Things that make me want to punch people in the face

1. When girls don't stop complaining
Might have to punch myself a few times on that one (this entire post is me complaining, while watching Harry Potter, eating chocolate covered nuts, drowning myself in red wine). BUT really, I get it life is really difficult chasing after some guy who is totally uninterested in you and you're having a SERIOUSLY bad hair day. You stubbed your toe, there's no more diet coke in the fridge, and NO ONE is answering your texts. Chock it up as a loss and shut the fuck up.

2. When I'm trying to be cool and I look like this 

Yes that is a bag of tostitos that I brought to bed aka futon with me. 

3. Sean Paul. I can't explain it. Wait, no yes I can. CORN ROWS ARE NEARLY AS BIG OF A FASHION SIN as fanny packs and sweat shorts. No I will not shake that thing. You are so stupid it's silly Sean Paul.

4. When my wine glass is empty. I wish I was Harry Potter's girlfriend so he could set a charm for a never ending glass of wine. SWOON. That would be the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.


5. Feelings. Honestly, they are unnecessary and make me extremely uncomfortable. You know how Natalie Portman talks about having a peanut allergy to relationships? I HAVE THAT! When boys say nice things to me it makes me very uncomfortable and I want to vomit and I get really freaked out and run away just like this.

Also, I dream of the day when Ashton Kutcher or Justin Timberlake decide to have casual sex with me. Then they fall deeply and irrevocably in love with me. (COULD DEFINITELY/ONE DAY/REALLY SOON HAPPEN) and I can sing bleeding love while crying, eating donuts in my car.

6. Shaving my legs I manage to lose about 10 gallons of blood 3 out of 10 times I put my trusty venus in my hand. AND men don't even appreciate it. Gentleman, a fucking THANK YOU wouldn't hurt. We are taking 15 minutes out of our busy day to keep your legs soft as cashmere, nearly dying in the process, and always missing a spot (the world is out to get us one leg hair at a time obviously)

7. When you have to poop in a place in which you are not comfortable pooping. OH SHUSH. EVERYBODY POOPS.

8. MEN...why do men think its a good idea to get drunk and use electric saws? Why don't men understand my FABULOUS jokes and that my over-sized nana sweaters are GORGEOUS? Why do men like IHOP so freakin' much? Why do guys pick slores over nice girls? Why do you like to pick me up when you drink? Why do you eat so much, all the time? Why do you insist on hurting my friends? Why do you suck SO MUCH?!


9. When I push a door that is clearly labeled pull. GETS. ME. EVERY. TIME.

GO AWAY BITCH. 

10. When Harry Potter chose the wrong ginger. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. SHE'S SUCH A SLUT. Not really, I'm being a little dramatic. She seems like a nice girl and all but SHE'S THE WRONG GIRL GOD DAMNIT.
Ladies (put your crush in this sentence and you will understand my fury.)

By the way I'm only sort of sorry about all the Harry Potter references.

You know when you wakeup after a long night of drinking and you feel like you fell out of a plane without a parachute. Not to mention the person you brought home is NOT nearly as SMOKIN' as you thought the night before.

I wish that for you all.

LOTS OF NON EXISTENT LOVE,

The Bitter Bitch.