The Juice Cleanse

How to do a juice cleanse (the lazy version way)

WELL, I never thought not eating solid food for three days would be so intriguing to so many people. Especially myself, but after a week of indulging in Florida, on the road trip home, and then the most sinful and delicious barbecue restaurant I've ever experienced I found myself up at 3am vomiting profusely. No I wasn't drunk, I honestly wish I was. I, in all seriousness & as gross as it sounds, had just eaten way too much. My body had had enough of the junk and was revolting against me.

Time to evaluate my life. Typically I'm a healthy eater who strays late at night with chocolate or mashed potatoes. Don't even get me started on the greatness of the potato. If there isn't a potato museum or a national potato day I'm not so sure I can continue to live in this world.

Anyways...cue in a juice cleanse. I secretly hope I am going to look like Adrianna Lima after but I might be getting ahead of myself. I did a little research. By research I mean read this article on Health.com. Then I decided I was going to use the juice cleanse I saw on groupon because her packaging was so stinking cute. I am a sucker for packaging. Her tagline "A Healthy Obession". CMON JULIE YOU'RE KILLING ME!

However, I found the most helpful tips for cleansing to be under the "Cleansing" tab on the Life Juice website. It let me know that I should pre-cleanse so I don't cause a shock to my body. For three days I consumed very little dairy, no meat/poultry, and a bunch of veggies. Pre-cleanse for as many days you plan to cleanse is the general rule. I also cheated with fish & dairy. The diet is supposed to be vegan & gluten free but rules were meant to be broken! BECAUSE THAT STUFF IS DELICIOUS. Even doing that I felt nice and light...probably because I had to poop so much during the pre-cleanse. Also drink water, always. All day, every minute. 

DAY 1

Dog wakes me up ridiculously early before my cleanse can arrive.

Eat one piece of gluten free toast with Sunflower Butter & Sliced Bananas.

Wait anxiously for juice to arrive. 

Sprint to door to retrieve juice. 

Falls on my head.

JUICE 1: Morning Glory..romaine, celery, spinach, apple, kale, strawberry

My first thought: SO MUCH GREEN.

Taste: Has a bit of a grassy undertone but the banana completely mellows it out. Not overly sweet but not so gross I feel like I'm eating chopped parsley. ACTUALLY GOOD.

Consistency: Slightly chunky

JUICE 2: Spicy Lemonade..lemon, maple syrup, cayenne

First Thoughts: I hope I don't spill this in the car

Taste: Tangy, not sweet or sugary with a hint of spice REFRESHING

Consistency: All liquid with red cayenne dots

-- DYING OF STARVATION (slightly dramatic) ate 3 carrots & 4 cherry tomatoes.

JUICE 3: Sweet Spin..spinach, kale, pineapple, banana, mango

First Thoughts: MORE GREEN...WAHHHH

Taste: Not as earthy as Morning glory. Much sweeter but not at all overwhelming. Easiest to drink.

Consistency: Thick & smooth

--STILL WANT FOOD: NOMMED 2 carrots & 3 cherry tomatoes

JUICE 4: Acai Blend.. acai berries, strawberries, banana

First Thoughts: THIS IS GOING TO BE MY FAV. Acai is so pretentious.

Taste: The sweetest so far.

Consistency: CHUNKY

--Ate 1 carrot 2 cherry tomatoes

JUICE 5: Choco-nana..chocolate, banana, strawberries

First Thoughts: FUCK YEAH CHOCOLATE, then..wishing there was peanut butter and granola in it.

Taste: Not as chocolatey as I was looking for. Still delicious though. Not a big fan of strawberries with chocolate smoothies for some reason. 

Consistency: Smooth & Thick (like my hair...)

JUICE 6: SEE SWEET SPIN pictured above (same as Juice 3)

DAY ONE IS OVER: 

Sad and miss solid foods. A LOT A LOT ALOT less miserable than anticipated. FEEL GREAT and like a glowing princess unicorn. Did not poop my pants (WIN). Some gas though! Gurgley belly from hunger? Am I hungry or just thinking about food so much it makes me hungry? Confused that I actually liked all of the drinks. Concerned that I will wake up in the middle of the night and eat the sweet apple chicken sausage in my refrigerator. Have to pee as I write this. Not overly tired. Didn't feel like I was going to fall asleep at 2pm today. Didn't dream about coffee nearly as much as yesterday. Do not feel gross or fat or bloated like I feel after eating on quite often. 

THE END.

I'm basically flawless except for these 5 facts...

 5 Things I’m Terrible At

Because self deprecation is apparently my thing. Thankfully I’m secure enough to share these things with my readers (aka my roommate & my dog). These are also my ONLY flaws.

1. Accepting/Giving Compliments

Instead of calling people “pretty, gorgeous, beautiful, sexy” insert a few more positive adjectives insecure women all over the world thirst for from their half-assed interested male suitors.

