Hey Guys, I am taking my blog to a new level this New Year (this is my most successful relationship with anything so I felt the need to fully commit to it). I will be creating my own website! It will still feature my bitter bitch rants (whew, I know a few of you were worried).
However there will be MUCH more... like recipes from my culinary explorations, fashion advice, restaurant reviews (to help those of you who actually get asked out on dates, unlike me), a wall of shame, and VIDEO blogs! Jenna Marbles watch out.
There is one big problem. I for once in my life am at a loss for words. A name! Any thoughts or ideas? Seriously, I'm asking for your help. You're the ones who read my nonsense.
Speaking of be on the lookout for my upcoming dual blogs Why I think marriage is Shitty Idea &Why Marriage is Awesome.Still struggling on why it's awesome but maybe I will get some inspiration by all of the over-done Christmas engagements and photos of couples with their dog in front of the Christmas tree.
Here are a few ideas we have come up with (we meaning my web slayer Aaron Harvey, seriously, he's completely writing my website from scratch and one of my bestest friends Miss Molly O.)
chocolateandstilettos.com
thesassybitchdish.com
christinadisanto.com (this seems a little boring to me...)
livelaughcook.com
livelaughihatemen.com (perhaps this may not be one of our better ideas...)
thesassygourmand.com
sassyinmystilettos.com
dailydoseof (anything but TEEN, because creepy men seem to think it's porn)
Basically I want the website to exemplify that I am sassy, I wear heels, and I like to eat...
Okay, put your thinking caps on people!
Monday, December 12, 2011
Thursday, December 8, 2011
Coming Home: The people you want to see and those well yeah..
You know what I'm talking about. It's break (Thanksgiving, Christmas..pick any holiday)...you're finally 21 and you get to go to your towns local 'hot' spots to grab drinks with your friends. You inevitably run into every person you went to high school with and then some.
My friend came up to me after the third night looked me in the eye and said "I can't do this anymore, I cannot have the same conversation with another person one more time."
Let me explain:
GIRLS
"Hiiiiii how areeeee you you looook soo great!" (embrace with hug)
"Where are you going to school again...oh nice what's your major!" (Half the shit you already know from facebook)
"Are you still with what's his face?"
"No we don't speak that cheating bastards his name." (cue in awkward moment)
"Have you seen (insert mutual friend name here)? "
"You haven't well they are around here somewhere!"
"Oh wow that's awesome!"
"Yeah I love coors light too!"
"Youuuu look so great did you lose weight?"
GUYS
"Hey man how's it going dude" (strange man embrace with some handshake, man hug, pound-it thingy I can't do)
"Yeah I have seen you in a minute"
"Just hanging out finishing up school, still playing hockey"
"Haha yeah been checkin' into the woodshed quite a bit with a couple of different bitties"
"Did you see what's her face"
"Yeah man did her tits get bigger or what?"
Then it's...
That girl who was too cool for you in high school suddenly says Hi or that guy you had a crush on as a freshman in high school buys you a drink and drunkenly starts hitting on you.
There are the people you would rather not see, the people you're indifferent about, and there's the few people who you run up to and leap into their arms of pure excitement. (Oh I'm sorry that's how I greet people I truly adore, maybe some of you still go for the hug but I prefer a dramatic scene similar to when Baby jumps into Patrick Swayzees (RIP) arms in Dirty Dancing.)
So you have your reunions, you smile deviously at that cute guy you want to make out with (what, no I've never done that!), you buy people you barely know shots, and at the end of the night you're a little exhausted from all of it. So many people stuffed into about 2.5 hours of loud music and overpriced drinks. There's the bumpin' and grindin, exchanging of numbers (most you will never use), and running around like a drunken idiot. Lets be honest, you wouldn't see 85% of these people if you weren't at this hole in the wall bar.
What I'm trying to say is we can't blame ourselves or anyone. Life happens. We grow up and we change. We all go off on our ways becoming strange little adults adventuring off on our own. We forget to keep in touch with each other. But every once in a while we get our shit together and we make it happen.
