We say THIS but we friggin' mean THAT

Gentleman, women are stupid, there I said it. We have this strange belief that you should automatically know what we want even though we don't tell you. Or that when we say something you understand its deep underlying meaning. We want you to be magical mind readers who surprise us with edible arrangements and new Jessica Simpson shoes just because. The sad thing is most women are legitimately setting themselves up for dissapointment. Men are dim.

If it doesn't involve food they are eating/want to eat/ staring at with hungry eyes, sex they are even more hungrily searching for, or sports in which they whole heartedly worship other men to the point of absurdity then it's probably not registering on their tiny little brains.


So gentleman, in the spirit of giving I thought I would make some of our more popular phrases a little more clear.

"Oh no, please don't buy me anything for Christmas, I just want to spend time with the family"
Actually means,
"If my husband and kids forget me again this year and I only get freakin' framed crate paper ornament with my kids school pictures on them I am going to ball my eyes out in the fetal position underneath the Christmas tree"

WHO COULD RESIST THAT!

"Would you like dessert?"
"...no thank you, I'm soooo full"
Actually means,
"I feel like a fat-ass because I already had an appetizers, a glass of wine, huge meal, and ate off your plate too but the creme brulee sounds fucking amazing and I might never sleep a sound night again without out trying it..."
What we want you to say, "Lets get dessert, I think I want to order (pick three desserts), let's split something, you choose"


"I really want to see (INSERT movie in theaters currently)!"
Actually means,
"I want you to take me to see this movie, pronto. Why haven't to asked me yet, ASSHOLE...oh and you're paying"


"Ugh, I hate football!!!!!!"
Actually means,
Please acknowledge my existence at least 3 times during the game with a hug, kiss, sexual wink, text message, carrier pigeon, hell even a high five would do..whatever, we're attention whores, we must be watered with affection every day like a plant or something.

Look, I even made popcorn! Please just LOOK at me!

"Babeeeeeee, my back hurts." cue awkward contorting and super pouty lips.
Actually means,
"Why don't you ever offer to rub my back... it really sucks that I have to beg for you to touch me in a non-sexual way."

"Yeah I guess, you're okay..."
Actually means,
"I have giant crush on you and I'm too immature and childish to admit it because the fear of rejection is far too much for my ego/heart to handle"


"Let's drink"
Actually means,
"I want to get you drunk and do dirty things with you, nothing like alcohol to lower my inhibitions"

"I hate you"
Actually means,

Oh shit, you're fucked.

"I really like you but you never do anything right and you're such and idiot so in all reality I really should hate you...maybe if I say it enough times it will actually happen"

"It's whatever"
Actually means,
"You're in deep shit douchebag, I'm seriously mad and you owe me an apology...plus dinner, and flower....and new jeans."

There's plenty more...but I don't like to give away all of our secret code because sometimes you just have to figure some shit out for yourself gentleman.

Lots of non existent love and stuff,

Teen

So I guess, there are some good guys out there...

One time when I was a kid my friend Chelsea and I were hanging out playing Barbies or watching Power Rangers (STILL coincidentally two of my favorite past-times)  and she was sitting just a little close to my rocking chair or my tv stand. Anyway, she leaned back and absolute destroyed her head off some sort of wooden object. It looked incredibly painful and she had tears in her eyes.

So naturally I responded by laughing until I could no longer bring oxygen into my lungs and my eyes too were filled with tears.

At the ripe old age of seven I realized that I could be just a little bit insensitive to other peoples thoughts, feelings, and physical pain. (So as you can see I have always been like this...but men and booze have this uncanny ability to inflate my aggression and insensitivity)


The point of the story is that yes gentleman sometimes I over-generalize and stereo-type you as sex crazed idiots when in all reality that's only about 95% of you. So here is to you 5%. The good guys. The ones who have no idea what to wear when you meet our friends, the ones who hold my hair back when I'm barfing into a toilet, those of you who are so prepared for a date you have a list of topics to discuss to prevent awkward silences.

