This one's for the boys

Now I know this blog is a little bit girlie. I sincerely apologize for my gender. So I thought I would take a day to honor the hardships men face in their life. You how girls always claim they have it "sooooo bad!" with that whole creating life thing. I'm going to discuss a few things that men have to do that really freaken suck.

1.) After a certain age when you fall off your bike, drop your ice-cream on the ground (listen that is DEVASTATING okay?!), or get hit in the face with a soccer ball it's NOT cool to cry. In fact our crazy society considers you a pansy. A few quick tears is really all that's allowed if anything. You gotta suck it up and continue to play even though the aftershock on your face is reverberating throughout your entire body.


2.) You constantly have to deal with women bitching about how much harder it is to be a girl. 
"Oh praise god HALLELUJAH to us we menstruate while multi-tasking!" 
I think you should all respond, " Try having a boner in front of your entire world history class during your 30 minute long presentation."  Now that is embarrassing.


3.) Infant girls start talking before you. This blows. Now you know why we never shut the eff up. We've been doing it longer. We've got a whole 1-2 months on you in that department and we produce more words as well. We are basically bitching at you before you can even respond to us. Don't worry as we turn into toddlers that gap closes a bit and you still make more than us in hourly wages.


4.)  Gentleman prepare. I am going to talk about your man parts.
Circumcision: If you're snipped or not..I feel for ya.

If you're snipped then we know that right around the time you were born someone cut skin off of your most sensitive region. Granted you're to young to remember but seriously, that has to be extremely painful as a young new born baby all helpless and trusting of your new parents...then they snip a piece of your weenie off! Not to mention the use of an anesthetic was not common until recently! Not to mention the bleeding and chance of infection after circumcision. I wouldn't develop talking skills until later in my life either if someone did that to me.

If you're not snipped then you have to worry about cleaning all the time. You are more prone to infection, UTI's, and tearing! This really blows. Having dad or mom teach you how to clean your special area is never a cool conversation and this just brings an extra step into the mix. No one wants to remind their son to clean their foreskin. As if you haven't been through enough there is the chance that you could tear! OUCH. (I'll let you guys decide how that could possibly happen but I mean yaaaaa know)

Okay enough about that.


5.) When you have a lady friend in your life ( if you're ever so blessed) and you're a nice decent guy you may feel obligated or pressured to buy her things. Those additional extras you have to buy for them add up. We are not cheap ( in some sense of the word). Flowers, movie tickets, dinners,  birthday gifts, Christmas gift, late night fast food stops all come out of your pocket so we can feel "loved". 




6.) After you play sports, you all shower together. That really sucks. You never know who might pee on you when you're not looking (ladies, this actually happens) or if someone is going to steal your towel or play some sort of sick prank on you especially if you are younger.


7.) You get a lot of "tough love", "be a man", and "own ups". Listen if you need a hug I'm here. Yeah a cold heart is good if you need to learn a lesson. But lots of love and kindness is WAY better in everyday life. So just be nice to the guys. Treat them like you would want to be treated. Let em cry...and eat cake. If they're an asshole to you well at least you were the better person!

8.) You're hairy. You grow hair everywhere. Yes we have to shave our legs a lot but we don't grow a jungle of hair on our faces ( most of us at least). We can cover up our cuts with a band-aid and a cute pair of jeans. If you tear a hole in your face mid-shave you have to put a little bit of toilet paper on it and pray you don't forget to take it off before you head out in public again. I'd suggest a full ski mask to cover your face or a hockey mask.. but you either look like a bank robber or an axe murderer. Pick your poison.

9.) This one I am stealing from one of the comedians we saw with Dane Cook. Delicious fruity alcoholic beverages are OFF LIMITS to you. How dare we deny the strawberry, pomegranate, slushie, orange infused, cherry drizzle, multi-colored booze ridden fishbowl from you. C'mon boys were going out for apple-tinis. Why? Because they taste like blow pops and fun dip.




10.) This one people is the big one. THE BIG ONE.

Boys, you gotta pop the FUCKING question. You have to pick out a ring for the woman of your dreams, pay lots of money for it, and then get down on one knee and ask her to spend the rest of her life with you. That is not easy. I don't blame you for taking your time to make such a life changing decision. I mean imagine..if the ring you picked out was HIDEOUS or you know..if she says no?





Peace, Love, and Hugs

A manly dose of Teen :0)

Quote me

Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you learn better. But, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved - a piece no future lover could ever get, no mater what. That piece holds innocence - the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget and that night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love would be. Everything that was proven wrong.

The Two Item Condom

Just a little embarrassing story for y'all this morning,

Back in the day when going to the mall was cool and you hung out in the food court and dream machine all day with a giant posse of of girls or maybe boys depending on your gender. You bought cheap earings that would make your ears swell and a plain t shirt that said "American Eagle" or "Weathervane" on it.  ( Hey originality is rare in middle school my friends.) 

Anyways after buying some really cheap shitty stuff or maybe a new cd by 50 cent cause he was actually cool then too.You would venture into the food court with your clan of hungry followers. My two favorite places to go were obviously Sarku ( the Japanese chicken is SO TASTY) and Panda Express ( the orange chicken is to DIE FOR!) Literally it's probably not even real chicken and it will inevitably clog my arteries and kill me. 

