You know you're from South Portland when..

Guess where my loyalty lies?

1.) When you say "I'm going to the store", it means ( Hannaford or Shaws)..also you're probably deathly loyal to one or the other.

2.) You refer to any area past Grandview as "Maiettaville"

3.) Your high school has aspestice and mold, not to mention the wall is breaking away from the floor and you can drop small objects like bits of paper and pencils down into the classroom below. (It only took 27 gazillion years for a renovation)

4.) It's a serious decision to pick where you're going to get ice cream in the summer (unless the ice cream truck drives by) Dairy Queen, Red's, or Beals..
editors note:
DQ has the best hot fudge.

There she is..in her PRIME!

Red's has amazing french fries, "nor'easters", and fat free ice cram.
Beals has great lobster rolls (or so some lady raved to me once), hard-serve, and that cute sparkly tip can with the names of the colleges the current SP student seniors who work there will be going to.
Let's be honest though: Were going wherever we know one of our friends are working so we can get a free sugar fix.

5.) Wendy's/Tim Horton's classified as a hangout when we had nothing better to do and no where to go.

6.) Deer Road is not just a street...but an activity...and if you're a super pansy..it's a scary one!

7.) Willard Beach is not a place you go during the day (there's a sewage pipe running into the water for Christ's sake) but a place people go at night to drink or smoke..maybe even both!
and inevitably get caught by the cops (oh yeah they figured you guys out a long time ago)

8.) EVERYONE is obsessed with Higgins Beach

No thanks, I have no soul..a steak and cheese would suit me better.

Even though they make you promise your soul to the devil and give your entire life's savings to park there AND there isn't a decent snack place unless you walk 12 miles, through sand and gravel..and gamble what's left of your life (you have no soul remember) trying to cross the busy street to a farm stand that sells vegetables and juice.

9.) Mr. Brogan and Mr. Chapin are not just men..but legends.

10.) You can name about 10 hoodrats off the top of your head.

11.) You still segregate your friendships based on where each other went to middle school.

"Oh that's right..you went to Mahoney..What's it like going to prison every day?" Do you miss those creepy vines strangling your school? I hope a duck bit you out at Millcreek park on a half day.."

There she blows!

"Well at least our school doesn't have mold and make our principal leave due to illness. Have fun at Dunkin Donuts or Willows after your school dances. We'll be hanging out in the shopping center trying to decide on Wendy's, McDonalds, Angelones...or stealing a 5th of vodka from Shaws!"

12.) You judge every body's prom dress...every year...as if it were the Oscars.. (wait what that's just me?!)

Prom '07  ( infants)

Prom '08 ( I became more bodacious sadly..and Molly..well STEPPED up her game from '07)

View this video: (Chris Biskup serenading my camera about taking his clothes off.. typical ..ps nothing I can do about the video being in the wrong direction)

13.) "Were watching a movie" being said to either of your parents means "Hey mom and dad ________'s (insert friend's name here) parents aren't home and we're having a huge ripper at their house and some one's going to get in a fight and someone else is going to break something, and that girl will be all over all the guys, and then he's gonna toss his cookies all over the antique couch Nana gave _____'s mom on her death bed"

14.) You still secretly wish that senior you had a crush on when you were a freshman would suddenly notice you for the amazing person you are...and make out with you at the bars.

15.)HOP is not what bunnies do. It is a place where you eat pizza or yummy cheeseburger subs!

16.) Your parents have waited  in line for hours with magazines and lawn chairs to sign you up for rec camp.

17.) You miss when Thatchers was inside the Maine Mall. Weathervane was an awesome store when you were 12 and bought your first thong there. Also you weren't cool in elementary school unless you shopped at Limited Too (now called Justice..WTF is that shit.)

18.)  A typical weekend as a kid consisted of sleeping over one of your friends house's
        Staying up too late talking on AIM to your gf/bf or "crush", playing Nintendo 64, eating bagels.
        Going to the mall or the movies the next day meeting up with those people you were instant
        messaging all night.