I learned that drinking 3 bottles of wine and eating massive amounts of pizza while reconnecting with my loud, crazy, friends is extremely more gratifying than standing in a crowded bar screaming to have a conversation. That late night trips to Burger King and car dancing like a nut job builds a better friendship than lifeless conversations with captain and cokes at the bar.
Somewhere along the line home changes. It's not the place you sleep anymore. It's that friend who knows your favorite candy and buys it for you just because, the person who helps you wash the dishes after a party, or backs your ass up even when you're blatantly wrong. They don't question it they just do. Those are the people you want in your life. Those are the people you would tackle to the dirty bar floor in embracing in a giant bear hug of love, affection, and potentially and STD or two if you're at the HOASIS.
So there it is. I do kind of sort of in my own twisted dysfunctional way...have a heart.
Now go fuck yourself.
My friend came up to me after the third night looked me in the eye and said "I can't do this anymore, I cannot have the same conversation with another person one more time."
Let me explain:
GIRLS
"Hiiiiii how areeeee you you looook soo great!" (embrace with hug)
"Where are you going to school again...oh nice what's your major!" (Half the shit you already know from facebook)
"Are you still with what's his face?"
"No we don't speak that cheating bastards his name." (cue in awkward moment)
"Have you seen (insert mutual friend name here)? "
"You haven't well they are around here somewhere!"
"Oh wow that's awesome!"
"Yeah I love coors light too!"
"Youuuu look so great did you lose weight?"
GUYS
"Hey man how's it going dude" (strange man embrace with some handshake, man hug, pound-it thingy I can't do)
"Yeah I have seen you in a minute"
"Just hanging out finishing up school, still playing hockey"
"Haha yeah been checkin' into the woodshed quite a bit with a couple of different bitties"
"Did you see what's her face"
"Yeah man did her tits get bigger or what?"
Then it's...
That girl who was too cool for you in high school suddenly says Hi or that guy you had a crush on as a freshman in high school buys you a drink and drunkenly starts hitting on you.
There are the people you would rather not see, the people you're indifferent about, and there's the few people who you run up to and leap into their arms of pure excitement. (Oh I'm sorry that's how I greet people I truly adore, maybe some of you still go for the hug but I prefer a dramatic scene similar to when Baby jumps into Patrick Swayzees (RIP) arms in Dirty Dancing.)
 |
| Unfortunately, I've never been able to FULLY execute this. |
So you have your reunions, you smile deviously at that cute guy you want to make out with (what, no I've never done that!), you buy people you barely know shots, and at the end of the night you're a little exhausted from all of it. So many people stuffed into about 2.5 hours of loud music and overpriced drinks. There's the bumpin' and grindin, exchanging of numbers (most you will never use), and running around like a drunken idiot. Lets be honest, you wouldn't see 85% of these people if you weren't at this hole in the wall bar.
What I'm trying to say is we can't blame ourselves or anyone. Life happens. We grow up and we change. We all go off on our ways becoming strange little adults adventuring off on our own. We forget to keep in touch with each other. But every once in a while we get our shit together and we make it happen.
Somewhere along the line home changes. It's not the place you sleep anymore. It's that friend who knows your favorite candy and buys it for you just because, the person who helps you wash the dishes after a party, or backs your ass up even when you're blatantly wrong. They don't question it they just do. Those are the people you want in your life. Those are the people you would tackle to the dirty bar floor in embracing in a giant bear hug of love, affection, and potentially and STD or two if you're at the HOASIS.
So there it is. I do kind of sort of in my own twisted dysfunctional way...have a heart.
Now go fuck yourself.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Things I Thoroughly Despise with a Burning Passion
Now when I was little and I used to say the word ‘hate’ my mom would look me in the eye and say, “Christina, Hate is a strong word.” Most children would disregard this. But my mother is not a lady you cross (seriously as the boys I grew up with, they are STILL a little scared of her). All she had to do was give me the look. It could make a grown man wet his pants. Instead of using the word hate so my mother can know she has had a profound effect on my life..I have titled this blog
Things I Thoroughly Despise with a Burning Passion
Wet Towels on the Bed- If you put your towel on my bed I will revoke your towel privileges. How does it feel to drip dry in the shower? Shake like a dog? Try to use toilet paper to get dry? Sorry I’m not sorry.
