Things that make me want to punch people in the face

1. When girls don't stop complaining
Might have to punch myself a few times on that one (this entire post is me complaining, while watching Harry Potter, eating chocolate covered nuts, drowning myself in red wine). BUT really, I get it life is really difficult chasing after some guy who is totally uninterested in you and you're having a SERIOUSLY bad hair day. You stubbed your toe, there's no more diet coke in the fridge, and NO ONE is answering your texts. Chock it up as a loss and shut the fuck up.

2. When I'm trying to be cool and I look like this 

Yes that is a bag of tostitos that I brought to bed aka futon with me. 

3. Sean Paul. I can't explain it. Wait, no yes I can. CORN ROWS ARE NEARLY AS BIG OF A FASHION SIN as fanny packs and sweat shorts. No I will not shake that thing. You are so stupid it's silly Sean Paul.

4. When my wine glass is empty. I wish I was Harry Potter's girlfriend so he could set a charm for a never ending glass of wine. SWOON. That would be the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.


5. Feelings. Honestly, they are unnecessary and make me extremely uncomfortable. You know how Natalie Portman talks about having a peanut allergy to relationships? I HAVE THAT! When boys say nice things to me it makes me very uncomfortable and I want to vomit and I get really freaked out and run away just like this.

Also, I dream of the day when Ashton Kutcher or Justin Timberlake decide to have casual sex with me. Then they fall deeply and irrevocably in love with me. (COULD DEFINITELY/ONE DAY/REALLY SOON HAPPEN) and I can sing bleeding love while crying, eating donuts in my car.

6. Shaving my legs I manage to lose about 10 gallons of blood 3 out of 10 times I put my trusty venus in my hand. AND men don't even appreciate it. Gentleman, a fucking THANK YOU wouldn't hurt. We are taking 15 minutes out of our busy day to keep your legs soft as cashmere, nearly dying in the process, and always missing a spot (the world is out to get us one leg hair at a time obviously)

7. When you have to poop in a place in which you are not comfortable pooping. OH SHUSH. EVERYBODY POOPS.

8. MEN...why do men think its a good idea to get drunk and use electric saws? Why don't men understand my FABULOUS jokes and that my over-sized nana sweaters are GORGEOUS? Why do men like IHOP so freakin' much? Why do guys pick slores over nice girls? Why do you like to pick me up when you drink? Why do you eat so much, all the time? Why do you insist on hurting my friends? Why do you suck SO MUCH?!


9. When I push a door that is clearly labeled pull. GETS. ME. EVERY. TIME.

GO AWAY BITCH. 

10. When Harry Potter chose the wrong ginger. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. SHE'S SUCH A SLUT. Not really, I'm being a little dramatic. She seems like a nice girl and all but SHE'S THE WRONG GIRL GOD DAMNIT.
Ladies (put your crush in this sentence and you will understand my fury.)

By the way I'm only sort of sorry about all the Harry Potter references.

You know when you wakeup after a long night of drinking and you feel like you fell out of a plane without a parachute. Not to mention the person you brought home is NOT nearly as SMOKIN' as you thought the night before.

I wish that for you all.

LOTS OF NON EXISTENT LOVE,

The Bitter Bitch.

Shit every girl should know before college

1. If you drink copious amounts of booze and have a meal plan you will get fat.

Just being a fatty.

That is if the only exercise is your daily walk from your dorm room to the dining hall is the only exercise you participate in. Not to mention the late night dash for fried chicken and pizza and then later drowning your drunken munchies in peanut butter and fluff coated saltines. Just trust me. Losing my "blubber" (clever term for FAT) that I accumulated these past four years was not exactly "fun". Also, if you spill sardines on the floor at night do not leave that shit for the morning, your room will smell like ass for a week. So put the fork down and skip the ice cream sundae bar more often than not. Your body is a temple god damnit. Make exercise your pseudo friend you pretend to like because she has a lake house.

