Why it SUCKS to be a girl

Now gentleman, you cannot under any circumstances be angry at me about this one. Why? Because I already posted a blog about the shitty things that you have to deal with in life. I also REALLY do feel bad that you're not allowed to cry and when you get excited something pokes out of your pants for all the world to see.

But I am a lady. Okay, scratch that. I am a female. No seriously I am a lady. A man bowed to me just the other day. No that's not fucking weird...okay, maybe just a little.

ANYWAY...

The fact that I have ovaries and boobies and from time to time (or once EVERY MONTH for almost my entire life) they cause me lots of pain and maybe even one day will cause me 9 months and around 12+ hours of excruciating pain due to your stupid swimmers gives me the right to make a solid case on why is blows the big one (no pun intended) to be a girl.

1. You bleed at innapropriate times: On my 12th birthday I received a gift. The worst gift in the history of mankind. Besides the time my best friend gave me hair clips for Christmas or when my mom bought me a belly shirt when I was chubby 3rd grader. Mother nature hailed down from her mighty high horse and turned me into a woman. As much of a woman you can be at age 12 I supposed. As if I wasn't awkward enough with my red hair, gap tooth, and love for the power ranges I was blessed with Ant Flo.

Flo' feels the need to come during the most inconvenient times.

Like when you're no where near a bathroom, wearing tight white shorts, and with your friend and her dad.

On the plane on the way to your Senior Spring Break trip to The Bahamas.

During your lacrosse game, while you're guarding the most furious and wolflike female you've ever seen.

Just before your first date with this super hot guy wait... this obviously doesn't matter because NO self-respecting woman would sleep with a guy on their first date! No matter how Greek Godly he is. And this especially doesn't matter to me because I do not get asked out on dates.

Whatever, you get the picture. Feeling like your insides are being squeezed like a wet kitchen towell, while bloated with a giant zit right between your eyebrows is FUCKING AWFUL.

2. Men's ability to be NATURALLY pretty: Guys, I am so freaking envious that you can pop out of the shower all wet and drippy looking incredibly freaking sexy. You know what we look like? Drowned muskrats. Blotchy, bleeding (from slipping on the shaving cream mid-shave), and our hair..it is either dripping uncomfortably all over our back or in a turbie twist making us look like this guy.

All you do is fucking put on a pair of jeans, sneakers, and a t shirt and look awesome. We must then 'style our hair' , put on a bunch of makeup, squeeze into the worlds tightest jeans, a pushup bra, and some sort of shirt that makes us look more fashionable and sexy than the other bitches at the bar. Do you know how long it takes to master eyeliner? No, because you don't freaking NEED it.

Is this every unmarried woman's future?

3.  Not wanting to get MARRIED: If a guy says he doesn't want to get married he's the super cool bachelor who will always 'slay' hot chicks never having to live life 'on the leash'. When woman says that all of a sudden we are transformed into the creepy cat lady who is a baby hating alien with no wish to make sandwiches every morning at 5am for her 3 children while her husband snores upstairs in their egyptian cotton sheets.

4. Tights: Some men may actually wear tights and that's fine, you can totally sympathize. But when I was a kid I wanted to claw my mom's eyes out every holiday, communion, dumb family event she made me wear tights for. They are itchy, they fall down, and they cut off your circulation. As little boys you wore chinos, a Tommy hilfiger button up, and a sweater vest. That sounds to put it simply, like heaven.

She uses her boobs to pay off her college education!

5. I was going to talk about how it sucks to have boobs. But then I seriously reconsidered it. Boobs are powerful creatures. They help you to find your way out of a speeding ticket, get a couple of extra chicken nuggets at Wendys, and men are OBSESSED with them. If you learn to use your bubby powers the right way the occational soreness and wearing a bra don't seem like that big of a deal.

6. The cute, funny, fat girl will never be liked as much as the cute, funny, fat guy. Because she's a girl and it's sad that she's over-weight and not funny when she makes fun of herself because she's just insecure and hiding her true feelings. Such a bunch of bull. Men get away with being chubba's a lot easier than woman can.

