Bitter Bitch Talks L.O.V.E.

I am going to share with you my thoughts on love. I know some of you are probably shocked because I parade around claiming that love and feelings are non existent fabrications in our minds, in which are a mix of crazy chemicals and hormones. Well, I honestly believe that. MOST of the time. Here’s the thing about real love. It doesn’t need to be in a relationship on facebook to feel official or  to  purchase fancy over priced gifts to prove your un-denying love to one another. It’s something you feel from the tippy top of your head down to your toes when that person walks in the room. They literally set your mind, heart, and *ahem* loins, ablaze. It’s this bizarre feeling of wanting to scream their name from the top of  “insert incredibly large building here” and hide underneath your bed in fear because your feeling so much and so strongly for a person. It's motivating, captivating, and a bunch of other really big positive action words that end in ING. But also, it’s way more fucking complicated than that too. It’s trying to meld families together and understanding that she puts the laundry detergent in last instead of first. That she is never going to know where her car keys are and he's always going to be late. It’s the balance between your own personal identity and the one you share together. It's learning to be proud and supportive rather than possessive. It’s personal beliefs and hobbies that clash and collide. It's apologizing even when you’re so stubborn you can’t ever imagine giving in to anyone else. It’s this blissful ignorance of kissing in public and not caring that everyone around you wants to strangle you. It's your boyfriend following you to the grocery store and tackling you in the aisle when you're pissed off because he "thinks" he's being romantic.

See, now I bet you thought I didn’t understand it. But don’t worry I do. I also understand how rare it is that all of the stars, moons, and bar fights can align perfectly to create a relationship that will last a lifetime or you know...a couple of years. The thing that is scary is where you end up when/if/somehow that relationship you spent so much time creating doesn’t work out. The long process that you have to set out on to recover when something you thought would last doesn’t. Can you love again? Will you be able to reveal so much of yourself to someone again? Maybe we are meant to love different people at different times of our life? Maybe we can love more than one person? Or maybe there is just one? Is it different for everyone? Will I end up like my parents? That’s the kind of shit you wonder about when in a real relationship.  And I certainly don’t have the answers to those anomalies. But I can wish you luck in your daring adventures into the mind boggling, mystifying ways of love. Or provide a really good sad song play list and a fabulous selection of cheap wines if things happen to go awry. 

Lots of ridiculous and bizarre love,

Teen

I feel SUPER sexy when...

The other morning as I crawled out of bed hair going every which way (not the "I just had sex" so it's okay to look like a slop tart look either) with some white stuff on my face (NOPE, not what you're thinking..it was pimple cream, because even though I'm not a teenager anymore sometimes my face pretends it it.)I got to thinking. Actually, I think a lot. And out loud. I never shut up really. Give me a bottle of wine and I'll realllllllyyyy let loose.



 But anyways, I got to thinking about all the things I do on a daily basis that are SUPER DROP DEAD SEXY.

Like waking up with pimple cream on my face in my ninja turtles t shirt and mens boxers that I bought for myself...

So here's the TOP TEN! (There's so many more..but I thought I'd save myself whatever shred of dignity I have left and keep it short)

1. My friends make fun of me for this all the time. For some reason EVERY TIME I put my retainers in my phone lights up like the fuckin' fourth of July. I could not have a phone call for weeks from anyone, well, besides my mother. Low and behold I pop in my rainbow retainer; suddenly a shit ton of people want to converse with me. (While writing this blog, wearing my retainers...I received my only phone call all day.)

When my retainers are in I just might talk with a bit of a lisp, make that creepy noise Hannibal Lector makes trying to swallow my spit, and if your fortunate enough to be in my presence while I am wearing them no matter how hard I try there is always that huge string of saliva that you can't escape when you try to take them out.

Yup, just let that image settle.

2. When I am trying to be REALLY, REALLY cool and I eat shit. It's inevitable. The rugs that have thrown themselves in front of me only for me to face plant into them, the docks in which my stilettos have been stuck in, the time I almost tumbled down the cobblestone in Portland. Normally there is a really cute boy on hand to witness my entire destruction. How is my awkwardness doing? Have I seduced anyone yet?

Being sexy in the snow.

3. The Wind rapes my face and all my hair gets stuck in my lipgloss...(usually driving..while some truck driver next to me watches me spit my hair out of my mouth) WHY?! The one day I decide to wear lipgloss does the wind decide to be 89 MPH? Mother nature, I fucking recycle more than anyone I know. STOP TORTURING ME.

Sidenote: The wind also likes to pick up when I'm in dresses too. Dresses that fly up when I'm wearing underwear that is buttless. And that is how I once mooned all of Portland one morning.

4. I see this picture of me as a kid.

5. At the beach: Now this is supposed to be a place where girls show off their bronzed bods and perky boobies. I have none of those. I'm that girl who gets taken out by a wave, loses her bikini bottoms, and is choking on salt water with a giant piece of seaweed in her hair.

6. I have my soy milk caramel lattee from Starbucks, I'm rocking my Michael Kors shoes, my big ass sunglasses, and I am actually wearing mascara...THEN I trip on a cobblestone and spill java all over my white shirt...Almost had you fooled for a second there...

7. My guy friend comes up to me and reaches for my face.....

& instead of telling me how amazingly beautiful I am and kissing me...he puts his finger in my mouth and picks pepper out of my teeth.

I put the 'SEX' in sexy.

8. Someone catches me going to town on a Wendy's chicken sandwich and fries while blasting Adele inside my car. Sometimes I forget that cars have windows...and people can see me...at least I wasn't crying. This time.











9. When I forget to put on deodorant and am self conscious about moving my arms ALL day. So I just do this strange arm movement that makes people wonder whats wrong with me.

10. I'm at yoga drenched in sweat, mascara dripping down my face, and the girl next to me looks like Angelina Jolie. BITCH.


Hope everyone enjoys my humiliation...I'm off to cry in the corner with a bottle of wine!

Things that make me want to punch people in the face

1. When girls don't stop complaining
Might have to punch myself a few times on that one (this entire post is me complaining, while watching Harry Potter, eating chocolate covered nuts, drowning myself in red wine). BUT really, I get it life is really difficult chasing after some guy who is totally uninterested in you and you're having a SERIOUSLY bad hair day. You stubbed your toe, there's no more diet coke in the fridge, and NO ONE is answering your texts. Chock it up as a loss and shut the fuck up.

