Now as the residential "Queen" of breakups, (yes I just gave myself the name, if you want to fight me on it well go ahead, I'll just break our friendship.) No, I am not proud of my tumultuous year in relationship land, no one wishes for confusion, heartache, and the loss of their best friend! But hey! Life happens. So I am going to give everyone some advice that you most likely will not follow during your first breakup, but after your second...maybe even your third (depending on how slow of a learner you are) you might just understand what I am saying.
1. Go spend some money
Whats your guilty pleasure? Is it shoes? A pedicure? Video Games? New speakers? Just buy something that you've wanted for quite some time. The whole process is excellent because you're so excited about this new thing and picking out the best, most fitting new thing that you completely forget how sad, pissed off, and hurt you are. That new shirt makes you smile or those new headphones actually play music out of both ears. Some people say that material things do not buy happiness but I really think they can help relieve that feeling, you know the one where you feel like your entire chest is going to cave in.
2. Realize that the one person you are going to want through this entire process is now GONE
This is very hard to accept. You want to tell them all your good news and even the stupid shit like how you stubbed your toe on the door frame. Well, text your mom. Text your sister. Text that random kid to whom gave you his number last weekend. Pretend to have a fake conversation with the bum who walked out on you. By now you know them well enough to know what their response would be. So what if you think it's crazy. Whatever keeps you from talking to the person who is causing you the pain is worth it. BECAUSE ladies and gentleman, talking to them I REPEAT talking to your ex will only make the pain worse. At any time during the healing process. I PROMISE.
3. DO not DRINK until at least 1 week after the initial breakup
Everyone is going to think I'm crazy. But hey I'm pretty sure feeling like your brain is leaking through your ears via the massive migraine you will have the next morning as well as wondering that the hell or who the hell you did the night before is not something you want to feel when heartbroken. Why is beer going to fill the void if chocolate icecream can't? Why is making out with a stranger going to help?Why is slutting up the town going to make your heart hurt less? Just stop. Think for a moment because clearly you're not thinking properly since you just had your feelings put into a blender and turned into a heartbreak hell smoothie.
4. CRY
Gentleman, I'll give you some advice so you don't feel like a pansy since we all know that men don't cry and you have no feelings. Just cry in the shower. Or in the late hours of the night when all your roommates are sleeping and they won't hear your sniffles. While crying profusely will just make you puffy,stuffy, and sleepy a little moment here or there will not kill you. Holding all of that in will just make you explode.
5. FOCUS on something you really love.
Whenever I'm having a rough day I end up cooking. The familiarity of making one of my recipes really calms me down. So just figure out what you love (if you are thinking beer and getting drunk see #3. and come up with a new answer)
6. Get a buddy or five
Just surround yourself with people. Make jokes about your situation. Be crazy. You just lost something important. You're aloud be obnoxious and have too much fun.
7. Do not try to find someone new
It's just weird and awkward. Eventually you will find someone...I think. But actually "trying" to find them will never work. Eventually someone will surprise you and fall into your life.
8. Forgive yourself
Stop wondering, "What if". Stop placing the blame on each other. What's that going to do? You already feel crappy. If you learn to forgive yourself for the stupid mistakes and being an idiot then it makes you a whole lot less angry.
9. Do not trash talk
It's beyond strange to me that someone who swore they loved you and cared about you so much can say ridiculous things. Just cause you are broken up with someone doesn't mean it's a free for all on them. No amount of degrading comments and insults are going to make you feel like you've won. HINT: it's not a competition. Inevitably you will regret being awful and feel pretty shitty too.
10. Get yourself out of the house and out exploring
I'm picking up yoga! Also, I met Kenny Chesney. I also got into a fight with 250lb man for a guitar pick (and won!!!!). After the one week waiting period I had a little too much beer.
Just remember to smile and laugh...and maybe cry a little!
<3 A Dose of Advice from Teen
Saturday, April 16, 2011
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Imma BAD BAD....Blogger
Damn it feels good to be back!
