What Women Want

What do women want? What a perplexing and over-whelming subject to tackle. Guys have been absolutely clueless about this since I don't know the dawn of time? I’ll let you in on a little secret. Most of the time we have no fucking clue what we want either. We mostly know what we don’t want.

However lucky for you I am going to try to dig deep down into my non-existent feelings and come up with a few general things that the ladies really do want. Besides an all black Range Rover, Christian Louboutins, and a REALLY big .....boat.

To Laugh...a lot: I’ve said it before “If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything”

I have found no exception to this rule (even myself). I’m not talking about giggling or those  excruciatingly painful fake laughs either. It’s the kind that makes it so she can’t breath, she snorts, and has to grab your leg for support because yes, you are bringing her to her knees (MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER A-HOLES) Really there is nothing better. We don’t want to sit in bed at night and talk about the GDP (please if you don’t know what this is google it, and never ask me out on a date.) We want you to make goofy faces and accents that make us want to sleep with you even more than we already want to. So don’t be afraid to make yourself look like an idiot, that again ONLY makes you more attractive (unless it’s the bad kind like trying to convince us butt-sex is romantic or making out with someone right in front of us...) Even then we’re going to have to laugh because who calls butt-sex romantic? Or says something like, well she went 90% so I was obligated to go 10%. Oh by the way that’s stolen from Hitch.

For you to understand that we are indeed “fucking crazy” but to never EVER think of calling us this. Only we can reference ourselves as “nuts”, “crazy”, or “psycho”. You, as the man who wants to be with us better freakin' love us for our random rants about the stupidity of people who do not put their blinker on before turning
                                            (SERIOUSLY WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM DID YOU NOT

TAKE DRIVERS ED? HAVE YOU NEVER OPERATED A VEHICLE BEFORE!?) or how we freak out and jump in the air with excitement, even “attempting” to do the moonwalk when something really good happens. On the other end of the spectrum we reserve the right to crawl into the fetal position and sob uncontrollably when our day goes absolutely terrible. Please bring us tissues, some tylenol, water, and lots of kisses when this happens. If you don’t think you can handle any of this or all of this you should probably no longer date women.

Attention: JESUS CHRIST JUST TELL ME YOU THINK I’M PRETTY. How many times do I have to smile affectionately or lean over in this v-neck with this uncomfortable over-priced Victoria’s Secret bra. How about you complement my incredibly smart comment on the basketball game that I’ve been waiting to use for a week or how I seem to know everything about the Tyrannosaurus Rex? Please don’t make me beg for it. Wanna know a real killer move? Look in our eyes, putting that annoying piece of hair that always seems to fall in our face behind our ear, looking into our eyes, and kiss us. Dear god, that is the epidimey of attention. Please feel free to throw pillows at us, tickle us, and annoyingly poke us...until we get “fake mad” as well.

  
At least one John Cusack worthy life moment: You know how he puts the radio over his head below the girls window to express his undying love for her? I think every girl has their own version of this moment in their life. I will let you in on mine and then deny that I ever said it.

It’s a really crappy rainy day (yet somehow my hair still looks amazing, full of life, and is repelling water) but in reality I am soaked to the bone because of course I didn’t know it was going to rain and I wore neither a jacket or brought an umbrella, there are grocery bags in my hands and I am beyond frustrated because I had to go back into the store 3 times after forgetting the necessary items for a new recipe I have been dying to make. I am pissed off because some bonehead I am dating has been jerking me around for several months with his inability to commit when all of a sudden as I’m frantically trying to find my house keys (getting them while in the car clearly was too smart of a decision) and I look up to my super stud-ly handsome, looks great in the rain, man person to whom I really want to punch in the face is standing there in the rain  (with an umbrella because he KNOWS I don’t check the weather). He drops said umbrella and I’m standing there awkwardly holding my groceries..he of course takes them from my hands and gently places them on the ground..only to then grab my face with his hands and give me a kiss worthy of making my me wet my pants. (I’ll just let that one sit). No need for words here, the kiss says it enough, oh and the fact that I look like a drowned muskrat  with mascara running down her face and he still wants to touch me is just the icing on the cake.

For you to have your FUCKING shit together: There are two forms of this BTW

 1.There is nothing we hate more than being jerked around or waiting around for you to figure out what you what. If you have no idea what you want please don’t drag us around aimlessly with you like some security blanket. Sure we would love to help you make life decisions, weigh in on the things your not sure of. But if your changing your mind about us from one week to the next just do everyone a favor and cut the chord.