7. Multitasking: It's hard for a guy to watch tv and have a conversations with you at the same time. Well I can make a three course meal, read a chapter for finance, watch Grey's Anatomy, fold laundry, and talk on the phone all at once. You may be thinking, "That doesn't suck at all". Well yes it does. Because woman are expected to do infinitely more things than men. If a guy wakes up at noon, showers, writes a paper, and drinks 10 beers that is considered to be a "productive" day. If I did that I would be a useless POS.

"Ahh, what a successful day, let me reward myself with a beer...or 20."

8. We have to marry you: You hairy, messy, loogie hocking, farting, angry, hornballs. And we take care of you, bear your children, all with a smile on our face. (I think it's because we're in love with you, but I'm not 100% because I think love is stupid and non-existant)

9. We push a 6-12 pound human being out of our vagina.

10.  See nine, about 10 more times.
 

Anywho, I still like being a girl more than a guy because of all the great benefits of having boobs.

Also, Boys you may notice that I KINDLY didn't mention that you can sleep with however many woman you want and be "THE MAN" but girls are whores. Mostly because you are way more discrete, composed, and tactful in your skanky decisions. I can respect that.Girls who sleep with three dudes in the same frat house really are whores and I cannot respect that. You at least have the decency to sleep with one girl from each athletic team or to not throw a fit at the bar when all three of your past hookups show up with a new girl.


Peace, Love, and Vagina's,

Teen

Hookups: In retrospect

My thoughts on hookups have changed darastically since freshman year of college. Here's a nice little story.

I believe a lot of college students begin this transformation sometime near the end of their sophomore year and beginning of their junior. At 18 new to the 'being on your own thing' (aka living in a dorm with a bunch of people your age, getting money from mom and dad every month and having a meal plan.) We were like hungry children in the candy store. Anything and everything was acceptable. We didn't much care what kind of candy it was just as long as it tasted good. So we picked our treats and woke up the next morning as they scampered on out.

Soon enough that feeling would come. Well, there are three 'feelings'. The sugar high would kick and you would find yourself crashing. You're left with a nasty headache from your over-indulgence and potentially the regret of too much sugar. Or perhaps you realize that the candy isn't that great and your instantly over it's brief endorphin rush. Sometimes, the candy becomes an addiction. Something you fiend for, a daily fix. But lets remember that's just what it is. You're 'fix'. That tasty treat you purchase in the bakery and devour in your car; disposing of the bag before anyone can see, is just dessert.

Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with sampling a nice chocolate ganache but just remember that you deserve your main entree. Don't forget that somewhere out there you have a slow braised osso bucco over risotto waiting for you. Dessert may be your weakness from time to time but the main entree, that's what fills you up. Remember that.


A Retrospective Dose of Teen

The Toast

So my mom got married yesterday evening, I know some of you take pride in the fact that I normally am a heartless bitch making fun of the inner workings of my crappy relationships or hating on men. Deep down, I may even be serious!


Since I was the maid of honor at my mother's wedding I had to dig down deep in my tiny grinch heart to come up with the proper words to describe her and her new husbands love for one another. (Happy people, gagging noises ensue)



The Toast:
When I was growing up my mom was the person who nagged at you repeatedly to put on an ironed shirt and pair of jeans before leaving the house. Once I was grown up she reminded me not to drink too many beers out at night with my friends. In Rick and I’s case both these things still happen.
Since Wendy brought me into this world I have no choice but to listen to her. However, Rick does not. But that's the kind of guy Rick is, he figured something out in two years what it took me 17 years to figure out. That my mother is always right and without her in our lives we would be drunk and wrinkly.


I am so lucky to have a mother that is not only my caretaker but my best friend. She taught me that patience, kindness, and responsibility are some of the most important virtues a person can possess. This is why I am not surprised that she chose to marry a man that possess’ all of these qualities. Any man that lets three 21 year old girls invade his home, take his SUV to Orlando, tries all of my culinary creations, and makes the bed every morning is not someone you pass up.


What I’m trying to say is all we really want is someone who accepts us for our obsessive cleaning habits or preference for over-cooked meat. Someone who loves us no matter what. Someone who will kiss our seven heads at night telling us everything will be okay. I am so happy that my mom and Rick have found that in each other.
I wish you a lifetime of happiness, cheers!




Okay, so maybe I'm not heartless after all. But at least I'm still a bitch.


A Wedding Dose of Teen