2. When I'm trying to be cool and I look like this 

Yes that is a bag of tostitos that I brought to bed aka futon with me. 

3. Sean Paul. I can't explain it. Wait, no yes I can. CORN ROWS ARE NEARLY AS BIG OF A FASHION SIN as fanny packs and sweat shorts. No I will not shake that thing. You are so stupid it's silly Sean Paul.

4. When my wine glass is empty. I wish I was Harry Potter's girlfriend so he could set a charm for a never ending glass of wine. SWOON. That would be the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me.


5. Feelings. Honestly, they are unnecessary and make me extremely uncomfortable. You know how Natalie Portman talks about having a peanut allergy to relationships? I HAVE THAT! When boys say nice things to me it makes me very uncomfortable and I want to vomit and I get really freaked out and run away just like this.

Also, I dream of the day when Ashton Kutcher or Justin Timberlake decide to have casual sex with me. Then they fall deeply and irrevocably in love with me. (COULD DEFINITELY/ONE DAY/REALLY SOON HAPPEN) and I can sing bleeding love while crying, eating donuts in my car.

6. Shaving my legs I manage to lose about 10 gallons of blood 3 out of 10 times I put my trusty venus in my hand. AND men don't even appreciate it. Gentleman, a fucking THANK YOU wouldn't hurt. We are taking 15 minutes out of our busy day to keep your legs soft as cashmere, nearly dying in the process, and always missing a spot (the world is out to get us one leg hair at a time obviously)

7. When you have to poop in a place in which you are not comfortable pooping. OH SHUSH. EVERYBODY POOPS.

8. MEN...why do men think its a good idea to get drunk and use electric saws? Why don't men understand my FABULOUS jokes and that my over-sized nana sweaters are GORGEOUS? Why do men like IHOP so freakin' much? Why do guys pick slores over nice girls? Why do you like to pick me up when you drink? Why do you eat so much, all the time? Why do you insist on hurting my friends? Why do you suck SO MUCH?!


9. When I push a door that is clearly labeled pull. GETS. ME. EVERY. TIME.

GO AWAY BITCH. 

10. When Harry Potter chose the wrong ginger. IT'S JUST NOT FAIR. SHE'S SUCH A SLUT. Not really, I'm being a little dramatic. She seems like a nice girl and all but SHE'S THE WRONG GIRL GOD DAMNIT.
Ladies (put your crush in this sentence and you will understand my fury.)

By the way I'm only sort of sorry about all the Harry Potter references.

You know when you wakeup after a long night of drinking and you feel like you fell out of a plane without a parachute. Not to mention the person you brought home is NOT nearly as SMOKIN' as you thought the night before.

I wish that for you all.

LOTS OF NON EXISTENT LOVE,

The Bitter Bitch.

Shit every girl should know before college

1. If you drink copious amounts of booze and have a meal plan you will get fat.

Just being a fatty.

That is if the only exercise is your daily walk from your dorm room to the dining hall is the only exercise you participate in. Not to mention the late night dash for fried chicken and pizza and then later drowning your drunken munchies in peanut butter and fluff coated saltines. Just trust me. Losing my "blubber" (clever term for FAT) that I accumulated these past four years was not exactly "fun". Also, if you spill sardines on the floor at night do not leave that shit for the morning, your room will smell like ass for a week. So put the fork down and skip the ice cream sundae bar more often than not. Your body is a temple god damnit. Make exercise your pseudo friend you pretend to like because she has a lake house.

2. The first guy you meet in college will probably not be your boyfriend.

I remember the situation to a T. Classic case of confused freshman. He was in my Intro to Hospitality class and I happened to accidentally sit next to him cruising into class late one day. I was sweaty, disoriented, and might have fallen asleep on him but for some reason or another he was still interested in talking to me. Before I knew it he was in my dorm til the wee hours snuggling me because I was sick, I was getting dressed up for class so he'd be impressed by my sweet eyeliner and lipgloss skills,  going to his sporting events, and even making out with him at the rugby house. Little did I know that NONE of those things meant a guy wanted to have a relationship with you. SILLY FRESHMAN! Please, learn from my failures.

I think this is how I pictured my "budding" romance with Rugby Man..frolicking in the grass  in my tutu.

THEN after 3 YEARS and several failed attempts with men...

3. The more you hate men the more they want to date you
I never used to get asked out on dates, ever..seriously...ever. But this past year it's been really bizarre, boys seem to want to be nice to me and buy me drinks, and food, and do activities with me in PUBLIC! Perhaps I suddenly got really cool....no that's really fucking doubtful. But seriously, the angrier this blog got the more you men became interested in hanging out with me. Did you have high hopes of proving me wrong? Because not one of you did. Did you just want to see if the bitter bitch would accept your "kind gesture"? Was it a clever little game? I did a little research and I heard it's all about the "challenge". Apparently because I hate boys and their stupid penises that makes me MORE ATTRACTIVE to you! You want what you can't have or something proverby like that, I supposed. Chasing after things is REALLY FUN right? Doesn't that get tiring? Can't we just stop and get some ice cream and talk about puppies or something? This shit is exhausting.

4. Men are beyond challenged 

From the guy who made out with a girl right in front of me, the dude who cheated on his girlfriend with me, the other dude who cheated on his girlfriend with me (I DIDN'T KNOW I SWEAR!), the bartender who forgot to mention he was hooking up with my old roommate, the guy who credit carded me at the bar, the boy who dropped more one liners than a comedian, to the ex boyfriend who told me he hoped I enjoyed sleeping with everyone at UNH when I broke up with him (by the way I TOTALLY did, even the staff too!). Why do these things always happen? Do I have a sign on my forehead that says, "Please, screw me over!". Then again thank you, you fuel the passion of my angry, bitter, evil blog in which I rip you to shreds. Ladies, just accept their handicap and pray you start to like girls.

5. Starbucks Cups cannot be microwaved.
THEY WILL BURN. Why did I nearly catch fire to so many before this sunk in? Put it in a mug, microwave...no smoke...why is that so hard to grasp?

6. TALK TO YOUR PARENTS AT LEAST 4 TIMES A WEEK.
These people are footing a huge part of your education TYPICALLY. Fill them in. I even told my mom about some of my drinking adventures. Though she was not OVERLY impressed with me she did then share stories and tips on shot gunning beers when she was 14. I know, my mom's the BEST! College is a time when your a pseudo-adult and your parents will treat you like one too. HAVE A FUCKING CONVERSATION WITH THEM EVERY ONCE AND A WHILE.