Ladies, if he isn't returning the warmth, toss ice on his balls.

2. If you are constantly broke, don’t have a car, can’t seem to ever do your own laundry, the place in which you reside looks like an atomic bomb went off in it and we are afraid to pee in your bathroom, your idea of a home-cooked meal is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on some stale bread and some jelly you stole from your roommate, you get obscenely drunk every weekend and either get in a fight, wet yourself, or act like a complete douche bag towards us then guess what YOU DON’T HAVE IT TOGETHER and it is time for us to say buh bye. Or call him and play this song on his Voicemail.

 THE BIG KAHUNA: Security/Love
Now I know everyone thinks I am an extremely heartless person (please have a chat with my best friends and you will realize that is totally not the case).

 I just understand the difference between “OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY!!!” and “I will always be here for you even when I want to punch you in the face and you make it incredibly difficult or something terribly bad happens like you get cancer or we file for bankruptcy”. Love is not sunshine and rainbows. It is an everyday compromise that you and another person make because you couldn’t imagine making those tough decisions with anyone else. Well ya know the ever-lasting kind. There are plenty of other kinds that are really great and really fun, but I’m pretty sure that the aforementioned is the only kind that can last a lifetime and the whole entire reason why we get so damn frustrated about this topic in the first place.Enough about that...

Let’s be real. Women are no picnic. No day at the sun-shiney beach...what we really want it to know that you’re there for us. That even though we are incredibly strong independent people you still want to protect us from the bad in the world...even if it’s in the form of a super scary eight legged creature in which is causing us to take refuge on the living room coffee table. We want you to feel a little over-protective when someone says something terrible about us or some guy hits on us right in front of you! We want to know when you are not in bed with us that you are going to bed ALONE (as in WITHOUT anyone else) and we want to be sure of that. No doubts whatsoever that Selena the Slut isn’t paying you a little visit at 2am. That’s security.

So there you have it. What women REALLY want from you. Yes it’s a lot to ask for. But so is the fact that we will bear your children and remember your mom’s birthday even though we can’t stand her?


Peace, Love, and Oreos!


Sincerely,

Jaded and Faded

Why I hate women {Sober Blogging Part 1 }

Well since I let my anger and aggression loose on the MEN a few weeks ago...

**Thank sweet baby Jesus that is all gone and I no longer want to throw you all into the ocean like Rose does to Jack in Titanic...what a HEARTLESS bitch she was...especially the part where she threw the super expensive blue diamond in the ocean...ARE YOU INSANE LADY!?

I'll never let go, my ass Rose!

I thought I would appease one of my angry commenters (He/She seemed to be quite observant that I am incredibly bitter..did we NOT already establish that from EACH and every one of my blogs?) But anywho, I wanted to be FAIR...despite the fact that LIFE truly isn't and no one can seem to get a grip on that teeny tiny little fact.

So here it is...why my own gender drives me bat shit crazy...and guess what I will even admit that I am guilty of a lot of this shit too...cause you see unlike most men as a women I don't mind admitting when I am wrong.




1. We never SHUT the eff UP- No seriously. This blog can totally attest to that. I ramble on and on about my own biased opinions. Really, what do we always have to talk about? Most of the time it's nothing. Some of my conversations with my girlfriends consist of " SERIOUSLY? WHAT IS HIS DEAL?".."That is SO retarded..."..."More wine?".."Wait, did that JUST happen." We don't really make much sense. Throw in a few "It's whatevers".."Totes".. "Defs" and you've summed up about 5 of my last conversations with women. We are SO intellectual sometimes.

2. We get mad about stupid shit- I hate it when men leave the toilet seat up. That royally ticks me off and yes I know it is so small and so stupid! When men do not understand the laws of text messaging yup, that's annoying too. When you eat my super long curly fry I was saving for my last bite...that happened 9 years ago and if you bring it up today I will turn red with fury. When you check out another girl even though were the one you take home every night (to be honest, I don't care about this..but A LOT of girls do), when you think 'k' is an appropriate response to our well thought messages, when you forget to pick something up at the store we could have just as easily picked up that day, when you don't understand the underlying meaning to every word, look, and emotion we express. GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!

3.We blame all men for one man's poor decisions- That saying, "Hell hath no fury like a women scorned" is so true. One man's dumb decision to cheat on us, tell us they think we have an eating problem (no lie this actually happened to me), completely stop talking to us after sex, inviting us out for drinks with your ex-girlfriend, throw us off a porch, push us in the street on our birthday, scream unkind names at us, sleep with our best friend, lie about where you are...need I go on?

