I'm your waitress not your bitch

There's nothing a server enjoys more than absolutely crushing it on the floor during a busy shift. Anticipating every gosh darn outrageously annoying need before it's necessary,managing not to spill a single item on yourself (a monumental feat for me), and most importantly making 20% or more on all your checks.

However this isn't a happy story. That would be way to far out of my comfort zone. I'm going to let er’ rip on what drives me absolutely bonkers about my customers. 


1. When I have barely set the plate down in front of a customer and they ask me for cheese. 

LOOK BUDDY, IT'S A FUCKING ITALIAN RESTAURANT OF COURSE I’M GOING TO BRING YOU CHEESE. 

Let me give your wife her ravioli before you start demanding dairy products.

Then it just gets plain ridiculous. I bring the grater to the table and say, “Just tell me when”

20 minutes later…

 The entire table has a pile of Parmesan up to my boobs. 

Meanwhile I’ve developed carpal tunnel as he adds an incredulous amount of cheese to Fettuccine FUCKING Alfredo.

 I walk away, with a defective hand, sweating, and generally feeling astonished while this guy pile drives his fork into Mount Parmesan.

Take notes people. What normal cheese portions look like.

Enjoy your clogged arteries and severe diarrhea later sir. I hope you choke on your noodles.

2. When the Canadians write a note on my check saying "great job!" And then leave me a 10% tip. Is that a sarcastic great job? Are Canadians even funny? Is the "great job" exchangeable with the electric company so I can pay my bills?

It’s no secret Canadians are terrible tippers. But do you really have to leave me a hand written note? “Sorry I didn’t leave you more money, I think you did a wonderful job, but I’m just a cheap fuck” would have been more accurate don’t you think?

3. People who can't order food. So you’ve walked into a restaurant, you’ve spent twenty minutes looking at the menu; and I your server come over to inquire what you would like for dinner! Annnnnnd you Mrs. Lucky "I get to go out to eat and enjoy myself on Friday nights"…stare at me blankly….reopen your menu and then ask someone else at the table to go ahead of you. GET IT TOGETHER.

 Is it a surprise to you that I have come to take your order? Was my delivery of drinks, “ I’ll give you a little more time with the menu" comment, then my asking if you had any questions about the menu not enough of a clue that you should order? Please tell every other person at the table to go first while you continue to stare at the menu in blank disbelief. I would love to wait at your table for another 10 minutes, because you are my sole reason for existing tonight. I don’t have 10 other starving people staring at me waiting for me to bring them chicken parmesan.

4. The mind fuck customer: The person who looks infuriated and un-happy the entire time you are waiting on them and then leaves you a great tip. I don’t get it. I thought you hated me. Why did you look like you wanted the floor to open up underneath me and for me to slip into the depths of hell?  Cause I’m honestly confused.

In shock that someone would actually paint this.

5. Anyone who asks for French fries with filet mignon.  It’s like wearing stilettos with running shorts. You just look stupid. I will just automatically bring out some A1 with that and I presume you would like that cooked to shoe leather consistency…oh I’m sorry “well done”.

6. The lady who saves every extra piece of meat on everyone’s plate for her dog. YOU ARE KILLING YOUR ANIMAL WITH THAT KINDNESS. Not to mention you’re probably single. It’s okay to be the crazy dog lady. Just don’t let the entire dinner table in on your little secret.

7. People who tell me they know the owner and expect to be treated like royalty. That’s nice, me too. You’re still paying. Additionally, if you know the owner SO GOD DAMN well why don’t you recognize me. Because NEWSFLASH I’m his daughter. I have no problem treating you with kindness and respect but please don't act entitled because you know the person who owns the business someone works at. 

8. Cole slaw freaks. I guess I should ease up on “The People of the Slaw” because typically they are between the ages 65-90 and struggle to make it from the lobby to the dining room. It’s probably hard to find much to make you happy with your loss of hearing, dentures, and special order shoes. I’ll let you have the joy of soggy cabbage and mayo.

9. Women who think I want their man. I am not smiling and agreeing with everything your boyfriend says because I want to shamelessly steal him from you at the dinner table. It’s my fucking job to be pleasant you crazy bitch. Though I

wouldn’t blame him if he left you because you’ve had your stank face on since you two sat down. Meanwhile his poor guy has tried everything from shrimp proscuitto to tiramisu to make you happy and all you can do is glare angrily at me. Be thankful you have someone who can afford to bring you to dinner and encourages the eating of dessert. My dinner date is usually a book and a beer. ALONE. AT A BAR.

 SO GET IT TOGETHER before I bring your boyfriend into the bathroom and show him a better time god damnit.

10.One final thing…If you can’t afford to tip 20% please please please do not come out to eat. It is our job to provide you with the best dining experience possible. We do this because 1. We really do enjoy it 2. Based on our performance we receive money from you…for providing you with a service. I make sure your drinks are delivered promptly, your appetizers come out before your meal, and that you have five extra lemons for your water. I set the tempo for that REALLY ENJOYABLE evening you just had. So pay up. Or go to the grocery store and make your own meal.

Disclaimer: I really do enjoy waiting tables. I adore the people I meet…from the guy named Big Wood who paints pictures of animals on feathers to the awkward first date couple…or the hooker and the old dirty man who’s hired her. You make a lot of connections, make great money in a 5 hour shift, and if you do your job right people leave with exactly what they came for…a night away from the kitchen being taken care of in a respectful, knowledgeable, and of course fun way.

Sometimes people are just infuriatingly stupid.

Peace & Parmesan,

The Bitter Waitress