I'm not going to apologize for not writing because I have apologized entirely too much in these past few years. But in the end by not writing I was only hurting my own creativity, the money I earn from adsense (keep clickin' folks), and failing to become a professional blogger so I can sit on my couch writing about things that pop into my head while wearing sweat pants like the lady who decided to follow Julia Child's cookbook until she became chubby and her husband wanted to leave her. ON THAT NOTE!
Here is a list of things I'm not sorry for:
1. Always losing my keys, cell phone, limbs, socks...
Who cares? I find them eventually? Oh my bad we are 5 minutes late for Uncle Desmond's 49th birthday. WHO THROWS A 49TH BIRTHDAY ANYWAYS?!
2. Being late to my own birthday
I planned the entire thing, food, candy, 3 tier cake...Okay now hire me to plan your birthday parties everyone cause it's sooo much more fun and less nerve racking.
3. For being a crybaby and having haywire feelings
Listen sometimes I miss my mom or my dog or that perfect summer day two Septembers ago. I'm gonna cry a little about it. I'm going to be a little upset when I breakup with my boyfriend of almost two years and subsequently his super nice family. I also blubbered like a crazy person in front of 200 of my brother and his wife's closest friends and family when he got married. I was just SO HAPPY for them!!!But don't even thing to compare to that girl in Mean Girls who shows up for the share session and talks about rainbows and sunshine. " SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE!"
4. For cooking every day...and getting lost in the aromas, motions, and details of each dish I make
No I do not have a food problem. I have a passion. It's okay for people to sit on a couch and yell at men in tight pants on the television and waste hundreds of dollars on bets but cooking a meal from scratch that feeds the body and the mind is a problem. Go screw.
5. NOT watching the Jersey Shore
Why would I want to watch a bunch of people get in fights, hookup with each other, and embarrass their parents? People make Jersey Shore references and I stare at them blank and confused. Am I the only one out there? Has the Guido Apocalypse truly taken over? My god someone please bring some sanity back to the nation.
6. Getting caught with a pint of Hagen Daas peanut butter chocolate ice cream, empty, next to my bed
Oh c'mon..we've all done it. You... yeah you, actually feel a little better about that greasy monstrosity you ate drunkenly before you went to bed last night. You're welcome. I'm here to help you feel better about your lack of perfection. Who wants to be perfect anyway. Those people suck.
7. For sending too many emails
Gourmet Dinner is HUGE deal. I have a lot of random input and random thoughts. I need to get those thoughts and questions out there because what if we forget something!? For example night one of Savor the Elements..THE SCALLIONS WERE MISSING. I'm just trying to help. Obsessively. Cause that's just the way I am.
8. About being afraid of the Gym
Listen people, those machines are frightening. They cause harm and will make you bleed. I am currently looking into alternative exercise methods like yoga and boxing. Anyone who would like to make me run by having a car full of chocolate and pad thai is welcome to come over and help me with my problem.
9. For having a Harry Potter problem
So I cried when Dumbledore died. I hate Ginny Weasley because I wish they'd cast me as her so I could awkwardly kiss Harry Potter in the Weasley kitchen before he runs off to slay horcruxes. I have been to the Harry Potter exhibit at the museum of science in Boston and read all the books in about 3 days or less. Next month I am going to Harry Potter World and I am not one ounce of ashamed. Can't wait for butter beer and to take a photo in front of HOGWARTS. Okay I need to calm down..I'm so excited!
10. Not being girly or doing anything that is attractive ever (ie: being a good dancer, having pretty nails, wearing heels, "<3ing my girls", liking the color pink)
I wear chuck taylors more often than not, I can't paint my nails and I bite them when I'm stressed out (which is almost always). I prefer to hang with the guys because they don't squeal and bitch about useless shit or get in fights about going to the bathroom with each other. I hate crossing my legs, sweatpants are sexy to me, and my favorite television show is not Glee, One Tree Hill, or Gossip Girl.