Anyway, it sucks for your 5% of 'nice' guys out there. Speaking of...where the FUCK are you? You really do not reap the benefit of the doubt in any of these situations. I kind of feel bad...oh wait, I don't have feelings. No I don't.

epic.

4. So many of you can't cook- How do you expect to find a gentleman caller if you can't make Pot Roast!? Why would any man want to marry you if you can't feed him! He is the hunter and you are the gatherer. So gather your cookbooks and your ingredients and get in the kitchen. Learn how to properly cook chicken three different ways, experiment with different vegetables, throw some alcohol into your cooking (it makes everything better)! Just get to work ladies. This isn't just about men either (though they probably think it is) being able to make something from scratch is a skill. Being able to feed yourself without depending on processed junk should be a necessary requirement for everyone.

5. You squeeze yourselves into super small itty bitty outfits and freeze your ass off in hopes you will find someone to love you- Freshman year of college I was completely guilty of this. I remember freezing my ass off on Halloween in a teeny tiny elf costume while running up Main Street holding some random boys hand who was kind enough to give me his sweatshirt for the super chilly dash back to the dorm. And by kind enough I mean he wanted to get in my non-existant pants that evening. Anyway, showing all that skin and dying of frostbite doesn't make someone want to be with you mentally and emotionally. Just physically. So keep that in mind the next chilly winter evening when you are putting on your $5.00 forever 21 mini skirt and see-through lace belly shirt.

See everyone, even I am an idiot.

The best part is I am not done. There are 6 more lovely reasons as to why I dislike women. But I have a drinking date with my sister so that trumps finishing this blog.

Smell ya latah bitches.

How to Date: A helpful guide for ALL

As I sit here with swollen tonsils, 2 day unwashed hair, in my pajamas, with my blankey, underneath my covers charging on demand movies to my dad's account.. I feel the need to give out some wisdom and guidance to the people of the world. I sit here thinking who the fuck is my target audience? Is it the dating challenged, is the dim-witted men I hate on so much, is it the over-zealous/batshit crazy women, the boring married couples, those who are just 'hooking up"?
(By the way look for a blog on the mysteries and ambiguities of hooking up quite soon!)

Well lucky for everyone I truly believe it is ALL of you. I mean you might be hooking up with someone but that doesn't mean you can't go on a date with someone else! Cause obviously hooking up has no clear boundries or guidelines and no one is going to have a conversation about "the rules" of seemingly random fondling. Right? Good, ok!

So I the self-proclaimed relationship expert (STOP LAUGHING) I am going to take a 'whack' at it. Despite the fact I just want to take a 'whack' at most men's heads. BOTH of them. Think about it.

Step One: You meet someone you are interested in...Don't just think "Oh wow, that person is awesome, I'd like to touch them innapropriately or you know consume food with them in a date-like setting" to yourself. APPROACH THEM. Find some clever way to get their number! Woo them with your awesomeness.

 Not so Clever Tricks- 
"Wait, why don't you have my number!?" ((grabs phone and enters))

"Oh my god, I love football! (No I don't...) my friends and I watch the game at "INSERT BAR NAME HERE" all the time.. you should come sometime...here's my number!"

Or just pull a me and get drunk and put your number in their phone and walk away.

The super shy like to send a Facebook message... (This is good because if the person doesn't respond you are not openly shut-down and your ego suffers the least amount of bruising.)


Step Two: This one is a little difficult for men to grasp. Unless the girl is a total skank-a-mangus you HAVE to commuicate a little. This for me is the real tester. Not too may men can keep up a conversation with me. I really dislike boring. If you want to talk about the weather or your new ipad that's fucking great but find someone else who cares. My conversations are littered with over-whelming amounts of sarcasm, quoting Will Ferrell movies, sexual inuendos, and my clumsy escapades. This isn't for everyone. Find someone who can understand your absurdities.

So basically if the conversation ain't flowin' people...it's probably not going to work. So either "hook up" with them (if they are mind numbingly hot only) or simply let them know you aren't interested in the most mature way possible...by not responding or using one worded answers via text message!

So either you've ended this infatuation at Step Two or you verdantly or inadvertently moving into Step Three...

Step Three: Hanging Out
(OH MY GOD, what do I wear, should I shave my legs, are we going to kiss!?) - Girls
(Don't forget to look at her face and not her tits, what if I run out of shit to say...what can I do to impress her?) -Guys

Either way gentleman, you better fucking tell us we look pretty.

