We say THIS but we friggin' mean THAT

Gentleman, women are stupid, there I said it. We have this strange belief that you should automatically know what we want even though we don't tell you. Or that when we say something you understand its deep underlying meaning. We want you to be magical mind readers who surprise us with edible arrangements and new Jessica Simpson shoes just because. The sad thing is most women are legitimately setting themselves up for dissapointment. Men are dim.

If it doesn't involve food they are eating/want to eat/ staring at with hungry eyes, sex they are even more hungrily searching for, or sports in which they whole heartedly worship other men to the point of absurdity then it's probably not registering on their tiny little brains.


So gentleman, in the spirit of giving I thought I would make some of our more popular phrases a little more clear.

"Oh no, please don't buy me anything for Christmas, I just want to spend time with the family"
Actually means,
"If my husband and kids forget me again this year and I only get freakin' framed crate paper ornament with my kids school pictures on them I am going to ball my eyes out in the fetal position underneath the Christmas tree"

WHO COULD RESIST THAT!

"Would you like dessert?"
"...no thank you, I'm soooo full"
Actually means,
"I feel like a fat-ass because I already had an appetizers, a glass of wine, huge meal, and ate off your plate too but the creme brulee sounds fucking amazing and I might never sleep a sound night again without out trying it..."
What we want you to say, "Lets get dessert, I think I want to order (pick three desserts), let's split something, you choose"


"I really want to see (INSERT movie in theaters currently)!"
Actually means,
"I want you to take me to see this movie, pronto. Why haven't to asked me yet, ASSHOLE...oh and you're paying"


"Ugh, I hate football!!!!!!"
Actually means,
Please acknowledge my existence at least 3 times during the game with a hug, kiss, sexual wink, text message, carrier pigeon, hell even a high five would do..whatever, we're attention whores, we must be watered with affection every day like a plant or something.

Look, I even made popcorn! Please just LOOK at me!

"Babeeeeeee, my back hurts." cue awkward contorting and super pouty lips.
Actually means,
"Why don't you ever offer to rub my back... it really sucks that I have to beg for you to touch me in a non-sexual way."

"Yeah I guess, you're okay..."
Actually means,
"I have giant crush on you and I'm too immature and childish to admit it because the fear of rejection is far too much for my ego/heart to handle"


"Let's drink"
Actually means,
"I want to get you drunk and do dirty things with you, nothing like alcohol to lower my inhibitions"

"I hate you"
Actually means,

Oh shit, you're fucked.

"I really like you but you never do anything right and you're such and idiot so in all reality I really should hate you...maybe if I say it enough times it will actually happen"

"It's whatever"
Actually means,
"You're in deep shit douchebag, I'm seriously mad and you owe me an apology...plus dinner, and flower....and new jeans."

There's plenty more...but I don't like to give away all of our secret code because sometimes you just have to figure some shit out for yourself gentleman.

Lots of non existent love and stuff,

Teen