It's V-Day not D-Day

So I bet everyone is expecting a super angry man bashing post where I’m obsessively drinking my wine with my sweatpants up to my sports bra while wearing an over-sized t shirt crying into a tub of Ben and Jerry. Well first of all I would never cry into a tub of Ben and Jerry because that would ruin the delicious taste of the ice-cream.

Long hair, don't care.

Secondly, I’m actually allergic to dairy products (which in all honesty doesn’t stop me). Well, being the stubborn bitter bitch I am, I abso-FUCKING-lutely refuse to be the stereo-typical single betch on Valentine’s Day. So Valentine’s Day isn’t your favorite holiday...who gives a fuck? So your single? Oh boohoo.

I’ve got far bigger fish to fry than to sit around moping about how no one care about me enough to take me out to dinner, buy me roses, and expects me to go home and sleep with them in some over priced lingerie.  HOW ORIGINAL.

Plus there are a lot of people out there who really do care about you. So what if it’s your mom. That lady gave birth to you. She picked you up when you fell off your bike and made sure you had new clothes every school year. That’s far better than some lame Russell Stovers chocolate that you take one bite out of and casually spit it out because it taste like cough syrup.

So much cuter than that photo of you and your boyfriend making out.

Oh and your friends. The kind of people who text dumb boys calling them “douches” for you or buy you “BEST FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS” Valentines day cards. MAYBE they even send you an entire POUND of chocolate in the mail..if you're lucky!

So they can’t feel you up or put their tongue in your mouth (well, depending on who your friends are). But they do know all your strange habits, amazing talents, and every dumb decision you made last weekend. Even better, they love you anyway. I think that kind of love and support is a bit more deep and meaningful than some over-priced dinner with someone who probably pisses you off more than they make you happy.

Yes, I am getting a lap dance from Tommy Thundah.

Your pet also cares about you. Granted they have no choice because you provide the food, water, and belly rubs. Sometimes I prefer to snuggle with my blind dog, who barely recognized me, and wets himself over a guy because he’s been in my life for 16 years WHICH  is far longer than any romantic relationship I will ever have...and he probably isn’t going to make it to 17. Must cherish his snoring and obsessive barking. He also used to out-run me and ALWAYS be wherever I was walking when I was little inevitably tripping me while I had a drink in my hand causing me to go ass over tea kettle while chocolate milk rained down on me. Those are precious memories.

WHAT a handsome little devil.

Being alone isn’t all that awful. Sometimes there’s nothing better than to take up the entire bed while praying you dream about Ryan Goslings perfectly chiseled body....on yours. Or for the guys who actually read this blog Adrianna Lima...(god is there anything wrong with that girl?)



Happy Valentine's Day and Stuff.

A Big Heartfelt Birthday Thank You

I am going to regret being nice...I just know it.


Those of you who know me understand that I have a hard time expressing my emotions. Well not anger, hatred, and surly behavior but the nice ones. In the spirit of my birthday I wanted to take a moment out of my evil thoughts to thank everyone who helped to make my birthday (fake birthday and real) a super happy go lucky, dance in my tiara, fall to the pavement, eat lots of red velvet cake, drink galore, super-exciting and overwhelmingly amazing experience.

That's me..making a heart with my hands...or trying at least.

This past year was insanely difficult for me. I experienced heartbreak (you all wonder what made me so terribly pissed off at men), mentally and physically demanding college courses, loss of a family member as well as a friend, a demanding work schedule, and some incredibly shitty hangovers...

(In which I actually prayed to God ((any and all religious figures actually)) that if they were to just end my hangover that INSTANT I would forever be a devout follower of them and NEVER take another sip of the pukey punch of booze again) Don't act like you haven't done that either. You're all guilty.

Anyway, for a while there I was REALLY freakin' lost. Why do shitty things keep happening? What is wrong with this world? Will I ever get a chance to come up for air? I felt like I was constantly being smacked in the back of the head and tackled into the water by ginormous waves. Sometimes it's hard to admit too. I was stubborn. I didn't want to admit that I was literally barely making it up for air.