Two Options-
1. Hanging out in a group- This is smart. It's casual. Can they hang with your friends or do they sit there with their arms crossed giving the stank face all night? If so please revert to no longer responding to them as mentioned in step two. If they can't pass the friend test then you two will be forced to hangout alone all the time...anger and resentment will ensue and you will end up in a "RELATIONSHIT". Just trust me on this one...okay?

2. Consuming food together, a movie, or some sort of fun sport.- This is cute. I love judging first 'daters' when I am out on a "seemingly lesbian" date with one of my girl friends where I make the server feel very uncomfortable with my awkward accidental lesbain comments.

First daters are so cute. Usually he opens the door for her. If you're me..I like to throw them for a loop and open the door for them. Why, because awkward is my middle name. Duh. But anywho, they try not to look at their cell phones, he smiles, she smiles... the whole time you're praying there isn't anything stuck in your teeth. If one of them goes to the bathroom you worry that they may have slipped out the back and run away because being in public with you is embarrassing and unbearable.  Hopefully there is some good conversation, you learn a little more about each other, and either you realize they are in the "friend zone" or you want to jump their bones.

Then the bill comes and if you're a girl you casually reach toward your bag ever so slowly to get your wallet waiting for them to say, "I have it, put that away". Whew, "jackass" test passed.

What do you do after this? If you had fun...then fucking tell them..that night, phone call, text, facebook post WHATEVER. If you didn't enjoy yourself then use your words... something a little nicer than "You eat like a savage beast, I hate your taste in music, and your strange interest in arachnids creeps me out" is probably perfect.

Step Four: Let's talk about sex.
I mean, if they've passed these tests there's got to be some sort of attraction there...if there isn't you are leading this person on. Do not do this. That's STUPID. Now you just have to figure out if it works.  If this person has hung out with you for a significant amount of time now then they probably want you to kiss them. So just suck it up and do it. I for some reason am ALWAYS the first to kiss the guy. No joke. Maybe I'm too impatient. Maybe it's because I like to wear the pants and I have control issues... oh well.  One of you just fucking do it. Cause the sexual tension is killing you...both.

 

Why doesn't this shit ever happen to me?!

Now here it is, are they a good kisser? Do you like kissing them...do you want the kissing to extend to something more than just kissing? If so...I hope you know what to do And I hope you aren't making out with Tim Tebow because that is a waste of time. He loves Jesus more than he could ever love you.

So there you go...now you have locked lips and shit. What is next


Step Five:  This is my least favorite step. Up until now it's been all sunshine and rainbows...flirting, cute text messages, yummy meals, and not Tim Tebow time...you have two options here my friends. 


Run FAR AWAY! Run far because if you continue to repeat step 1-4 you might find yourself dating someone or even worse IN A RELATIONSHIP. You know what happens in these cases? You develop feelings. I have no idea what those are but I have heard they can be very dangerous and cause your heart to go BOOM BOOM POW whenever that person is around. That sounds AWFUL. So my advice...DON'T FUGGIN DO IT!



Or admit you are a slave to your emotions and a complete and utter idiot by continuing with steps 1-4...waiting for one of you to fuck up the 'good' thing you think you have going. Which trust me, one of you will.

Anywho, I hope you all enjoy the crazy world of dating. I think I am just going to stay in my pjs and watch some Grey's Anatomy...might switch up my drink of choice with some Bailey's on the rocks tonight..it's like an adult milkshake!

Remember, when the going gets tough...the tough run to the bar for tequila.

xo Teen

Coming Home: The people you want to see and those well yeah..

You know what I'm talking about. It's break (Thanksgiving, Christmas..pick any holiday)...you're finally 21 and you get to go to your towns local 'hot' spots to grab drinks with your friends. You inevitably run into every person you went to high school with and then some. 

My friend came up to me after the third night looked me in the eye and said "I can't do this anymore, I cannot have the same conversation with another person one more time."

Let me explain:
GIRLS
"Hiiiiii how areeeee you you looook soo great!" (embrace with hug)
"Where are you going to school again...oh nice what's your major!" (Half the shit you already know from facebook)
 "Are you still with what's his face?"
"No we don't speak that cheating bastards his name." (cue in awkward moment)
"Have you seen (insert mutual friend name here)? "
"You haven't well they are around here somewhere!"
"Oh wow that's awesome!"
"Yeah I love coors light too!"
 "Youuuu look so great did you lose weight?"

