How to Survive a Breakup: The Clean Version

Now as the residential "Queen" of breakups, (yes I just gave myself the name, if you want to fight me on it well go ahead, I'll just break our friendship.) No, I am not proud of my tumultuous year in relationship land, no one wishes for confusion, heartache, and the loss of their best friend! But hey! Life happens. So I am going to give everyone some advice that you most likely will not follow during your first breakup, but after your second...maybe even your third (depending on how slow of a learner you are) you might just understand what I am saying.

1. Go spend some money
Whats your guilty pleasure? Is it shoes? A pedicure? Video Games? New speakers? Just buy something that you've wanted for quite some time. The whole process is excellent because you're so excited about this new thing and picking out the best, most fitting new thing that you completely forget how sad, pissed off, and hurt you are. That new shirt makes you smile or those new headphones actually play music out of both ears. Some people say that material things do not buy happiness but I really think they can help relieve that feeling, you know the one where you feel like your entire chest is going to cave in.

2. Realize that the one person you are going to want through this entire process is now GONE
This is very hard to accept. You want to tell them all your good news and even the stupid shit like how you stubbed your toe on the door frame. Well, text your mom. Text your sister. Text that random kid to whom gave you his number last weekend. Pretend to have a fake conversation with the bum who walked out on you. By now you know them well enough to know what their response would be. So what if you think it's crazy. Whatever keeps you from talking to the person who is causing you the pain is worth it. BECAUSE ladies and gentleman, talking to them I REPEAT talking to your ex will only make the pain worse. At any time during the healing process. I PROMISE.

3. DO not DRINK until at least 1 week after the initial breakup
Everyone is going to think I'm crazy. But hey I'm pretty sure feeling like your brain is leaking through your ears via the massive migraine you will have the next morning as well as wondering that the hell or who the hell you did the night before is not something you want to feel when heartbroken. Why is beer going to fill the void if chocolate icecream can't? Why is making out with a stranger going to help?Why is slutting up the town going to make your heart hurt less? Just stop. Think for a moment because clearly you're not thinking properly since you just had your feelings put into a blender and turned into a heartbreak hell smoothie.


4. CRY
Gentleman, I'll give you some advice so you don't feel like a pansy since we all know that men don't cry and you have no feelings. Just cry in the shower. Or in the late hours of the night when all your roommates are sleeping and they won't hear your sniffles. While crying profusely will just make you puffy,stuffy, and sleepy a little moment here or there will not kill you. Holding all of that in will just make you explode.

5. FOCUS on something you really love.
Whenever I'm having a rough day I end up cooking. The familiarity of making one of my recipes really calms me down. So just figure out what you love (if you are thinking beer and getting drunk see #3. and come up with a new answer)

6. Get a buddy or five
Just surround yourself with people. Make jokes about your situation. Be crazy. You just lost something important. You're aloud be obnoxious and have too much fun.

7. Do not try to find someone new
It's just weird and awkward. Eventually you will find someone...I think. But actually "trying" to find them will never work. Eventually someone will surprise you and fall into your life.


8. Forgive yourself
Stop wondering, "What if". Stop placing the blame on each other. What's that going to do? You already feel crappy. If you learn to forgive yourself for the stupid mistakes and being an idiot then it makes you a whole lot less angry.

9. Do not trash talk
It's beyond strange to me that someone who swore they loved you and cared about you so much can say ridiculous things. Just cause you are broken up with someone doesn't mean it's a free for all on them. No amount of degrading comments and insults are going to make you feel like you've won. HINT: it's not a competition. Inevitably you will regret being awful and feel pretty shitty too.

10.  Get yourself out of the house and out exploring
I'm picking up yoga! Also, I met Kenny Chesney. I also got into a fight with 250lb man for a guitar pick (and won!!!!). After the one week waiting period I had a little too much beer.

Just remember to smile and laugh...and maybe cry a little!

<3 A Dose of Advice from Teen

Imma BAD BAD....Blogger

Damn it feels good to be back!