I think I was somewhere about 2/3 of a way down a skinny girl margarita this August when I felt another wave coming. If any of you know me I'm not really the type of person who lets the ocean of life consume her. I'm a little to busy kicking it right smack in the balls with my stilettos. So guess what!? I decided to finally fight back. Which, I am going to encourage anybody who might find themselves in this position to do. Stand up, look that fucking wave right in the eye and don't let it take you down. Smile at the wave, make friends with those next to you being beaten by the ocean as well. Lean on some shoulders for support, kiss a couple of fishies that happen to philander on by, hell hop on a boat and laugh in the face of the wave.

Shitty things happen to everyone. Life's a bitch, be a bigger, better, stronger one.

Once I started to do this it became a lot more clear to me that the amazing people, opportunities, and education I have been given out-weighed these incredibly crazy and unkind things that kept happening.

That even if bad things continue to happen I had this lovely little support system of people. People who make me laugh, who snuggle like champions, who pour me another glass of wine, who hug like they mean it, who appreciate a good Bruins win, who do things without asking for anything in return, who can carry on a conversation of purely sexual innuendos, those who work hard for the things they have and appreciate them as well. Those people... family and friends really helped me to beat the living daylight out of those infuriating waves.

Ugh, kicking ass is SO exhausting.

So thank you...to everyone. SERIOUSLY. After I write this I am going to completely black it out and claim I never said any of this.


Special thanks go out to my mom (WENDEL), dad (cupcake), my brother, sister-in-law, Little Rocco, Stephanie Masters, Molly O'Brion, Tom Biskup, Chelsea Leishman, Emily Ballard, Anna Lyke, Aaron Harvey, and every guy I've kissed since...July (wait, boys kiss bitter, evil bitches)?!


Lots of Love (just this once),
Teen

Coming Home: The people you want to see and those well yeah..

You know what I'm talking about. It's break (Thanksgiving, Christmas..pick any holiday)...you're finally 21 and you get to go to your towns local 'hot' spots to grab drinks with your friends. You inevitably run into every person you went to high school with and then some. 

My friend came up to me after the third night looked me in the eye and said "I can't do this anymore, I cannot have the same conversation with another person one more time."

Let me explain:
GIRLS
"Hiiiiii how areeeee you you looook soo great!" (embrace with hug)
"Where are you going to school again...oh nice what's your major!" (Half the shit you already know from facebook)
 "Are you still with what's his face?"
"No we don't speak that cheating bastards his name." (cue in awkward moment)
"Have you seen (insert mutual friend name here)? "
"You haven't well they are around here somewhere!"
"Oh wow that's awesome!"
"Yeah I love coors light too!"
 "Youuuu look so great did you lose weight?"

 GUYS
"Hey man how's it going dude" (strange man embrace with some handshake, man hug, pound-it  thingy I can't do)
"Yeah I have seen you in a minute"
"Just hanging out finishing up school, still playing hockey"
"Haha yeah been checkin' into the woodshed quite a bit with a couple of different bitties"
"Did you see what's her face"
"Yeah man did her tits get bigger or what?"

Then it's...

That girl who was too cool for you in high school suddenly says Hi or that guy you had a crush on as a freshman in high school buys you a drink and drunkenly starts hitting on you.

There are the people you would rather not see, the people you're indifferent about, and there's the few people who you run up to and leap into their arms of pure excitement. (Oh I'm sorry that's how I greet people I truly adore, maybe some of you still go for the hug but I prefer a dramatic scene similar to when Baby jumps into Patrick Swayzees (RIP) arms in Dirty Dancing.)

Unfortunately, I've never been able to FULLY execute this.

So you have your reunions, you smile deviously at that cute guy you want to make out with (what, no I've never done that!), you buy people you barely know shots, and at the end of the night you're a little exhausted from all of it. So many people stuffed into about 2.5 hours of loud music and overpriced drinks. There's the bumpin' and grindin, exchanging of numbers (most you will never use), and running around like a drunken idiot. Lets be honest, you wouldn't see 85% of these people if you weren't at this hole in the wall bar.

What I'm trying to say is we can't blame ourselves or anyone. Life happens. We grow up and we change. We all go off on our ways becoming strange little adults adventuring off on our own. We forget to keep in touch with each other. But every once in a while we get our shit together and we make it happen.

 I learned that drinking 3 bottles of wine and eating massive amounts of pizza while reconnecting with my loud, crazy, friends is extremely more gratifying than standing in a crowded bar screaming to have a conversation. That late night trips to Burger King and car dancing like a nut job builds a better friendship than lifeless conversations with captain and cokes at the bar.