 GUYS
"Hey man how's it going dude" (strange man embrace with some handshake, man hug, pound-it  thingy I can't do)
"Yeah I have seen you in a minute"
"Just hanging out finishing up school, still playing hockey"
"Haha yeah been checkin' into the woodshed quite a bit with a couple of different bitties"
"Did you see what's her face"
"Yeah man did her tits get bigger or what?"

Then it's...

That girl who was too cool for you in high school suddenly says Hi or that guy you had a crush on as a freshman in high school buys you a drink and drunkenly starts hitting on you.

There are the people you would rather not see, the people you're indifferent about, and there's the few people who you run up to and leap into their arms of pure excitement. (Oh I'm sorry that's how I greet people I truly adore, maybe some of you still go for the hug but I prefer a dramatic scene similar to when Baby jumps into Patrick Swayzees (RIP) arms in Dirty Dancing.)

Unfortunately, I've never been able to FULLY execute this.

So you have your reunions, you smile deviously at that cute guy you want to make out with (what, no I've never done that!), you buy people you barely know shots, and at the end of the night you're a little exhausted from all of it. So many people stuffed into about 2.5 hours of loud music and overpriced drinks. There's the bumpin' and grindin, exchanging of numbers (most you will never use), and running around like a drunken idiot. Lets be honest, you wouldn't see 85% of these people if you weren't at this hole in the wall bar.

What I'm trying to say is we can't blame ourselves or anyone. Life happens. We grow up and we change. We all go off on our ways becoming strange little adults adventuring off on our own. We forget to keep in touch with each other. But every once in a while we get our shit together and we make it happen.

 I learned that drinking 3 bottles of wine and eating massive amounts of pizza while reconnecting with my loud, crazy, friends is extremely more gratifying than standing in a crowded bar screaming to have a conversation. That late night trips to Burger King and car dancing like a nut job builds a better friendship than lifeless conversations with captain and cokes at the bar.

Somewhere along the line home changes. It's not the place you sleep anymore. It's that friend who knows your favorite candy and buys it for you just because, the person who helps you wash the dishes after a party, or backs your ass up even when you're blatantly wrong. They don't question it they just do. Those are the people you want in your life. Those are the people you would tackle to the dirty bar floor in embracing in a giant bear hug of love, affection, and potentially and STD or two if you're at the HOASIS.

So there it is. I do kind of sort of in my own twisted dysfunctional way...have a heart.



Now go fuck yourself.

Hookups: In retrospect

My thoughts on hookups have changed darastically since freshman year of college. Here's a nice little story.

I believe a lot of college students begin this transformation sometime near the end of their sophomore year and beginning of their junior. At 18 new to the 'being on your own thing' (aka living in a dorm with a bunch of people your age, getting money from mom and dad every month and having a meal plan.) We were like hungry children in the candy store. Anything and everything was acceptable. We didn't much care what kind of candy it was just as long as it tasted good. So we picked our treats and woke up the next morning as they scampered on out.

Soon enough that feeling would come. Well, there are three 'feelings'. The sugar high would kick and you would find yourself crashing. You're left with a nasty headache from your over-indulgence and potentially the regret of too much sugar. Or perhaps you realize that the candy isn't that great and your instantly over it's brief endorphin rush. Sometimes, the candy becomes an addiction. Something you fiend for, a daily fix. But lets remember that's just what it is. You're 'fix'. That tasty treat you purchase in the bakery and devour in your car; disposing of the bag before anyone can see, is just dessert.

Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with sampling a nice chocolate ganache but just remember that you deserve your main entree. Don't forget that somewhere out there you have a slow braised osso bucco over risotto waiting for you. Dessert may be your weakness from time to time but the main entree, that's what fills you up. Remember that.


A Retrospective Dose of Teen

The Toast

So my mom got married yesterday evening, I know some of you take pride in the fact that I normally am a heartless bitch making fun of the inner workings of my crappy relationships or hating on men. Deep down, I may even be serious!


Since I was the maid of honor at my mother's wedding I had to dig down deep in my tiny grinch heart to come up with the proper words to describe her and her new husbands love for one another. (Happy people, gagging noises ensue)



The Toast:
When I was growing up my mom was the person who nagged at you repeatedly to put on an ironed shirt and pair of jeans before leaving the house. Once I was grown up she reminded me not to drink too many beers out at night with my friends. In Rick and I’s case both these things still happen.
Since Wendy brought me into this world I have no choice but to listen to her. However, Rick does not. But that's the kind of guy Rick is, he figured something out in two years what it took me 17 years to figure out. That my mother is always right and without her in our lives we would be drunk and wrinkly.