Well that's enough for today. Some of us have to work on Sundays you know!
A long overdue Dose of Teen
I'm not going to apologize for not writing because I have apologized entirely too much in these past few years. But in the end by not writing I was only hurting my own creativity, the money I earn from adsense (keep clickin' folks), and failing to become a professional blogger so I can sit on my couch writing about things that pop into my head while wearing sweat pants like the lady who decided to follow Julia Child's cookbook until she became chubby and her husband wanted to leave her. ON THAT NOTE!
Here is a list of things I'm not sorry for:
1. Always losing my keys, cell phone, limbs, socks...
Who cares? I find them eventually? Oh my bad we are 5 minutes late for Uncle Desmond's 49th birthday. WHO THROWS A 49TH BIRTHDAY ANYWAYS?!
2. Being late to my own birthday
I planned the entire thing, food, candy, 3 tier cake...Okay now hire me to plan your birthday parties everyone cause it's sooo much more fun and less nerve racking.
3. For being a crybaby and having haywire feelings
Listen sometimes I miss my mom or my dog or that perfect summer day two Septembers ago. I'm gonna cry a little about it. I'm going to be a little upset when I breakup with my boyfriend of almost two years and subsequently his super nice family. I also blubbered like a crazy person in front of 200 of my brother and his wife's closest friends and family when he got married. I was just SO HAPPY for them!!!But don't even thing to compare to that girl in Mean Girls who shows up for the share session and talks about rainbows and sunshine. " SHE DOESN'T EVEN GO HERE!"
4. For cooking every day...and getting lost in the aromas, motions, and details of each dish I make
No I do not have a food problem. I have a passion. It's okay for people to sit on a couch and yell at men in tight pants on the television and waste hundreds of dollars on bets but cooking a meal from scratch that feeds the body and the mind is a problem. Go screw.
5. NOT watching the Jersey Shore
Why would I want to watch a bunch of people get in fights, hookup with each other, and embarrass their parents? People make Jersey Shore references and I stare at them blank and confused. Am I the only one out there? Has the Guido Apocalypse truly taken over? My god someone please bring some sanity back to the nation.
6. Getting caught with a pint of Hagen Daas peanut butter chocolate ice cream, empty, next to my bed
Oh c'mon..we've all done it. You... yeah you, actually feel a little better about that greasy monstrosity you ate drunkenly before you went to bed last night. You're welcome. I'm here to help you feel better about your lack of perfection. Who wants to be perfect anyway. Those people suck.
7. For sending too many emails
Gourmet Dinner is HUGE deal. I have a lot of random input and random thoughts. I need to get those thoughts and questions out there because what if we forget something!? For example night one of Savor the Elements..THE SCALLIONS WERE MISSING. I'm just trying to help. Obsessively. Cause that's just the way I am.
8. About being afraid of the Gym
Listen people, those machines are frightening. They cause harm and will make you bleed. I am currently looking into alternative exercise methods like yoga and boxing. Anyone who would like to make me run by having a car full of chocolate and pad thai is welcome to come over and help me with my problem.
9. For having a Harry Potter problem
So I cried when Dumbledore died. I hate Ginny Weasley because I wish they'd cast me as her so I could awkwardly kiss Harry Potter in the Weasley kitchen before he runs off to slay horcruxes. I have been to the Harry Potter exhibit at the museum of science in Boston and read all the books in about 3 days or less. Next month I am going to Harry Potter World and I am not one ounce of ashamed. Can't wait for butter beer and to take a photo in front of HOGWARTS. Okay I need to calm down..I'm so excited!
10. Not being girly or doing anything that is attractive ever (ie: being a good dancer, having pretty nails, wearing heels, "<3ing my girls", liking the color pink)
I wear chuck taylors more often than not, I can't paint my nails and I bite them when I'm stressed out (which is almost always). I prefer to hang with the guys because they don't squeal and bitch about useless shit or get in fights about going to the bathroom with each other. I hate crossing my legs, sweatpants are sexy to me, and my favorite television show is not Glee, One Tree Hill, or Gossip Girl.
