We say THIS but we friggin' mean THAT

Gentleman, women are stupid, there I said it. We have this strange belief that you should automatically know what we want even though we don't tell you. Or that when we say something you understand its deep underlying meaning. We want you to be magical mind readers who surprise us with edible arrangements and new Jessica Simpson shoes just because. The sad thing is most women are legitimately setting themselves up for dissapointment. Men are dim.

If it doesn't involve food they are eating/want to eat/ staring at with hungry eyes, sex they are even more hungrily searching for, or sports in which they whole heartedly worship other men to the point of absurdity then it's probably not registering on their tiny little brains.


So gentleman, in the spirit of giving I thought I would make some of our more popular phrases a little more clear.

"Oh no, please don't buy me anything for Christmas, I just want to spend time with the family"
Actually means,
"If my husband and kids forget me again this year and I only get freakin' framed crate paper ornament with my kids school pictures on them I am going to ball my eyes out in the fetal position underneath the Christmas tree"

WHO COULD RESIST THAT!

"Would you like dessert?"
"...no thank you, I'm soooo full"
Actually means,
"I feel like a fat-ass because I already had an appetizers, a glass of wine, huge meal, and ate off your plate too but the creme brulee sounds fucking amazing and I might never sleep a sound night again without out trying it..."
What we want you to say, "Lets get dessert, I think I want to order (pick three desserts), let's split something, you choose"


"I really want to see (INSERT movie in theaters currently)!"
Actually means,
"I want you to take me to see this movie, pronto. Why haven't to asked me yet, ASSHOLE...oh and you're paying"


"Ugh, I hate football!!!!!!"
Actually means,
Please acknowledge my existence at least 3 times during the game with a hug, kiss, sexual wink, text message, carrier pigeon, hell even a high five would do..whatever, we're attention whores, we must be watered with affection every day like a plant or something.

Look, I even made popcorn! Please just LOOK at me!

"Babeeeeeee, my back hurts." cue awkward contorting and super pouty lips.
Actually means,
"Why don't you ever offer to rub my back... it really sucks that I have to beg for you to touch me in a non-sexual way."

"Yeah I guess, you're okay..."
Actually means,
"I have giant crush on you and I'm too immature and childish to admit it because the fear of rejection is far too much for my ego/heart to handle"


"Let's drink"
Actually means,
"I want to get you drunk and do dirty things with you, nothing like alcohol to lower my inhibitions"

"I hate you"
Actually means,

Oh shit, you're fucked.

"I really like you but you never do anything right and you're such and idiot so in all reality I really should hate you...maybe if I say it enough times it will actually happen"

"It's whatever"
Actually means,
"You're in deep shit douchebag, I'm seriously mad and you owe me an apology...plus dinner, and flower....and new jeans."

There's plenty more...but I don't like to give away all of our secret code because sometimes you just have to figure some shit out for yourself gentleman.

Lots of non existent love and stuff,

Teen

So I guess, there are some good guys out there...

One time when I was a kid my friend Chelsea and I were hanging out playing Barbies or watching Power Rangers (STILL coincidentally two of my favorite past-times)  and she was sitting just a little close to my rocking chair or my tv stand. Anyway, she leaned back and absolute destroyed her head off some sort of wooden object. It looked incredibly painful and she had tears in her eyes.

So naturally I responded by laughing until I could no longer bring oxygen into my lungs and my eyes too were filled with tears.

At the ripe old age of seven I realized that I could be just a little bit insensitive to other peoples thoughts, feelings, and physical pain. (So as you can see I have always been like this...but men and booze have this uncanny ability to inflate my aggression and insensitivity)


The point of the story is that yes gentleman sometimes I over-generalize and stereo-type you as sex crazed idiots when in all reality that's only about 95% of you. So here is to you 5%. The good guys. The ones who have no idea what to wear when you meet our friends, the ones who hold my hair back when I'm barfing into a toilet, those of you who are so prepared for a date you have a list of topics to discuss to prevent awkward silences.

To be fair yesterday I was chased by a vicious animal, had my eyebrows stolen from me by an Asian women, and I got lost for an hour and a half trying to find my way home from the mall. I may not have been in the BEST mood for blogging.