2. The first guy you meet in college will probably not be your boyfriend.

I remember the situation to a T. Classic case of confused freshman. He was in my Intro to Hospitality class and I happened to accidentally sit next to him cruising into class late one day. I was sweaty, disoriented, and might have fallen asleep on him but for some reason or another he was still interested in talking to me. Before I knew it he was in my dorm til the wee hours snuggling me because I was sick, I was getting dressed up for class so he'd be impressed by my sweet eyeliner and lipgloss skills,  going to his sporting events, and even making out with him at the rugby house. Little did I know that NONE of those things meant a guy wanted to have a relationship with you. SILLY FRESHMAN! Please, learn from my failures.

I think this is how I pictured my "budding" romance with Rugby Man..frolicking in the grass  in my tutu.

THEN after 3 YEARS and several failed attempts with men...

3. The more you hate men the more they want to date you
I never used to get asked out on dates, ever..seriously...ever. But this past year it's been really bizarre, boys seem to want to be nice to me and buy me drinks, and food, and do activities with me in PUBLIC! Perhaps I suddenly got really cool....no that's really fucking doubtful. But seriously, the angrier this blog got the more you men became interested in hanging out with me. Did you have high hopes of proving me wrong? Because not one of you did. Did you just want to see if the bitter bitch would accept your "kind gesture"? Was it a clever little game? I did a little research and I heard it's all about the "challenge". Apparently because I hate boys and their stupid penises that makes me MORE ATTRACTIVE to you! You want what you can't have or something proverby like that, I supposed. Chasing after things is REALLY FUN right? Doesn't that get tiring? Can't we just stop and get some ice cream and talk about puppies or something? This shit is exhausting.

4. Men are beyond challenged 

From the guy who made out with a girl right in front of me, the dude who cheated on his girlfriend with me, the other dude who cheated on his girlfriend with me (I DIDN'T KNOW I SWEAR!), the bartender who forgot to mention he was hooking up with my old roommate, the guy who credit carded me at the bar, the boy who dropped more one liners than a comedian, to the ex boyfriend who told me he hoped I enjoyed sleeping with everyone at UNH when I broke up with him (by the way I TOTALLY did, even the staff too!). Why do these things always happen? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Please, screw me over!". Then again thank you, you fuel the passion of my angry, bitter, evil blog in which I rip you to shreds. Ladies, just accept their handicap and pray you start to like girls.

5. Starbucks Cups cannot be microwaved.
THEY WILL BURN. Why did I nearly catch fire to so many before this sunk in? Put it in a mug, microwave...no smoke...why is that so hard to grasp?

6. TALK TO YOUR PARENTS AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK.
These people are footing a huge part of your education TYPICALLY. Fill them in. I even told my mom about some of my drinking adventures. Though she was not OVERLY impressed with me she did then share stories and tips on shot gunning beers when she was 14. I know, my mom's the BEST! College is a time when your a pseudo-adult and your parents will treat you like one too. HAVE A FUCKING CONVERSATION WITH THEM EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE.

7.  I did not need to buy cute pajamas

Oh, that's how you look in the morning? I hate you.

For some reason I was CONVINCED that I needed to spend money on really cute pjs so people in the dorms would think I was some put together, matching pajama wearing girl, who washes her face EVERY single night before going to bed. WELL FUCK THAT. Because that's not me. You're lucky if I'm wearing pants and if the shirt doesn't have a hole in it. And sometimes I'm a little too lazy to take my makeup off. My best friend tells me this "bad habit" will turn me into a old hag in no time if I keep it up to which she is probably right, bring on the cats. ANYWAYS, the moral of the story is don't try to be something your not. No one cares if your pajamas match.

8. Wine is delicious...and a great companion...the bottle was made for snuggling. 

9. An education you WANT is priceless
Just make sure you're doing what you love. Sure I could be a doctor but you know what gets me excited? Trying to figure out a seating chart for 200 guests and going to farmer's markets. Everyone has something that they are passionate about...mine just happens to be brunch and floral arrangements. Just figure it out...don't just do something because it looks good.

