Because sometimes guys actually say something worthy of my praise and appreciation..
"We're the only species that literally does things that don't make any sense. Everything else does something because it serves a purpose. We'd rather do something to make someone think something else than actually do or tell them what we want. Very dumb."
What do women want? What a perplexing and over-whelming subject to tackle. Guys have been absolutely clueless about this since I don't know the dawn of time? I’ll let you in on a little secret. Most of the time we have no fucking clue what we want either. We mostly know what we don’t want.
However lucky for you I am going to try to dig deep down into my non-existent feelings and come up with a few general things that the ladies really do want. Besides an all black Range Rover, Christian Louboutins, and a REALLY big .....boat. To Laugh...a lot: I’ve said it before “If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything”
I have found no exception to this rule (even myself). I’m not talking about giggling or those excruciatingly painful fake laughs either. It’s the kind that makes it so she can’t breath, she snorts, and has to grab your leg for support because yes, you are bringing her to her knees (MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER A-HOLES) Really there is nothing better. We don’t want to sit in bed at night and talk about the GDP (please if you don’t know what this is google it, and never ask me out on a date.) We want you to make goofy faces and accents that make us want to sleep with you even more than we already want to. So don’t be afraid to make yourself look like an idiot, that again ONLY makes you more attractive (unless it’s the bad kind like trying to convince us butt-sex is romantic or making out with someone right in front of us...) Even then we’re going to have to laugh because who calls butt-sex romantic? Or says something like, well she went 90% so I was obligated to go 10%. Oh by the way that’s stolen from Hitch.
For you to understand that we are indeed “fucking crazy” but to never EVER think of calling us this. Only we can reference ourselves as “nuts”, “crazy”, or “psycho”. You, as the man who wants to be with us better freakin' love us for our random rants about the stupidity of people who do not put their blinker on before turning
(SERIOUSLY WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM DID YOU NOT
TAKE DRIVERS ED? HAVE YOU NEVER OPERATED A VEHICLE BEFORE!?) or how we freak out and jump in the air with excitement, even “attempting” to do the moonwalk when something really good happens. On the other end of the spectrum we reserve the right to crawl into the fetal position and sob uncontrollably when our day goes absolutely terrible. Please bring us tissues, some tylenol, water, and lots of kisses when this happens. If you don’t think you can handle any of this or all of this you should probably no longer date women.
Attention: JESUS CHRIST JUST TELL ME YOU THINK I’M PRETTY. How many times do I have to smile affectionately or lean over in this v-neck with this uncomfortable over-priced Victoria’s Secret bra. How about you complement my incredibly smart comment on the basketball game that I’ve been waiting to use for a week or how I seem to know everything about the Tyrannosaurus Rex? Please don’t make me beg for it. Wanna know a real killer move? Look in our eyes, putting that annoying piece of hair that always seems to fall in our face behind our ear, looking into our eyes, and kiss us. Dear god, that is the epidimey of attention. Please feel free to throw pillows at us, tickle us, and annoyingly poke us...until we get “fake mad” as well.
At least one John Cusack worthy life moment: You know how he puts the radio over his head below the girls window to express his undying love for her? I think every girl has their own version of this moment in their life. I will let you in on mine and then deny that I ever said it.
It’s a really crappy rainy day (yet somehow my hair still looks amazing, full of life, and is repelling water) but in reality I am soaked to the bone because of course I didn’t know it was going to rain and I wore neither a jacket or brought an umbrella, there are grocery bags in my hands and I am beyond frustrated because I had to go back into the store 3 times after forgetting the necessary items for a new recipe I have been dying to make. I am pissed off because some bonehead I am dating has been jerking me around for several months with his inability to commit when all of a sudden as I’m frantically trying to find my house keys (getting them while in the car clearly was too smart of a decision) and I look up to my super stud-ly handsome, looks great in the rain, man person to whom I really want to punch in the face is standing there in the rain (with an umbrella because he KNOWS I don’t check the weather). He drops said umbrella and I’m standing there awkwardly holding my groceries..he of course takes them from my hands and gently places them on the ground..only to then grab my face with his hands and give me a kiss worthy of making my me wet my pants. (I’ll just let that one sit). No need for words here, the kiss says it enough, oh and the fact that I look like a drowned muskrat with mascara running down her face and he still wants to touch me is just the icing on the cake.
For you to have your FUCKING shit together: There are two forms of this BTW
1.There is nothing we hate more than being jerked around or waiting around for you to figure out what you what. If you have no idea what you want please don’t drag us around aimlessly with you like some security blanket. Sure we would love to help you make life decisions, weigh in on the things your not sure of. But if your changing your mind about us from one week to the next just do everyone a favor and cut the chord.
Ladies, if he isn't returning the warmth, toss ice on his balls.