To be fair yesterday I was chased by a vicious animal, had my eyebrows stolen from me by an Asian women, and I got lost for an hour and a half trying to find my way home from the mall. I may not have been in the BEST mood for blogging.

You are the far and few and you are not given enough praise for it. Probably because we're all to busy bitching about the super douchers in this world. So get ready, because I don't do this very often...

Ugh, I GUESS you're awesome...

Here is why I think you're just the bestest!

You're protective
There's just something about it when you get all sweet and protective when other guys are mean to us. It literally melts my heart. (Wait, I have one?).

Here's a cute little example of adorable MACHISMO:

I googled manly and this is what they gave me...

My first boyfriend and I were driving somewhere and I was griping about how he was ALWAYS over the speed limit (backseat driver is one of my many ADORABLE qualities). When he looked at me quite seriously and said, "You think I would EVER let something bad happen to you when you are in the car with me!" Well, it's safe to say that shut me up. It never occurred to me that men even thought about bad things happening (never mind to me)...and here was a guy who was basically telling me he never wanted a anything horrible to ever happen to me! That was 5 years ago and it stuck with me. There's also just something about it when we can lean our heads on your shoulder and you wrap your arm around our waist that makes us feel as though we are incredibly safe. Then you do something boneheaded like fart and ruin the moment but oh well, those 3 minutes were very touching.

You may find it hard to believe that a majority of my friends are actually guys....
Guy friends are so handy. Especially when at the bar and someone you are not interested in is trying to talk to you. I just pull one of them close and stare lovingly into their eyes refering to them as my boyfriend. The dude gets the hint and my friend plays right along to it. Saving me from the pain and anguish of boring bar chatter.

Notice how my gentleman 'hold me down'.

There's core group of guy friends that I generally care about quite a lot. Like if something incredibly awful happened to them I would be very concerned. I even make them dinner without asking for anything in return. Because I don't have too. They do things like help my mom and I move out of our condo on a hot August morning and give the best hugs. They pick me up and spin me around, make awkward sexual noises (I have unique friends) all while I laugh adoringly. They make me smile and are ALWAYS down to drink beers with me and when some girl one of them likes enters our little circle..I go Momma Bear on them bitches. Her every move is judged. Why? Because those are the good guys and they deserve someone who appreciates their greatness.


Your Honesty
Girls have this strange belief that not fully telling their friends the truth or sugarcoating things is going to help you in life. For those of us who aren't incredibly perceptive this does not work. Girls are really dim sometimes. I love that you boys tell me exactly how it is whether it's a crappy outfit choice, my poor taste in men, or a bad meal. You always start with, "I really hope this doesn't offend you" too which is super cute because it is really hard to offend a heartless person.

OMG, HE CALLED ME PRETTY!!!!!!!

You call us pretty
Sure, We've been called pretty before. By our parents and girlfriends. But they HAVE to say that. Your parents created you and friends wouldn't be very good friends if they didn't say nice things to you every once in a while.

The other day my best friend said to me, "You're like...Blake Lively pretty" and I looked at her while I was putting my mascara on as if she had just pulled out a giant bag of cocaine.

But when a boy calls you gorgeous, pretty, sexy...*pick any adjective that refers to us as being genuinely attractive...it's as though the world comes to a screaching halt and you forget to breathe for a minute. Every. Single. Time.


Well there it is. There are some incredibly great things about you good guys. I am sorry you all get over shadowed by the uncanny amount of losers in our life. Maybe one day the girls will figure it out and actually date someone like you people who deserve us. One of you lovely 5% who do great things like pay for dinner and make handmade birthday cards.

Keep being awesome. Remember the girls never marry the bad boys. In the end you win...(well if we haven't been too irreversably damaged by then).

Lots of Cold Heart Love,

Teen

Why I hate men {Drunk Blogging}

Ok ffirst of all, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING on in your teeny tiny little brains? Not much I bet, Except for your epic need to get laid all the time. Like seriously, put a cork in in guys. We know, you're all cheating lying whores. No need to pretend your honest and faithful. All you do is sit around all day and plot the evil things you can do to drive us crazy. Like leaving the toilet seat up. How many times does a girl have to dfall into toilet water for you to fucking stop. Do you think it's funny? Cause I guarantee when you grab my ass and I saY "Oh well I fell in your toilet earlier today" you will NOT be laughing.