I am so lucky to have a mother that is not only my caretaker but my best friend. She taught me that patience, kindness, and responsibility are some of the most important virtues a person can possess. This is why I am not surprised that she chose to marry a man that possess’ all of these qualities. Any man that lets three 21 year old girls invade his home, take his SUV to Orlando, tries all of my culinary creations, and makes the bed every morning is not someone you pass up.


What I’m trying to say is all we really want is someone who accepts us for our obsessive cleaning habits or preference for over-cooked meat. Someone who loves us no matter what. Someone who will kiss our seven heads at night telling us everything will be okay. I am so happy that my mom and Rick have found that in each other.
I wish you a lifetime of happiness, cheers!




Okay, so maybe I'm not heartless after all. But at least I'm still a bitch.


A Wedding Dose of Teen

How to Survive a Breakup: The Clean Version

Now as the residential "Queen" of breakups, (yes I just gave myself the name, if you want to fight me on it well go ahead, I'll just break our friendship.) No, I am not proud of my tumultuous year in relationship land, no one wishes for confusion, heartache, and the loss of their best friend! But hey! Life happens. So I am going to give everyone some advice that you most likely will not follow during your first breakup, but after your second...maybe even your third (depending on how slow of a learner you are) you might just understand what I am saying.

1. Go spend some money
Whats your guilty pleasure? Is it shoes? A pedicure? Video Games? New speakers? Just buy something that you've wanted for quite some time. The whole process is excellent because you're so excited about this new thing and picking out the best, most fitting new thing that you completely forget how sad, pissed off, and hurt you are. That new shirt makes you smile or those new headphones actually play music out of both ears. Some people say that material things do not buy happiness but I really think they can help relieve that feeling, you know the one where you feel like your entire chest is going to cave in.

2. Realize that the one person you are going to want through this entire process is now GONE
This is very hard to accept. You want to tell them all your good news and even the stupid shit like how you stubbed your toe on the door frame. Well, text your mom. Text your sister. Text that random kid to whom gave you his number last weekend. Pretend to have a fake conversation with the bum who walked out on you. By now you know them well enough to know what their response would be. So what if you think it's crazy. Whatever keeps you from talking to the person who is causing you the pain is worth it. BECAUSE ladies and gentleman, talking to them I REPEAT talking to your ex will only make the pain worse. At any time during the healing process. I PROMISE.

3. DO not DRINK until at least 1 week after the initial breakup
Everyone is going to think I'm crazy. But hey I'm pretty sure feeling like your brain is leaking through your ears via the massive migraine you will have the next morning as well as wondering that the hell or who the hell you did the night before is not something you want to feel when heartbroken. Why is beer going to fill the void if chocolate icecream can't? Why is making out with a stranger going to help?Why is slutting up the town going to make your heart hurt less? Just stop. Think for a moment because clearly you're not thinking properly since you just had your feelings put into a blender and turned into a heartbreak hell smoothie.


4. CRY
Gentleman, I'll give you some advice so you don't feel like a pansy since we all know that men don't cry and you have no feelings. Just cry in the shower. Or in the late hours of the night when all your roommates are sleeping and they won't hear your sniffles. While crying profusely will just make you puffy,stuffy, and sleepy a little moment here or there will not kill you. Holding all of that in will just make you explode.

5. FOCUS on something you really love.
Whenever I'm having a rough day I end up cooking. The familiarity of making one of my recipes really calms me down. So just figure out what you love (if you are thinking beer and getting drunk see #3. and come up with a new answer)

6. Get a buddy or five
Just surround yourself with people. Make jokes about your situation. Be crazy. You just lost something important. You're aloud be obnoxious and have too much fun.

7. Do not try to find someone new
It's just weird and awkward. Eventually you will find someone...I think. But actually "trying" to find them will never work. Eventually someone will surprise you and fall into your life.


8. Forgive yourself
Stop wondering, "What if". Stop placing the blame on each other. What's that going to do? You already feel crappy. If you learn to forgive yourself for the stupid mistakes and being an idiot then it makes you a whole lot less angry.

9. Do not trash talk
It's beyond strange to me that someone who swore they loved you and cared about you so much can say ridiculous things. Just cause you are broken up with someone doesn't mean it's a free for all on them. No amount of degrading comments and insults are going to make you feel like you've won. HINT: it's not a competition. Inevitably you will regret being awful and feel pretty shitty too.