7.  I did not need to buy cute pajamas

Oh, that's how you look in the morning? I hate you.

For some reason I was CONVINCED that I needed to spend money on really cute pjs so people in the dorms would think I was some put together, matching pajama wearing girl, who washes her face EVERY single night before going to bed. WELL FUCK THAT. Because that's not me. You're lucky if I'm wearing pants and if the shirt doesn't have a hole in it. And sometimes I'm a little too lazy to take my makeup off. My best friend tells me this "bad habit" will turn me into a old hag in no time if I keep it up to which she is probably right, bring on the cats. ANYWAYS, the moral of the story is don't try to be something your not. No one cares if your pajamas match.

8. Wine is delicious...and a great companion...the bottle was made for snuggling. 

9. An education you WANT is priceless
Just make sure you're doing what you love. Sure I could be a doctor but you know what gets me excited? Trying to figure out a seating chart for 200 guests and going to farmer's markets. Everyone has something that they are passionate about...mine just happens to be brunch and floral arrangements. Just figure it out...don't just do something because it looks good.

10. Make friends with the bouncers/bartenders/DJs
"You sure do have a thing for bouncers don't you?!" was a comment from my friend the other day.. EVERYWHERE no matter what city you're in its super important to be polite yet funny with the bouncers, DJ's, bartenders. THEY ARE YOUR MEAL TICKET. I do not have a "thing" for bouncers, I manipulate them into thinking I have a thing for them (kidding..kind of). I just want them on my side if something bad were to happen in the bar, or I need to cut the line, or I need a big man to hug when I'm drunk & lonely, or if I want a free drinks....nom..free booze is awesome.

11. Do NOT be "THAT GIRL" at the party
 By that girl I mean: the drunk crying bitch, the drunk bitch making out with every guy she sees, the drunk bitch puking on herself, the drunk bitch with no underwear in the teeny tiny dress, the drunk bitch who slaps a guy, the drunk bitch who throws beer on someone, the drunk bitch who thinks dancing on the table is a great idea and pulls a "Scarlet takes a tumble", the drunk bitch who does a split in the middle of a frat party (been there done that and I won't tell you the other one's I am guilty of)...
DEAR GOD SAVE YOURSELF THE EMBARRASSMENT..Every time I saw "THAT GIRL" (or occationally woke up and realized I was that girl)  I cringed and prepared to watch the train wreck unfold (or listened while hanging my head in shame). Everyone may "look" like they are enjoying the "show" but really they are laughing...at you. No joke. People are mean. But honestly, doing a split on a dirty flor was a great idea. Good job Christina.

As you can see I gained a lot of valuable wisdom in college. I could talk to you about my real education but for some reason most of you guys aren't interested in the five mother sauces or Revenue per Available Room..so I think I'll stick with making my mom proud via the internet.

Lots and Lots of Wisdom and Knowledge,

Teen

Why Girls love Bad boys

“Well I mean he’s like totally wrong for me...we have nothing in common and I don’t even think he listens to me when I talk....but those are just semantics...he's got a strong jaw line and that's really important!"

Here's my (well researched) theory about the bad boys...

 I think when they were little their Mommys didn’t love them enough and now to spite the entire vajayjay gender population they feel the need to make every girl fall madly in love with them. Then they get some sick enjoyment in pulling the chair of their shitty relationship out from under the poor girl's ass and walking away. YEAH YOU REALLY SHOWED YOUR MOM THERE BUDDY.

Well jokes on you gentleman, because I am emotionally retarded. Work your “bad boy” ways on someone else. While I slander your personna in this blog. K thanks. Bye.


10 Reasons...HERE. WE. GO. Bad boys...BE-FUCKING-WARE

1.Daddy Issues
Was your dad in and out of your life as a child? Completely non existent? Did you once gift him a bottle of salad dressing and an empty scratched/broken picture frame on sale at Linens and Things only to be re-gifted with the same frame and a photo of your dad in his “modeling” phase? Do you rely on “daddy” for everything? Did your dad LOVE you and SUPPORT you too much leaving you overly trusting and naive about how boys really are? Did your dad convince you that “all boys should treat you like a princess?” Did your dad try to be your roommate and split rent with you and offer to stay at a hotel when you wanted to bring boys over? Have you answered yes to any of these questions or thought of an equally as strange scenario in which you have encountered with the man who helped bring you into this world? THEN YES, you got some daddy issues. And you seem to think a guy who never calls when he says he will, blows you off, but looks great in a faded pair of blue jeans and a white tee is going to “dissolve” this problem. Makes perfect sense.





2.The“I just don’t give a fuck” attitude

TAYLOR SWIFT wrote a song about how much he sucks and I am STILL disgustingly in love with him...look at that sweaty testosterone back & tattoo & guitar...nom.

Oh sure, it is really endearing and exhilirating at first except the only problem is this also includes NOT giving a flying fuck about you. So when you would rather spend the night playing a vigorous game of monopoly with a group of friends and they prefer to get wasted and makeout with a cheeseburger at Five Guys don’t be surprised when they choose to do exactly that. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME. Regardless of the situation. How cute is their “I don’t give a fuck” mentality now? Super cute right?

3.You get to be their mommy
What is better than reminding a guy about EVERYTHING he is supposed to do and when they don’t do it...doing it for them. Laundry, homework, dishes, remembering to put pants on, paying bills. Nothing better right? Oh sure I will pick you and all your drunk and disorderly friends up from the bars Saturday night...in my pjs because I have to work at 8 am the next day. Should I bring the mini van and some apples with peanut butter too? Do they want to sleepover, should I make pancakes in the morning for you boys too? GET BENT.

4.You can’t bitch about the good ones

Messy hair check...ask me to marry you...please?

Sometimes I think women just like to complain. Hell if you guys didn’t screw up so many times I wouldn’t have nearly as much material to blog about. What would we talk about with our girlfriends if you did everything right all the time? No one wants to hear happy news CONSTANTLY. We get some sort of sick satisfaction from calling our friends and screaming about the latest "bad boy fuck up".

