Why Girls love Bad boys

“Well I mean he’s like totally wrong for me...we have nothing in common and I don’t even think he listens to me when I talk....but those are just semantics...he's got a strong jaw line and that's really important!"

Here's my (well researched) theory about the bad boys...

 I think when they were little their Mommys didn’t love them enough and now to spite the entire vajayjay gender population they feel the need to make every girl fall madly in love with them. Then they get some sick enjoyment in pulling the chair of their shitty relationship out from under the poor girl's ass and walking away. YEAH YOU REALLY SHOWED YOUR MOM THERE BUDDY.

Well jokes on you gentleman, because I am emotionally retarded. Work your “bad boy” ways on someone else. While I slander your personna in this blog. K thanks. Bye.


10 Reasons...HERE. WE. GO. Bad boys...BE-FUCKING-WARE

1.Daddy Issues
Was your dad in and out of your life as a child? Completely non existent? Did you once gift him a bottle of salad dressing and an empty scratched/broken picture frame on sale at Linens and Things only to be re-gifted with the same frame and a photo of your dad in his “modeling” phase? Do you rely on “daddy” for everything? Did your dad LOVE you and SUPPORT you too much leaving you overly trusting and naive about how boys really are? Did your dad convince you that “all boys should treat you like a princess?” Did your dad try to be your roommate and split rent with you and offer to stay at a hotel when you wanted to bring boys over? Have you answered yes to any of these questions or thought of an equally as strange scenario in which you have encountered with the man who helped bring you into this world? THEN YES, you got some daddy issues. And you seem to think a guy who never calls when he says he will, blows you off, but looks great in a faded pair of blue jeans and a white tee is going to “dissolve” this problem. Makes perfect sense.





2.The“I just don’t give a fuck” attitude

TAYLOR SWIFT wrote a song about how much he sucks and I am STILL disgustingly in love with him...look at that sweaty testosterone back & tattoo & guitar...nom.

Oh sure, it is really endearing and exhilirating at first except the only problem is this also includes NOT giving a flying fuck about you. So when you would rather spend the night playing a vigorous game of monopoly with a group of friends and they prefer to get wasted and makeout with a cheeseburger at Five Guys don’t be surprised when they choose to do exactly that. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Regardless of the situation. How cute is their “I don’t give a fuck” mentality now? Super cute right?

3.You get to be their mommy
What is better than reminding a guy about EVERYTHING he is supposed to do and when they don’t do it...doing it for them. Laundry, homework, dishes, remembering to put pants on, paying bills. Nothing better right? Oh sure I will pick you and all your drunk and disorderly friends up from the bars Saturday night...in my pjs because I have to work at 8 am the next day. Should I bring the mini van and some apples with peanut butter too? Do they want to sleepover, should I make pancakes in the morning for you boys too? GET BENT.

4.You can’t bitch about the good ones

Messy hair check...ask me to marry you...please?

Sometimes I think women just like to complain. Hell if you guys didn’t screw up so many times I wouldn’t have nearly as much material to blog about. What would we talk about with our girlfriends if you did everything right all the time? No one wants to hear happy news CONSTANTLY. We get some sort of sick satisfaction from calling our friends and screaming about the latest "bad boy fuck up".

5. Less likely to be DISAPPOINTED when they do something disappointing
  Jack Sparrow said it himself “you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest” When he does do something incredibly stupid like sleep with his ex girlfriend while you two are dating then you aren’t all that surprised because you KNEW he was a doucher anyways. Like I said before your "spidey sense" is always accurate.

Other things like sticking to dinner plans, texting you the morning after you first bone, actually playing monopoly with you, giving you flowers and a card for NO absolute reason, remembering your birthday, keeping their promises, helping your nana move her couch etc are all things you DEEP DOWN hope they will want to do for you but in all reality you know they are never going to do.

6. Big Dicks have Big Dicks ----usually. I don’t think I should have to elaborate on this anymore.

7.Who doesn’t love a project!
It’s like art and crafts, the cheap 99 cent glue just doesn't seem to stick the glitter on the paper as well as you thought it would. Instead you’re left with a huge mess and sticky fingers. Take that whatever way you want.


& "I CAN FIX HIM!" Philosophy

Oh you’re emotionally unstable?! 

Perfect!!

I will singlehandedly fix all your problems!
 You are incapable of caring about someone?

Let me forcefully try to make you talk about your feelings that you will never have for me.

 I can totally make you love me. Because love is something that is forced, not natural. DUH.

8.You are fuggin mysterious

I hope everyone remembers ROANOKE from American history class.

We never have a fucking clue what you are doing.  It’s all “GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE” one minute and then you literally pull a ROANOKE and disappear. Hot and heavy and then pure ICEBURGS of Titanic proportions in the tundra of the Arctic. Nothing makes a girl with daddy issues and confused images of what a real relationship is lust more than if she can’t have something. Why do you think so many of us want Christian Loubotin shoes?