10. Make friends with the bouncers/bartenders/DJs
"You sure do have a thing for bouncers don't you?!" was a comment from my friend the other day.. EVERYWHERE no matter what city you're in its super important to be polite yet funny with the bouncers, DJ's, bartenders. THEY ARE YOUR MEAL TICKET. I do not have a "thing" for bouncers, I manipulate them into thinking I have a thing for them (kidding..kind of). I just want them on my side if something bad were to happen in the bar, or I need to cut the line, or I need a big man to hug when I'm drunk & lonely, or if I want a free drinks....nom..free booze is awesome.

11. Do NOT be "THAT GIRL" at the party
 By that girl I mean: the drunk crying bitch, the drunk bitch making out with every guy she sees, the drunk bitch puking on herself, the drunk bitch with no underwear in the teeny tiny dress, the drunk bitch who slaps a guy, the drunk bitch who throws beer on someone, the drunk bitch who thinks dancing on the table is a great idea and pulls a "Scarlet takes a tumble", the drunk bitch who does a split in the middle of a frat party (been there done that and I won't tell you the other one's I am guilty of)...
DEAR GOD SAVE YOURSELF THE EMBARRASSMENT..Every time I saw "THAT GIRL" (or occationally woke up and realized I was that girl)  I cringed and prepared to watch the train wreck unfold (or listened while hanging my head in shame). Everyone may "look" like they are enjoying the "show" but really they are laughing...at you. No joke. People are mean. But honestly, doing a split on a dirty flor was a great idea. Good job Christina.

As you can see I gained a lot of valuable wisdom in college. I could talk to you about my real education but for some reason most of you guys aren't interested in the five mother sauces or Revenue per Available Room..so I think I'll stick with making my mom proud via the internet.

Lots and Lots of Wisdom and Knowledge,

Teen

Why Girls love Bad boys

“Well I mean he’s like totally wrong for me...we have nothing in common and I don’t even think he listens to me when I talk....but those are just semantics...he's got a strong jaw line and that's really important!"

Here's my (well researched) theory about the bad boys...

 I think when they were little their Mommys didn’t love them enough and now to spite the entire vajayjay gender population they feel the need to make every girl fall madly in love with them. Then they get some sick enjoyment in pulling the chair of their shitty relationship out from under the poor girl's ass and walking away. YEAH YOU REALLY SHOWED YOUR MOM THERE BUDDY.

Well jokes on you gentleman, because I am emotionally retarded. Work your “bad boy” ways on someone else. While I slander your personna in this blog. K thanks. Bye.


10 Reasons...HERE. WE. GO. Bad boys...BE-FUCKING-WARE

1.Daddy Issues
Was your dad in and out of your life as a child? Completely non existent? Did you once gift him a bottle of salad dressing and an empty scratched/broken picture frame on sale at Linens and Things only to be re-gifted with the same frame and a photo of your dad in his “modeling” phase? Do you rely on “daddy” for everything? Did your dad LOVE you and SUPPORT you too much leaving you overly trusting and naive about how boys really are? Did your dad convince you that “all boys should treat you like a princess?” Did your dad try to be your roommate and split rent with you and offer to stay at a hotel when you wanted to bring boys over? Have you answered yes to any of these questions or thought of an equally as strange scenario in which you have encountered with the man who helped bring you into this world? THEN YES, you got some daddy issues. And you seem to think a guy who never calls when he says he will, blows you off, but looks great in a faded pair of blue jeans and a white tee is going to “dissolve” this problem. Makes perfect sense.





2.The“I just don’t give a fuck” attitude

TAYLOR SWIFT wrote a song about how much he sucks and I am STILL disgustingly in love with him...look at that sweaty testosterone back & tattoo & guitar...nom.

Oh sure, it is really endearing and exhilirating at first except the only problem is this also includes NOT giving a flying fuck about you. So when you would rather spend the night playing a vigorous game of monopoly with a group of friends and they prefer to get wasted and makeout with a cheeseburger at Five Guys don’t be surprised when they choose to do exactly that. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Regardless of the situation. How cute is their “I don’t give a fuck” mentality now? Super cute right?

3.You get to be their mommy
What is better than reminding a guy about EVERYTHING he is supposed to do and when they don’t do it...doing it for them. Laundry, homework, dishes, remembering to put pants on, paying bills. Nothing better right? Oh sure I will pick you and all your drunk and disorderly friends up from the bars Saturday night...in my pjs because I have to work at 8 am the next day. Should I bring the mini van and some apples with peanut butter too? Do they want to sleepover, should I make pancakes in the morning for you boys too? GET BENT.