19.) Happy Wheels was a great place, curse "AUTOsucksLAND". Couple skates, roller blades, and the chicken dance..my god I want to be 10 again.

20.) You claim there is "nothing to do" in SoPo yet every time you leave you miss EVERYTHING about it. From your Mom's chop suey, Dad's cursing at the television, you're "AMAZING" friends, that pot-hole that ruins your front end alignment for some reason you can't seem to remember its there, your bed, the tree in your front yard, drinking in your buddies basement, lack of responsibility, your friends parents, the soap dispenser in your bathroom, the dent in the hall, your cat that died 10 years ago...(the list goes on)

Additional Notes:

*You refer to the "Upper Parking Lot as the UPP which makes abosolutely no sense"
* Sledding @ the UPP at night after a huge snowstorm is something you still enjoy..at the age of 25.
*You went to school somewhere far away... and then transferred to UMAINE Orono
*Officer Friendly didn't seem so friendly when he gave you that summonses.

So quitchabellyachin'

You fucking love your city.

A "So Po Hoe" Dose of Teen

Seemingly Random Facts Accumulated ..for all 21 years of my life!

1.) If you wear deodorant before bed...you will sweat less during the say! (Sweaty, smellies...take note)

2.) Large amounts of Vitamin C are bad if you would like to have a baby (which is weird because generally Vitamin C is such a healthy vitamin!)

3.) When bagging groceries you must think of it like making a box, building a house, and handle with care. Heavier items on bottom but you must create balance..light items on top..must support themselves standing up. SUCCESS.

4.) Men are easier to sell expensive things too. ( Might be their impatience)

5.) When your dinner knife is pointed ridges towards the person next to you (it means you wish harm upon them!)

6.) The pineapple is the sign for Hospitality as well as Swingers!

7.) Due to their wrinkles..bulldogs faces/ears/nose should be cleaned once if not twice a day..(note to all: they really do not enjoy this)

8.) Lhasa Apso's (a type of dog..view this gem of a photo of our 14 year old dog Austin for visual) used to be popular dogs for emporers in China!

9.) Birds do not pee.

10.) Frogs can change sex.

11.) If you ever run into a tyrannosaurus Rex..do not move (they have shitty eyesight and will not see you!)

12.) The world is round, not flat

13.) Pangaea is  the name of all the continents put together

14.) The microwave must be cleaned.

15.) If you do not water your plants, they will die.

16.) Babies are not for the faint of heart.

17.) Proper wedding etiquette for the wedding party: ( A gift is not necessary for the wedding, anytime during the year after the wedding is okay!) Hence why I am waiting to give my brother and sister in law their gift...until like June.

18.) ridiculous is spelled like this <---- not "rediculous"

19.) The pleats on a chef's hat (100) stand for the number of ways that eggs can be made.

20.) Salt and Pepper is not found on the table of a gourmet meal because it is considered and insult to the chef (the food should be properly seasoned and excellent tasting at a gourmet meal)

It's okay if...

It's okay if...

you got a "little" scared when Natalie Portman's eyes turned red in Black Swan

you claim you "worked hard all day long" when you "unintentionally" checked facebook every 10 minutes.

you've already broken your new years resolutions (cough, me, cough)

your life is a total, "hot mess"..at least you have a life!

your boss takes pictures of you posing with gun hands flaunting your assets as a not so buff and sexy Charlie's Angels (what...no one else is with me on that one?)

your mother is the only person who calls you...every day

you pee in the shower

chicken flavored Ramen, a handful of cheetos, and two table-spoons of Nutella classify as "dinner"

you don't read the 90 pages due for you mythical creatures class tomorrow and classify all Disney movies you've ever seen as "sufficient studying".

you don't wash your face before you go to bed (even though every freaken magazine tells you how infested your pillowcase will get)

you sip shots on your 21st birthday (just this once)

your friends call you "Mom"

you like it when your friends call you. "Mom"

you wait until your gas gauge is on "empty"...and then until it starts blinking at you...and then until you coast into the gas station on fumes...and then you only put $7.00 in the tank.