You are the far and few and you are not given enough praise for it. Probably because we're all to busy bitching about the super douchers in this world. So get ready, because I don't do this very often...

Ugh, I GUESS you're awesome...

Here is why I think you're just the bestest!

You're protective
There's just something about it when you get all sweet and protective when other guys are mean to us. It literally melts my heart. (Wait, I have one?).

Here's a cute little example of adorable MACHISMO:

I googled manly and this is what they gave me...

My first boyfriend and I were driving somewhere and I was griping about how he was ALWAYS over the speed limit (backseat driver is one of my many ADORABLE qualities). When he looked at me quite seriously and said, "You think I would EVER let something bad happen to you when you are in the car with me!" Well, it's safe to say that shut me up. It never occurred to me that men even thought about bad things happening (never mind to me)...and here was a guy who was basically telling me he never wanted a anything horrible to ever happen to me! That was 5 years ago and it stuck with me. There's also just something about it when we can lean our heads on your shoulder and you wrap your arm around our waist that makes us feel as though we are incredibly safe. Then you do something boneheaded like fart and ruin the moment but oh well, those 3 minutes were very touching.

You may find it hard to believe that a majority of my friends are actually guys....
Guy friends are so handy. Especially when at the bar and someone you are not interested in is trying to talk to you. I just pull one of them close and stare lovingly into their eyes refering to them as my boyfriend. The dude gets the hint and my friend plays right along to it. Saving me from the pain and anguish of boring bar chatter.

Notice how my gentleman 'hold me down'.

There's core group of guy friends that I generally care about quite a lot. Like if something incredibly awful happened to them I would be very concerned. I even make them dinner without asking for anything in return. Because I don't have too. They do things like help my mom and I move out of our condo on a hot August morning and give the best hugs. They pick me up and spin me around, make awkward sexual noises (I have unique friends) all while I laugh adoringly. They make me smile and are ALWAYS down to drink beers with me and when some girl one of them likes enters our little circle..I go Momma Bear on them bitches. Her every move is judged. Why? Because those are the good guys and they deserve someone who appreciates their greatness.


Your Honesty
Girls have this strange belief that not fully telling their friends the truth or sugarcoating things is going to help you in life. For those of us who aren't incredibly perceptive this does not work. Girls are really dim sometimes. I love that you boys tell me exactly how it is whether it's a crappy outfit choice, my poor taste in men, or a bad meal. You always start with, "I really hope this doesn't offend you" too which is super cute because it is really hard to offend a heartless person.

OMG, HE CALLED ME PRETTY!!!!!!!

You call us pretty
Sure, We've been called pretty before. By our parents and girlfriends. But they HAVE to say that. Your parents created you and friends wouldn't be very good friends if they didn't say nice things to you every once in a while.

The other day my best friend said to me, "You're like...Blake Lively pretty" and I looked at her while I was putting my mascara on as if she had just pulled out a giant bag of cocaine.

But when a boy calls you gorgeous, pretty, sexy...*pick any adjective that refers to us as being genuinely attractive...it's as though the world comes to a screaching halt and you forget to breathe for a minute. Every. Single. Time.


Well there it is. There are some incredibly great things about you good guys. I am sorry you all get over shadowed by the uncanny amount of losers in our life. Maybe one day the girls will figure it out and actually date someone like you people who deserve us. One of you lovely 5% who do great things like pay for dinner and make handmade birthday cards.

Keep being awesome. Remember the girls never marry the bad boys. In the end you win...(well if we haven't been too irreversably damaged by then).

Lots of Cold Heart Love,

Teen

Why I hate men {Drunk Blogging}

Ok ffirst of all, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING on in your teeny tiny little brains? Not much I bet, Except for your epic need to get laid all the time. Like seriously, put a cork in in guys. We know, you're all cheating lying whores. No need to pretend your honest and faithful. All you do is sit around all day and plot the evil things you can do to drive us crazy. Like leaving the toilet seat up. How many times does a girl have to dfall into toilet water for you to fucking stop. Do you think it's funny? Cause I guarantee when you grab my ass and I saY "Oh well I fell in your toilet earlier today" you will NOT be laughing.

Maybe I will though.