Somewhere along the line home changes. It's not the place you sleep anymore. It's that friend who knows your favorite candy and buys it for you just because, the person who helps you wash the dishes after a party, or backs your ass up even when you're blatantly wrong. They don't question it they just do. Those are the people you want in your life. Those are the people you would tackle to the dirty bar floor in embracing in a giant bear hug of love, affection, and potentially and STD or two if you're at the HOASIS.

So there it is. I do kind of sort of in my own twisted dysfunctional way...have a heart.



Now go fuck yourself.

The Bitter Bitch Gives Thanks

It's that time of year again...where we all sit around the dinner table and tell people what un-selfish and non-superficial things in life we are thankful for. Because heaven forbid if we did that EVERY day.


So here it goes, a heartfelt thank you from the bottom of my heart...(yeah right.)

Wine: Where would I be without fermented grapes? Sober ...less enthusiastic...hanging out alone in my sweatpants. Just kidding, I drink in my sweats all the time, while listening to Dashboard Confessional or watching some sappy Grey’s Anatomy episode where something bad happens to Meredith. Oh wait, that is EVERY episode. But really my Pinot Grigio and Cabernet Sauvignon have played a major part my life this semester. Helping me through the weekends..oh okay and most weekdays. Somehow after one glass of wine..or 4 the world doesn’t piss me off so much. The bitter bitch might even hug you or make a sincere comment.  I cannot say the same for Chardonnay. That girl is a slut and I hope she casually slips down a moutain, falls into a river, and dissapears into the cold abyss.

Stilettos, Wedges, Pumps etc: Thank you to the man who decided that a women squeezing her feet into a pair of shoes that make her feel like her entire foot is being suffocated by an anaconda was a good idea. Not only does it provide us with a weapon against creeps but these things make our legs look thinner and longer. These shoes have the power to turn a grown man in the liquor store into a child as you peruse for your Skinny Girl Cocktails. They turn a dull boring outfit into that of a sex kitten ready to pounce on her prey. The only downside is they make it just a little difficult to run away. You will feel like you’ve run 2 miles when in reality your only 10 feet away and your boyfriend is standing there staring at you waiting for you to get tired and limp back.

Kissing: You know when you have been having the absolute worst day? Like you stepped in dog poop, fell down the stairs, failed a quiz, swore in front of a baby, and you have a spaghetti sauce ring around your lips? Then this stupid person holds your face, looks you in the eyes, and kisses you. And that’s it. Your skin starts buzzing and you want to smile but then you would ruin the kiss. The world sort of just stops. In that one little moment your mind goes quiet and that fact that your shoes smell and you feel like an utter failure doesn’t matter. But let me warn you all if you kiss someone for too long that might lead to feelings. I strongly discourage this type of behavior as in my years of wisdom this leads to a relationship that is undoubtedly doomed. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Molly O’Brion: Sometimes I might want to push her off a very small cliff but if anyone so much as even looks at her the wrong way my fangs come out. I once glared at one of her boyfriends in the hallway at school and to this day he still looks a little scared of me. She is my longest relationship (16 years) and counting! I can’t help but love her because she is OBSESSED with writing neatly, she once smacked her face off of a brick wall, and her dance moves and music preferences are all out horrendous. She also used to wear shoes like the spice girls and run around the playground in super high pigtails.  She has this great ability to find humor in the darkest of times, which is when it is the most important. She also plans to devote her life to the education of our future children. If that doesn't make you love her then you can go fuck yourself.

Boys: Gentleman, you are all relatively useless. But I am going to be stuck with one of you for my entire life one day so I am determined to be thankful.
The tall ones of you who can help me reach the wine glasses on the top shelf, you are like a heroic angel from heaven with your long arms.
Those of you who come to my rescue when I cannot open the pickle jar for the life of me, I am deeply appreciative. I will however still maintain that I loosened the cap for you.
Boys who give me free beer because I smiled and kissed you on the cheek. First of all you’re a sucker, second of all THANK YOU for the beer.
I am honestly trying to think of more things to be thankful for from you guys but I’m drawing a blank.