Out of control facial hair- I am very vocal about my dislike for unkempt facial hair. No Shave November nearly Put me over the edge. Seriously I was walking around with a razor in my purse with some barbisol chasing after the atrocity of beards that were in a 3 mile radius. Now that its December, please keep it to a minimum gentleman. I’m trying to avoid beard burn during the holidays.
The Annoying Guy at the Party- Why is he so close to my face? Why is it that everywhere I go he seems to find me? Even when I go pee he tries to come to the bathroom with me. I literally just ran away mid-conversation and he didn’t take the hint. He offered me alcohol and I refused. This should be a great hint at my lack of interest. I am so confused.
Hot Guy that is totally not interested in me and by hate (sorry mom) I totally mean I still want you but have come to the sad realization that we will no longer lock eyes across a crowded dance floor and find love in a hopeless place.
Girls who look good at the gym- Dear Gym Bitties, take off the eyeliner, stop wearing so much spandex and color coordinating your outfit. It’s sickening. Ok, I will admit it. I am a little jealous. You do look really pretty while running. What is your secret to not sweating? Why don’t you look tired after four miles? Oh now you’re going to do an ab workout? You’re a stupid bitch.
The two freshman in the corner making out at a party- Okay, so after four years of college you learn that making out in public probably isn’t one of the best ideas you’ve had. It’s okay we all do it. So when I see the two drunk children making out in the corner while dry humping each other I get a little nostalgic..okay... not really that’s friggin' disgusting take it back to your freshman dorm please.
Forehead Kisses- This is a little inaccurate. Forehead kisses are great. They are endearing and show you care in a protective, “I will punch someone in the face if they hurt you” kind of way. It’s very sweet. But I think that they should be reserved for the far and few. Forehead kisses should not be given away like free candy. They should be kept locked up awaiting for someone who you will not only attack a human being for but who makes your stomach do the flip flop nana banana bing bong.
The Dumb Crying Bitch- She’s probably crying about some asshole who clearly isn’t as invested in the relationship as she is or else he would be there making her laugh and paying for her drinks. She’s got her entire girl posse rubbing her back, giving her inspirational advice like “He probably just has a hard time expressing himself emotionally because he’s a guy”. What a load of bullshit that is. Pick your friend up give her a shot of tequila, tell her the fucking truth, peel her off the bar at the end of the night, and help her put her pjs on when you take her home.
One Word Answers- OK. SURE. YES. NO. COOL. GREAT.
When you think you’re the man- We get it, everyone loves you. Your smart, charming, attractive, funny...does your list of talents ever end? You want to know what really makes you the man. Playing scrabble with your Nana every Monday. Forgetting you’re the man for five minutes to see how everyone around you is doing.
Well everyone, I know this blog was filled with entirely too much cheer so I just wanted to let you know that I LOVE puppies. They make my heart melt like a popsicle on the 4th of July. I am immediately a better, kinder, caring, and more considerate person when I am near a puppy. HINT HINT.
Happy Holidays,
Love (even though it doesn't exist)...The Bitter Bitch.
Things I Thoroughly Despise with a Burning Passion
Wet Towels on the Bed- If you put your towel on my bed I will revoke your towel privileges. How does it feel to drip dry in the shower? Shake like a dog? Try to use toilet paper to get dry? Sorry I’m not sorry.
Out of control facial hair- I am very vocal about my dislike for unkempt facial hair. No Shave November nearly Put me over the edge. Seriously I was walking around with a razor in my purse with some barbisol chasing after the atrocity of beards that were in a 3 mile radius. Now that its December, please keep it to a minimum gentleman. I’m trying to avoid beard burn during the holidays.