10.  Get yourself out of the house and out exploring
I'm picking up yoga! Also, I met Kenny Chesney. I also got into a fight with 250lb man for a guitar pick (and won!!!!). After the one week waiting period I had a little too much beer.

Just remember to smile and laugh...and maybe cry a little!

<3 A Dose of Advice from Teen

Morning Thoughts...Southern Style

For the past 2 years I have had the luxury of being able to take 2-3 weeks off every year for Christmas and been able to fly away from the snow (which actually makes me sad) and spend my holidays with my relatives from my mom's side of the family and most importantly my mom :0)! 

I googled "New England Girl" this definitely looks like me.

However as a New England girl through and through, I tend to find the actions, words, lives, any goings ons whatsoever of people down here unique, strange, and LOVE to trash talk provide constructive criticism...

1.) My number one thought every single freakin' time I come down here is "People are so damn slow". I don't know if it's the weather, the margaritas, or all the gosh darn old people, but cheese and rice can "y'all" pick up the pace. Whether I'm buying groceries, walking down the street, or talking to someone there is never a sense of urgency. It took a man 45 minutes to buy a pair of earring's yesterday. SERIOUSLY? That would take me 20 seconds.

2.) I caught the tail end of a radio advertisement that informed me, "Tis the season to be smurfy" 

Yes as in the smurfs. I guess I'm gonna have get my smurf on later today or something..

3.) This is the Christmas song I heard driving in the car this morning.

4.). There is a street known as "Kestor Dr." which makes me think of Keestors (aka BUMS)

Which in turn makes me think of this:

5.) Sign out front of a design store called Castro's, "Keep Christ in Christmas!" 

Thoughts... soon enough they are going to be telling me, "Keep CHRIST in CHRISTina!" (for those of you who only know me as Teen..my real name is Christina) Lets make note of the fact that I think Christ has been out of most people's Christmas holiday for a while. A holiday where we max out our credit cards to keep up with the Jones' and eat so much we have to unbutton our pants..Doesn't scream Jesus to me. But I get it South, I took a moment and let Christ into my heart then I found out about a bank robbery/high speed chase/shootout (which left one dead, another in critical condition) that happened a half a mile down the road from your location and really wished that they had read your sign before as well. Or maybe they were Jewish, read your sign and decided to rob a bank because they don't even celebrate CHRISTmas.

Anyways I just want to remind you all to keep some love, patience, sincerity, and kindness in whatever holiday you celebrate this season. ( Let's not forget life in general)

Love your family and friends.

Be patient with them as well (and strangers in those long lines at the store remember they are doing the same last minute shopping as you too!)

Be sincere about the love and kindness you give.

And practice random acts of kindness wherever you go. 

My friend Lagios and I were once eating some yummy food in the old port a couple of years ago and he gave his unfinished meal to a homeless man walking by. Lag is not usually a serious dude and often tested my patience, but he made up for every moment I wanted to strangle him in that one small and seriously awesome act of generosity and kindness.

6.) And watch this video too pwease.

Merry Whatever and Happy Whatchamacallit!

Your random and all over the place 

Dose of Teen <3

Pro's and Cons of being single during the holidays

PRO: You save anywhere from $50-500 dollars. Depending how intense your relationship is, gifts for family, going out to dinner, gas, presents, wrapping paper etc.

CON: EVERYONE you know suddenly starts getting a boyfriend (even the 10 year old searching for gifts in the rite aid Christmas isle). Not to mention engagements are super popular around this time of year. GAG.

PRO: You don't have to "hide" your dissapointment or act excited when you get a shitty Christmas present when you gave ALL of the hints in the world of the things that you wanted.

CON: It's difficult to find a pal to drag along to holiday fairs, movies, Christmas shopping, someone to get drunk off spiked egg nog with because they're too busy having fun with their significant others...

PRO: No single person likes a happy couple during the holidays. So inadvertantly you're helping to make other single people have a much easier day.

CON: Those extra pounds you pack on during the holidays are a lot lonelier when you can't be "the cute chubby couple". Instead you're just fat and single.

PRO: Your family feels bad and buys you more gifts!

WORST CON EVER: Sleeping alone during the holidays. It's really cold outside and not having someone to snuggle close with, rub your cold feet up against, and watch crappy old Christmas movies on  cold, snowy, winter nights is so not "the tits". In fact its pure torture.