I'm not going to apologize for not writing because I have apologized entirely too much in these past few years. But in the end by not writing I was only hurting my own creativity, the money I earn from adsense (keep clickin' folks), and failing to become a professional blogger so I can sit on my couch writing about things that pop into my head while wearing sweat pants like the lady who decided to follow Julia Child's cookbook until she became chubby and her husband wanted to leave her. ON THAT NOTE!

Here is a list of things I'm not sorry for:

1. Always losing my keys, cell phone, limbs, socks...
Who cares? I find them eventually? Oh my bad we are 5 minutes late for Uncle Desmond's 49th birthday. WHO THROWS A 49TH BIRTHDAY ANYWAYS?!


2. Being late to my own birthday
I planned the entire thing, food, candy, 3 tier cake...Okay now hire me to plan your birthday parties everyone cause it's sooo much more fun and less nerve racking.

3. For being a crybaby and having haywire feelings
Listen sometimes I miss my mom or my dog or that perfect summer day two Septembers ago. I'm gonna cry a little about it. I'm going to be a little upset when I breakup with my boyfriend of almost two years and subsequently his super nice family. I also blubbered like a crazy person in front of 200 of my brother and his wife's closest friends and family when he got married. I was just SO HAPPY for them!!!But don't even thing to compare to that girl in Mean Girls who shows up for the share session and talks about rainbows and sunshine. " SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE!"

4. For cooking every day...and getting lost in the aromas, motions, and details of each dish I make
No I do not have a food problem. I have a passion. It's okay for people to sit on a couch and yell at men in tight pants on the television and waste hundreds of dollars on bets but cooking a meal from scratch that feeds the body and the mind is a problem. Go screw.

5. NOT watching the Jersey Shore
Why would I want to watch a bunch of people get in fights, hookup with each other, and embarrass their parents? People make Jersey Shore references and I stare at them blank and confused. Am I the only one out there? Has the Guido Apocalypse truly taken over?  My god someone please bring some sanity back to the nation.


6. Getting caught with a pint of Hagen Daas peanut butter chocolate ice cream, empty, next to my bed
Oh c'mon..we've all done it. You... yeah you,  actually feel a little better about that greasy monstrosity you ate drunkenly before you went to bed last night. You're welcome. I'm here to help you feel better about your lack of perfection. Who wants to be perfect anyway. Those people suck.

7. For sending too many emails
Gourmet Dinner is HUGE deal. I have a lot of random input and random thoughts. I need to get those thoughts and questions out there because what if we forget something!? For example night one of Savor the Elements..THE SCALLIONS WERE MISSING. I'm just trying to help. Obsessively. Cause that's just the way I am.

8. About being afraid of the Gym
Listen people, those machines are frightening. They cause harm and will make you bleed. I am currently looking into alternative exercise methods like yoga and boxing. Anyone who would like to make me run by having a car full of chocolate and pad thai is welcome to come over and help me with my problem.


9. For having a Harry Potter problem
So I cried when Dumbledore died. I hate Ginny Weasley because I wish they'd cast me as her so I could awkwardly kiss Harry Potter in the Weasley kitchen before he runs off to slay horcruxes. I have been to the Harry Potter exhibit at the museum of science in Boston and read all the books in about 3 days or less. Next month I am going to Harry Potter World and I am not one ounce of ashamed. Can't wait for butter beer and to take a photo in front of HOGWARTS.  Okay I need to calm down..I'm so excited!

10.  Not being girly or doing anything that is attractive ever (ie: being a good dancer, having pretty nails, wearing heels, "<3ing my girls", liking the color pink)
I wear chuck taylors more often than not, I can't paint my nails and I bite them when I'm stressed out (which is almost always). I prefer to hang with the guys because they don't squeal and bitch about useless shit or get in fights about going to the bathroom with each other. I hate crossing my legs, sweatpants are sexy to me, and my favorite television show is not Glee, One Tree Hill, or Gossip Girl.

Well that's enough for today. Some of us have to work on Sundays you know!


A long overdue Dose of Teen