Maybe I will though.

Also, what is up with this whole being cute thing. It makes it incredibly hard for me to dislike you when you tell me you think I'm funny or compliment my watch. Those are what we like to call mindgames.

Mindgames:
Mindgames are hideous yet kind of fun. We all are like, " I just wish he'd say how he' feels" but you know the second that happens all those nervous butterflies and cute smiles disapear and it's all sweat pants and pizza.  Oh does he like me? Oh does he not? Oh does he even remember I exist? You know that all women are suckers for attention. Seriously, girls You know you are. Even more, we get all confused and semi jealous when you stop talking to us for one hot second. First we think "Oh my god is he okay!!!" Then it's "That LYING BASTARD..HE IS TOTALLY BANGING SOME OTHER CHICK RIGHT NOW" to...."Oh he just messaged me, he's definitely prince charming!!!!".


Nice things
Stop being nice. It annoying, and by annoying (sidenote, it took me a good seven times to write "anonying right"..ahhh fuck it) I mean incredibly endearing and not okay. Don't be nice. We do not want to care about you. Because 6 months down the road when we finally decide we're infatuated with you you;re aLL " Hey it was a great run but I don't think I want anything serious". Then about 3 months later you're engaged to some blonde bimbo who works at Supercuts. Oh really NOTHING serious. Did you know engagement leads to marriage asshole!!!???



Looking fucking awesome with little to no effort
How does your ass look better in jeans than mine? Okay, granted my but is non ecxistant but most men look  phenominal after a shower and getting dressed. This takes about 3 hours for me to even look genuinely attractive and "hit-on-able". Okay, I don't even get hit on. Except for this one time this guy told me he wanted to suck my lipstick off my face. I'm STILL wondering how he thought that would woo me?

You are physically stronger than us
Listen girls, men can lift shit and you can;t. Use your assets to make them lift shit all over the place for you. They may be physically stronger but mentally you can outwit them anyday. Well unless your dumb and you suck.

You THROW My friends off porches...
Now gentleman, it is perfectly okay to be an asshole to me. But when you inflict pain on my girlfriends I will forever hold a vendetta against you.

Okay, my wine glass is getting kinda empty and I'm getting pretty tired. So I think it;s time I took a nap. A 6-9 hour long one known as sleep.

SEE YA LATAH ALLAHGATAHS.

Why Marriage is a HORRIBLE Idea

Think about it people...should we really participate in some outdated and overpriced ritual in which fails just as often as it succeeds? How many of those that succeed are ACTUALLY still happy or just pretending to be due to children, financial assets, or some strange belief that removing yourself from an unhappy situation is a considered failure?

So here it is...Seven Incredibly factual and well-researched reasons as to why NO ONE should ever get married.

1. Why sacrifice the adoration of many for the criticism for one?

Gentleman I feel you can agree with me the best on this one.

"Are you going to wear that un-ironed shirt out to dinner?"

"Did you empty the trash"

"Can you put the seat down after you pee?"

"Will you please stop trying to have sex with me!?"

We nag. That's what we do. We will constantly be asking you to fix something for us and then complain that you did it wrong even though we sat on the couch drinking pinot noir while you worked your ass off.

2. You will become boring
Remember when your relationship first began and you could talk to each other for hours on end about the most random bullshit? Well now you have all this shit you HAVE to talk about but you don't really want to. Like if you paid the mortgage that month, how many kids you want to shove out of your vajayjay, and what you will eat for dinner that week. Riveting stuff. All of that stuff if you were single you could just get done without having to consult someone else. Babies? Shit, just hit the sperm bank, Mortgages, fuck that you already paid for your house after saving all that money from not having to buy Christmas gifts, dinner, Engagement Rings, a matching bedroom set! Dinner, uh excuse me you go to the grocery store that night and pickup whatever you want...even if it's a a chocolate pudding cup and a can of pringles.

