How to do a juice cleanse (the lazy version way)
WELL, I never thought not eating solid food for three days would be so intriguing to so many people. Especially myself, but after a week of indulging in Florida, on the road trip home, and then the most sinful and delicious barbecue restaurant I've ever experienced I found myself up at 3am vomiting profusely. No I wasn't drunk, I honestly wish I was. I, in all seriousness & as gross as it sounds, had just eaten way too much. My body had had enough of the junk and was revolting against me.
Time to evaluate my life. Typically I'm a healthy eater who strays late at night with chocolate or mashed potatoes. Don't even get me started on the greatness of the potato. If there isn't a potato museum or a national potato day I'm not so sure I can continue to live in this world.
Anyways...cue in a juice cleanse. I secretly hope I am going to look like Adrianna Lima after but I might be getting ahead of myself. I did a little research. By research I mean read this article on Health.com. Then I decided I was going to use the juice cleanse I saw on groupon because her packaging was so stinking cute. I am a sucker for packaging. Her tagline "A Healthy Obession". CMON JULIE YOU'RE KILLING ME!
However, I found the most helpful tips for cleansing to be under the "Cleansing" tab on the Life Juice website. It let me know that I should pre-cleanse so I don't cause a shock to my body. For three days I consumed very little dairy, no meat/poultry, and a bunch of veggies. Pre-cleanse for as many days you plan to cleanse is the general rule. I also cheated with fish & dairy. The diet is supposed to be vegan & gluten free but rules were meant to be broken! BECAUSE THAT STUFF IS DELICIOUS. Even doing that I felt nice and light...probably because I had to poop so much during the pre-cleanse. Also drink water, always. All day, every minute.
DAY 1
Dog wakes me up ridiculously early before my cleanse can arrive.
Eat one piece of gluten free toast with Sunflower Butter & Sliced Bananas.
Wait anxiously for juice to arrive.
Sprint to door to retrieve juice.
Falls on my head.
JUICE 1: Morning Glory..romaine, celery, spinach, apple, kale, strawberry
My first thought: SO MUCH GREEN.
Taste: Has a bit of a grassy undertone but the banana completely mellows it out. Not overly sweet but not so gross I feel like I'm eating chopped parsley. ACTUALLY GOOD.
Consistency: Slightly chunky
JUICE 2: Spicy Lemonade..lemon, maple syrup, cayenne
First Thoughts: I hope I don't spill this in the car
Taste: Tangy, not sweet or sugary with a hint of spice REFRESHING
Consistency: All liquid with red cayenne dots
-- DYING OF STARVATION (slightly dramatic) ate 3 carrots & 4 cherry tomatoes.
JUICE 3: Sweet Spin..spinach, kale, pineapple, banana, mango
First Thoughts: MORE GREEN...WAHHHH
Taste: Not as earthy as Morning glory. Much sweeter but not at all overwhelming. Easiest to drink.
Consistency: Thick & smooth
--STILL WANT FOOD: NOMMED 2 carrots & 3 cherry tomatoes
JUICE 4: Acai Blend.. acai berries, strawberries, banana
First Thoughts: THIS IS GOING TO BE MY FAV. Acai is so pretentious.
Taste: The sweetest so far.
Consistency: CHUNKY
--Ate 1 carrot 2 cherry tomatoes
JUICE 5: Choco-nana..chocolate, banana, strawberries
First Thoughts: FUCK YEAH CHOCOLATE, then..wishing there was peanut butter and granola in it.
Taste: Not as chocolatey as I was looking for. Still delicious though. Not a big fan of strawberries with chocolate smoothies for some reason.
Consistency: Smooth & Thick (like my hair...)
JUICE 6: SEE SWEET SPIN pictured above (same as Juice 3)
DAY ONE IS OVER:
Sad and miss solid foods. A LOT A LOT ALOT less miserable than anticipated. FEEL GREAT and like a glowing princess unicorn. Did not poop my pants (WIN). Some gas though! Gurgley belly from hunger? Am I hungry or just thinking about food so much it makes me hungry? Confused that I actually liked all of the drinks. Concerned that I will wake up in the middle of the night and eat the sweet apple chicken sausage in my refrigerator. Have to pee as I write this. Not overly tired. Didn't feel like I was going to fall asleep at 2pm today. Didn't dream about coffee nearly as much as yesterday. Do not feel gross or fat or bloated like I feel after eating on quite often.
THE END.