Also, what is up with this whole being cute thing. It makes it incredibly hard for me to dislike you when you tell me you think I'm funny or compliment my watch. Those are what we like to call mindgames.

Mindgames:
Mindgames are hideous yet kind of fun. We all are like, " I just wish he'd say how he' feels" but you know the second that happens all those nervous butterflies and cute smiles disapear and it's all sweat pants and pizza.  Oh does he like me? Oh does he not? Oh does he even remember I exist? You know that all women are suckers for attention. Seriously, girls You know you are. Even more, we get all confused and semi jealous when you stop talking to us for one hot second. First we think "Oh my god is he okay!!!" Then it's "That LYING BASTARD..HE IS TOTALLY BANGING SOME OTHER CHICK RIGHT NOW" to...."Oh he just messaged me, he's definitely prince charming!!!!".


Nice things
Stop being nice. It annoying, and by annoying (sidenote, it took me a good seven times to write "anonying right"..ahhh fuck it) I mean incredibly endearing and not okay. Don't be nice. We do not want to care about you. Because 6 months down the road when we finally decide we're infatuated with you you;re aLL " Hey it was a great run but I don't think I want anything serious". Then about 3 months later you're engaged to some blonde bimbo who works at Supercuts. Oh really NOTHING serious. Did you know engagement leads to marriage asshole!!!???



Looking fucking awesome with little to no effort
How does your ass look better in jeans than mine? Okay, granted my but is non ecxistant but most men look  phenominal after a shower and getting dressed. This takes about 3 hours for me to even look genuinely attractive and "hit-on-able". Okay, I don't even get hit on. Except for this one time this guy told me he wanted to suck my lipstick off my face. I'm STILL wondering how he thought that would woo me?

You are physically stronger than us
Listen girls, men can lift shit and you can;t. Use your assets to make them lift shit all over the place for you. They may be physically stronger but mentally you can outwit them anyday. Well unless your dumb and you suck.

You THROW My friends off porches...
Now gentleman, it is perfectly okay to be an asshole to me. But when you inflict pain on my girlfriends I will forever hold a vendetta against you.

Okay, my wine glass is getting kinda empty and I'm getting pretty tired. So I think it;s time I took a nap. A 6-9 hour long one known as sleep.

SEE YA LATAH ALLAHGATAHS.

Why Marriage is a HORRIBLE Idea

Think about it people...should we really participate in some outdated and overpriced ritual in which fails just as often as it succeeds? How many of those that succeed are ACTUALLY still happy or just pretending to be due to children, financial assets, or some strange belief that removing yourself from an unhappy situation is a considered failure?

So here it is...Seven Incredibly factual and well-researched reasons as to why NO ONE should ever get married.

1. Why sacrifice the adoration of many for the criticism for one?

Gentleman I feel you can agree with me the best on this one.

"Are you going to wear that un-ironed shirt out to dinner?"

"Did you empty the trash"

"Can you put the seat down after you pee?"

"Will you please stop trying to have sex with me!?"

We nag. That's what we do. We will constantly be asking you to fix something for us and then complain that you did it wrong even though we sat on the couch drinking pinot noir while you worked your ass off.

2. You will become boring
Remember when your relationship first began and you could talk to each other for hours on end about the most random bullshit? Well now you have all this shit you HAVE to talk about but you don't really want to. Like if you paid the mortgage that month, how many kids you want to shove out of your vajayjay, and what you will eat for dinner that week. Riveting stuff. All of that stuff if you were single you could just get done without having to consult someone else. Babies? Shit, just hit the sperm bank, Mortgages, fuck that you already paid for your house after saving all that money from not having to buy Christmas gifts, dinner, Engagement Rings, a matching bedroom set! Dinner, uh excuse me you go to the grocery store that night and pickup whatever you want...even if it's a a chocolate pudding cup and a can of pringles.

3. You want to make a decision, think AGAIN!

Whether its buying a new car or a pair of socks. It is no longer just your money. That is now called "our money". Ever heard the saying, "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine". I think women obide by this. Especially when we eat 75% of your dessert off your plate and punch you in the face when you step near our choocolate stash.