My Super Dysfunctional Family: I’m Italian. My family talks with their hands, their version of quiet is your version of yelling. We love garlic, basil, and tomatoes and our hearts are too big. We adopt animals at alarming rates, hate each other one minute and love another the next, we dance on table tops, promise our children ponies, and we can talk shit about our family all we want but if you even so much as make a small comment we will attack you like a pack of blood thirsty piranhas. Why? Because these are the people who pickup the phone at 2am when your crying your eyes out. They show up at all of your lame birthdays and make sure you wear proper clothing in the winter. They know every scar, favorite song, and weird habit. You're stuck with them. Get used to it and start appreciating it.

I'm sorry but these are not sweatpants. What is wrong with the world?

 Sweatpants: There is no greater creation than the elastic waist. For someone who struggles to wear pants on a daily basis sweatpants help to ease my trouble. It is pure bliss after a long day to slide into my UNH size large sweats (I bought a size up for extra comfort, I’m not REALLY a size large, STOP JUDGING ME). Guess what else I do? If I’ve over-indulged on dinner I pull them up just above my belly button to contain myself. I would be embarrassed but the sheer comfort of this act outweighs my shame. Can't wait to slip into a pair of these after Thanksgiving dinner...

The Bruins: Is that a 6 game winning streak we are on? Somewhere around 36ish goals? Despite the fact Seguin thinks it’s okay to grow a mustache I am completely in love with all of you. I wish I could express happiness and empty wine bottles these wins have brought me. THANK YOU.

Mascara: Some mornings I wakeup and I look in the mirror and it’s a scary sight. My hair is doing something strange, my nose ring hurts, and there are little goey/crusty things in the corners of my eyes. I tenderly refer to them as Eye Snot. Very appealing I know. I no longer wonder why I do not have a boyfriend, trust me. But with a quick splash of water and a couple of layers of mascara (a few more if I end up poking myself in the eye with the wand and have to take a break to wimper from the pain) but after that suddenly I have a decent looking set of eyes without eye snot. Mascara you are a god. Keep up the good work.

Bad Songs: You know that overly dramatic song skyscraper by Demi Lovato? What the fuck is going on? Why is she so upset, she’s at the beach. Sit down in a lawn chair hunny, have a pina colada and forget about being a skyscraper. That’s your problem. Your spending too much time wishing you were an inanimate object. Jesus Christ shutup, sit down, put on your bikini and stop whining. Without this song however, I would have no reason to be thankful for all the great songs that actually have meaning or a good beat.



All in all, the moral of the story is no matter how big or small there is always something to be thankful for. You just have to open your eyes and find the good. (Wait, that exists?)

Thank You (seriously, I still can't believe people read my blog.)

The Bitter Bitch

Adventures with my Father

Now to those of you who know me understand that my dad and I have a very special relationship. We bond over chicken piccata, he collects spiders from the garage and leaves them on my bed, and we both own cowboy boots.

I am going to share some of our more interesting memories in which we experienced while being "roommates.

I had the pleasure of spending an entire summer living with my dad before my sophomore year of college. I learned that his snoring can be heard from the other side of the house with 3 different doors closed and that I should never leave underwear that says, "SHUTUP AND KISS ME" in the dryer where my he will find them. To be fair when I bought them I really had no idea they said that.

 My dad is known as "The  Aggravater" or "Cupcake". "Aggravater Dad" does things like chase me around the house with a spider trapped under glass and a piece of paper while I spray pledge at him until he corner's me and throws the spider at me as I shriek in fear of the eight legged beast. Nearly in tears as my dad is pissing himself laughing so hard he shows me that its just a fake spider drawn on the computer paper. What an asshole right?

Well later that evening I was sitting in the computer room when I can hear my father pawing through the kitchen. This is how he earned the nickname, "Cupcake". I instantly knew what he was looking for. His favorite lady in the whole world. 

Debbie, you're a trifalin hoe.

 LITTLE DEBBIE. Those of you who do not know me, I find the need to hide things people should not have. As a child I would stow my mom's cigarettes in various locations, I once hid an ex-boyfriends chain wallet from him in his own bedroom because it was hideious and I didn't want to be seen with a Jax Teller wannabe, and you bet I hide the Hostess/Little Debbie artery clogging confections from my father.

People just don't understand I am just trying to protect them. Anywho, I can hear dad hunting for his tasty treats, pour himself a tall glass of milk and make his way over to the computer room. 

"Chrisssssteeeeeeeena" he whines. 

"Where are the Little Debbies!?!?"

