1. When girls don't stop complaining
Might have to punch myself a few times on that one (this entire post is me complaining, while watching Harry Potter, eating chocolate covered nuts, drowning myself in red wine). BUT really, I get it life is really difficult chasing after some guy who is totally uninterested in you and you're having a SERIOUSLY bad hair day. You stubbed your toe, there's no more diet coke in the fridge, and NO ONE is answering your texts. Chock it up as a loss and shut the fuck up.
2. When I'm trying to be cool and I look like this
Yes that is a bag of tostitos that I brought to bed aka futon with me.
3. Sean Paul. I can't explain it. Wait, no yes I can. CORN ROWS ARE NEARLY AS BIG OF A FASHION SIN as fanny packs and sweat shorts. No I will not shake that thing. You are so stupid it's silly Sean Paul.
4. When my wine glass is empty. I wish I was Harry Potter's girlfriend so he could set a charm for a never ending glass of wine. SWOON. That would be the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.
5. Feelings. Honestly, they are unnecessary and make me extremely uncomfortable. You know how Natalie Portman talks about having a peanut allergy to relationships? I HAVE THAT! When boys say nice things to me it makes me very uncomfortable and I want to vomit and I get really freaked out and run away just like this.
Also, I dream of the day when Ashton Kutcher or Justin Timberlake decide to have casual sex with me. Then they fall deeply and irrevocably in love with me. (COULD DEFINITELY/ONE DAY/REALLY SOON HAPPEN) and I can sing bleeding love while crying, eating donuts in my car.
6. Shaving my legs I manage to lose about 10 gallons of blood 3 out of 10 times I put my trusty venus in my hand. AND men don't even appreciate it. Gentleman, a fucking THANK YOU wouldn't hurt. We are taking 15 minutes out of our busy day to keep your legs soft as cashmere, nearly dying in the process, and always missing a spot (the world is out to get us one leg hair at a time obviously)
7. When you have to poop in a place in which you are not comfortable pooping. OH SHUSH. EVERYBODY POOPS.
8. MEN...why do men think its a good idea to get drunk and use electric saws? Why don't men understand my FABULOUS jokes and that my over-sized nana sweaters are GORGEOUS? Why do men like IHOP so freakin' much? Why do guys pick slores over nice girls? Why do you like to pick me up when you drink? Why do you eat so much, all the time? Why do you insist on hurting my friends? Why do you suck SO MUCH?!
9. When I push a door that is clearly labeled pull. GETS. ME. EVERY. TIME.
GO AWAY BITCH.
10. When Harry Potter chose the wrong ginger. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. SHE'S SUCH A SLUT. Not really, I'm being a little dramatic. She seems like a nice girl and all but SHE'S THE WRONG GIRL GOD DAMNIT.
Ladies (put your crush in this sentence and you will understand my fury.)
By the way I'm only sort of sorry about all the Harry Potter references.
You know when you wakeup after a long night of drinking and you feel like you fell out of a plane without a parachute. Not to mention the person you brought home is NOT nearly as SMOKIN' as you thought the night before.
1. If you drink copious amounts of booze and have a meal plan you will get fat.
Just being a fatty.
That is if the only exercise is your daily walk from your dorm room to the dining hall is the only exercise you participate in. Not to mention the late night dash for fried chicken and pizza and then later drowning your drunken munchies in peanut butter and fluff coated saltines. Just trust me. Losing my "blubber" (clever term for FAT) that I accumulated these past four years was not exactly "fun". Also, if you spill sardines on the floor at night do not leave that shit for the morning, your room will smell like ass for a week. So put the fork down and skip the ice cream sundae bar more often than not. Your body is a temple god damnit. Make exercise your pseudo friend you pretend to like because she has a lake house.
2. The first guy you meet in college will probably not be your boyfriend.
I remember the situation to a T. Classic case of confused freshman. He was in my Intro to Hospitality class and I happened to accidentally sit next to him cruising into class late one day. I was sweaty, disoriented, and might have fallen asleep on him but for some reason or another he was still interested in talking to me. Before I knew it he was in my dorm til the wee hours snuggling me because I was sick, I was getting dressed up for class so he'd be impressed by my sweet eyeliner and lipgloss skills, going to his sporting events, and even making out with him at the rugby house. Little did I know that NONE of those things meant a guy wanted to have a relationship with you. SILLY FRESHMAN! Please, learn from my failures.
I think this is how I pictured my "budding" romance with Rugby Man..frolicking in the grass in my tutu.
THEN after 3 YEARS and several failed attempts with men...