2. If you are constantly broke, don’t have a car, can’t seem to ever do your own laundry, the place in which you reside looks like an atomic bomb went off in it and we are afraid to pee in your bathroom, your idea of a home-cooked meal is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on some stale bread and some jelly you stole from your roommate, you get obscenely drunk every weekend and either get in a fight, wet yourself, or act like a complete douche bag towards us then guess what YOU DON’T HAVE IT TOGETHER and it is time for us to say buh bye. Or call him and play this song on his Voicemail.
THE BIG KAHUNA: Security/Love
Now I know everyone thinks I am an extremely heartless person (please have a chat with my best friends and you will realize that is totally not the case).
I just understand the difference between “OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY!!!” and “I will always be here for you even when I want to punch you in the face and you make it incredibly difficult or something terribly bad happens like you get cancer or we file for bankruptcy”. Love is not sunshine and rainbows. It is an everyday compromise that you and another person make because you couldn’t imagine making those tough decisions with anyone else. Well ya know the ever-lasting kind. There are plenty of other kinds that are really great and really fun, but I’m pretty sure that the aforementioned is the only kind that can last a lifetime and the whole entire reason why we get so damn frustrated about this topic in the first place.Enough about that...
Let’s be real. Women are no picnic. No day at the sun-shiney beach...what we really want it to know that you’re there for us. That even though we are incredibly strong independent people you still want to protect us from the bad in the world...even if it’s in the form of a super scary eight legged creature in which is causing us to take refuge on the living room coffee table. We want you to feel a little over-protective when someone says something terrible about us or some guy hits on us right in front of you! We want to know when you are not in bed with us that you are going to bed ALONE (as in WITHOUT anyone else) and we want to be sure of that. No doubts whatsoever that Selena the Slut isn’t paying you a little visit at 2am. That’s security.
So there you have it. What women REALLY want from you. Yes it’s a lot to ask for. But so is the fact that we will bear your children and remember your mom’s birthday even though we can’t stand her?
So I bet everyone is expecting a super angry man bashing post where I’m obsessively drinking my wine with my sweatpants up to my sports bra while wearing an over-sized t shirt crying into a tub of Ben and Jerry. Well first of all I would never cry into a tub of Ben and Jerry because that would ruin the delicious taste of the ice-cream.
Long hair, don't care.
Secondly, I’m actually allergic to dairy products (which in all honesty doesn’t stop me). Well, being the stubborn bitter bitch I am, I abso-FUCKING-lutely refuse to be the stereo-typical single betch on Valentine’s Day. So Valentine’s Day isn’t your favorite holiday...who gives a fuck? So your single? Oh boohoo.
I’ve got far bigger fish to fry than to sit around moping about how no one care about me enough to take me out to dinner, buy me roses, and expects me to go home and sleep with them in some over priced lingerie. HOW ORIGINAL.
Plus there are a lot of people out there who really do care about you. So what if it’s your mom. That lady gave birth to you. She picked you up when you fell off your bike and made sure you had new clothes every school year. That’s far better than some lame Russell Stovers chocolate that you take one bite out of and casually spit it out because it taste like cough syrup.
So much cuter than that photo of you and your boyfriend making out.
Oh and your friends. The kind of people who text dumb boys calling them “douches” for you or buy you “BEST FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS” Valentines day cards. MAYBE they even send you an entire POUND of chocolate in the mail..if you're lucky!
So they can’t feel you up or put their tongue in your mouth (well, depending on who your friends are). But they do know all your strange habits, amazing talents, and every dumb decision you made last weekend. Even better, they love you anyway. I think that kind of love and support is a bit more deep and meaningful than some over-priced dinner with someone who probably pisses you off more than they make you happy.
Yes, I am getting a lap dance from Tommy Thundah.
Your pet also cares about you. Granted they have no choice because you provide the food, water, and belly rubs. Sometimes I prefer to snuggle with my blind dog, who barely recognized me, and wets himself over a guy because he’s been in my life for 16 years WHICH is far longer than any romantic relationship I will ever have...and he probably isn’t going to make it to 17. Must cherish his snoring and obsessive barking. He also used to out-run me and ALWAYS be wherever I was walking when I was little inevitably tripping me while I had a drink in my hand causing me to go ass over tea kettle while chocolate milk rained down on me. Those are precious memories.
WHAT a handsome little devil.
Being alone isn’t all that awful. Sometimes there’s nothing better than to take up the entire bed while praying you dream about Ryan Goslings perfectly chiseled body....on yours. Or for the guys who actually read this blog Adrianna Lima...(god is there anything wrong with that girl?)
TAKE DRIVERS ED? HAVE YOU NEVER OPERATED A VEHICLE BEFORE!?) or how we freak out and jump in the air with excitement, even “attempting” to do the moonwalk when something really good happens. On the other end of the spectrum we reserve the right to crawl into the fetal position and sob uncontrollably when our day goes absolutely terrible. Please bring us tissues, some tylenol, water, and lots of kisses when this happens. If you don’t think you can handle any of this or all of this you should probably no longer date women.