He sounds desperate. I can hear him inching closer. I'm smirking because he will never find them. That's when I heard it. The slip, the bang, the crashing of the cup to the floor. I stop in my tracks, stunned for a moment, worried that my dad is incapacitated and I am the only one who can save him.

I erupt from the chair to the doorway where I see my dad Shamu style on the floor clutching his hand.

Shamu Style

"Fuck" I thought, "His arm is broken". 

He looks up at me with tears in his eyes and cries out, " Myyyyyyyy pinnnnnkkkyyyy". All while clutching his hand in complete and utter pain. I couldn't believe it, my dad is not a small guy, he is relatively masculine, and he was sitting there in shambles over his pinky finger?

That's when I lost it. For a good 45 minutes I could not stifle my laughter. After cleaning up the spilled milk, getting him a band aid and cleaning his "wound" I was still hysterical.  He was getting angrier and angrier. He claims he fell where I had sprayed pledge at him that morning during the spider fiasco.  Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but I like to call that karma.

Sharing embarassing stories about my family members is only okay if I tell you about not so shining moments of mine. So some of you may know that I am a 'little bit' (being an understatement) of a country fan. My lovely father to whom I just spoke of bought me VIP tickets to go see Brad Paisley at Seacoast Country Fest (probably still feeling bad about tormenting me with bugs 2 years ago). 

Well my friend and I started drinking at 3pm...Unfortunately we never actually made it to our seats and I will never know what was in my "VIP gift bag". But I can tell you that my cell phone died at the end of the concert and I was left running back and forth around Scarborough downs searching for my dad who was picking up his "mature & sophisticated" 21 year old daughter. In this time I managed to give my number to a hot guy when I was supposed to be finding my dad, stopped a woman in her car to drunkenly borrow her cell phone (turns out she knew me when I was a baby..go figure)..and then I hopped on a golf cart with event security and made him weave through traffic to find the escalade in the disaster of cars waiting to leave Scarborough Downs.  He dropped me off, I popped myself into the back seat, buckled up, looked at my father and demanded he get me a cheeseburger. Who did I think I was David Hasselhoff?  The funny thing is he really did speed off to Wendy's along with 78% of the concert attendees just to get me a late night drunken snack. On the way I suddenly realized I had to pee. It was urgent. Incredibly urgent and I began to yell very loudly.This is where I have to make my dad pull behind Dunkin Donuts so I can pee behind their dumpster in the woods. I am lucky I didn't come face to face with a skunk. Eventually I got my cheeseburger and the next morning I noticed a trail of bacon leading from the car to the house so I am assuming I enjoyed it. I'm sure my dad enjoyed watching me scurry behind a dumpster to pee and my belligerent yelling about fast food because who wouldn't want a daughter who is just that cla$$y?

Well there you have it, a glimpse into my super special relationship with Johnny D. Be jealous that your dad doesn't dance to Michael Jackson in his towel  or organize your jewelry box when he's bored.

A Daughter Dose of Teen

You know you're from South Portland when..

Guess where my loyalty lies?

1.) When you say "I'm going to the store", it means ( Hannaford or Shaws)..also you're probably deathly loyal to one or the other.

2.) You refer to any area past Grandview as "Maiettaville"

3.) Your high school has aspestice and mold, not to mention the wall is breaking away from the floor and you can drop small objects like bits of paper and pencils down into the classroom below. (It only took 27 gazillion years for a renovation)

4.) It's a serious decision to pick where you're going to get ice cream in the summer (unless the ice cream truck drives by) Dairy Queen, Red's, or Beals..
editors note:
DQ has the best hot fudge.

There she is..in her PRIME!

Red's has amazing french fries, "nor'easters", and fat free ice cram.
Beals has great lobster rolls (or so some lady raved to me once), hard-serve, and that cute sparkly tip can with the names of the colleges the current SP student seniors who work there will be going to.
Let's be honest though: Were going wherever we know one of our friends are working so we can get a free sugar fix.

5.) Wendy's/Tim Horton's classified as a hangout when we had nothing better to do and no where to go.

6.) Deer Road is not just a street...but an activity...and if you're a super pansy..it's a scary one!

7.) Willard Beach is not a place you go during the day (there's a sewage pipe running into the water for Christ's sake) but a place people go at night to drink or smoke..maybe even both!
and inevitably get caught by the cops (oh yeah they figured you guys out a long time ago)

8.) EVERYONE is obsessed with Higgins Beach

No thanks, I have no soul..a steak and cheese would suit me better.