The Annoying Guy at the Party- Why is he so close to my face? Why is it that everywhere I go he seems to find me? Even when I go pee he tries to come to the bathroom with me. I literally just ran away mid-conversation and he didn’t take the hint. He offered me alcohol and I refused. This should be a great hint at my lack of interest. I am so confused.
 |
| Shia, my love..has no idea I exist. He also still looks hot with a broken arm. Swoon. |
Hot Guy that is totally not interested in me and by hate (sorry mom) I totally mean I still want you but have come to the sad realization that we will no longer lock eyes across a crowded dance floor and find love in a hopeless place.
 | |
| SERIOUSLY! |
Girls who look good at the gym- Dear Gym Bitties, take off the eyeliner, stop wearing so much spandex and color coordinating your outfit. It’s sickening. Ok, I will admit it. I am a little jealous. You do look really pretty while running. What is your secret to not sweating? Why don’t you look tired after four miles? Oh now you’re going to do an ab workout? You’re a stupid bitch.
The two freshman in the corner making out at a party- Okay, so after four years of college you learn that making out in public probably isn’t one of the best ideas you’ve had. It’s okay we all do it. So when I see the two drunk children making out in the corner while dry humping each other I get a little nostalgic..okay... not really that’s friggin' disgusting take it back to your freshman dorm please.
Forehead Kisses- This is a little inaccurate. Forehead kisses are great. They are endearing and show you care in a protective, “I will punch someone in the face if they hurt you” kind of way. It’s very sweet. But I think that they should be reserved for the far and few. Forehead kisses should not be given away like free candy. They should be kept locked up awaiting for someone who you will not only attack a human being for but who makes your stomach do the flip flop nana banana bing bong.
The Dumb Crying Bitch- She’s probably crying about some asshole who clearly isn’t as invested in the relationship as she is or else he would be there making her laugh and paying for her drinks. She’s got her entire girl posse rubbing her back, giving her inspirational advice like “He probably just has a hard time expressing himself emotionally because he’s a guy”. What a load of bullshit that is. Pick your friend up give her a shot of tequila, tell her the fucking truth, peel her off the bar at the end of the night, and help her put her pjs on when you take her home.
One Word Answers- OK. SURE. YES. NO. COOL. GREAT.
When you think you’re the man- We get it, everyone loves you. Your smart, charming, attractive, funny...does your list of talents ever end? You want to know what really makes you the man. Playing scrabble with your Nana every Monday. Forgetting you’re the man for five minutes to see how everyone around you is doing.
Well everyone, I know this blog was filled with entirely too much cheer so I just wanted to let you know that I LOVE puppies. They make my heart melt like a popsicle on the 4th of July. I am immediately a better, kinder, caring, and more considerate person when I am near a puppy. HINT HINT.
Happy Holidays,
Love (even though it doesn't exist)...The Bitter Bitch.
Sunday, November 20, 2011
The Bitter Bitch Gives Thanks
It's that time of year again...where we all sit around the dinner table and tell people what un-selfish and non-superficial things in life we are thankful for. Because heaven forbid if we did that EVERY day.
So here it goes, a heartfelt thank you from the bottom of my heart...(yeah right.)
Wine: Where would I be without fermented grapes? Sober ...less enthusiastic...hanging out alone in my sweatpants. Just kidding, I drink in my sweats all the time, while listening to Dashboard Confessional or watching some sappy Grey’s Anatomy episode where something bad happens to Meredith. Oh wait, that is EVERY episode. But really my Pinot Grigio and Cabernet Sauvignon have played a major part my life this semester. Helping me through the weekends..oh okay and most weekdays. Somehow after one glass of wine..or 4 the world doesn’t piss me off so much. The bitter bitch might even hug you or make a sincere comment. I cannot say the same for Chardonnay. That girl is a slut and I hope she casually slips down a moutain, falls into a river, and dissapears into the cold abyss.