9.Testosterone
Apparently you have more of the MANLY hormone than the typical male and our natural instincts are all
 “Ahhh I need a big strong man who can provide the seed to bear awesome children who will permanently ruin my body and cause you to make ego bruising jokes about how I should hit the gym after I produced your prodigal son."
Thanks hormones, how nice of you to chemically force us after the wild ones.

10. They always know just what to say at the right time or what not to say
This is like them giving you a bite of chocolate raspberry molten lava cake and then engulfing the rest of it in one bite right in front of you.
1. ASSHOLE, DON’T EVER  TOUCH MY CHOCOLATE CAKE!
2. You will always be craving more because you are never really satisfied, leaving you in an endless cycle of answering the phone every time he calls.

Here's a sidenote..because 11 reasons is just plain weird.

Dirty Hottt

For some reason you guys have this ability to be completely hot when you are totally unkempt (cough JOHN MAYER cough). You have mastered the “messy sexy hair” and the “my shirt has a stain on it” but I still look irresistable. Which is maddening because I always have messy hair and srains on my shirts but no one finds me irresistable! In fact they run away. At a brisk pace. When I try to make a joke in the yogurt aisle in the grocery store. Not like that really happened or anything...

Listen ladies,  PLEASE find a nice boy who will flirt with you without playing ridiculous mind games. Put him in a dirty t shirt and mess up his hair a little bit and you have the appearance without the douche-baggery. I know, I'm a genius. TRY IT.

"LA LA LA sorry sunshine I'm too busy with my nice boy now, go mess with someone elses mind"

Oh and girls love bad boys, but women love nice men. So eventually the bad ones lose to those gentleman in the perfectly tailored suits with platinum credit cards......ONE DAY. ONE DAY. PLEASE? SERIOUSLY. RICH MEN ARE YOU LISTENING?!


lots of love (even for the bad boys...) what can I say I'm STILL learning.

-Teen

Ode to Bitties

 It's been awhile I know. So I thought I'd just hit the ground running and not hold back...oh wait, that's how I always roll.

 This one's for the bitties.

Bitties: A word that originally came from the phrase "tig ol' bitties", meaning big ol' titties, which then got shortened to bitties therefore referring to women's breasts. The word has evolved and recently can be defined as any type of women one finds attractive or wants to "get with".

 *As defined by the lovely folks at Urban Dictionary

I felt the need to elaborate a LITTLE more... (shocking I know)

More specifically a bitty can be found in extremely tight and short clothing Thursday through Saturday (regardless of the weather, because finding someone to like you without freezing your ass off is actually impossible) hanging out with her "besties" taking an over-whelming amount of photos making any combination of the duck/kissy/ I'm smiling so hard it hurts photos with ALL 25 of her "best" friends.

Dear Bitties,

 In your tiny way too tight easy access skirt and ever so revealing sheer tops (we get it, you're a bulls eye, you clearly WANT IT). This ones for YOU!

 (Also, how the fuck is that comfortable? Can you breath? Is that why you're trying so hard to go home with that guy, because there is NO oxygen flowing to your brain!?)

May you one day realize that laughing at all of his jokes even when they royally suck will merely fill up their ego (AND something else may rise too) but not their heart or mind.

Sidenote: I'm not sure men even have brains most days...

May you understand that your photo does not have all those likes because you're pretty BUT because you're half naked and about to have a nip slip of Janet Jackson proportions.

May you realize that your overwhelming dependency on "mommy" and "daddy" for ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY everything and calling them that makes every man want to sprint as far away from you as possible.

It also makes those of us who had to wait three months for that $75 top to go on clearance at Urban Outfitters and still couldn't afford it want to push you down a flight of stairs.

Please, please please absorb that quoting Marilyn Monroe on a daily basis does not make you an intellectual. Or deep, or cute. Audrey Hepburn was far more bad ass anyway.

Understand that the reason he doesn't talk to you after you hookup is because that's all he wanted to do. Yes, that's tough to grasp, but here's a hint, that's all 98% of boys are after. The sooner you learn this the easier your INCREDIBLY difficult life will be.

*This is a generalization, girls with boobies are smart too!

Stop complaining to your friends at how you just "don't get why he doesn't seem to care"  It's because there's not an ounce of challenge (you're half naked already...way to leave something for the imagination...really)

 and when you tried to change the channel from ESPN in the morning to "Hoda and Kathy Lee" you are lucky you made it out of the bedroom alive

BY THE FREAKING WAY: ESPN was on as a hint for you to leave.

 I AM JUST HERE TO HELP OKAY!? Don't shoot the messenger.