But seriously, that money is now shared. Now, I'm a good sharer..(when I was little I had a teeny tiny biting problem but we've since cleared that up)

Now, I would have a hard time since I most likely will be the main breadwinner in my future unsuccessful marriage if I got home and my husband bought a snowmobile without asking me. Now I can't be all, "LISTEN DUMBASS, I MAKE THE DOUGH, I SPEND IT!" because now I am in a mutual partnership in which I promised to love someone and take care of them...and verbally abusing them PROBABLY isn't the best way to get my point across.

So instead we have to sit down and have a talk about what we want to spend our money on for the next 3 years and develop some retarded life plan. Even worse, if I want a $300 dollar pair of shoes I am going to have to think "Is it okay to feed my children spam all week or should I go buy off the sale rack at TJ MAXX ?" UGH, see MARRIAGE IS ONE GIANT SACRIFICE OF BEAUTIFUL SHOES AND OUTDOOR TOYS!


4. It will make you fat
You know how they call it the "boyfriend layer" when your in a nice little relationship and you suddenly pack on 10 pounds. Well welcome to marriage. Except it's like 15-20. Think about it, you're so comfortable with this person you have decided to live with them for the rest of your ENTIRE existence on this planet! The first year there's so much celebrating it's hard not to get a little chubby. Engagement parties, rehearsal dinners, wedding cake, honey moons. Then there's kids (I thought I had this on lock because my mother is a freak of nature who mysteriously cannot gain weight but the other side of my gene pool is Italian and well...we struggle with the pasta okay!)

Kid's make the women fat because she's trying to eat for two at every meal and then poor dad over there is watching mom blow up like a balloon and is eating himself to death because 1. his wife is getting fat 2. there is a screaming monster on the way. It doesn't get any better either because children will not take up ALL of your time. You thought you were going to go to the gym this morning? Well little Frankie had another idea, he is going to crayon the wall and vomit in your hair. Goodluck having any motivation to exercise with all that bullshit going on.

5.  Minivans
 I am pretty sure the second you say "I DO-OMED" your chances of one day owning a mini-van QUADRUPLE. Look, even my dad had a van. In fact, he had two. Chances are you're going to end up needing it for the 4 little spawns of satan you produced.

I can hear myself now, "Steph, you gotta see this thing, the doors are automatic, the chairs fold down so I can put the dogs in the back..and GUESS WHAT, it came with a lifetime stain warranty!!!".

Uh, I'm sorry what happened to my dream of owning a blacked out range rover and mercedes coupe?

6. Men are stupid & Women are CRAZY

For example: You ask your husband to pickup milk from the grocery store. He comes home with WHOLE MILK. I'm sorry am I three? When did I ever purchase WHOLE milk for this household? Are we trying to get even fatter than we did at the beginning of our marriage?

Do you even know what you're apologizing for?

Gents, it's that gold plate in the middle.

Or how about this little scenario: It's your first Christmas at your house and 15 family members are coming for dinner and so far your wife has spent about $795 dollars on food, new household items, table decor, and decorations. She's running around the house barking orders to your frightened children and all of a sudden turns into Medusa as she whips her hair and glares at you for asking what a charger is and where you put it. (Not gonna lie, this is probably my future.) Then for the rest of the day she refuses to speak to you for "not understanding" her needs on such a stressful day.

7. It's fucking expensive
The courting phase...that involves money..but mostly yours gentleman.
The engagement.. oh well rings aren't expensive..If you're a cheap bastard. Sorry gentleman...that's you again.
The Engagement Party, Rehearsal Dinner, Wedding, Honeymoon (well it ALL sounded like a good idea until you maxed out your VISA on party favors and the open bar...)
A house, kids, cars, college education (not just your kids either, you will be paying out the ass on your school loans still as well.)


Well despite the fact that you're BROKE at least you still have your chubby, stressed out, passive aggressive, vomit in their hair, nagging significant other to keep you warm at night.

Enjoy marriage folks, sounds like a great time.


Yours Truly,
The Bitter Bitch

New Year...New....WEBSITE

Hey Guys, I am taking my blog to a new level this New Year  (this is my most successful relationship with anything so I felt the need to fully commit to it). I will be creating my own website! It will still feature my bitter bitch rants (whew, I know a few of you were worried).