Well that's enough for today. Some of us have to work on Sundays you know!
A long overdue Dose of Teen
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
You know you're from South Portland when..
 |
| Guess where my loyalty lies? |
2.) You refer to any area past Grandview as "Maiettaville"
3.) Your high school has aspestice and mold, not to mention the wall is breaking away from the floor and you can drop small objects like bits of paper and pencils down into the classroom below. (It only took 27 gazillion years for a renovation)
4.) It's a serious decision to pick where you're going to get ice cream in the summer (unless the ice cream truck drives by) Dairy Queen, Red's, or Beals..
editors note:
DQ has the best hot fudge.
 | |
| There she is..in her PRIME! |
Beals has great lobster rolls (or so some lady raved to me once), hard-serve, and that cute sparkly tip can with the names of the colleges the current SP student seniors who work there will be going to.
Let's be honest though: Were going wherever we know one of our friends are working so we can get a free sugar fix.
5.) Wendy's/Tim Horton's classified as a hangout when we had nothing better to do and no where to go.
6.) Deer Road is not just a street...but an activity...and if you're a super pansy..it's a scary one!
7.) Willard Beach is not a place you go during the day (there's a sewage pipe running into the water for Christ's sake) but a place people go at night to drink or smoke..maybe even both!
and inevitably get caught by the cops (oh yeah they figured you guys out a long time ago)
8.) EVERYONE is obsessed with Higgins Beach
 | |
| No thanks, I have no soul..a steak and cheese would suit me better. |
9.) Mr. Brogan and Mr. Chapin are not just men..but legends.
10.) You can name about 10 hoodrats off the top of your head.
11.) You still segregate your friendships based on where each other went to middle school.
"Oh that's right..you went to Mahoney..What's it like going to prison every day?" Do you miss those creepy vines strangling your school? I hope a duck bit you out at Millcreek park on a half day.."
 |
| There she blows! |
"Well at least our school doesn't have mold and make our principal leave due to illness. Have fun at Dunkin Donuts or Willows after your school dances. We'll be hanging out in the shopping center trying to decide on Wendy's, McDonalds, Angelones...or stealing a 5th of vodka from Shaws!"
12.) You judge every body's prom dress...every year...as if it were the Oscars.. (wait what that's just me?!)
 |
| Prom '07 ( infants) |
 | ||
| Prom '08 ( I became more bodacious sadly..and Molly..well STEPPED up her game from '07) |
13.) "Were watching a movie" being said to either of your parents means "Hey mom and dad ________'s (insert friend's name here) parents aren't home and we're having a huge ripper at their house and some one's going to get in a fight and someone else is going to break something, and that girl will be all over all the guys, and then he's gonna toss his cookies all over the antique couch Nana gave _____'s mom on her death bed"
14.) You still secretly wish that senior you had a crush on when you were a freshman would suddenly notice you for the amazing person you are...and make out with you at the bars.
15.)HOP is not what bunnies do. It is a place where you eat pizza or yummy cheeseburger subs!
16.) Your parents have waited in line for hours with magazines and lawn chairs to sign you up for rec camp.
17.) You miss when Thatchers was inside the Maine Mall. Weathervane was an awesome store when you were 12 and bought your first thong there. Also you weren't cool in elementary school unless you shopped at Limited Too (now called Justice..WTF is that shit.)
18.) A typical weekend as a kid consisted of sleeping over one of your friends house'sStaying up too late talking on AIM to your gf/bf or "crush", playing Nintendo 64, eating bagels.
Going to the mall or the movies the next day meeting up with those people you were instant
messaging all night.
19.) Happy Wheels was a great place, curse "AUTOsucksLAND". Couple skates, roller blades, and the chicken dance..my god I want to be 10 again.