Stilettos, Wedges, Pumps etc: Thank you to the man who decided that a women squeezing her feet into a pair of shoes that make her feel like her entire foot is being suffocated by an anaconda was a good idea. Not only does it provide us with a weapon against creeps but these things make our legs look thinner and longer. These shoes have the power to turn a grown man in the liquor store into a child as you peruse for your Skinny Girl Cocktails. They turn a dull boring outfit into that of a sex kitten ready to pounce on her prey. The only downside is they make it just a little difficult to run away. You will feel like you’ve run 2 miles when in reality your only 10 feet away and your boyfriend is standing there staring at you waiting for you to get tired and limp back.
Kissing: You know when you have been having the absolute worst day? Like you stepped in dog poop, fell down the stairs, failed a quiz, swore in front of a baby, and you have a spaghetti sauce ring around your lips? Then this stupid person holds your face, looks you in the eyes, and kisses you. And that’s it. Your skin starts buzzing and you want to smile but then you would ruin the kiss. The world sort of just stops. In that one little moment your mind goes quiet and that fact that your shoes smell and you feel like an utter failure doesn’t matter. But let me warn you all if you kiss someone for too long that might lead to feelings. I strongly discourage this type of behavior as in my years of wisdom this leads to a relationship that is undoubtedly doomed. Sorry I’m not sorry.
Molly O’Brion: Sometimes I might want to push her off a very small cliff but if anyone so much as even looks at her the wrong way my fangs come out. I once glared at one of her boyfriends in the hallway at school and to this day he still looks a little scared of me. She is my longest relationship (16 years) and counting! I can’t help but love her because she is OBSESSED with writing neatly, she once smacked her face off of a brick wall, and her dance moves and music preferences are all out horrendous. She also used to wear shoes like the spice girls and run around the playground in super high pigtails. She has this great ability to find humor in the darkest of times, which is when it is the most important. She also plans to devote her life to the education of our future children. If that doesn't make you love her then you can go fuck yourself.
Boys: Gentleman, you are all relatively useless. But I am going to be stuck with one of you for my entire life one day so I am determined to be thankful.
The tall ones of you who can help me reach the wine glasses on the top shelf, you are like a heroic angel from heaven with your long arms.
Those of you who come to my rescue when I cannot open the pickle jar for the life of me, I am deeply appreciative. I will however still maintain that I loosened the cap for you.
Boys who give me free beer because I smiled and kissed you on the cheek. First of all you’re a sucker, second of all THANK YOU for the beer.
I am honestly trying to think of more things to be thankful for from you guys but I’m drawing a blank.
My Super Dysfunctional Family: I’m Italian. My family talks with their hands, their version of quiet is your version of yelling. We love garlic, basil, and tomatoes and our hearts are too big. We adopt animals at alarming rates, hate each other one minute and love another the next, we dance on table tops, promise our children ponies, and we can talk shit about our family all we want but if you even so much as make a small comment we will attack you like a pack of blood thirsty piranhas. Why? Because these are the people who pickup the phone at 2am when your crying your eyes out. They show up at all of your lame birthdays and make sure you wear proper clothing in the winter. They know every scar, favorite song, and weird habit. You're stuck with them. Get used to it and start appreciating it.
Sweatpants: There is no greater creation than the elastic waist. For someone who struggles to wear pants on a daily basis sweatpants help to ease my trouble. It is pure bliss after a long day to slide into my UNH size large sweats (I bought a size up for extra comfort, I’m not REALLY a size large, STOP JUDGING ME). Guess what else I do? If I’ve over-indulged on dinner I pull them up just above my belly button to contain myself. I would be embarrassed but the sheer comfort of this act outweighs my shame. Can't wait to slip into a pair of these after Thanksgiving dinner...
The Bruins: Is that a 6 game winning streak we are on? Somewhere around 36ish goals? Despite the fact Seguin thinks it’s okay to grow a mustache I am completely in love with all of you. I wish I could express happiness and empty wine bottles these wins have brought me. THANK YOU.