However there will be MUCH more... like recipes from my culinary explorations, fashion advice, restaurant reviews (to help those of you who actually get asked out on dates, unlike me), a wall of shame, and VIDEO blogs! Jenna Marbles watch out.

There is one big problem. I for once in my life am at a loss for words. A name! Any thoughts or ideas? Seriously, I'm asking for your help. You're the ones who read my nonsense.

Speaking of be on the lookout for my upcoming dual blogs Why I think marriage is Shitty Idea &Why Marriage is Awesome.Still struggling on why it's awesome but maybe I will get some inspiration by all of the over-done Christmas engagements and photos of couples with their dog in front of the Christmas tree.

Here are a few ideas we have come up with (we meaning my web slayer Aaron Harvey, seriously, he's completely writing my website from scratch and one of my bestest friends Miss Molly O.)



chocolateandstilettos.com

thesassybitchdish.com

christinadisanto.com (this seems a little boring to me...)

livelaughcook.com

livelaughihatemen.com (perhaps this may not be one of our better ideas...)

thesassygourmand.com

sassyinmystilettos.com

dailydoseof (anything but TEEN, because creepy men seem to think it's porn)


Basically I want the website to exemplify that I am sassy, I wear heels, and I like to eat...


Okay, put your thinking caps on people!

Coming Home: The people you want to see and those well yeah..

You know what I'm talking about. It's break (Thanksgiving, Christmas..pick any holiday)...you're finally 21 and you get to go to your towns local 'hot' spots to grab drinks with your friends. You inevitably run into every person you went to high school with and then some. 

My friend came up to me after the third night looked me in the eye and said "I can't do this anymore, I cannot have the same conversation with another person one more time."

Let me explain:
GIRLS
"Hiiiiii how areeeee you you looook soo great!" (embrace with hug)
"Where are you going to school again...oh nice what's your major!" (Half the shit you already know from facebook)
 "Are you still with what's his face?"
"No we don't speak that cheating bastards his name." (cue in awkward moment)
"Have you seen (insert mutual friend name here)? "
"You haven't well they are around here somewhere!"
"Oh wow that's awesome!"
"Yeah I love coors light too!"
 "Youuuu look so great did you lose weight?"

 GUYS
"Hey man how's it going dude" (strange man embrace with some handshake, man hug, pound-it  thingy I can't do)
"Yeah I have seen you in a minute"
"Just hanging out finishing up school, still playing hockey"
"Haha yeah been checkin' into the woodshed quite a bit with a couple of different bitties"
"Did you see what's her face"
"Yeah man did her tits get bigger or what?"

Then it's...

That girl who was too cool for you in high school suddenly says Hi or that guy you had a crush on as a freshman in high school buys you a drink and drunkenly starts hitting on you.

There are the people you would rather not see, the people you're indifferent about, and there's the few people who you run up to and leap into their arms of pure excitement. (Oh I'm sorry that's how I greet people I truly adore, maybe some of you still go for the hug but I prefer a dramatic scene similar to when Baby jumps into Patrick Swayzees (RIP) arms in Dirty Dancing.)

Unfortunately, I've never been able to FULLY execute this.

So you have your reunions, you smile deviously at that cute guy you want to make out with (what, no I've never done that!), you buy people you barely know shots, and at the end of the night you're a little exhausted from all of it. So many people stuffed into about 2.5 hours of loud music and overpriced drinks. There's the bumpin' and grindin, exchanging of numbers (most you will never use), and running around like a drunken idiot. Lets be honest, you wouldn't see 85% of these people if you weren't at this hole in the wall bar.

What I'm trying to say is we can't blame ourselves or anyone. Life happens. We grow up and we change. We all go off on our ways becoming strange little adults adventuring off on our own. We forget to keep in touch with each other. But every once in a while we get our shit together and we make it happen.

 I learned that drinking 3 bottles of wine and eating massive amounts of pizza while reconnecting with my loud, crazy, friends is extremely more gratifying than standing in a crowded bar screaming to have a conversation. That late night trips to Burger King and car dancing like a nut job builds a better friendship than lifeless conversations with captain and cokes at the bar.