5. Less likely to be DISAPPOINTED when they do something disappointing
  Jack Sparrow said it himself “you can always trust a dishonest man to be dishonest” When he does do something incredibly stupid like sleep with his ex girlfriend while you two are dating then you aren’t all that surprised because you KNEW he was a doucher anyways. Like I said before your "spidey sense" is always accurate.

Other things like sticking to dinner plans, texting you the morning after you first bone, actually playing monopoly with you, giving you flowers and a card for NO absolute reason, remembering your birthday, keeping their promises, helping your nana move her couch etc are all things you DEEP DOWN hope they will want to do for you but in all reality you know they are never going to do.

6. Big Dicks have Big Dicks ----usually. I don’t think I should have to elaborate on this anymore.

7.Who doesn’t love a project!
It’s like art and crafts, the cheap 99 cent glue just doesn't seem to stick the glitter on the paper as well as you thought it would. Instead you’re left with a huge mess and sticky fingers. Take that whatever way you want.


& "I CAN FIX HIM!" Philosophy

Oh you’re emotionally unstable?! 

Perfect!!

I will singlehandedly fix all your problems!
 You are incapable of caring about someone?

Let me forcefully try to make you talk about your feelings that you will never have for me.

 I can totally make you love me. Because love is something that is forced, not natural. DUH.

8.You are fuggin mysterious

I hope everyone remembers ROANOKE from American history class.

We never have a fucking clue what you are doing.  It’s all “GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE” one minute and then you literally pull a ROANOKE and disappear. Hot and heavy and then pure ICEBURGS of Titanic proportions in the tundra of the Arctic. Nothing makes a girl with daddy issues and confused images of what a real relationship is lust more than if she can’t have something. Why do you think so many of us want Christian Loubotin shoes?




9.Testosterone
Apparently you have more of the MANLY hormone than the typical male and our natural instincts are all
 “Ahhh I need a big strong man who can provide the seed to bear awesome children who will permanently ruin my body and cause you to make ego bruising jokes about how I should hit the gym after I produced your prodigal son."
Thanks hormones, how nice of you to chemically force us after the wild ones.

10. They always know just what to say at the right time or what not to say
This is like them giving you a bite of chocolate raspberry molten lava cake and then engulfing the rest of it in one bite right in front of you.
1. ASSHOLE, DON’T EVER  TOUCH MY CHOCOLATE CAKE!
2. You will always be craving more because you are never really satisfied, leaving you in an endless cycle of answering the phone every time he calls.

Here's a sidenote..because 11 reasons is just plain weird.

Dirty Hottt

For some reason you guys have this ability to be completely hot when you are totally unkempt (cough JOHN MAYER cough). You have mastered the “messy sexy hair” and the “my shirt has a stain on it” but I still look irresistable. Which is maddening because I always have messy hair and srains on my shirts but no one finds me irresistable! In fact they run away. At a brisk pace. When I try to make a joke in the yogurt aisle in the grocery store. Not like that really happened or anything...

Listen ladies,  PLEASE find a nice boy who will flirt with you without playing ridiculous mind games. Put him in a dirty t shirt and mess up his hair a little bit and you have the appearance without the douche-baggery. I know, I'm a genius. TRY IT.

"LA LA LA sorry sunshine I'm too busy with my nice boy now, go mess with someone elses mind"

Oh and girls love bad boys, but women love nice men. So eventually the bad ones lose to those gentleman in the perfectly tailored suits with platinum credit cards......ONE DAY. ONE DAY. PLEASE? SERIOUSLY. RICH MEN ARE YOU LISTENING?!


lots of love (even for the bad boys...) what can I say I'm STILL learning.

-Teen

Ode to Bitties

 It's been awhile I know. So I thought I'd just hit the ground running and not hold back...oh wait, that's how I always roll.

 This one's for the bitties.

Bitties: A word that originally came from the phrase "tig ol' bitties", meaning big ol' titties, which then got shortened to bitties therefore referring to women's breasts. The word has evolved and recently can be defined as any type of women one finds attractive or wants to "get with".

 *As defined by the lovely folks at Urban Dictionary

I felt the need to elaborate a LITTLE more... (shocking I know)

More specifically a bitty can be found in extremely tight and short clothing Thursday through Saturday (regardless of the weather, because finding someone to like you without freezing your ass off is actually impossible) hanging out with her "besties" taking an over-whelming amount of photos making any combination of the duck/kissy/ I'm smiling so hard it hurts photos with ALL 25 of her "best" friends.

Dear Bitties,

 In your tiny way too tight easy access skirt and ever so revealing sheer tops (we get it, you're a bulls eye, you clearly WANT IT). This ones for YOU!

 (Also, how the fuck is that comfortable? Can you breath? Is that why you're trying so hard to go home with that guy, because there is NO oxygen flowing to your brain!?)

May you one day realize that laughing at all of his jokes even when they royally suck will merely fill up their ego (AND something else may rise too) but not their heart or mind.

Sidenote: I'm not sure men even have brains most days...

May you understand that your photo does not have all those likes because you're pretty BUT because you're half naked and about to have a nip slip of Janet Jackson proportions.

May you realize that your overwhelming dependency on "mommy" and "daddy" for ABSO-FUCKING-LUTELY everything and calling them that makes every man want to sprint as far away from you as possible.

It also makes those of us who had to wait three months for that $75 top to go on clearance at Urban Outfitters and still couldn't afford it want to push you down a flight of stairs.

Please, please please absorb that quoting Marilyn Monroe on a daily basis does not make you an intellectual. Or deep, or cute. Audrey Hepburn was far more bad ass anyway.

Understand that the reason he doesn't talk to you after you hookup is because that's all he wanted to do. Yes, that's tough to grasp, but here's a hint, that's all 98% of boys are after. The sooner you learn this the easier your INCREDIBLY difficult life will be.

*This is a generalization, girls with boobies are smart too!

Stop complaining to your friends at how you just "don't get why he doesn't seem to care"  It's because there's not an ounce of challenge (you're half naked already...way to leave something for the imagination...really)

 and when you tried to change the channel from ESPN in the morning to "Hoda and Kathy Lee" you are lucky you made it out of the bedroom alive

BY THE FREAKING WAY: ESPN was on as a hint for you to leave.

 I AM JUST HERE TO HELP OKAY!? Don't shoot the messenger.

And may you always remember that the boys dick around with the bitties but they marry the smart chicks.
***Feel free to cross over to the dark side of black rimmed glasses, big sweaters, and large cups of coffee, hey we even throw kahlua in it..! We will be waiting to welcome you with our open non-orange arms and intellectual conversations.