Mascara: Some mornings I wakeup and I look in the mirror and it’s a scary sight. My hair is doing something strange, my nose ring hurts, and there are little goey/crusty things in the corners of my eyes. I tenderly refer to them as Eye Snot. Very appealing I know. I no longer wonder why I do not have a boyfriend, trust me. But with a quick splash of water and a couple of layers of mascara (a few more if I end up poking myself in the eye with the wand and have to take a break to wimper from the pain) but after that suddenly I have a decent looking set of eyes without eye snot. Mascara you are a god. Keep up the good work.
Bad Songs: You know that overly dramatic song skyscraper by Demi Lovato? What the fuck is going on? Why is she so upset, she’s at the beach. Sit down in a lawn chair hunny, have a pina colada and forget about being a skyscraper. That’s your problem. Your spending too much time wishing you were an inanimate object. Jesus Christ shutup, sit down, put on your bikini and stop whining. Without this song however, I would have no reason to be thankful for all the great songs that actually have meaning or a good beat.
All in all, the moral of the story is no matter how big or small there is always something to be thankful for. You just have to open your eyes and find the good. (Wait, that exists?)
Thank You (seriously, I still can't believe people read my blog.)
The Bitter Bitch
So here it goes, a heartfelt thank you from the bottom of my heart...(yeah right.)
Wine: Where would I be without fermented grapes? Sober ...less enthusiastic...hanging out alone in my sweatpants. Just kidding, I drink in my sweats all the time, while listening to Dashboard Confessional or watching some sappy Grey’s Anatomy episode where something bad happens to Meredith. Oh wait, that is EVERY episode. But really my Pinot Grigio and Cabernet Sauvignon have played a major part my life this semester. Helping me through the weekends..oh okay and most weekdays. Somehow after one glass of wine..or 4 the world doesn’t piss me off so much. The bitter bitch might even hug you or make a sincere comment. I cannot say the same for Chardonnay. That girl is a slut and I hope she casually slips down a moutain, falls into a river, and dissapears into the cold abyss. Stilettos, Wedges, Pumps etc: Thank you to the man who decided that a women squeezing her feet into a pair of shoes that make her feel like her entire foot is being suffocated by an anaconda was a good idea. Not only does it provide us with a weapon against creeps but these things make our legs look thinner and longer. These shoes have the power to turn a grown man in the liquor store into a child as you peruse for your Skinny Girl Cocktails. They turn a dull boring outfit into that of a sex kitten ready to pounce on her prey. The only downside is they make it just a little difficult to run away. You will feel like you’ve run 2 miles when in reality your only 10 feet away and your boyfriend is standing there staring at you waiting for you to get tired and limp back.
Kissing: You know when you have been having the absolute worst day? Like you stepped in dog poop, fell down the stairs, failed a quiz, swore in front of a baby, and you have a spaghetti sauce ring around your lips? Then this stupid person holds your face, looks you in the eyes, and kisses you. And that’s it. Your skin starts buzzing and you want to smile but then you would ruin the kiss. The world sort of just stops. In that one little moment your mind goes quiet and that fact that your shoes smell and you feel like an utter failure doesn’t matter. But let me warn you all if you kiss someone for too long that might lead to feelings. I strongly discourage this type of behavior as in my years of wisdom this leads to a relationship that is undoubtedly doomed. Sorry I’m not sorry.
Boys: Gentleman, you are all relatively useless. But I am going to be stuck with one of you for my entire life one day so I am determined to be thankful.
The tall ones of you who can help me reach the wine glasses on the top shelf, you are like a heroic angel from heaven with your long arms.
Those of you who come to my rescue when I cannot open the pickle jar for the life of me, I am deeply appreciative. I will however still maintain that I loosened the cap for you.
Boys who give me free beer because I smiled and kissed you on the cheek. First of all you’re a sucker, second of all THANK YOU for the beer.
I am honestly trying to think of more things to be thankful for from you guys but I’m drawing a blank.
