Adventures with my Father

Now to those of you who know me understand that my dad and I have a very special relationship. We bond over chicken piccata, he collects spiders from the garage and leaves them on my bed, and we both own cowboy boots.

I am going to share some of our more interesting memories in which we experienced while being "roommates.

I had the pleasure of spending an entire summer living with my dad before my sophomore year of college. I learned that his snoring can be heard from the other side of the house with 3 different doors closed and that I should never leave underwear that says, "SHUTUP AND KISS ME" in the dryer where my he will find them. To be fair when I bought them I really had no idea they said that.

 My dad is known as "The  Aggravater" or "Cupcake". "Aggravater Dad" does things like chase me around the house with a spider trapped under glass and a piece of paper while I spray pledge at him until he corner's me and throws the spider at me as I shriek in fear of the eight legged beast. Nearly in tears as my dad is pissing himself laughing so hard he shows me that its just a fake spider drawn on the computer paper. What an asshole right?

Well later that evening I was sitting in the computer room when I can hear my father pawing through the kitchen. This is how he earned the nickname, "Cupcake". I instantly knew what he was looking for. His favorite lady in the whole world. 

Debbie, you're a trifalin hoe.

 LITTLE DEBBIE. Those of you who do not know me, I find the need to hide things people should not have. As a child I would stow my mom's cigarettes in various locations, I once hid an ex-boyfriends chain wallet from him in his own bedroom because it was hideious and I didn't want to be seen with a Jax Teller wannabe, and you bet I hide the Hostess/Little Debbie artery clogging confections from my father.

People just don't understand I am just trying to protect them. Anywho, I can hear dad hunting for his tasty treats, pour himself a tall glass of milk and make his way over to the computer room. 

"Chrisssssteeeeeeeena" he whines. 

"Where are the Little Debbies!?!?"

He sounds desperate. I can hear him inching closer. I'm smirking because he will never find them. That's when I heard it. The slip, the bang, the crashing of the cup to the floor. I stop in my tracks, stunned for a moment, worried that my dad is incapacitated and I am the only one who can save him.

I erupt from the chair to the doorway where I see my dad Shamu style on the floor clutching his hand.

Shamu Style

"Fuck" I thought, "His arm is broken". 

He looks up at me with tears in his eyes and cries out, " Myyyyyyyy pinnnnnkkkyyyy". All while clutching his hand in complete and utter pain. I couldn't believe it, my dad is not a small guy, he is relatively masculine, and he was sitting there in shambles over his pinky finger?

That's when I lost it. For a good 45 minutes I could not stifle my laughter. After cleaning up the spilled milk, getting him a band aid and cleaning his "wound" I was still hysterical.  He was getting angrier and angrier. He claims he fell where I had sprayed pledge at him that morning during the spider fiasco.  Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but I like to call that karma.

Sharing embarassing stories about my family members is only okay if I tell you about not so shining moments of mine. So some of you may know that I am a 'little bit' (being an understatement) of a country fan. My lovely father to whom I just spoke of bought me VIP tickets to go see Brad Paisley at Seacoast Country Fest (probably still feeling bad about tormenting me with bugs 2 years ago). 

Well my friend and I started drinking at 3pm...Unfortunately we never actually made it to our seats and I will never know what was in my "VIP gift bag". But I can tell you that my cell phone died at the end of the concert and I was left running back and forth around Scarborough downs searching for my dad who was picking up his "mature & sophisticated" 21 year old daughter. In this time I managed to give my number to a hot guy when I was supposed to be finding my dad, stopped a woman in her car to drunkenly borrow her cell phone (turns out she knew me when I was a baby..go figure)..and then I hopped on a golf cart with event security and made him weave through traffic to find the escalade in the disaster of cars waiting to leave Scarborough Downs.  He dropped me off, I popped myself into the back seat, buckled up, looked at my father and demanded he get me a cheeseburger. Who did I think I was David Hasselhoff?  The funny thing is he really did speed off to Wendy's along with 78% of the concert attendees just to get me a late night drunken snack. On the way I suddenly realized I had to pee. It was urgent. Incredibly urgent and I began to yell very loudly.This is where I have to make my dad pull behind Dunkin Donuts so I can pee behind their dumpster in the woods. I am lucky I didn't come face to face with a skunk. Eventually I got my cheeseburger and the next morning I noticed a trail of bacon leading from the car to the house so I am assuming I enjoyed it. I'm sure my dad enjoyed watching me scurry behind a dumpster to pee and my belligerent yelling about fast food because who wouldn't want a daughter who is just that cla$$y?

Well there you have it, a glimpse into my super special relationship with Johnny D. Be jealous that your dad doesn't dance to Michael Jackson in his towel  or organize your jewelry box when he's bored.