Even though they make you promise your soul to the devil and give your entire life's savings to park there AND there isn't a decent snack place unless you walk 12 miles, through sand and gravel..and gamble what's left of your life (you have no soul remember) trying to cross the busy street to a farm stand that sells vegetables and juice.

9.) Mr. Brogan and Mr. Chapin are not just men..but legends.

10.) You can name about 10 hoodrats off the top of your head.

11.) You still segregate your friendships based on where each other went to middle school.

"Oh that's right..you went to Mahoney..What's it like going to prison every day?" Do you miss those creepy vines strangling your school? I hope a duck bit you out at Millcreek park on a half day.."

There she blows!

"Well at least our school doesn't have mold and make our principal leave due to illness. Have fun at Dunkin Donuts or Willows after your school dances. We'll be hanging out in the shopping center trying to decide on Wendy's, McDonalds, Angelones...or stealing a 5th of vodka from Shaws!"

12.) You judge every body's prom dress...every year...as if it were the Oscars.. (wait what that's just me?!)

Prom '07  ( infants)

Prom '08 ( I became more bodacious sadly..and Molly..well STEPPED up her game from '07)

View this video: (Chris Biskup serenading my camera about taking his clothes off.. typical ..ps nothing I can do about the video being in the wrong direction)

13.) "Were watching a movie" being said to either of your parents means "Hey mom and dad ________'s (insert friend's name here) parents aren't home and we're having a huge ripper at their house and some one's going to get in a fight and someone else is going to break something, and that girl will be all over all the guys, and then he's gonna toss his cookies all over the antique couch Nana gave _____'s mom on her death bed"

14.) You still secretly wish that senior you had a crush on when you were a freshman would suddenly notice you for the amazing person you are...and make out with you at the bars.

15.)HOP is not what bunnies do. It is a place where you eat pizza or yummy cheeseburger subs!

16.) Your parents have waited  in line for hours with magazines and lawn chairs to sign you up for rec camp.

17.) You miss when Thatchers was inside the Maine Mall. Weathervane was an awesome store when you were 12 and bought your first thong there. Also you weren't cool in elementary school unless you shopped at Limited Too (now called Justice..WTF is that shit.)

18.)  A typical weekend as a kid consisted of sleeping over one of your friends house's
        Staying up too late talking on AIM to your gf/bf or "crush", playing Nintendo 64, eating bagels.
        Going to the mall or the movies the next day meeting up with those people you were instant
        messaging all night.


19.) Happy Wheels was a great place, curse "AUTOsucksLAND". Couple skates, roller blades, and the chicken dance..my god I want to be 10 again.

20.) You claim there is "nothing to do" in SoPo yet every time you leave you miss EVERYTHING about it. From your Mom's chop suey, Dad's cursing at the television, you're "AMAZING" friends, that pot-hole that ruins your front end alignment for some reason you can't seem to remember its there, your bed, the tree in your front yard, drinking in your buddies basement, lack of responsibility, your friends parents, the soap dispenser in your bathroom, the dent in the hall, your cat that died 10 years ago...(the list goes on)

Additional Notes:

*You refer to the "Upper Parking Lot as the UPP which makes abosolutely no sense"
* Sledding @ the UPP at night after a huge snowstorm is something you still enjoy..at the age of 25.
*You went to school somewhere far away... and then transferred to UMAINE Orono
*Officer Friendly didn't seem so friendly when he gave you that summonses.

So quitchabellyachin'

You fucking love your city.

A "So Po Hoe" Dose of Teen

Pangea (wtf is that!). "Lotion", and How do you know he's french?

The holidays tend to make everyone a little crazy. Even dare I say...a little ahem...blonde.

Oh mom, don't you just see the french in his face?

Case in point 3 examples from two relatives and my newly adopted cousin who loves/appreciates all things awesome (wine, blogs, cheese, osso bucco, teaching, and unecessary coffee breaks..Did I say wine?)

Scenario #1
 Momma Wendel and I doing a little grocery shopping at Publix

Me: "Mom! Look at the pup pup on the magazine cover! He's a french bulldog."
Wendel: "How do you know he's french?"

............
Me: "Are you serious....?"