Somewhere along the line home changes. It's not the place you sleep anymore. It's that friend who knows your favorite candy and buys it for you just because, the person who helps you wash the dishes after a party, or backs your ass up even when you're blatantly wrong. They don't question it they just do. Those are the people you want in your life. Those are the people you would tackle to the dirty bar floor in embracing in a giant bear hug of love, affection, and potentially and STD or two if you're at the HOASIS.

So there it is. I do kind of sort of in my own twisted dysfunctional way...have a heart.



Now go fuck yourself.

Things I Thoroughly Despise with a Burning Passion

Now when I was little and I used to say the word ‘hate’ my mom would look me in the eye and say, “Christina, Hate is a strong word.” Most children would disregard this. But my mother is not a lady you cross (seriously as the boys I grew up with, they are STILL a little scared of her). All she had to do was give me the look. It could make a grown man wet his pants. Instead of using the word hate so my mother can know she has had a profound effect on my life..I have titled this blog

Things I Thoroughly Despise with a Burning Passion

Wet Towels on the Bed- If you put your towel on my bed I will revoke your towel privileges. How does it feel to drip dry in the shower? Shake like a dog? Try to use toilet paper to get dry? Sorry I’m not sorry.

Out of control facial hair- I am very vocal about my dislike for unkempt facial hair. No Shave November nearly Put me over the edge. Seriously I was walking around with a razor in my purse with some barbisol chasing after the atrocity of beards that were in a 3 mile radius. Now that its December, please keep it to a minimum gentleman. I’m trying to avoid beard burn during the holidays.

The Annoying Guy at the Party- Why is he so close to my face? Why is it that everywhere I go he seems to find me? Even when I go pee he tries to come to the bathroom with me. I literally just ran away mid-conversation and he didn’t take the hint. He offered me alcohol and I refused. This should be a great hint at my lack of interest. I am so confused.

Shia, my love..has no idea I exist. He also still looks hot with a broken arm. Swoon.

Hot Guy that is totally not interested in me and by hate (sorry mom) I totally mean I still want you but have come to the sad realization that we will no longer lock eyes across a crowded dance floor and find love in a hopeless place.

SERIOUSLY!

Girls who look good at the gym- Dear Gym Bitties, take off the eyeliner, stop wearing so much spandex and color coordinating your outfit. It’s sickening. Ok, I will admit it. I am a little jealous. You do look really pretty while running. What is your secret to not sweating? Why don’t you look tired after four miles? Oh now you’re going to do an ab workout? You’re a stupid bitch.

The two freshman in the corner making out at a party- Okay, so after four years of college you learn that making out in public probably isn’t one of the best ideas you’ve had. It’s okay we all do it. So when I see the two drunk children making out in the corner while dry humping each other I get a little nostalgic..okay... not really that’s friggin' disgusting take it back to your freshman dorm please.


Forehead Kisses- This is a little inaccurate. Forehead kisses are great. They are endearing and show you care in a protective, “I will punch someone in the face if they hurt you” kind of way. It’s very sweet. But I think that they should be reserved for the far and few. Forehead kisses should not be given away like free candy. They should be kept locked up awaiting for someone who you will not only attack a human being for but who makes your stomach do the flip flop nana banana bing bong.

The Dumb Crying Bitch- She’s probably crying about some asshole who clearly isn’t as invested in the relationship as she is or else he would be there making her laugh and paying for her drinks. She’s got her entire girl posse rubbing her back, giving her inspirational advice like “He probably just has a hard time expressing himself emotionally because he’s a guy”. What a load of bullshit that is. Pick your friend up give her a shot of tequila, tell her the fucking truth, peel her off the bar at the end of the night, and help her put her pjs on when you take her home.

One Word Answers- OK. SURE. YES. NO. COOL. GREAT.

When you think you’re the man- We get it, everyone loves you. Your smart, charming, attractive, funny...does your list of talents ever end? You want to know what really makes you the man. Playing scrabble with your Nana every Monday. Forgetting you’re the man for five minutes to see how everyone around you is doing.





Well everyone, I know this blog was filled with entirely too much cheer so I just wanted to let you know that I LOVE puppies. They make my heart melt like a popsicle on the 4th of July. I am immediately a better, kinder, caring, and more considerate person when I am near a puppy. HINT HINT.

Happy Holidays,

Love (even though it doesn't exist)...The Bitter Bitch.