3. The more you hate men the more they want to date you
I never used to get asked out on dates, ever..seriously...ever. But this past year it's been really bizarre, boys seem to want to be nice to me and buy me drinks, and food, and do activities with me in PUBLIC! Perhaps I suddenly got really cool....no that's really fucking doubtful. But seriously, the angrier this blog got the more you men became interested in hanging out with me. Did you have high hopes of proving me wrong? Because not one of you did. Did you just want to see if the bitter bitch would accept your "kind gesture"? Was it a clever little game? I did a little research and I heard it's all about the "challenge". Apparently because I hate boys and their stupid penises that makes me MORE ATTRACTIVE to you! You want what you can't have or something proverby like that, I supposed. Chasing after things is REALLY FUN right? Doesn't that get tiring? Can't we just stop and get some ice cream and talk about puppies or something? This shit is exhausting.
4. Men are beyond challenged
From the guy who made out with a girl right in front of me, the dude who cheated on his girlfriend with me, the other dude who cheated on his girlfriend with me (I DIDN'T KNOW I SWEAR!), the bartender who forgot to mention he was hooking up with my old roommate, the guy who credit carded me at the bar, the boy who dropped more one liners than a comedian, to the ex boyfriend who told me he hoped I enjoyed sleeping with everyone at UNH when I broke up with him (by the way I TOTALLY did, even the staff too!). Why do these things always happen? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Please, screw me over!". Then again thank you, you fuel the passion of my angry, bitter, evil blog in which I rip you to shreds. Ladies, just accept their handicap and pray you start to like girls.
5. Starbucks Cups cannot be microwaved.
THEY WILL BURN. Why did I nearly catch fire to so many before this sunk in? Put it in a mug, microwave...no smoke...why is that so hard to grasp?
6. TALK TO YOUR PARENTS AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK.
These people are footing a huge part of your education TYPICALLY. Fill them in. I even told my mom about some of my drinking adventures. Though she was not OVERLY impressed with me she did then share stories and tips on shot gunning beers when she was 14. I know, my mom's the BEST! College is a time when your a pseudo-adult and your parents will treat you like one too. HAVE A FUCKING CONVERSATION WITH THEM EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE.
7. I did not need to buy cute pajamas
Oh, that's how you look in the morning? I hate you.
For some reason I was CONVINCED that I needed to spend money on really cute pjs so people in the dorms would think I was some put together, matching pajama wearing girl, who washes her face EVERY single night before going to bed. WELL FUCK THAT. Because that's not me. You're lucky if I'm wearing pants and if the shirt doesn't have a hole in it. And sometimes I'm a little too lazy to take my makeup off. My best friend tells me this "bad habit" will turn me into a old hag in no time if I keep it up to which she is probably right, bring on the cats. ANYWAYS, the moral of the story is don't try to be something your not. No one cares if your pajamas match.
8. Wine is delicious...and a great companion...the bottle was made for snuggling.
9. An education you WANT is priceless
Just make sure you're doing what you love. Sure I could be a doctor but you know what gets me excited? Trying to figure out a seating chart for 200 guests and going to farmer's markets. Everyone has something that they are passionate about...mine just happens to be brunch and floral arrangements. Just figure it out...don't just do something because it looks good.
10. Make friends with the bouncers/bartenders/DJs
"You sure do have a thing for bouncers don't you?!" was a comment from my friend the other day.. EVERYWHERE no matter what city you're in its super important to be polite yet funny with the bouncers, DJ's, bartenders. THEY ARE YOUR MEAL TICKET. I do not have a "thing" for bouncers, I manipulate them into thinking I have a thing for them (kidding..kind of). I just want them on my side if something bad were to happen in the bar, or I need to cut the line, or I need a big man to hug when I'm drunk & lonely, or if I want a free drinks....nom..free booze is awesome.
11. Do NOT be "THAT GIRL" at the party
By that girl I mean: the drunk crying bitch, the drunk bitch making out with every guy she sees, the drunk bitch puking on herself, the drunk bitch with no underwear in the teeny tiny dress, the drunk bitch who slaps a guy, the drunk bitch who throws beer on someone, the drunk bitch who thinks dancing on the table is a great idea and pulls a "Scarlet takes a tumble", the drunk bitch who does a split in the middle of a frat party (been there done that and I won't tell you the other one's I am guilty of)...
DEAR GOD SAVE YOURSELF THE EMBARRASSMENT..Every time I saw "THAT GIRL" (or occationally woke up and realized I was that girl) I cringed and prepared to watch the train wreck unfold (or listened while hanging my head in shame). Everyone may "look" like they are enjoying the "show" but really they are laughing...at you. No joke. People are mean. But honestly, doing a split on a dirty flor was a great idea. Good job Christina.
As you can see I gained a lot of valuable wisdom in college. I could talk to you about my real education but for some reason most of you guys aren't interested in the five mother sauces or Revenue per Available Room..so I think I'll stick with making my mom proud via the internet.