So please stop bragging about how many shots of Smirnoff raspberry you can take, shut your legs, and get working on that paper that's due Monday. Because contrary to popular belief...a good education will do more than pay for the heat to keep you warm at night, it will also buy you a really big closet for lots of shoes, lots of shoes that "mommy" and "daddy" will eventually stop paying for.

Now please don't be insulted or think I am singling you out (remember I have blogged about my mutual hatred of men & women MANY TIMES) I understand it's all one big mind fuck of a game. I've had my share of unintelligent decisions. How about we put down the eyeliner every once in a while and pick up a book. It may not have the immediate affect that attention from the male species can provide you however, I can guarantee you it certainly will last longer than his interest in you.



Peace, Love, and Books over Dumb-asses,

Christina

Man Quotes: Worthy of Blogging

Because sometimes guys actually say something worthy of my praise and appreciation..

"We're the only species that literally does things that don't make any sense. Everything else does something because it serves a purpose. We'd rather do something to make someone think something else than actually do or tell them what we want. Very dumb."

What Women Want

What do women want? What a perplexing and over-whelming subject to tackle. Guys have been absolutely clueless about this since I don't know the dawn of time? I’ll let you in on a little secret. Most of the time we have no fucking clue what we want either. We mostly know what we don’t want.

However lucky for you I am going to try to dig deep down into my non-existent feelings and come up with a few general things that the ladies really do want. Besides an all black Range Rover, Christian Louboutins, and a REALLY big .....boat.

To Laugh...a lot: I’ve said it before “If you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything”

I have found no exception to this rule (even myself). I’m not talking about giggling or those  excruciatingly painful fake laughs either. It’s the kind that makes it so she can’t breath, she snorts, and has to grab your leg for support because yes, you are bringing her to her knees (MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER A-HOLES) Really there is nothing better. We don’t want to sit in bed at night and talk about the GDP (please if you don’t know what this is google it, and never ask me out on a date.) We want you to make goofy faces and accents that make us want to sleep with you even more than we already want to. So don’t be afraid to make yourself look like an idiot, that again ONLY makes you more attractive (unless it’s the bad kind like trying to convince us butt-sex is romantic or making out with someone right in front of us...) Even then we’re going to have to laugh because who calls butt-sex romantic? Or says something like, well she went 90% so I was obligated to go 10%. Oh by the way that’s stolen from Hitch.

For you to understand that we are indeed “fucking crazy” but to never EVER think of calling us this. Only we can reference ourselves as “nuts”, “crazy”, or “psycho”. You, as the man who wants to be with us better freakin' love us for our random rants about the stupidity of people who do not put their blinker on before turning
                                            (SERIOUSLY WHAT IS YOUR FUCKING PROBLEM DID YOU NOT

TAKE DRIVERS ED? HAVE YOU NEVER OPERATED A VEHICLE BEFORE!?) or how we freak out and jump in the air with excitement, even “attempting” to do the moonwalk when something really good happens. On the other end of the spectrum we reserve the right to crawl into the fetal position and sob uncontrollably when our day goes absolutely terrible. Please bring us tissues, some tylenol, water, and lots of kisses when this happens. If you don’t think you can handle any of this or all of this you should probably no longer date women.

Attention: JESUS CHRIST JUST TELL ME YOU THINK I’M PRETTY. How many times do I have to smile affectionately or lean over in this v-neck with this uncomfortable over-priced Victoria’s Secret bra. How about you complement my incredibly smart comment on the basketball game that I’ve been waiting to use for a week or how I seem to know everything about the Tyrannosaurus Rex? Please don’t make me beg for it. Wanna know a real killer move? Look in our eyes, putting that annoying piece of hair that always seems to fall in our face behind our ear, looking into our eyes, and kiss us. Dear god, that is the epidimey of attention. Please feel free to throw pillows at us, tickle us, and annoyingly poke us...until we get “fake mad” as well.

  
At least one John Cusack worthy life moment: You know how he puts the radio over his head below the girls window to express his undying love for her? I think every girl has their own version of this moment in their life. I will let you in on mine and then deny that I ever said it.

It’s a really crappy rainy day (yet somehow my hair still looks amazing, full of life, and is repelling water) but in reality I am soaked to the bone because of course I didn’t know it was going to rain and I wore neither a jacket or brought an umbrella, there are grocery bags in my hands and I am beyond frustrated because I had to go back into the store 3 times after forgetting the necessary items for a new recipe I have been dying to make. I am pissed off because some bonehead I am dating has been jerking me around for several months with his inability to commit when all of a sudden as I’m frantically trying to find my house keys (getting them while in the car clearly was too smart of a decision) and I look up to my super stud-ly handsome, looks great in the rain, man person to whom I really want to punch in the face is standing there in the rain  (with an umbrella because he KNOWS I don’t check the weather). He drops said umbrella and I’m standing there awkwardly holding my groceries..he of course takes them from my hands and gently places them on the ground..only to then grab my face with his hands and give me a kiss worthy of making my me wet my pants. (I’ll just let that one sit). No need for words here, the kiss says it enough, oh and the fact that I look like a drowned muskrat  with mascara running down her face and he still wants to touch me is just the icing on the cake.

For you to have your FUCKING shit together: There are two forms of this BTW

 1.There is nothing we hate more than being jerked around or waiting around for you to figure out what you what. If you have no idea what you want please don’t drag us around aimlessly with you like some security blanket. Sure we would love to help you make life decisions, weigh in on the things your not sure of. But if your changing your mind about us from one week to the next just do everyone a favor and cut the chord.

Ladies, if he isn't returning the warmth, toss ice on his balls.

2. If you are constantly broke, don’t have a car, can’t seem to ever do your own laundry, the place in which you reside looks like an atomic bomb went off in it and we are afraid to pee in your bathroom, your idea of a home-cooked meal is a peanut butter and jelly sandwich on some stale bread and some jelly you stole from your roommate, you get obscenely drunk every weekend and either get in a fight, wet yourself, or act like a complete douche bag towards us then guess what YOU DON’T HAVE IT TOGETHER and it is time for us to say buh bye. Or call him and play this song on his Voicemail.

 THE BIG KAHUNA: Security/Love
Now I know everyone thinks I am an extremely heartless person (please have a chat with my best friends and you will realize that is totally not the case).