Scenario #2
I have been having a hard time with the every one's lack of World History knowledge about this particular world/continent FACTOID.

Me: "So in one of my classes I came up with this great world encompassing name for a resort as an assignment in class...blahhhh blahhh blahh and nooooo one even knew what it was...I was sooo disappointed and shocked at everyone's lack of knowledge...How do people not know! (More ranting and raving...about people who have no clue about things sometims..." blahhh blahh blahhhhh

Newly adopted cousin: (Clueless look on face)
Cousin who doesn't read labels on bath product bottles: "Teenie, I don't think she knows either..."
Me: Are you kidding me expression " WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY KNOW WHAT PANGAEA IS!!!"

Pangaea for those of you who are awestruck and helpless as well is the name of all of the continents when they were together (well in theory scientists believe that before the movement of the tectonic plates all of the continents today were fit in together like a little warm, snuggly puzzle.)

Sidenote* Spell check told me I was spelling Pangaea wrong. I was spelling it "Pangea". I'm an idiot too.

Scenario #3
For Christmas I purchased  aromatherapy shampoo, conditioner, and body lotion for my cousin.
She was pretty excited and immediately put some on her legs!
Later that evening I caught her "re-administering" one of the products..only the product she was putting on her legs was not body lotion.

-

Actual gifts picture here!

It was conditioner.


Oh sweet baby Jesus, please help us all.


A hefty dose of serious brain farts
From the family members of Teen :0)

Morning Thoughts...Southern Style

For the past 2 years I have had the luxury of being able to take 2-3 weeks off every year for Christmas and been able to fly away from the snow (which actually makes me sad) and spend my holidays with my relatives from my mom's side of the family and most importantly my mom :0)! 

I googled "New England Girl" this definitely looks like me.

However as a New England girl through and through, I tend to find the actions, words, lives, any goings ons whatsoever of people down here unique, strange, and LOVE to trash talk provide constructive criticism...

1.) My number one thought every single freakin' time I come down here is "People are so damn slow". I don't know if it's the weather, the margaritas, or all the gosh darn old people, but cheese and rice can "y'all" pick up the pace. Whether I'm buying groceries, walking down the street, or talking to someone there is never a sense of urgency. It took a man 45 minutes to buy a pair of earring's yesterday. SERIOUSLY? That would take me 20 seconds.

2.) I caught the tail end of a radio advertisement that informed me, "Tis the season to be smurfy" 

Yes as in the smurfs. I guess I'm gonna have get my smurf on later today or something..

3.) This is the Christmas song I heard driving in the car this morning.

4.). There is a street known as "Kestor Dr." which makes me think of Keestors (aka BUMS)

Which in turn makes me think of this:

5.) Sign out front of a design store called Castro's, "Keep Christ in Christmas!" 

Thoughts... soon enough they are going to be telling me, "Keep CHRIST in CHRISTina!" (for those of you who only know me as Teen..my real name is Christina) Lets make note of the fact that I think Christ has been out of most people's Christmas holiday for a while. A holiday where we max out our credit cards to keep up with the Jones' and eat so much we have to unbutton our pants..Doesn't scream Jesus to me. But I get it South, I took a moment and let Christ into my heart then I found out about a bank robbery/high speed chase/shootout (which left one dead, another in critical condition) that happened a half a mile down the road from your location and really wished that they had read your sign before as well. Or maybe they were Jewish, read your sign and decided to rob a bank because they don't even celebrate CHRISTmas.

Anyways I just want to remind you all to keep some love, patience, sincerity, and kindness in whatever holiday you celebrate this season. ( Let's not forget life in general)

Love your family and friends.

Be patient with them as well (and strangers in those long lines at the store remember they are doing the same last minute shopping as you too!)

Be sincere about the love and kindness you give.

And practice random acts of kindness wherever you go. 

My friend Lagios and I were once eating some yummy food in the old port a couple of years ago and he gave his unfinished meal to a homeless man walking by. Lag is not usually a serious dude and often tested my patience, but he made up for every moment I wanted to strangle him in that one small and seriously awesome act of generosity and kindness.

6.) And watch this video too pwease.

Merry Whatever and Happy Whatchamacallit!

Your random and all over the place 

Dose of Teen <3

Pre-Thanksgiving Thoughts

  My dad owns a restaurant and he's owned it for all of my life. I have found that I get less and less excited about Thanksgiving every year.