My Super Dysfunctional Family: I’m Italian. My family talks with their hands, their version of quiet is your version of yelling. We love garlic, basil, and tomatoes and our hearts are too big. We adopt animals at alarming rates, hate each other one minute and love another the next, we dance on table tops, promise our children ponies, and we can talk shit about our family all we want but if you even so much as make a small comment we will attack you like a pack of blood thirsty piranhas. Why? Because these are the people who pickup the phone at 2am when your crying your eyes out. They show up at all of your lame birthdays and make sure you wear proper clothing in the winter. They know every scar, favorite song, and weird habit. You're stuck with them. Get used to it and start appreciating it.
 |
| I'm sorry but these are not sweatpants. What is wrong with the world? |
The Bruins: Is that a 6 game winning streak we are on? Somewhere around 36ish goals? Despite the fact Seguin thinks it’s okay to grow a mustache I am completely in love with all of you. I wish I could express happiness and empty wine bottles these wins have brought me. THANK YOU.
Mascara: Some mornings I wakeup and I look in the mirror and it’s a scary sight. My hair is doing something strange, my nose ring hurts, and there are little goey/crusty things in the corners of my eyes. I tenderly refer to them as Eye Snot. Very appealing I know. I no longer wonder why I do not have a boyfriend, trust me. But with a quick splash of water and a couple of layers of mascara (a few more if I end up poking myself in the eye with the wand and have to take a break to wimper from the pain) but after that suddenly I have a decent looking set of eyes without eye snot. Mascara you are a god. Keep up the good work.
Bad Songs: You know that overly dramatic song skyscraper by Demi Lovato? What the fuck is going on? Why is she so upset, she’s at the beach. Sit down in a lawn chair hunny, have a pina colada and forget about being a skyscraper. That’s your problem. Your spending too much time wishing you were an inanimate object. Jesus Christ shutup, sit down, put on your bikini and stop whining. Without this song however, I would have no reason to be thankful for all the great songs that actually have meaning or a good beat.
All in all, the moral of the story is no matter how big or small there is always something to be thankful for. You just have to open your eyes and find the good. (Wait, that exists?)
Thank You (seriously, I still can't believe people read my blog.)
The Bitter Bitch
Saturday, November 12, 2011
A Story about POT or not...
Get ready kids, this is a good one. *Note: I a posting this from a bus on my way to NYC via my blackberry, pictures and links will be up within the next week.
Another sidenote: THE BUS JUST BROKE DOWN! Awesome.
One time I decided to go visit my boyfriend (now an ex obviously, I'm a walking train wreck and the fact that we were two INCREDIBLY different people. Imagine a hippy and a business woman trying to date). Any who he went to college in Orono, ME aka where The University of Maine is. This was about a 2 hour drive from my hometown of Sopo (read awesome blog on sopo here).
Since I was 'so young' and the drive was 'so long' my mother strongly suggested I bring a friend with me. And by strongly suggested I mean I had no other choice. But my boyfriend was a little socially awkward so I really agreed a fun friend could only enhance the situation.
In addition to forcing me to bring a friend she also was determined my car would self destruct inspector gadget style within minutes of the 'really long journey'. My super sexy ford escort the vintage age of 1998 was banned from the roads of Northern Maine. I was to take her white suv. We switched cars at work (Hannaford, of course).
With Emily in the passenger seat and me at the wheel we hit the road (after a brief run in with a median strip in the Marshalls parking lot..I swear I didn't see it.) About 15 minutes into our voyage screaming at the top of our lungs to Pink's I'm not dead album Wendy calls. Her tone is frighteningly furious. (Anyone who knows my mom understands how freakin' scary she can be).
"Christina, I am in shock right now. I just cannot believe you"
"Uhhh...I'm sorry, what are you talking about..." (me extremely confused)
I'm thinking, she's probably disappointed that I hadn't vacuumed my car.
"I just cannot believe this...."
Long pause.
"What the HELL are you talking about"
Now I'm seriously concerned.
"There is marijuana in your car!!!!"
Cue me instantly laughing.
"Mom, I can assure you there is no marijuana in my car."
"CHRISTINA MARY!! Do not lie to me, I am looking right at it, it's still on the bud!'
Me laughing...