 I just understand the difference between “OH MY GOD I LOVE YOU SO MUCH BABY!!!” and “I will always be here for you even when I want to punch you in the face and you make it incredibly difficult or something terribly bad happens like you get cancer or we file for bankruptcy”. Love is not sunshine and rainbows. It is an everyday compromise that you and another person make because you couldn’t imagine making those tough decisions with anyone else. Well ya know the ever-lasting kind. There are plenty of other kinds that are really great and really fun, but I’m pretty sure that the aforementioned is the only kind that can last a lifetime and the whole entire reason why we get so damn frustrated about this topic in the first place.Enough about that...

Let’s be real. Women are no picnic. No day at the sun-shiney beach...what we really want it to know that you’re there for us. That even though we are incredibly strong independent people you still want to protect us from the bad in the world...even if it’s in the form of a super scary eight legged creature in which is causing us to take refuge on the living room coffee table. We want you to feel a little over-protective when someone says something terrible about us or some guy hits on us right in front of you! We want to know when you are not in bed with us that you are going to bed ALONE (as in WITHOUT anyone else) and we want to be sure of that. No doubts whatsoever that Selena the Slut isn’t paying you a little visit at 2am. That’s security.

So there you have it. What women REALLY want from you. Yes it’s a lot to ask for. But so is the fact that we will bear your children and remember your mom’s birthday even though we can’t stand her?


Peace, Love, and Oreos!


Sincerely,

Jaded and Faded

It's completely and totally okay if...

You know when you beat yourself up about things...well you know what...

It's okay if you've been using your roommates conditioner for the past two days because you keep forgetting to buy your own.

It's okay if you complain about not getting dates and when people actually ask you out on them you deny deny deny.

It's okay if you confuse Harriet Tubman with Rosa parks in an attempt at making a witty historical comment.

It's okay if you run the red light because you looked both ways and didn't see a cop. At least you were safe.

It's okay if you ate a candy bar on the way home before dinner. Especially if you don't tell anyone about it.

Seriously, he was smart, rich, and well spoken...

It's okay if you wish you were Steve Jobs...or that you married him.

It's okay if you reward bad behavior with kind deeds.

It's okay if you consider your yoga pants to be your "sexy pants" and seriously consider wearing them to the bar.

It's okay if you had a LITTLE too much fun on the stripper pole last weekend.

It's okay if you made-out with more than one person last weekend too.

It's okay if you spend your Thursday night on the couch or in the library instead of at the bar.

It's okay if you crop dusted all of Walmart one especially gassy afternoon.

It's okay if you eat pizza for breakfast...that you left out overnight and may or may not have poured beer on last night.

It's okay if you feel like an absolute noob at the gym and have no idea what the fuck any of those machines are fore (oh, wait, maybe that's just me)

It's okay if you eat the cake batter, cookie dough, brownie mix...raw eggs and all.

It's okay if you think "Follow Friday" on twitter is "Fun Friday" or "Funnel Friday". Common misconception.

It's okay that whenever you see a guy who is really good with kids your heart melts a little.

It's okay that you can barely keep your bamboo plant alive and one day you may produce children.


 Feeling pretty zen tonight.

So Peace. Love. & Go Fuck Yourself <3

Casual Conversations: "Guy-aitis"

 I decided to give up men...

Haha, or you could give up assholes.

...He used to be so sweet

 Haha, you're cute.

 Despite being incredibly smart, I am so dumb when it comes to men.

 I know it must be hard being so hot and smart and sexy and not knowing how to pick one of us dribbling assholes.

It's a serious problem!!!

It's V-Day not D-Day

So I bet everyone is expecting a super angry man bashing post where I’m obsessively drinking my wine with my sweatpants up to my sports bra while wearing an over-sized t shirt crying into a tub of Ben and Jerry. Well first of all I would never cry into a tub of Ben and Jerry because that would ruin the delicious taste of the ice-cream.

Long hair, don't care.

Secondly, I’m actually allergic to dairy products (which in all honesty doesn’t stop me). Well, being the stubborn bitter bitch I am, I abso-FUCKING-lutely refuse to be the stereo-typical single betch on Valentine’s Day. So Valentine’s Day isn’t your favorite holiday...who gives a fuck? So your single? Oh boohoo.

I’ve got far bigger fish to fry than to sit around moping about how no one care about me enough to take me out to dinner, buy me roses, and expects me to go home and sleep with them in some over priced lingerie.  HOW ORIGINAL.

Plus there are a lot of people out there who really do care about you. So what if it’s your mom. That lady gave birth to you. She picked you up when you fell off your bike and made sure you had new clothes every school year. That’s far better than some lame Russell Stovers chocolate that you take one bite out of and casually spit it out because it taste like cough syrup.

So much cuter than that photo of you and your boyfriend making out.

Oh and your friends. The kind of people who text dumb boys calling them “douches” for you or buy you “BEST FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS” Valentines day cards. MAYBE they even send you an entire POUND of chocolate in the mail..if you're lucky!

So they can’t feel you up or put their tongue in your mouth (well, depending on who your friends are). But they do know all your strange habits, amazing talents, and every dumb decision you made last weekend. Even better, they love you anyway. I think that kind of love and support is a bit more deep and meaningful than some over-priced dinner with someone who probably pisses you off more than they make you happy.

Yes, I am getting a lap dance from Tommy Thundah.

Your pet also cares about you. Granted they have no choice because you provide the food, water, and belly rubs. Sometimes I prefer to snuggle with my blind dog, who barely recognized me, and wets himself over a guy because he’s been in my life for 16 years WHICH  is far longer than any romantic relationship I will ever have...and he probably isn’t going to make it to 17. Must cherish his snoring and obsessive barking. He also used to out-run me and ALWAYS be wherever I was walking when I was little inevitably tripping me while I had a drink in my hand causing me to go ass over tea kettle while chocolate milk rained down on me. Those are precious memories.

WHAT a handsome little devil.

Being alone isn’t all that awful. Sometimes there’s nothing better than to take up the entire bed while praying you dream about Ryan Goslings perfectly chiseled body....on yours. Or for the guys who actually read this blog Adrianna Lima...(god is there anything wrong with that girl?)



Happy Valentine's Day and Stuff.