And may you always remember that the boys dick around with the bitties but they marry the smart chicks.
***Feel free to cross over to the dark side of black rimmed glasses, big sweaters, and large cups of coffee, hey we even throw kahlua in it..! We will be waiting to welcome you with our open non-orange arms and intellectual conversations.



So please stop bragging about how many shots of Smirnoff raspberry you can take, shut your legs, and get working on that paper that's due Monday. Because contrary to popular belief...a good education will do more than pay for the heat to keep you warm at night, it will also buy you a really big closet for lots of shoes, lots of shoes that "mommy" and "daddy" will eventually stop paying for.

Now please don't be insulted or think I am singling you out (remember I have blogged about my mutual hatred of men & women MANY TIMES) I understand it's all one big mind fuck of a game. I've had my share of unintelligent decisions. How about we put down the eyeliner every once in a while and pick up a book. It may not have the immediate affect that attention from the male species can provide you however, I can guarantee you it certainly will last longer than his interest in you.



Peace, Love, and Books over Dumb-asses,

Christina

Man Quotes: Worthy of Blogging

Because sometimes guys actually say something worthy of my praise and appreciation..

"We're the only species that literally does things that don't make any sense. Everything else does something because it serves a purpose. We'd rather do something to make someone think something else than actually do or tell them what we want. Very dumb."

What Women Want

What do women want? What a perplexing and over-whelming subject to tackle. Guys have been absolutely clueless about this since I don't know the dawn of time? I’ll let you in on a little secret. Most of the time we have no fucking clue what we want either. We mostly know what we don’t want.

However lucky for you I am going to try to dig deep down into my non-existent feelings and come up with a few general things that the ladies really do want. Besides an all black Range Rover, Christian Louboutins, and a REALLY big .....boat.

To Laugh...a lot: I’ve said it before “If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything”

I have found no exception to this rule (even myself). I’m not talking about giggling or those  excruciatingly painful fake laughs either. It’s the kind that makes it so she can’t breath, she snorts, and has to grab your leg for support because yes, you are bringing her to her knees (MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER A-HOLES) Really there is nothing better. We don’t want to sit in bed at night and talk about the GDP (please if you don’t know what this is google it, and never ask me out on a date.) We want you to make goofy faces and accents that make us want to sleep with you even more than we already want to. So don’t be afraid to make yourself look like an idiot, that again ONLY makes you more attractive (unless it’s the bad kind like trying to convince us butt-sex is romantic or making out with someone right in front of us...) Even then we’re going to have to laugh because who calls butt-sex romantic? Or says something like, well she went 90% so I was obligated to go 10%. Oh by the way that’s stolen from Hitch.

For you to understand that we are indeed “fucking crazy” but to never EVER think of calling us this. Only we can reference ourselves as “nuts”, “crazy”, or “psycho”. You, as the man who wants to be with us better freakin' love us for our random rants about the stupidity of people who do not put their blinker on before turning
                                            (SERIOUSLY WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM DID YOU NOT

TAKE DRIVERS ED? HAVE YOU NEVER OPERATED A VEHICLE BEFORE!?) or how we freak out and jump in the air with excitement, even “attempting” to do the moonwalk when something really good happens. On the other end of the spectrum we reserve the right to crawl into the fetal position and sob uncontrollably when our day goes absolutely terrible. Please bring us tissues, some tylenol, water, and lots of kisses when this happens. If you don’t think you can handle any of this or all of this you should probably no longer date women.

Attention: JESUS CHRIST JUST TELL ME YOU THINK I’M PRETTY. How many times do I have to smile affectionately or lean over in this v-neck with this uncomfortable over-priced Victoria’s Secret bra. How about you complement my incredibly smart comment on the basketball game that I’ve been waiting to use for a week or how I seem to know everything about the Tyrannosaurus Rex? Please don’t make me beg for it. Wanna know a real killer move? Look in our eyes, putting that annoying piece of hair that always seems to fall in our face behind our ear, looking into our eyes, and kiss us. Dear god, that is the epidimey of attention. Please feel free to throw pillows at us, tickle us, and annoyingly poke us...until we get “fake mad” as well.

  
At least one John Cusack worthy life moment: You know how he puts the radio over his head below the girls window to express his undying love for her? I think every girl has their own version of this moment in their life. I will let you in on mine and then deny that I ever said it.

It’s a really crappy rainy day (yet somehow my hair still looks amazing, full of life, and is repelling water) but in reality I am soaked to the bone because of course I didn’t know it was going to rain and I wore neither a jacket or brought an umbrella, there are grocery bags in my hands and I am beyond frustrated because I had to go back into the store 3 times after forgetting the necessary items for a new recipe I have been dying to make. I am pissed off because some bonehead I am dating has been jerking me around for several months with his inability to commit when all of a sudden as I’m frantically trying to find my house keys (getting them while in the car clearly was too smart of a decision) and I look up to my super stud-ly handsome, looks great in the rain, man person to whom I really want to punch in the face is standing there in the rain  (with an umbrella because he KNOWS I don’t check the weather). He drops said umbrella and I’m standing there awkwardly holding my groceries..he of course takes them from my hands and gently places them on the ground..only to then grab my face with his hands and give me a kiss worthy of making my me wet my pants. (I’ll just let that one sit). No need for words here, the kiss says it enough, oh and the fact that I look like a drowned muskrat  with mascara running down her face and he still wants to touch me is just the icing on the cake.