"...Mom I don't even know what that means..."
Meanwhile I'm seriously wondering how she knows this.
"Don't play dumb I'm staring at it, turn around you are not going Orono."
"Ok mom, I will turn around to prove to you that whatever you have found in my car is not weed"
So as I'm driving back...I'm starting to wonder if I smoke weed? Do I have a split personality who loves to get high and eat large amounts unhealthy snack foods? Am I unknowingly a psychotic pot head? Did that girl who hates me for stealing her boyfriend try to frame me? Government Conspiracy?
So I finally arrive at the gas station to meet my mom and get out of the car and into my sexy escy.
My mom shoves this crusty green thing in my face very assertively. As if she is Queen of Botany and I am a lowly gum shoe.
I take one look at it and stare at her in disbelief. I am utterly shocked. I can't even laugh because it isn't funny.
Why?
Because it's fucking dried up lettuce. My mom found dried up lettuce from a sandwich in my car and had me thinking I belonged in a mental institution or the government was setting me up. Over a piece of boston bibb lettuce.
Now put some Romaine in your pipe and smoke it.
xo Teen
Another sidenote: THE BUS JUST BROKE DOWN! Awesome.
One time I decided to go visit my boyfriend (now an ex obviously, I'm a walking train wreck and the fact that we were two INCREDIBLY different people. Imagine a hippy and a business woman trying to date). Any who he went to college in Orono, ME aka where The University of Maine is. This was about a 2 hour drive from my hometown of Sopo (read awesome blog on sopo here).
Since I was 'so young' and the drive was 'so long' my mother strongly suggested I bring a friend with me. And by strongly suggested I mean I had no other choice. But my boyfriend was a little socially awkward so I really agreed a fun friend could only enhance the situation.
In addition to forcing me to bring a friend she also was determined my car would self destruct inspector gadget style within minutes of the 'really long journey'. My super sexy ford escort the vintage age of 1998 was banned from the roads of Northern Maine. I was to take her white suv. We switched cars at work (Hannaford, of course).
With Emily in the passenger seat and me at the wheel we hit the road (after a brief run in with a median strip in the Marshalls parking lot..I swear I didn't see it.) About 15 minutes into our voyage screaming at the top of our lungs to Pink's I'm not dead album Wendy calls. Her tone is frighteningly furious. (Anyone who knows my mom understands how freakin' scary she can be).
"Christina, I am in shock right now. I just cannot believe you"
"Uhhh...I'm sorry, what are you talking about..." (me extremely confused)
I'm thinking, she's probably disappointed that I hadn't vacuumed my car.
"I just cannot believe this...."
Long pause.
"What the HELL are you talking about"
Now I'm seriously concerned.
"There is marijuana in your car!!!!"
Cue me instantly laughing.
"Mom, I can assure you there is no marijuana in my car."
"CHRISTINA MARY!! Do not lie to me, I am looking right at it, it's still on the bud!'
Me laughing...
"...Mom I don't even know what that means..."
Meanwhile I'm seriously wondering how she knows this.
"Don't play dumb I'm staring at it, turn around you are not going Orono."
"Ok mom, I will turn around to prove to you that whatever you have found in my car is not weed"
So as I'm driving back...I'm starting to wonder if I smoke weed? Do I have a split personality who loves to get high and eat large amounts unhealthy snack foods? Am I unknowingly a psychotic pot head? Did that girl who hates me for stealing her boyfriend try to frame me? Government Conspiracy?
So I finally arrive at the gas station to meet my mom and get out of the car and into my sexy escy.
My mom shoves this crusty green thing in my face very assertively. As if she is Queen of Botany and I am a lowly gum shoe.
I take one look at it and stare at her in disbelief. I am utterly shocked. I can't even laugh because it isn't funny.
Why?
Because it's fucking dried up lettuce. My mom found dried up lettuce from a sandwich in my car and had me thinking I belonged in a mental institution or the government was setting me up. Over a piece of boston bibb lettuce.
Now put some Romaine in your pipe and smoke it.
xo Teen
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