If you do something ridiculous...I will blog about you

For those of you who play a part in my day to day life it is no secret to you that most of my blogs are inspired by :

A. The outlandish and overwhelmingly ridiculous things that happen in my life
B. The equally as insane and mouth-gaping wide open in astonishment occurrences in my friends lives. (My friends now call me to challenge my horror stories with their own..which is great because misery abso-FUCKING-lutely loves company.
C. Or something incredibly random that pops into my head while I am blaring Beyonce "Best I never Had" and singing with my Starbucks coffee up as my microphone only to look over and see the man in the 18 wheeler pointing at me while laughing hysterically. Glad I could make your day sir. I perform every Monday and Wednesday at 9:30am and 2pm from the Portsmouth to Dover exits in New Hampshire. Next weeks performance will include Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger", please don't judge me when I miss those high notes...I'm a blogger not a professional singer..despite the fact I practiced in my bedroom with my hairbrush in my underwear all week.


So here is an A story:
Everywhere I go something weird happens. A normal day in my life doesn't exist.

A couple of my friends and I toured the Redhook Brewery yesterday. I found myself at the bar (woah BIG surprise there) as we had an hour wait before the tour and I needed to drink to make that hour of being around food that I couldn't eat a bit more bearable.

I am salivating at the thought of this wondrous confection.

The tour eventually began and I could barely listen to all the information about hops, pulping the beer, something about fermentation, and the difference between a lager and an ale.  I just wanted some more beer. Then he started talking about JELLY BEANS which immediately caught my attention. There is only one kind of jelly bean I like  which is funny, because I mentioned it in How to Not be an Asshole just that day. It is the super tasty-licious buttered popcorn flavored jelly bean.

Apparently most people in the world find this jelly bean to be horrendously disgusting! Something about some chemical that doesn't flow right with your palate. HEY WAIT! This man just insulted my palate!

While my choices in men are NOT EXACTLY STUPENDOUS..and my friends taunt me about this on a daily basis my palate IS COMPLETELY FINE. I am a GREAT judge of delicious cuisine, you barbaric periodic table loving tour guide man!  Anyway I proceed to stand up for my favorite sugared bean and then ask him where his favorite bar is. I mean, I've been drinking a little, maybe a high school chemistry teacher is JUST what I need in my life. I go on to make some innapropriate jokes about Nut Brown Ale, take my souvenir tasting glass home with me, eat a steak burrito, take a nap, and get back up to go to the bars.

Of course some guys walk in...and I look at my friend, "Oh he's kind of hot!"..."Teen, they were on the Redhook tour with us today" ..."Really..maybe that's why he looked familiar" I am terrible with names/faces/caring about any man in general so it wasn't a big surprise I didn't remember them. Eventually we walk by them at the bar and one of them grabs me and begins screaming, "REDHOOK OMG IT'S REDHOOOOOOOOOOK!...GUYS, LETS DO SHOTS, REDHOOOOOOK YOU ARE BADASS!!!"

I am a celebrity!!!!! At a seedy college bar with some drunk fuck offering to buy me drinks. I would have been REALLY excited if I wasn't stone cold sober and FILLED to the tippy top of my tummy with digesting burrito-goodness.....or if I gave a flying rooster about drunk guys at the bar trying to get some.

Any who he proceeded to buy three rounds of shots in which I politely declined...and he still bought. He is incredibly friendly too. By "friendly" I mean he keeps showing me how everyone keeps bumping into him at the bar by rubbing his hands up my crotch and ass only to stop at my boobs. Yes, I am sure that 6' 5" 250lb football player just molested your junk and pinched your bum. Why stop at just before my boobs, you've already sexually harassed me 3 times...clearly there are no boundaries, just go for the whole she-bang buddy, this is the most attention I've had in weeks.

Tom also lets me stick my finger in his mouth.

Then my friend gets the bright idea to suggest that I am not drinking because I am afraid of being roofied. To ease my "fears" before I even know what is happening Glen (yes that was his name) decides to grab my face, tilt my head back open my mouth with his fingers and attempt to pour his "roofied" drink into my mouth. I AM NOT KIDDING. I was literally in shock. No one has ever tried to stick their hands in my mouth at a bar before. (Well besides Tom but he has earned that privilege by letting me crawl into his bed pants-less at 6am when I'm sad, lost, wearing a tiara, and hungover. ) He then went on to continue to grope me, tell me he loved me profusely, attempt to throw his gum in a cup, struggle to get off a bar stool, and before I left for the night I received a marriage proposal and an attempt to make out with me...which I cleverly dodged by swirling my head into his chest like a fighting bull.

Why do I need a boyfriend when I can go to the bar and be drunkenly harassed by strangers. Seriously, it's just the greatest.

But in all honesty is there some sort of sign on my forehead that beckons these men to me? What the hell am I doing wrong here? SOMEONE send reinforcements! Everyone wonders why I prefer to sit on my couch in my sweatpants with a bottle of wine and Greys Anatomy.

I can't imagine why no one normal ever finds me...

Lots of excitement and happiness per usual,

Teen

How To Not Be an Asshole

To all the women of the world this is a no brainer. To all the men in the world we just can't seem to comprehend why these SIMPLE rules seem to be so INCREDIBLY hard for you to follow. An incredibly wise and wordly women once said, "Surprised by men, never, further convinced of their stupidity...yes." I don't know why I continue to try to help you guys when all you seem to do is ditch us at bars, fill us up with meaningless bullshit, or sleep with our friends. But HEY I am a nice person and I believe that education is the key to change. Despite the fact that the more things change the more they stay the same.

Here to teach all you dumbasses a valuable lesson.

1. Tell the Fucking Truth: If you master this one, I just might have to marry you. For the sake of that fact that you will be the only honest man on the planet.

Let me make this clear. Stop lying. There is no need to tell us you're hanging out with your best friend when you are really out to dinner with your ex girlfriend. Why? Because we probably already know. Do not ever underestimate women's ability to find shit out. I can't really describe how I know when something is wrong but it's literally this SPIDEY SENSE that goes off in my body. Some of you non-comic book freaks might like to call it "female intuition" whatever it is we have it. A guy will say something to you and the receptors in your brain go off saying, "That is the purest form of absolute horseshit I have ever heard."