Try to enjoy your holidays single folks!

A single dose of Teen

The first fart

For those of you who think that girls do not fart or poop...or do anything besides emit pixie dust and perfume auroras

first of all don't read this, second of all..go fuck yourself. (Sorry, but C'MON!)

I'm going to tell you a story...

So I first started dating this guy after 2 years of sisterly solitude and it's great! I'm sneaking out at night, lying to my family about where I'm going, making new friends, frolicking around with this pretty cool fellow. I feel soo comfortable around him that I even get up and grab a glass of water without permission in his house! ROAR We're seriously makin' moves here. We do that whole "couples hang out" thing where there's a wing man and a wing woman, there's some awkward moments, meeting of parents ( not mine cause Italian families are crazy!) We snuggle on the couch and pretend to watch movies while we make out in his bedroom upstairs OMG, this blog just went PG-13. So one night..about two weeks into this whole mess, I'm exhausted from working a double and fading in and out of consciousness with my legs draped over him on the couch. Of course one of his buddies is over ( we can't hangout alone all the time, we have to pretend we actually care about other people first) and they're shooting the shit watching Trailer Park Boys or something. Anyways, I'm just so freaken' cozy its unbelievable...and then it happened. I farted. It wasn't very loud..but it woke me from my mild slumber. The guys went silent. "Did she just fart?" his friend asked.. "He nudges me, " Did you just fart?"... and I respond all nonchalant like I actually meant to emit gas from my ass, "uhh yeah, so what!" and go right back to sleep. Of course because I was so cool, calm, and collected they just accepted it and continued talking about beer or boobs.  I eventually admitted that it was an accident and my entire relationship fell apart and died. BOOM.

THE END.


A gassy dose of Teen

Venty McVenterson

So lately I've been trying really hard to be a good person. Now generally I'm well behaved, but like everyone I do have my moments ( shocker, I'm not perfect). Let me let you guys in on a little secret. SOME people will make this very hard. You will want to go down that really common path of destruction that makes you feel like you're achieving something by making others feel worse than you. 

Now think about what I just said, you are making other people feel bad. Does that actually make you feel good inside? Does that actually fulfill you as a person? Will this help you feel better about yourself?

I can't answer yes to any of these questions. I hope you can't either.

A serious dose of Teen

Just when you think...

Just when you think you can put something behind you
...they give you a cold.

Sometimes letting go of something is a lot more difficult than you think it is. In my case I know it's difficult. I prepare mentally, I busy myself physically, my days are full, I know how to let go. A friend equally as much of a disaster as me or potentially a little more told me that "I am her own personal buddha". I want a personal buddha. A little chubby Asian prophet to tell me all the right things to say or do. Give me some guidance and make me a little less crazy.  Instead I turn to Veronica Mars season three. Pretty epic. That cute little cuddly friend of mine explained why it was so difficult to simply just leave something be. "Having someone" Is the response. Having someone around. That's the difficult part. Well that's not the difficult part for me. I'm never around. Yes it's great to have someone around but those little perks have been long gone for me. The shitty part for me is when your best friend checks out on you. Not once but twice. When you're ready to make things work. When you've given them 2 weeks of space and freedom and they decide they want you back. Mixed signals eh? Well at least I have this gross snotty, cold infestation to keep me warm at night.

If I had any clue what I was doing with my life I would have a name for this blog

I have about 9,000 things on my mind right about now. My heart is going 90 miles a minute, I'm shaking, I'm in tears about every five minutes. Oh yeah and the girl in the pink shirt next to me keeps moving further away. She thinks I'm nuts.
Well I may have just done the most stupidest thing, well the second most stupidest thing. I keep hurting the person I love. I think that I have to let him go to realize how much I love him. When you find someone who will sacrifice anything for you, who takes buses, goes to college, and makes all his decisions around you, that should be it, right? No questions just answers. This is the person who makes my life better who wants nothing but the best for me. I want nothing but the best for him. After 6 long months of bickering I felt weathered, exhausted, lost, and confused. Why did I keep it all in? Why did I let it go? I feel like I lost my voice along the way, I kept punishing myself for the better decisions I should have made, the things I should have said. I told him I love him and I took it back. He made me feel everything, I was crazy, everything I do reminds me of him. He was willing to fight for us and I just rolled over and gave up? I'm not a quitter. I don't do that, I don't quit on people. I made a promise and I didn't keep it. What kind of person does that? I can't keep letting my own fears get in my way. I'm on my way to Maine.