20.) You claim there is "nothing to do" in SoPo yet every time you leave you miss EVERYTHING about it. From your Mom's chop suey, Dad's cursing at the television, you're "AMAZING" friends, that pot-hole that ruins your front end alignment for some reason you can't seem to remember its there, your bed, the tree in your front yard, drinking in your buddies basement, lack of responsibility, your friends parents, the soap dispenser in your bathroom, the dent in the hall, your cat that died 10 years ago...(the list goes on)
Additional Notes:
*You refer to the "Upper Parking Lot as the UPP which makes abosolutely no sense"
* Sledding @ the UPP at night after a huge snowstorm is something you still enjoy..at the age of 25.
*You went to school somewhere far away... and then transferred to UMAINE Orono
*Officer Friendly didn't seem so friendly when he gave you that summonses.
So quitchabellyachin'
You fucking love your city.
A "So Po Hoe" Dose of Teen
Seemingly Random Facts Accumulated ..for all 21 years of my life!
1.) If you wear deodorant before bed...you will sweat less during the say! (Sweaty, smellies...take note)
2.) Large amounts of Vitamin C are bad if you would like to have a baby (which is weird because generally Vitamin C is such a healthy vitamin!)
3.) When bagging groceries you must think of it like making a box, building a house, and handle with care. Heavier items on bottom but you must create balance..light items on top..must support themselves standing up. SUCCESS.
4.) Men are easier to sell expensive things too. ( Might be their impatience)
5.) When your dinner knife is pointed ridges towards the person next to you (it means you wish harm upon them!)
6.) The pineapple is the sign for Hospitality as well as Swingers!
7.) Due to their wrinkles..bulldogs faces/ears/nose should be cleaned once if not twice a day..(note to all: they really do not enjoy this)
8.) Lhasa Apso's (a type of dog..view this gem of a photo of our 14 year old dog Austin for visual) used to be popular dogs for emporers in China!
9.) Birds do not pee.
10.) Frogs can change sex.
11.) If you ever run into a tyrannosaurus Rex..do not move (they have shitty eyesight and will not see you!)
12.) The world is round, not flat
13.) Pangaea is the name of all the continents put together
14.) The microwave must be cleaned.
15.) If you do not water your plants, they will die.
16.) Babies are not for the faint of heart.
17.) Proper wedding etiquette for the wedding party: ( A gift is not necessary for the wedding, anytime during the year after the wedding is okay!) Hence why I am waiting to give my brother and sister in law their gift...until like June.
18.) ridiculous is spelled like this <---- not "rediculous"
19.) The pleats on a chef's hat (100) stand for the number of ways that eggs can be made.
20.) Salt and Pepper is not found on the table of a gourmet meal because it is considered and insult to the chef (the food should be properly seasoned and excellent tasting at a gourmet meal)
2.) Large amounts of Vitamin C are bad if you would like to have a baby (which is weird because generally Vitamin C is such a healthy vitamin!)
3.) When bagging groceries you must think of it like making a box, building a house, and handle with care. Heavier items on bottom but you must create balance..light items on top..must support themselves standing up. SUCCESS.
4.) Men are easier to sell expensive things too. ( Might be their impatience)
5.) When your dinner knife is pointed ridges towards the person next to you (it means you wish harm upon them!)
6.) The pineapple is the sign for Hospitality as well as Swingers!
7.) Due to their wrinkles..bulldogs faces/ears/nose should be cleaned once if not twice a day..(note to all: they really do not enjoy this)
8.) Lhasa Apso's (a type of dog..view this gem of a photo of our 14 year old dog Austin for visual) used to be popular dogs for emporers in China!
9.) Birds do not pee.
10.) Frogs can change sex.
11.) If you ever run into a tyrannosaurus Rex..do not move (they have shitty eyesight and will not see you!)
12.) The world is round, not flat
13.) Pangaea is the name of all the continents put together
14.) The microwave must be cleaned.
15.) If you do not water your plants, they will die.
16.) Babies are not for the faint of heart.