4.You can’t bitch about the good ones

Messy hair check...ask me to marry you...please?

Sometimes I think women just like to complain. Hell if you guys didn’t screw up so many times I wouldn’t have nearly as much material to blog about. What would we talk about with our girlfriends if you did everything right all the time? No one wants to hear happy news CONSTANTLY. We get some sort of sick satisfaction from calling our friends and screaming about the latest "bad boy fuck up".

5. Less likely to be DISAPPOINTED when they do something disappointing
  Jack Sparrow said it himself “you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest” When he does do something incredibly stupid like sleep with his ex girlfriend while you two are dating then you aren’t all that surprised because you KNEW he was a doucher anyways. Like I said before your "spidey sense" is always accurate.

Other things like sticking to dinner plans, texting you the morning after you first bone, actually playing monopoly with you, giving you flowers and a card for NO absolute reason, remembering your birthday, keeping their promises, helping your nana move her couch etc are all things you DEEP DOWN hope they will want to do for you but in all reality you know they are never going to do.

6. Big Dicks have Big Dicks ----usually. I don’t think I should have to elaborate on this anymore.

7.Who doesn’t love a project!
It’s like art and crafts, the cheap 99 cent glue just doesn't seem to stick the glitter on the paper as well as you thought it would. Instead you’re left with a huge mess and sticky fingers. Take that whatever way you want.


& "I CAN FIX HIM!" Philosophy

Oh you’re emotionally unstable?! 

Perfect!!

I will singlehandedly fix all your problems!
 You are incapable of caring about someone?

Let me forcefully try to make you talk about your feelings that you will never have for me.

 I can totally make you love me. Because love is something that is forced, not natural. DUH.

8.You are fuggin mysterious

I hope everyone remembers ROANOKE from American history class.

We never have a fucking clue what you are doing.  It’s all “GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE” one minute and then you literally pull a ROANOKE and disappear. Hot and heavy and then pure ICEBURGS of Titanic proportions in the tundra of the Arctic. Nothing makes a girl with daddy issues and confused images of what a real relationship is lust more than if she can’t have something. Why do you think so many of us want Christian Loubotin shoes?




9.Testosterone
Apparently you have more of the MANLY hormone than the typical male and our natural instincts are all
 “Ahhh I need a big strong man who can provide the seed to bear awesome children who will permanently ruin my body and cause you to make ego bruising jokes about how I should hit the gym after I produced your prodigal son."
Thanks hormones, how nice of you to chemically force us after the wild ones.

10. They always know just what to say at the right time or what not to say
This is like them giving you a bite of chocolate raspberry molten lava cake and then engulfing the rest of it in one bite right in front of you.
1. ASSHOLE, DON’T EVER  TOUCH MY CHOCOLATE CAKE!
2. You will always be craving more because you are never really satisfied, leaving you in an endless cycle of answering the phone every time he calls.

Here's a sidenote..because 11 reasons is just plain weird.

Dirty Hottt

For some reason you guys have this ability to be completely hot when you are totally unkempt (cough JOHN MAYER cough). You have mastered the “messy sexy hair” and the “my shirt has a stain on it” but I still look irresistable. Which is maddening because I always have messy hair and srains on my shirts but no one finds me irresistable! In fact they run away. At a brisk pace. When I try to make a joke in the yogurt aisle in the grocery store. Not like that really happened or anything...

Listen ladies,  PLEASE find a nice boy who will flirt with you without playing ridiculous mind games. Put him in a dirty t shirt and mess up his hair a little bit and you have the appearance without the douche-baggery. I know, I'm a genius. TRY IT.

"LA LA LA sorry sunshine I'm too busy with my nice boy now, go mess with someone elses mind"

Oh and girls love bad boys, but women love nice men. So eventually the bad ones lose to those gentleman in the perfectly tailored suits with platinum credit cards......ONE DAY. ONE DAY. PLEASE? SERIOUSLY. RICH MEN ARE YOU LISTENING?!


lots of love (even for the bad boys...) what can I say I'm STILL learning.