      In any situation honesty is the best policy. You win points for being straightforward. If some girl tried to makeout with you last night at a party chances are one of our friends was there and they saw. You bet she's texting me that night to let me know. So gents you better be ready for us to test you. Be ready the next morning to inform us of that dirty rotten home-wrecking skank who tried to publicly grope you.
     Perhaps you are no longer romantically interested in us. Hey that's fine. I know I'm awesome and amazing but if you no longer see that I will survive And by survive I mean tell everyone you have herpes and hookup with all your friends or even more depressing sit on the couch eating one Hershey's kiss after another while drinking wine out of the bottle with my best friend (Kidding...sort of). But anyway, just give us a friendly little heads up. If the girl goes nutzo then NO WONDER you aren't interested and thank goodness you told her...if not..you now have a friend who will tell other girls that you are an honest decent guy. SO get this....she is now HELPING you get girls by spreading this message. WIN WIN!



2. Say something nice once in a while: Women are like plants. We must be watered and adored about once/twice a week. Tell us you like our shoes, our smile, the interesting things we say (who knew women had something to say!) our super sexy lacy underwear (I'M NOT WEARING THAT SHIT FOR MYSELF OKAY?!). A little attention will go a long way but it must be continual, because the first five times we're going to be flattered and not believe you. Why, because men enjoy filling women up with bullshit.

Let's practice: "I really admire how hard you work, you're an incredibly smart, talented, and strong individual"    Gah,  I AM SWOONING ALREADY! Wait, no one said that to me...I just made that up...never mind. That's embarrassing.

Maybe something a little less intense: "Your smile is adorable" Cue heart melting. DAW!


3. A little EFFORT won't hurt: If you would like to spend some time with us then maybe you should. If when you are spending that time with us you are on the phone or ditch us at the bar to go hangout with all your friends then please don't bother. No we do not want to be babysat when we are around new people. We can hold our own conversations and SHOCKINGLY enjoy talking to people other than you on occasion. But don't pull a "now you see me now you don't" for an hour where were left sitting on the couch while your roommate hits the bong.

I have mastered the art of being the man in the relationship.

If you are romantically interested in us, feel free to affectionately touch us on and off too. A wink, the reassuring hand on the lower back,  messing with our hair (Hint: Some girls can't stand this...but if they are THAT worried about their hair then there are bigger issues) a from behind big ole bear hug, and fireman carrying us around are always GREAT ideas kiddos.

4. Somethin' Sweet: Remember what we like. Chocolate. Filet Mignon. Popcorn Jelly Beans, Ragefaces, Coors Light, Peace Signs, those stupid pandora charms, cherry chapstick, big t shirts. Remember the girls quirky likes...randomly gift them. It shows us you listen, you're putting in effort, and that you might not need to be on the 2012 list of Super Douchers. (Which I already have about 5 names for BTW...January hasn't even ended yet gentleman..STOP fucking with my friends)

5. Pretend to Care: If it's stupid like (my nail is broken, my life is over, you didn't text me GOODNIGHT last night, or "do you think you could be more like that dumb rich guy sleeping with 6 girls at once on The Bachelor who took Ashley P on that date to that gorgeous waterfall in Fiji with vintage Dom Perignon and gold dusted chocolate covered pretzels") Then please feel free to SPRINT rigorously in the other direction away from this "My life should be a fairytale and I am a PRINCESS" crazy bitch. But if our dog is dying, we just got a new job, we fell in a puddle, left our car window open in the rain, our best friend isn't speaking with us, and our favorite person to cuddle with is not around (Hey gents, this might be you). Then at least pretend to have some sympathy. We just want to know you hear us. "Wow, that sounds terrible, anything I can do to make it better?" We will tell you. And you should try to do whatever it is. Personally, I like sweatpants, my hello kitty blanket, a REALLY funny movie, and wine...with a side of man candy on zee couch. That may not be every women's preference though...so check with her.

This is lovely.

6. Use ya noggin: Ok, you know when you are about to do something stupid, immature, dumb, illegal, life threatening, dangerous etc? Take one moment and think,  "Is this going to make the other person in my life (or even my really good friend) mad, angry, upset, sad, cry, worried..." and then Re-evaluate. As women we worry about you guys. We have a general concern for your safety. Call it caring (I care for few, the rest I hope go bald at 25 and never get laid again in their life) but we don't like to see you guys get arrested, jump off the roof of the house into seemingly REALLY deep snow, or sleep with people you clearly shouldn't..ESPECIALLY when you're sleeping with us! End of story. If you choose to do these things anyway, be prepared for the consequences.

7. Invest in a watch: I'm a girl. I can always be late. I blame it on getting pretty for you. Why are you late? All you have to do is shower, put on clothes, and maybe a little hair gel (PLEASE NOT TOO MUCH!) Oh you were playing Call of Duty?! Manage your time appropriately. Look, in those 20 minutes I spent waiting...I could have been pinning on Pinterest. Girls participate in time consuming useless activities too.

8. Know how to apologize:  Oh, what a SURPRISE! You did something stooooopid. Now make up for it. We are going to ignore your first 3-10 calls (depending on how mad we are) and about your first 2-12 texts (again, depends on anger level) You might want to consider an apology Facebook message/email (that is the only way you can reach us now), offering to make us dinner, buying a bottle of our favorite alcohol (pinot grigio for me pwease), Lindt Chocolate, bring coffee to our work, or generally fawning over the greatness that is our existence. If you give up on trying to apologize to us we will also just assume you are an asshole and your lack of persistence only proves us right.

9. Do not tell us what to do: If I want to make you a sandwich I will. If I want to hangout with that person you don't like, yup I will. If I want to dye my hair blue and you despise it...it only makes me want to do it more. If you tell me not to wear converse, I will not hesitate to roundhouse you to the face with them on and permanently walk out of your life.

In fact I will make you more than a sandwich, I will make you and your friends a 3 course meal. But I will do that on my own time. If you demand things from us that is the surest way to not get what you want. If you ask nicely...then OF COURSE we would be happy to do something nice for you.  If you do not like that frilly, flowered, nana looking shirt we wear, say it nicely...we will oblige by not wearing it when you are around.
Additionally,
Do not tell us "Come here now" when we haven't heard from you all day and now that your six beers deep it has now occurred to you to contact us. It's just not gonna happen. We have our own life and our own incredibly busy schedule. Get your shit right.


Well boys, I hope this helps you to make some better choices in the realm of women. Learn from the men in mine and my friends lives mistakes. Let their poor decisions influence your next winning relationship (while it lasts...)

 Remember girls, listen to your SPIDEY SENSE.

XO Teen