So anyways I'm in line with three of my lovely friends sporting a fury kongol immitation hat ( or some sort of strange head piece) About 11-13 years of age ( I'm not quite sure now that I am so old and wise) I have my tray and I'm excited. Anxiously awaiting for the 15 year old pimply Asian boy to take my order cause I'm stahhhhvin.  

Well he finally gets to me when I'm mid convo with my pal Molly O and 

he asks " What would you like today" 

Surprised and excited, I yell, "I'll have the two item condom..".. 

Shock, horror and embarassment dance all over my face as I grasp for the right words, "... I mean condom..."..."condom, condom, condom!" I exclaim. 

Suddenly a perfectly literate person has developed a stutter claiming for latex sexual protection in the Panda Express line.

Molly chimes in mid giggle and horrification of my exclamation of wanting two item condoms in front of a massive line of people , " combo please" and we move on.

 Thank god that wasn't humiliating or anything, my goodness.

A little dose of embarassment for you!

But in all seriousness kids WEAR CONDOMS (Elton John is an advocate therefore I am)

-Teen

Morning Thoughts

 Putting toothpaste on my pimples is probably not a good idea, my face smells minty..but so do my sheets. ( yeah I just admitted to having pimples.)


If I don't get my oil changed soon, the check engine light may just start talking to me or you know the engine might just fall out


Why does the stupid glass company next door feel the need to shatter window panes at 8am?


A body pillow isn't enough, it's time to hire a professional snuggler to spend the night with me. Does anyone know a good one?
Taking applications now, must enjoy criminal minds and not mind snoring..also willing to spoon at request.


I could really go for some eggs benny over brioche toast with a side of crunchy home fries..


Owls are majestic.

Stupid things I've done LATELY

Notice this is titled lately. I know there are way more entirely dumb things I've done in all 20 clumsy, disaster ridden, funky years of my life.

1.) Mistake the shower curtain for being similar to clothing garments. 
Putting it in the washing machine (Hey, it felt like cotton!) and then...putting it in the dryer.. Needless to say what was formarly a curtain is now a small square. I hung it up anyways.


2.) Purchased a quiche from a store
Most people are like, " Huh How is that a mistake?" well I make my own quiche and I was just feeling lazy and wanted something warm and hearty for breakfast for the week.  One bite into this quiche I realize it doesn't compare to my cheesy, eggy (spellcheck tells me this isn't a word, I beg to disagree), vegetable filled pie encrusted heaven.

3.) Having some really crazy dreams ( Now I'm not sure if this is in my control, but I think they deserve to be mentioned)
In a week long span I managed to have two celebrity dreams. Now normally I would have been hoping for Shia LaBeouf or Chase Crawford but nooo. I got ADAM SANDLER and Zach from Saved by the Bell. It's really stupid for me not to dream about the appropriate men. Anyways Adam Sandler was boring and just wanted to cuddle while Mark Paul Gosslin might have been my step brother at a weird farm-orphanage I was stuck at. SWEET DREAMS.

4.) Ordered a tomato, spinach, mozzarella pizza when I really wanted a BBQ chicken with caramelized onions. STUPID. New life rule: One should not be healthy when eating pizza as the people next to you will taunt you with their aromatic greasy, meaty pizza.



5.) Parked 3 blocks away from the Civic Center when it's down pouring and freezing. Enough said.


6.) Been convinced I was getting free airline tickets and signed up to receive free trials of makeup and body care products. Now the bastards are trying to charge me $80 bucks a month. This is probably my most epic of dumb decisions. I really wanted some free airline tickets! Not an expensive scam...


7.) Turned into one of those crazy ex-girlfriends.
Listen, I'm not proud but I am here to teach. If by my insanely idiotic behavior a person can  learn not to put their shower curtain in the dryer or order the proper pizza when extremely ravenous I consider this blog a success.
Anyways, I started doing all those things I really don't give two shits about like being obsessed over other girls talking to him or being ultra clingy. LISTEN DO NOT DO THIS. First of all because its annoying ( I was literally annoying the shit out of myself) and two this is not going to magically win your ex back. I am not a clingy person. In fact I am the opposite of clingy. I don't care if you do not want to see a crappy chick flick with me, you do not need to spend every waking hour of your day with me either, and I do not need you to wait outside the bathroom for me. It's just unnecessary.  But someone breaks up with you and you just go a little nutzo. ( Granted I did the breaking up so I put myself in this situation, all my fault I know) I inflict my own pain. Another stupid decision I've made. But gosh it's not rocket science to be a normal human being and civil during a breakup. Also it is probably not a good idea to continue talking to this person post breakup. Yes it's hard, yes you love them, yes you do not know any different. But you just end up hurting each other. Both of you basically just want to beat the crap out of one another for not making the relationship work the way you both thought it magically would and you continue to punish one another for no reason other than you just can't get over the idea of failing at something that was once so amazing. Then one of you asks if you slept with an oompa loompa on Halloween and you counter by hacking their email. Listen again, NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF HERE. Well you know you're crazy but you just couldn't stop. This next piece of information is vital. Apologize. Leave them alone and do some yoga or kick boxing. Find a new hobby and go to town. The best thing is to continue living your life as normally as possible. Acting out or doing stupid things isn't going to make anything better. Soon enough it won't hurt so bad and after some time things will start to look up. If not well there's always wine and your girlfriends.

Yours Truly,
A giant dose of Teen