-Teen

Ode to Bitties

 It's been awhile I know. So I thought I'd just hit the ground running and not hold back...oh wait, that's how I always roll.

 This one's for the bitties.

Bitties: A word that originally came from the phrase "tig ol' bitties", meaning big ol' titties, which then got shortened to bitties therefore referring to women's breasts. The word has evolved and recently can be defined as any type of women one finds attractive or wants to "get with".

 *As defined by the lovely folks at Urban Dictionary

I felt the need to elaborate a LITTLE more... (shocking I know)

More specifically a bitty can be found in extremely tight and short clothing Thursday through Saturday (regardless of the weather, because finding someone to like you without freezing your ass off is actually impossible) hanging out with her "besties" taking an over-whelming amount of photos making any combination of the duck/kissy/ I'm smiling so hard it hurts photos with ALL 25 of her "best" friends.

Dear Bitties,

 In your tiny way too tight easy access skirt and ever so revealing sheer tops (we get it, you're a bulls eye, you clearly WANT IT). This ones for YOU!

 (Also, how the fuck is that comfortable? Can you breath? Is that why you're trying so hard to go home with that guy, because there is NO oxygen flowing to your brain!?)

May you one day realize that laughing at all of his jokes even when they royally suck will merely fill up their ego (AND something else may rise too) but not their heart or mind.

Sidenote: I'm not sure men even have brains most days...

May you understand that your photo does not have all those likes because you're pretty BUT because you're half naked and about to have a nip slip of Janet Jackson proportions.

May you realize that your overwhelming dependency on "mommy" and "daddy" for ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY everything and calling them that makes every man want to sprint as far away from you as possible.

It also makes those of us who had to wait three months for that $75 top to go on clearance at Urban Outfitters and still couldn't afford it want to push you down a flight of stairs.

Please, please please absorb that quoting Marilyn Monroe on a daily basis does not make you an intellectual. Or deep, or cute. Audrey Hepburn was far more bad ass anyway.

Understand that the reason he doesn't talk to you after you hookup is because that's all he wanted to do. Yes, that's tough to grasp, but here's a hint, that's all 98% of boys are after. The sooner you learn this the easier your INCREDIBLY difficult life will be.

*This is a generalization, girls with boobies are smart too!

Stop complaining to your friends at how you just "don't get why he doesn't seem to care"  It's because there's not an ounce of challenge (you're half naked already...way to leave something for the imagination...really)

 and when you tried to change the channel from ESPN in the morning to "Hoda and Kathy Lee" you are lucky you made it out of the bedroom alive

BY THE FREAKING WAY: ESPN was on as a hint for you to leave.

 I AM JUST HERE TO HELP OKAY!? Don't shoot the messenger.

And may you always remember that the boys dick around with the bitties but they marry the smart chicks.
***Feel free to cross over to the dark side of black rimmed glasses, big sweaters, and large cups of coffee, hey we even throw kahlua in it..! We will be waiting to welcome you with our open non-orange arms and intellectual conversations.



So please stop bragging about how many shots of Smirnoff raspberry you can take, shut your legs, and get working on that paper that's due Monday. Because contrary to popular belief...a good education will do more than pay for the heat to keep you warm at night, it will also buy you a really big closet for lots of shoes, lots of shoes that "mommy" and "daddy" will eventually stop paying for.

Now please don't be insulted or think I am singling you out (remember I have blogged about my mutual hatred of men & women MANY TIMES) I understand it's all one big mind fuck of a game. I've had my share of unintelligent decisions. How about we put down the eyeliner every once in a while and pick up a book. It may not have the immediate affect that attention from the male species can provide you however, I can guarantee you it certainly will last longer than his interest in you.



Peace, Love, and Books over Dumb-asses,

Christina

Man Quotes: Worthy of Blogging

Because sometimes guys actually say something worthy of my praise and appreciation..

"We're the only species that literally does things that don't make any sense. Everything else does something because it serves a purpose. We'd rather do something to make someone think something else than actually do or tell them what we want. Very dumb."