17.) Proper wedding etiquette for the wedding party: ( A gift is not necessary for the wedding, anytime during the year after the wedding is okay!) Hence why I am waiting to give my brother and sister in law their gift...until like June.
18.) ridiculous is spelled like this <---- not "rediculous"
19.) The pleats on a chef's hat (100) stand for the number of ways that eggs can be made.
20.) Salt and Pepper is not found on the table of a gourmet meal because it is considered and insult to the chef (the food should be properly seasoned and excellent tasting at a gourmet meal)
Monday, January 17, 2011
It's okay if...
It's okay if...
you got a "little" scared when Natalie Portman's eyes turned red in Black Swan
you claim you "worked hard all day long" when you "unintentionally" checked facebook every 10 minutes.
you've already broken your new years resolutions (cough, me, cough)
your life is a total, "hot mess"..at least you have a life!
your boss takes pictures of you posing with gun hands flaunting your assets as a not so buff and sexy Charlie's Angels (what...no one else is with me on that one?)
your mother is the only person who calls you...every day
you pee in the shower
chicken flavored Ramen, a handful of cheetos, and two table-spoons of Nutella classify as "dinner"
you don't read the 90 pages due for you mythical creatures class tomorrow and classify all Disney movies you've ever seen as "sufficient studying".
you don't wash your face before you go to bed (even though every freaken magazine tells you how infested your pillowcase will get)
you sip shots on your 21st birthday (just this once)
your friends call you "Mom"
you like it when your friends call you. "Mom"
you wait until your gas gauge is on "empty"...and then until it starts blinking at you...and then until you coast into the gas station on fumes...and then you only put $7.00 in the tank.
your dad wishes you "Happy Birthday" the day before your birthday
your lingerie collection consists of bras and undies from the clearance racks as Target, Macy's, and Vicky's Secret.
your boyfriend wears your sweat pants...that say.."Red Riots" across the ass (and you don't tell him)
you're idea of excercise is lifting all your belongings you removed from school for break..back up all the stairs to your apartment..
you have a crush on Justin Bieber...and are over the age of 21
you're getting a divorce.
you don't have a job (though you really should get the eff on that)
you still thoroughly "dislike" that girl from high school you tried to ruin your life (and if it's me..Oh wait.. I never did that!)
An Understanding Dose of Teen
you got a "little" scared when Natalie Portman's eyes turned red in Black Swan
you claim you "worked hard all day long" when you "unintentionally" checked facebook every 10 minutes.
you've already broken your new years resolutions (cough, me, cough)
your life is a total, "hot mess"..at least you have a life!
your boss takes pictures of you posing with gun hands flaunting your assets as a not so buff and sexy Charlie's Angels (what...no one else is with me on that one?)
your mother is the only person who calls you...every day
you pee in the shower
chicken flavored Ramen, a handful of cheetos, and two table-spoons of Nutella classify as "dinner"
you don't read the 90 pages due for you mythical creatures class tomorrow and classify all Disney movies you've ever seen as "sufficient studying".
you don't wash your face before you go to bed (even though every freaken magazine tells you how infested your pillowcase will get)
you sip shots on your 21st birthday (just this once)
your friends call you "Mom"
you like it when your friends call you. "Mom"
you wait until your gas gauge is on "empty"...and then until it starts blinking at you...and then until you coast into the gas station on fumes...and then you only put $7.00 in the tank.
your dad wishes you "Happy Birthday" the day before your birthday
your lingerie collection consists of bras and undies from the clearance racks as Target, Macy's, and Vicky's Secret.
your boyfriend wears your sweat pants...that say.."Red Riots" across the ass (and you don't tell him)
you're idea of excercise is lifting all your belongings you removed from school for break..back up all the stairs to your apartment..
you have a crush on Justin Bieber...and are over the age of 21
you're getting a divorce.
you don't have a job (though you really should get the eff on that)
you still thoroughly "dislike" that girl from high school you tried to ruin your life (and if it's me..Oh wait.. I never did that!)
An Understanding Dose of Teen
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