The Toast

So my mom got married yesterday evening, I know some of you take pride in the fact that I normally am a heartless bitch making fun of the inner workings of my crappy relationships or hating on men. Deep down, I may even be serious!


Since I was the maid of honor at my mother's wedding I had to dig down deep in my tiny grinch heart to come up with the proper words to describe her and her new husbands love for one another. (Happy people, gagging noises ensue)



The Toast:
When I was growing up my mom was the person who nagged at you repeatedly to put on an ironed shirt and pair of jeans before leaving the house. Once I was grown up she reminded me not to drink too many beers out at night with my friends. In Rick and I’s case both these things still happen.
Since Wendy brought me into this world I have no choice but to listen to her. However, Rick does not. But that's the kind of guy Rick is, he figured something out in two years what it took me 17 years to figure out. That my mother is always right and without her in our lives we would be drunk and wrinkly.


I am so lucky to have a mother that is not only my caretaker but my best friend. She taught me that patience, kindness, and responsibility are some of the most important virtues a person can possess. This is why I am not surprised that she chose to marry a man that possess’ all of these qualities. Any man that lets three 21 year old girls invade his home, take his SUV to Orlando, tries all of my culinary creations, and makes the bed every morning is not someone you pass up.


What I’m trying to say is all we really want is someone who accepts us for our obsessive cleaning habits or preference for over-cooked meat. Someone who loves us no matter what. Someone who will kiss our seven heads at night telling us everything will be okay. I am so happy that my mom and Rick have found that in each other.
I wish you a lifetime of happiness, cheers!




Okay, so maybe I'm not heartless after all. But at least I'm still a bitch.


A Wedding Dose of Teen

Life Lessons with a side of hope

The world might be a shitty place with thoughtless people and crappy weather...but we can't let that affect us. There's still booze, cute old couples, and dancing in the rain.

Urban Dictionary

So I'm going to admit that I 'urban dictionaried' my name this afternoon. I know, how self-obsessed can I be. I was half expecting some demeaning lingo about being a slut or a neurotic bitch. Wait...those are bad things? But Urban Dictionary had a nice little surprise for me.

Christina:
The coolest, cutest, nicest girl ever. With the best personality, also very quick witted and very smart. Everyone should get to meet her at least once.


Gosh, UD I'm blushing! On a serious note whoever wrote this...please contact me..asap.

Then there was a video of chimpanzees kissing. Which may seem weird to you guys but I often have dreams that I am having a baby and then I actually have said 'baby' and it is a chimpanzee. I don't think I want to know what dreaming about giving birth to primates means.

And then they continue to flatter all the Christina's in the land with this paragraph:

Christina, is a lovely whip smart, worldly person with a slight streak of madness that enlivens conversations and entertains anyone who meets her. She is a magnetic artist. She lives every day like an artist. She instantly put me at ease with a warm feeling of familiarity. Maybe she has this effect on everyone, of giving the impression that she is an instant friend, or maybe we hit it off in some unusual way. She has a pure heart and believes in fairness. She is a team player and will put as much effort into a loved ones project as her own. She has a wicked sense of humour. Her beauty is timeless and classic. She values nurturing above all else. She puts you at ease with her beauty but at a turn can remind you she is the most stunning and intelligent woman in the room.

Now people, I can assure you Urban Dictionary is very confused. I have no idea what a magnetic artist is but if it has anything to do with art or magnets I struggle severely with both. I do most certainly entertain people because I am constantly doing embarrassing things like spilling food all over myself and falling on my face. In addition I always have great stories about almost killing co-workers on my first day of work or being asked out on a date at 16 by a 28 year old man after bagging his groceries. My heart is filled with ice do not believe this purity bullshit and life isn't fucking fair. I hate working in teams and prefer to do all the work myself because I know it will get done the right way. Help my loved ones? Psh, I love no one. Love is for wussies. Humor, I know nothing about. If my beauty is so timeless and classic why did I once wear petroleum glitter from Clarie's all over my eyes and hot topic skirts? Ask anyone about my motherly skills, little children run away crying when I am near. Additionally if I'm so intelligent why can't I remember how to do long division or to not date assholes?

Sorry this entire blog was about me. Sometimes I can be such a selfish bitch.
 
No Love,
 
Teen

Priorities

Molly- "Omg. Frozen Fenway is an NCAA Function so I'm not sure there will be beverages. Do you have a flask?"

Me- "...I'm seriously concerned"

Me - "Should we just watch at a bar across the street?"

Soul Mates

"Why aren't you here. I need a snuggle buddy!"

"Same. I wish we lived together. Some people can't even wipe down a counter."

"I scrub my counters with bleach and a toothbrush."

"We are soul mates."