I choose to use phrases like “I think your face is nice” or “Why is your skin so perfect?”.  “Who did you sell your soul to?” comes out of my mouth to older women a lot too. I can’t even stop myself and then when they gape at me in sheer horror because I’m suggesting they are a vain souless human being I’m almost sort of sorry for saying it.

BUT REALLY BITCH WHO DID YOU SELL YOUR SOUL TO BECAUSE YOU’RE 65 AND FUCKING GLOWING. TELL ME YOUR SECRETS.

Cause I’m still struggling with pre menstrual cycle acne and my hair never sits just so like yours. THERE IS NO WAY YOU DIDN’T COMMIT A SIN TO LOOK THAT GOOD.

Well there, I’ve admitted it, I feel so much better. I have a hard time saying nice things to people. I think it’s partially my fault and partially every doucher who’s ever kissed me’s fault. Because you dumb fucks said REALLY NICE THINGS and then I find out you have secret girlfriends. So excuse me for not wanting to say something super sweet for fear of ending up at a party with 6 other girls you’ve done the horizontal tango with and your crazy ex girlfriend wanting to punch me in the face.

The face I make when I get a compliment.

Now accepting compliments. Shouldn’t that be easy. Smile, say thank you, touch their arm, lean in kiss their neck..etc. At a bar recently a guy complimented my nose ring.

He said something like “I never noticed your nose ring before, it’s really sexy”

Inside my brain is like “Awwww holy fucking spumoni that’s really sweet, say something nice Christina”. ME: “Nose rings only look good if you have a cute nose and my nose is cute” WHAT. A. FUCKING. ASSHOLE. Here I am basically asking for this guy to talk to me about how cute my nose is? This is almost as bad as when I complimented my male co-worker’s shirt and said I would love to turn it into a dress. I need help.

2. Frisbee

My heart begins to palpitate when a group of people congregate at a park to throw plastic discs towards one another. Frisbees are insane little objects that never go as far or even remotely in the direction I throw them. If another one of you skilled flying saucer throwing buttfaces tells me “it’s all in

the wrist” I am going to break yours. HOW’S THAT FRISBEE NOW.

Woah, that escalated quickly. I didn’t mean it I promise. Broken bones make me nauseous and lightheaded. I couldn’t hurt a fellow frisbee aficionado like that.

Anywayssssss, I’m not overly athletic. In the words of my high school art teacher “She tries SO HARD”. So unless you want to watch me chase after a frisbee, throw it at my own feet, and constantly drop it probably not a good idea to invite me along on your afternoon of park fun. Unless there’s snacks. I’ll look like a dumbass for treats anyday.

3. Calculating change. UNNNNNGGGGGHHHHHH. You are talking to a girl takes pronunciation, grammar, and spelling very seriously. For example it’s a ‘no go’ for us if you can’t get “their, there, they’re” in the proper spot of a sentence that you email, text, smoke signal to me. BUT MY GOD ASK ME TO DO BASIC MATH AND I WILL CRY. I still use my fingers to add. Sometimes I try to do long division to see if I can remember. I curl into a ball in the corner for hours instead, severe PTSD when it comes to calculations. MATH IS HARD. The problem with me is I think everyone is watching and automatically assuming how worthless I am because they give me $20.90 in change for their $5.67 coffee and muffin. WHYYYYYYYYYYYY MUST YOU DO THESE THINGS TO ME.

4. Doing anything my mother asks me to do

I am not a bad daughter. I love my mom. I make her scrapbooks of my brother and I. I send her flowers and corny greeting cards on holidays or just because. I call her almost every day. She is 75% of the reason I am the total nutcase I am today. We share a mutual dislike for nearly every human being on the planet. However, I have this crazy problem where she asks me for a favor and within 75 seconds I have forgotten all about her and then I show up at home sleepy from drinking corona at the beach without the greek pizza she desperately wanted and waited for all day while she was home cleaning and watching my dog.

I recently forgot to bring her twinkies to work too.

She also told me to never get tattoos or piercings. Several tattoo’s and holes in my body later...she glares disapprovingly whenever anyone mentions them.

She also is about to ask me to stop coming home at 2am so much now that I live with her.

I am not very obedient but as I like to remind her she did raise me to be independent, encouraged me to think for myself, and told me to never take shit from anyone. Especially men.

So who do we have to blame here really?

5. Having my shit together

Long ago I gave up the dream of being that effortlessly gorgeous women cascading down the street without a flaw in the world. I almost face plant about 3 times a day on average. It’s a miracle if don’t get distracted by a song on the radio and end up missing the road to my house. My love life is always teetering on the edge of disaster and “oops I did you again”. I’ve broken more wine glasses and mirrors than UPS. My car keys are usually lost in the bottomless pit known as my handbag and I currently define my life situation as a quarter life crisis.

Well there’s that.

Love (even though it’s not real),

Teen