Get ready kids, this is a good one. *Note: I a posting this from a bus on my way to NYC via my blackberry, pictures and links will be up within the next week.
Another sidenote: THE BUS JUST BROKE DOWN! Awesome.
One time I decided to go visit my boyfriend (now an ex obviously, I'm a walking train wreck and the fact that we were two INCREDIBLY different people. Imagine a hippy and a business woman trying to date). Any who he went to college in Orono, ME aka where The University of Maine is. This was about a 2 hour drive from my hometown of Sopo (read awesome blog on sopo here).
Since I was 'so young' and the drive was 'so long' my mother strongly suggested I bring a friend with me. And by strongly suggested I mean I had no other choice. But my boyfriend was a little socially awkward so I really agreed a fun friend could only enhance the situation.
In addition to forcing me to bring a friend she also was determined my car would self destruct inspector gadget style within minutes of the 'really long journey'. My super sexy ford escort the vintage age of 1998 was banned from the roads of Northern Maine. I was to take her white suv. We switched cars at work (Hannaford, of course).
With Emily in the passenger seat and me at the wheel we hit the road (after a brief run in with a median strip in the Marshalls parking lot..I swear I didn't see it.) About 15 minutes into our voyage screaming at the top of our lungs to Pink's I'm not dead album Wendy calls. Her tone is frighteningly furious. (Anyone who knows my mom understands how freakin' scary she can be).
"Christina, I am in shock right now. I just cannot believe you"
"Uhhh...I'm sorry, what are you talking about..." (me extremely confused)
I'm thinking, she's probably disappointed that I hadn't vacuumed my car.
"I just cannot believe this...."
Long pause.
"What the HELL are you talking about"
Now I'm seriously concerned.
"There is marijuana in your car!!!!"
Cue me instantly laughing.
"Mom, I can assure you there is no marijuana in my car."
"CHRISTINA MARY!! Do not lie to me, I am looking right at it, it's still on the bud!'
Me laughing...
"...Mom I don't even know what that means..."
Meanwhile I'm seriously wondering how she knows this.
"Don't play dumb I'm staring at it, turn around you are not going Orono."
"Ok mom, I will turn around to prove to you that whatever you have found in my car is not weed"
So as I'm driving back...I'm starting to wonder if I smoke weed? Do I have a split personality who loves to get high and eat large amounts unhealthy snack foods? Am I unknowingly a psychotic pot head? Did that girl who hates me for stealing her boyfriend try to frame me? Government Conspiracy?
So I finally arrive at the gas station to meet my mom and get out of the car and into my sexy escy.
My mom shoves this crusty green thing in my face very assertively. As if she is Queen of Botany and I am a lowly gum shoe.
I take one look at it and stare at her in disbelief. I am utterly shocked. I can't even laugh because it isn't funny.
Why?
Because it's fucking dried up lettuce. My mom found dried up lettuce from a sandwich in my car and had me thinking I belonged in a mental institution or the government was setting me up. Over a piece of boston bibb lettuce.
Now put some Romaine in your pipe and smoke it.
xo Teen
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