Hooking Up: What the fuck does that even mean?

Lets tackle the ambiguities and lifelong conundrum of "hooking up". Does anyone even really know what the FUCK that means? Because I don't. Honestly...it ranges from making out casually at the frat party, that person you booty call at 2am on the weekends, to casual sleepovers on Monday nights with a side of a snuggle sesh.

Instead of trying to put "hooking up" into one category I thought I'd put them into several. Cause we all know there isn't just one type

See that girl on the left, she's lining up her 2am man.

The Bootycall Hookup: Oh admit it. We all have that person our nether regions begin to think about after one too many glasses/shots (or an entire bottle of wine/ SOCO if you have gonads) You pick up your cell phone....look around to see if anyone's watching you and then you commit the ultimate crime. You sext them. Something like "Whererss are yuo" or "whhklf" or "Let's bone", as you're texting this thoughtful remark, you legit think you are so CLEVER. Probably the tequilla making you think that because that is some incredibly unoriginal shit. Whatever, it works. You meet up after your night is over (heaven forbid if anyone actually see's you two together) and your out of each other's bed by 4am that morning. SEE YA LATAH SUNSHINE, thanks for the ride.

The "I'm really bored so I guess I'll hangout with you" Hookup: This persons probably pretty cool but they aren't your first choice for a hookup (see the last "hookup" category). You normally end up hanging out with them when all of your friends are busy and your first, second, third choices for hookups fell through. Every time you invite them over you struggle to not text someone else, find yourself making grocery lists in your head, and trying to do things to piss them off so they think your a asshole and never want to hangout again. That's obviously the best thing to do because actually telling someone you aren't interested in them is incredibly immature and never okay.

I'm so glad we can be friends in bed and in the water!

The Friendly Hookup: This one is kinda cool. You can interact with their friends, family, and them on a super friendly, non-awkward that we did the sexual tango together, basis. You hangout in sexual and non-sexual situations. You can talk like your dating or like your best friends. Singing Nsync in the car in the Burger King line is totally acceptable and you could care less if they hookup with someone else. You two have a mutual understanding that every once and a while your gonna need a little rendez-vous. They provide the perfect amount of lovin', compliments, and hilarity. Could it get any better? Probs not. Keep it real. Enjoy.


The Going Nowhere Hookup: Every time it happens you literally think, "Why did I do that" or "Why do we keep doing this." You both know it's never going to work. You two are entire opposites, you don't understand each other, and it's never even that satisfying. Kind of like eating a bag of lays potato chips. You're full but not really satified. Read my blog "Hookups in Retrospect" for further insight on that weird feeling you get after an unfulfilling one nighter.


The "Why the hell did I think that was a good idea" Hookup: This one is funny, you wakeup the next morning (in an alcohol induced fog) look over and literally have to cover your mouth as you roll your eyes and an accidental laugh/grunt erupts from you. You have a nice little conversation in your head about how to best get this person out of your bed. "Should I fake sick?" "Do I pretend I have to go to work" "Do I continue to sleep and hope they get up and leave REALLY soon" "Should I fart?" "Maybe if I breath really heavily on them with my gross morning breath they will get the hint and go away."
 Oh well, however way you get rid of them it still makes for a pretty decent story and you know your friends will enjoy laughing at all of your sexcapades.

Let's toast to GOOD decisions.

The Hookup that just might lead into a relation(shit): For the record this is dumb. Anybody who thinks feelings are cool can just get the fuck out. You do all the lovely courting stuff like holding your metatarsals together even when one of you has chronic sweaty palms, staring longingly into one another's eyes...

SIDENOTE: I have no idea how people do this. If someone looks at me for any period of time longer than three seconds I get super concerned that there is a big booger hanging out of my nose or I have peanutbutter on my face. Or I do something like make a monkey face or wink (un-seductively). I guess that's what caring is, being able to stare at someone without having to worry if there's a bunch of bullshit hanging off yo mug. Sorry I'm too emotionally stunted for that.

 anyway...

and cracking lots of inside jokes that no one else understand or really even gives a shit about. There's this super charged and emotional royal rumble style (also if they've never played Sega Genesis Royal Rumble then they're too young for you bro) first kiss and you think of them not just when you are horny & boozin' but they put a smile on your face in the morning when you wake up (GAG) and you do super "ADORABLE" things to make all your facebook friends jealous like go out to eat at fancy restaurants, pick obscene amounts of apples that are just going to go moldy and die, or pose in front of really picturesque scenery while you too look all "Hallmark Card" perfect. Don't even get me started on the "kiss pics". I'm sorry, I don't care if you kiss your "almost" boyfriend. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO. You look like that little dog that keeps peeing on the fire hydrant to show that it's hers. I can guarantee you 3 other girls are probably peeing on it too. How's that for honesty? How do you feel about your "kiss pic" now honey?

Oopsies, that was a LITTLE tangent. This sort of progesses in the previous blog of "How to date" so just read that cause I'm sick of talking about relationshits. It ends with you two becoming facebook official and the entire world hating you for your happiness. How does that sound?

Let me leave you with a little inspirational quote to remind you of your ever lasting love...

"You've got to accept the fact that life isn't a fairy tale, things aren't always happily ever after. Things like magic wishes, Prince Charmings and true love don't happen in real life. Magic wishes come from money, Prince Charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes. And true love? Ha, true love is one-sided, Ace. You love her, she loves someone else. She loves you, you love someone else. Never quite works out does it? So you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love. Real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it. 'If you wish, it'll happen.' Well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster. Welcome to reality. Enjoy your stay."

Oh I forgot to mention something, in all of these there is not discussion of what you're doing. So each of you is left in this deranged crazy limbo where one of your probably cares more than the other. The fact that your "pseudo" relationship hasn't been discussed leaves you open to hookup with other people without actually feeling bad because you never really talked about exclusivity. You don't have to feel guilty if you don't call them every day, you're not obligated to spend money on them, and you certainly never have to tell them what you are doing. Think about it. That's kinda nice...not having someone up your ass all the time leaves a lot more time for the important things like drinking, reading a book, or doing something infinitely more interesting than trying to be in a relationshit.

Enjoy your lives folks. And remember, there is one single person you thought of for EVERY single one of these categories. Use your people wisely.


Lots of anger and hatred,
Teen