sounds desperate. I can hear him inching closer. I'm smirking because he will never find them. That's when I heard it. The slip, the bang, the crashing of the cup to the floor. I stop in my tracks, stunned for a moment, worried that my dad is incapacitated and I am the only one who can save him.

I erupt from the chair to the doorway where I see my dad Shamu style on the floor clutching his hand.

Shamu Style

"Fuck" I thought, "His arm is broken". 

He looks up at me with tears in his eyes and cries out, " Myyyyyyyy pinnnnnkkkyyyy". All while clutching his hand in complete and utter pain. I couldn't believe it, my dad is not a small guy, he is relatively masculine, and he was sitting there in shambles over his pinky finger?

That's when I lost it. For a good 45 minutes I could not stifle my laughter. After cleaning up the spilled milk, getting him a band aid and cleaning his "wound" I was still hysterical.  He was getting angrier and angrier. He claims he fell where I had sprayed pledge at him that morning during the spider fiasco.  Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but I like to call that karma.

Sharing embarassing stories about my family members is only okay if I tell you about not so shining moments of mine. So some of you may know that I am a 'little bit' (being an understatement) of a country fan. My lovely father to whom I just spoke of bought me VIP tickets to go see Brad Paisley at Seacoast Country Fest (probably still feeling bad about tormenting me with bugs 2 years ago). 

Well my friend and I started drinking at 3pm...Unfortunately we never actually made it to our seats and I will never know what was in my "VIP gift bag". But I can tell you that my cell phone died at the end of the concert and I was left running back and forth around Scarborough downs searching for my dad who was picking up his "mature & sophisticated" 21 year old daughter. In this time I managed to give my number to a hot guy when I was supposed to be finding my dad, stopped a woman in her car to drunkenly borrow her cell phone (turns out she knew me when I was a baby..go figure)..and then I hopped on a golf cart with event security and made him weave through traffic to find the escalade in the disaster of cars waiting to leave Scarborough Downs.  He dropped me off, I popped myself into the back seat, buckled up, looked at my father and demanded he get me a cheeseburger. Who did I think I was David Hasselhoff?  The funny thing is he really did speed off to Wendy's along with 78% of the concert attendees just to get me a late night drunken snack. On the way I suddenly realized I had to pee. It was urgent. Incredibly urgent and I began to yell very loudly.This is where I have to make my dad pull behind Dunkin Donuts so I can pee behind their dumpster in the woods. I am lucky I didn't come face to face with a skunk. Eventually I got my cheeseburger and the next morning I noticed a trail of bacon leading from the car to the house so I am assuming I enjoyed it. I'm sure my dad enjoyed watching me scurry behind a dumpster to pee and my belligerent yelling about fast food because who wouldn't want a daughter who is just that cla$$y?

Well there you have it, a glimpse into my super special relationship with Johnny D. Be jealous that your dad doesn't dance to Michael Jackson in his towel  or organize your jewelry box when he's bored.

A Daughter Dose of Teen

A Delightful Boston Evening: Wienersnitzel, Beer, and Snickerdoodles.

Synopsis:
Hanging out at a German Restaurant
Slow cookin' Carolina style pulled pork
Apparating to parties
Silver bullets and photos
Lovin' pulled pork at 3am
Chattin' with Anastasia at Dunks

German restaurants not a place I frequent quite often. But when there's a deadly combination of man-children, beer, fried pickles, chili nachos , and bratwurst sandwiches you really can't pass up such a blog provoking time.

Things discussed at the table:
Sexual innuendos about a liquor store and German sausages
Berating of Lopesie's crimson crusted bed linens (don't ask, don't tell)
Donating kidney's to your husband  (purely fucking epic/ true story)
The God-like creation of Buffalo Chicken Mac N Cheese
The Incredible Eating Abilities of Nick Vennochi

Back at the homeland:
A brief power nap, trip to the liquor store, and someone mistaking my hairspray for whipped cream.. we all geared up to adventure out god knows where (this group of gents is like a combo of non-declawed kittens and bulls in a very small china closet)

Party:
Acquiring two for one beers
Being social butterflies
Favorite animated movie moments typical college party chatter ( Finding Nemo, The Brave Little Toaster, The Lion King)
No toilet paper in the bathroom (a sad realization for all girls who had to pee at the party..including me..drip dry is only okay for dishes)
Attempted fights
Harry Potter references
ex bf/gf sexual hate tension ( awkward in any other situation but this) Typical conversations include "I hate you" -smiling and exchanging of hugs " If you were a man I would punch you in the face right now" "I wish you would"

Mission: Get Home Safe and Snuggle
Cab ride with a cabbie using a GPS. Excuse me?
Berating a drunken, petite, girl who attempted to trip us on the street ( What a great idea too, how nice of you to extend your back leg in an attempt at watching me fall on my face, that's ONLY funny in big daddy you stupid biotch!)
Trying to take on a group of four dudes, two chicks with two dudes and one chick (potentially possible, but we were hungry and tired..and of course smart.)
Molesting the pulled pork, cole slaw, and bulkie roles at 3am to make everyone a delicious and inspiring late night snack
Being hand served warmed snickerdoodle cookies before bed

Wearing brown leather boots, UNH capri sweatpants, a baby seal shirt, and day old crusty makeup to dunks the next morning. SIGN OF A GOOD NIGHT.

A Bostonian Dose of Teen :0)

How to not impress the ladies

Dear Horny Group of Average Looking Mid-Twenties Men who have clearly haven't watched Wedding Crashers to actually get the girls,

     Oh yes whistle and hoot at me. What a great idea. Call me your "grey goose girl" that is really going to make me swoon. While you're swaying around drunkenly trying to find the bathroom I am trying to facilitate a wedding in a three hour span with mother's of both the bride and groom up my ass and a grouchy caterer. Making suggestive remarks while trying to find my face between the triple vision and your meandering eyeballs really makes me want to go home with you. Call me crazy but I kinda like it when a guy can pronounce all his words clearly and look me in the eye, but maybe I'm just old fashioned like that. Your version of "sexy" to Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leopard falls somewhere in the category of Simon Cowells chest hair and my dad's toenails. Loosen that tie up a little more, untie your shirt, and take another shot, you look so handsome when you're disheveled, stained, and red in the face. In between your hiccups and slurs maybe I can hold your tie up for you when your puking into a side street later tonight. That will put the whipped cream and cherry on top of my shit fest of a week! Oh please please please ask me if I will go out with you later. How did you know I wanted to spend my evening with you? Was it the fact that the groom told me I could punch you in the face? Was it the excitement written all over my face as I cleaned up you and your buddies spilled drinks and dirty napkins? Was it when I cut you off of the bar!? Oh c'mon which of my friendly advances led you to believe I had even the most remote interest in you? Don't make me do it, oh you left me no choice. I must make you feel old and creepy now by letting you know I am not of age to drink. What! You feel bad for me! That's such a nice thing to say. You the belligerent mess with the sweaty face using that pole to keep yourself upright. Thank you for telling me you feel bad for me. I totally wish I was in your position right now about to keel over and toss my cookies all over my shoes, wipe the snot and mess off my face, and hop on over to the bars where I will try to bump and grind with chicks in hopes that they will let me get in their pants. Oh keep yelling, " I know girls like you" fourth times the charm buddy. Still not changing my mind. Go play with yourself and get the hell out of my vision line.

Peace, Love, and Sassyness

Always here to give you my daily dose,

Teen