A Daughter Dose of Teen

How to make any girl fall in love with you..

Hello Gentleman,

I am here to give some great advice with a shit-oad of sarcasim and a mild tone of bitchyness all for the greater good of men and woman on this earth. Aren't I just the best!

HOW TO MAKE WOMAN FALL IN LOVE WTH YOU, or at least like you a lot.

Instant swoon, I bet he never leaves wet towels on the bed!

Really guys I feel like we all need to know what makes women just absolutely swoon over you or you know at least want to sleep with you on the regular. Also I should point out I'm not talking about the easy girls. You know the ones you meet at the bar, makeout with, take home, and "casually sleep with" while she thinks you're dating. Thouh I am sure they are SO MUCH FUN! I'm not talking about just sex. I'm talking about the chase, the awkward should I hold your hand..is it okay if I kiss her courting, and some sort of actual relationship. Also, if this doesn't work, she really doesn't have any interest in you. Go find some random woman at the bar, you'll survive. You're a man, hunt and gather some ladies!

First thing is first lets talk about appearances. Now we all know once you are in a relationship it's perfectly okay to look like a slob from time to time. But if you seriously want a girl to consider you please put a little effort in to yourself. Fix your facial hair (if you can grow any) , buy some new kicks every once in a while, and wear clothes that fit. Do not wear your glow in the dark ghetto ganster shirt the first time you see this chick, make sure there isn't a stain on your shirt, and throw the goddamn shirt n the dryer to loosen a few wrinkles. SO EASY, SO APPRECIATED.

Make fun of us. By make fun, I mean poke fun. No do not poke our "love handles". Do not embarass us in front of everyone but making  joke about how much useless stuff is in our handbag or how messy our car is can be cute. Just don't call us fat. Ever. Especially when were eating.

If we think tuna is chicken, feel free to harass us.



Kittens=Boobies. Beer is yummy.

Follow our cues..for example if I laugh at something you say and touch your leg that means I wouldn't mind if you touched me..(no don't go straight for my kittens, be a little discreet you horn-ball, it's called affection not groping) If we say how much we love Red's ice-cream suggest we go grab some vanilly crunch coat cones, if we walk in front of you, check out our ass...get it? I hope so. Also, if my beer is empty, please hand me another one.
Complement something about us. If you really wanna earn extra points make it original. But anything from ,"I like your earrings" to "you're legs looks great in that dress" works for us.
Deep down were all attention whores.

Make a joke, do something stupid..please do not show off.  It's not sexy to watch a guy get in a fight. Don't try to seem cool and tough around your friends cause then we are going to know how much of an insecure pansy you are. Unless someone insults my shoes. Then feel free to brawl.

But honestly, humor and being okay with being a little silly go a long way. It shows us your comfortable with who you are.



This is cute.

This is not.

Don't be afraid to show off your nerdy side too. If you know all of the presidents in alphabetical order or collect Spider-man comics we're only going to find you more endearing. Except of course if you collect actual spiders and dress up like George Washington for Halloween, wig wooden teeth and all.



If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything. Remember that. If you abuse it she won't be laughing and neither will her angry girl posse either.



Make some decisions. I think especially around my age bracket (18-30) women make a lot of the decisions about what you're going to do in your relationship/dating life. Guess what, we don't like it all that much. For once pick the movie, the restaurant, tell me that we're going to watch some football game in the freezing cold weather. Half the time it doesn't even depend where we're going. We just want to snap a picture, post it on Facebook, and make everyone else feel jealous we have a hot boyfriend and are doing way cooler shit than they are.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE, just ask us what we want!!!

She loves her new bikini, handbag, and flowers!

I just had this conversation the other day. A girl's boyfriend bought her Celtics tickets for her birthday. She thought, "Wow I'd really like to go to a Celtics game but that cute Victoria's Secret bathing suit I've been hinting at for a month was less expensive and something I would have got a lot more use out of." If your dating someone would you rather see them in jeans and a t shirt or a skimpy swimsuit...hmmm tough choice? We drop hints ALL the time. Just put a reminder in your phone or ask your mom what to get us. It's so simple!



Do not put wet towels on the bed. Maybe this is just me. But my god I will love you forever if you never leave towels on my bed..even more..if you make it..okay..too much..understandable.

Shut us up by kissing us. It's a foolproof method when we go into ramble mode. You're guaranteed to make us go quiet if we actually can't talk.

Okay, so these MAY not make someone fall in love with you...but they certainly will help things go a whole hell of a lot smoother.

Enjoy your dose of love, happiness, and not so happy endings

Teen

So I've started to write a book..

Here's a hint..

It's about a boy.