Now why may you ask? Why does Thanksgiving not mean the joyous, great, fattening times that you and your family have?

First of all the restaurant is open on Thanksgiving! You guys thought Thanksgiving was about being thankful. Oh piss off, we all know it's a consumer holiday in which marks the beginning of the "real" Christmas season in which we all spend too much money and time buying gifts and not enough time with the people we truly care about. So either I had the choice to sit home while my family worked (once my brother was old enough to hold a bus bucket and eventually a tray he was working on Thanksgiving too). My mom used to work at the restaurant  on Thanksgiving but my parents are divorced and she lives in Florida so that would be really awkward now a days.

So on Thanksgiving instead I found myself at a variety of different venues here's the list

1.) The Garcia Family Thanksgiving- Hectic, overwhelming, never on time, and so NOT my Italian family Thanksgiving. I have spent Thanksgiving and Easter with this family. The thing I always found the most strange was that they served corn as a side dish. I know corn is a HUGE foundation of our diet and the first T-Gives, but christ almighty, never had I ever eaten corn during my holiday meals.

2.) The Breakers Hotel in Florida enjoying glass stuffing ( no joke). Anyways before we could make it to this world famous hotel the house down the street caught fire and my uncle was pulled over for speeding while my cousin and I were laying down in the back of the SUV floor hidden by a blanket.  I really couldn't make this shit up if I tried. The food was great but it was a buffet in an elegant ballroom and I really wanted to trade in my skirt for a pair of jeans and some heavy winter socks, curl up in butterball ( ha ha get it) and fall into a turkey coma listening to the football game.


3.) Working @ the restaurant-  I spent last T-Gives sorting out seating charts the night before and still found myself fucked over halfway through the day. I worked the entire day going on a slice of bread. I was waiting to eat with my brother at the bar (so classy) but he "got sooo hungry" he ate without me. Oh yeah and my dad showed up with his gf and her family to eat dinner. 'Nuff said.


4.) Having dinner alone with my mom..this was actually kinda cool because I didn't have to go anywhere with a strange family, we watched the Macy's Day Parade, my friend Nick brought us donuts in the morning (SO SWEET), and bopped around the house in our sweats. She watched the football game while I did homework, and we both napped on the couch.

5.) T-Gives with my brother's then fiance (now wife) without my brother- Obviously John was working and Melissa felt bad I had no where to go. So I went to "Grams". For those of you who haven't met Gram she's the most adorable, soft spoken, awesome lady you will ever meet. I think she could actually kick Betty White's ass. Anyways the thing I always notice about other people's holidays is that they are soo much more QUIET. It's deafening to me to hear so much silence. I'm used to 12 guests or more T-Gives when I was a wee child and family screaming at you if you should by chance infringe their view of the television.

Norman Rockwell, what's up?

6.) T-Gives with my boyfriend of the times family- This was after a long day of working at the restaurant. I smelled like a kitchen, my feet hurt, and I was exhausted. I was just expecting to meet everyone on the couch to watch a Christmas special and have dessert with them ( it was really late for normal Thanksgiving meals) when I called my then boyfriend and he told me they hadn't eaten yet and they were waiting for me. So I had myself a little happy cry in the car before heading into their house because I was soo excited to sit down for Thanksgiving dinner (with a normal functioning family who can actually cook). I had already eaten but I pretended I hadn't and it was seriously awesome. The 3 glasses of wine may have contributed to my warm, jolly feelings. But anyways someone should have taken a photo it was such a freaken kodak moment. Damn them.

7.) A holiday dinner with my best friend Nick, his family, and his now ex gf- This was not at the Link's home. This was at their relatives. It didn't really occur to me how weird it was that I was going to dinner with his family until we walked through the door and his relatives had to figure out which one of us was Nick's girlfriend. Maybe they thought we were a creepy Mormon threesome? But the entire family had thoroughly puzzled looks on their faces when we walked through the door and seemed a little on edge the entire time we were there, even my chocolate creme pie and flowers couldn't subside the wandering questions in their minds!

It's cool as a fictional tv show but apparently not as reality tv...

Not sure where I will end up this year, freeloading a free meal, joining in some other families T-Gives conversation, while judging their family traditions..BUT we shall see.

A Turkey dose of Teen