Dear Horny Group of Average Looking Mid-Twenties Men who have clearly haven't watched Wedding Crashers to actually get the girls,
Oh yes whistle and hoot at me. What a great idea. Call me your "grey goose girl" that is really going to make me swoon. While you're swaying around drunkenly trying to find the bathroom I am trying to facilitate a wedding in a three hour span with mother's of both the bride and groom up my ass and a grouchy caterer. Making suggestive remarks while trying to find my face between the triple vision and your meandering eyeballs really makes me want to go home with you. Call me crazy but I kinda like it when a guy can pronounce all his words clearly and look me in the eye, but maybe I'm just old fashioned like that. Your version of "sexy" to Pour Some Sugar On Me by Def Leopard falls somewhere in the category of Simon Cowells chest hair and my dad's toenails. Loosen that tie up a little more, untie your shirt, and take another shot, you look so handsome when you're disheveled, stained, and red in the face. In between your hiccups and slurs maybe I can hold your tie up for you when your puking into a side street later tonight. That will put the whipped cream and cherry on top of my shit fest of a week! Oh please please please ask me if I will go out with you later. How did you know I wanted to spend my evening with you? Was it the fact that the groom told me I could punch you in the face? Was it the excitement written all over my face as I cleaned up you and your buddies spilled drinks and dirty napkins? Was it when I cut you off of the bar!? Oh c'mon which of my friendly advances led you to believe I had even the most remote interest in you? Don't make me do it, oh you left me no choice. I must make you feel old and creepy now by letting you know I am not of age to drink. What! You feel bad for me! That's such a nice thing to say. You the belligerent mess with the sweaty face using that pole to keep yourself upright. Thank you for telling me you feel bad for me. I totally wish I was in your position right now about to keel over and toss my cookies all over my shoes, wipe the snot and mess off my face, and hop on over to the bars where I will try to bump and grind with chicks in hopes that they will let me get in their pants. Oh keep yelling, " I know girls like you" fourth times the charm buddy. Still not changing my mind. Go play with yourself and get the hell out of my vision line.
Peace, Love, and Sassyness
Always here to give you my daily dose,