For you to have your FUCKING shit together: There are two forms of this BTW

 1.There is nothing we hate more than being jerked around or waiting around for you to figure out what you what. If you have no idea what you want please don’t drag us around aimlessly with you like some security blanket. Sure we would love to help you make life decisions, weigh in on the things your not sure of. But if your changing your mind about us from one week to the next just do everyone a favor and cut the chord.

Ladies, if he isn't returning the warmth, toss ice on his balls.

2. If you are constantly broke, don’t have a car, can’t seem to ever do your own laundry, the place in which you reside looks like an atomic bomb went off in it and we are afraid to pee in your bathroom, your idea of a home-cooked meal is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on some stale bread and some jelly you stole from your roommate, you get obscenely drunk every weekend and either get in a fight, wet yourself, or act like a complete douche bag towards us then guess what YOU DON’T HAVE IT TOGETHER and it is time for us to say buh bye. Or call him and play this song on his Voicemail.

 THE BIG KAHUNA: Security/Love
Now I know everyone thinks I am an extremely heartless person (please have a chat with my best friends and you will realize that is totally not the case).

 I just understand the difference between “OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY!!!” and “I will always be here for you even when I want to punch you in the face and you make it incredibly difficult or something terribly bad happens like you get cancer or we file for bankruptcy”. Love is not sunshine and rainbows. It is an everyday compromise that you and another person make because you couldn’t imagine making those tough decisions with anyone else. Well ya know the ever-lasting kind. There are plenty of other kinds that are really great and really fun, but I’m pretty sure that the aforementioned is the only kind that can last a lifetime and the whole entire reason why we get so damn frustrated about this topic in the first place.Enough about that...

Let’s be real. Women are no picnic. No day at the sun-shiney beach...what we really want it to know that you’re there for us. That even though we are incredibly strong independent people you still want to protect us from the bad in the world...even if it’s in the form of a super scary eight legged creature in which is causing us to take refuge on the living room coffee table. We want you to feel a little over-protective when someone says something terrible about us or some guy hits on us right in front of you! We want to know when you are not in bed with us that you are going to bed ALONE (as in WITHOUT anyone else) and we want to be sure of that. No doubts whatsoever that Selena the Slut isn’t paying you a little visit at 2am. That’s security.

So there you have it. What women REALLY want from you. Yes it’s a lot to ask for. But so is the fact that we will bear your children and remember your mom’s birthday even though we can’t stand her?


Peace, Love, and Oreos!


Sincerely,

Jaded and Faded

It's completely and totally okay if...

You know when you beat yourself up about things...well you know what...

It's okay if you've been using your roommates conditioner for the past two days because you keep forgetting to buy your own.

It's okay if you complain about not getting dates and when people actually ask you out on them you deny deny deny.

It's okay if you confuse Harriet Tubman with Rosa parks in an attempt at making a witty historical comment.

It's okay if you run the red light because you looked both ways and didn't see a cop. At least you were safe.

It's okay if you ate a candy bar on the way home before dinner. Especially if you don't tell anyone about it.

Seriously, he was smart, rich, and well spoken...

It's okay if you wish you were Steve Jobs...or that you married him.

It's okay if you reward bad behavior with kind deeds.

It's okay if you consider your yoga pants to be your "sexy pants" and seriously consider wearing them to the bar.

It's okay if you had a LITTLE too much fun on the stripper pole last weekend.

It's okay if you made-out with more than one person last weekend too.

It's okay if you spend your Thursday night on the couch or in the library instead of at the bar.

It's okay if you crop dusted all of Walmart one especially gassy afternoon.

It's okay if you eat pizza for breakfast...that you left out overnight and may or may not have poured beer on last night.

It's okay if you feel like an absolute noob at the gym and have no idea what the fuck any of those machines are fore (oh, wait, maybe that's just me)

It's okay if you eat the cake batter, cookie dough, brownie mix...raw eggs and all.

It's okay if you think "Follow Friday" on twitter is "Fun Friday" or "Funnel Friday". Common misconception.

It's okay that whenever you see a guy who is really good with kids your heart melts a little.

It's okay that you can barely keep your bamboo plant alive and one day you may produce children.


 Feeling pretty zen tonight.

So Peace. Love. & Go Fuck Yourself <3