your dad wishes you "Happy Birthday" the day before your birthday

your lingerie collection consists of bras and undies from the clearance racks as Target, Macy's, and Vicky's Secret.

your boyfriend wears your sweat pants...that say.."Red Riots" across the ass (and you don't tell him)

you're idea of excercise is lifting all your belongings you removed from school for break..back up all the stairs to your apartment..

you have a crush on Justin Bieber...and are over the age of 21

you're getting a divorce.

you don't have a job (though you really should get the eff on that)

you still thoroughly "dislike" that girl from high school you tried to ruin your life (and if it's me..Oh wait.. I never did that!)






An Understanding Dose of Teen

Sassy, Mr. Dean, and a friendly threat from Lady Maybelline

Well Guys, I've been blogging for a whole baby's worth of months right now. (9 for those of you who don't know how long it takes to gestate life in your uterus oven)

It's been quite the metaphorical roller coaster. This blog started out really crappy because I was just writing about boring things like eating pizza, not telling everyone my mortifyingly embarrassing stories  about farting in front of boys, being angry about a breakups (See all my November posts..especially this one), or sharing whacky text messages I receive from the people I refer to as my friends.

I never thought my own mother would ask me, " Are you going to put me in your blog?" or for that matter call me while bored at work to get my blog address.

Well anyways I owe a lot of that inspiration to The Sassy Curmudgeon. I don't remember how I found her blog but my god the woman's fucking awesome.

She makes marriage, turning 30, and wearing sunglasses in bed for a migraine seriously, COOL. Every day I look forward to a witty blog post from this sassy betch.

Until this one day...she broke my heart into little tiny pieces (slight exaggeration) with a blog about a contest with Jimmy Dean breakfast sandwiches..

My reaction was sadness and disappointment. Sassy sold out. For a contest with crappy sandwiches. I couldn't not speak.. so I wrote this comment..

Teen said...

Okay Una, I've been reading you for almost a year now. You seem like someone who generally marches to their own drum with an occasional weak moment. I feel like this post is...well just that. I've eaten Jimmy Dean sandwiches, I've scanned their products for years as a cashier and my conclusion: the eggs taste like water, the cheese like plastic, the meat is overly salty, and the bread/whatever is containing the food turns hard and inedible before you can take a bite in the mere seconds it sits in the microwave. I get it, blogher, jimmy dean = promotional material, free food, more blog activity, and potentially even a profit. But what our society really needs to be doing is learning to shop on the outsides of the grocery store (staying away from processed foods), learn to cook, plan, and prepare their meals at home and limit their consumption of quick service restaurants and large portions so common in many restaurants today. I understand people are busy and time is something we as a nation have so little of.I'm just as guilty as the next person. Don't get me wrong I think you are great as a writer and find you incredibly hilarious, honest, and down to earth. But the sandwich I don't think was all that great. Especially if you compare it to what you could make in a frying pan at home with Jeff cheering you on. Sorry for being a downer everyone, it's just the curmudgeon in me! AND GUESS WHAT Sassy emailed me! My jaw dropped when I checked my email! She titled the email "selling out for sausage" and told me she hoped didn't lose me as a reader but really needed the cash! I was touched (not in the creepy way!)

Then I checked back on the blog post comments...

Anonymous said...

What "Teen" said. I'm disappointed in you, Una. Overly processed and marketed commercialized food is not the answer. I expected a little more integrity from you. Oh my god SOMEONE agreed with me! Excitement..then I read this...

MAYBELLINE  said...

I resolve to hunt "Teen" down and force feed her a Jimmy Dean Delights. Oh yes, we will laugh afterward and become life long friends. Until then, "Teen", sleep with one healthy eye open.

Your life isn't complete until a woman who shares a name with a cosmetic brand mildly threatens you with a breakfast sandwich via blog comment.

<3 An insane dose of teen featuring...crazy lady maybelline!