3. You want to make a decision, think AGAIN!

Whether its buying a new car or a pair of socks. It is no longer just your money. That is now called "our money". Ever heard the saying, "What's mine is mine, and what's yours is mine". I think women obide by this. Especially when we eat 75% of your dessert off your plate and punch you in the face when you step near our choocolate stash.

But seriously, that money is now shared. Now, I'm a good sharer..(when I was little I had a teeny tiny biting problem but we've since cleared that up)

Now, I would have a hard time since I most likely will be the main breadwinner in my future unsuccessful marriage if I got home and my husband bought a snowmobile without asking me. Now I can't be all, "LISTEN DUMBASS, I MAKE THE DOUGH, I SPEND IT!" because now I am in a mutual partnership in which I promised to love someone and take care of them...and verbally abusing them PROBABLY isn't the best way to get my point across.

So instead we have to sit down and have a talk about what we want to spend our money on for the next 3 years and develop some retarded life plan. Even worse, if I want a $300 dollar pair of shoes I am going to have to think "Is it okay to feed my children spam all week or should I go buy off the sale rack at TJ MAXX ?" UGH, see MARRIAGE IS ONE GIANT SACRIFICE OF BEAUTIFUL SHOES AND OUTDOOR TOYS!


4. It will make you fat
You know how they call it the "boyfriend layer" when your in a nice little relationship and you suddenly pack on 10 pounds. Well welcome to marriage. Except it's like 15-20. Think about it, you're so comfortable with this person you have decided to live with them for the rest of your ENTIRE existence on this planet! The first year there's so much celebrating it's hard not to get a little chubby. Engagement parties, rehearsal dinners, wedding cake, honey moons. Then there's kids (I thought I had this on lock because my mother is a freak of nature who mysteriously cannot gain weight but the other side of my gene pool is Italian and well...we struggle with the pasta okay!)

Kid's make the women fat because she's trying to eat for two at every meal and then poor dad over there is watching mom blow up like a balloon and is eating himself to death because 1. his wife is getting fat 2. there is a screaming monster on the way. It doesn't get any better either because children will not take up ALL of your time. You thought you were going to go to the gym this morning? Well little Frankie had another idea, he is going to crayon the wall and vomit in your hair. Goodluck having any motivation to exercise with all that bullshit going on.

5.  Minivans
 I am pretty sure the second you say "I DO-OMED" your chances of one day owning a mini-van QUADRUPLE. Look, even my dad had a van. In fact, he had two. Chances are you're going to end up needing it for the 4 little spawns of satan you produced.

I can hear myself now, "Steph, you gotta see this thing, the doors are automatic, the chairs fold down so I can put the dogs in the back..and GUESS WHAT, it came with a lifetime stain warranty!!!".

Uh, I'm sorry what happened to my dream of owning a blacked out range rover and mercedes coupe?

6. Men are stupid & Women are CRAZY

For example: You ask your husband to pickup milk from the grocery store. He comes home with WHOLE MILK. I'm sorry am I three? When did I ever purchase WHOLE milk for this household? Are we trying to get even fatter than we did at the beginning of our marriage?

Do you even know what you're apologizing for?

Gents, it's that gold plate in the middle.

Or how about this little scenario: It's your first Christmas at your house and 15 family members are coming for dinner and so far your wife has spent about $795 dollars on food, new household items, table decor, and decorations. She's running around the house barking orders to your frightened children and all of a sudden turns into Medusa as she whips her hair and glares at you for asking what a charger is and where you put it. (Not gonna lie, this is probably my future.) Then for the rest of the day she refuses to speak to you for "not understanding" her needs on such a stressful day.

7. It's fucking expensive
The courting phase...that involves money..but mostly yours gentleman.
The engagement.. oh well rings aren't expensive..If you're a cheap bastard. Sorry gentleman...that's you again.
The Engagement Party, Rehearsal Dinner, Wedding, Honeymoon (well it ALL sounded like a good idea until you maxed out your VISA on party favors and the open bar...)
A house, kids, cars, college education (not just your kids either, you will be paying out the ass on your school loans still as well.)


Well despite the fact that you're BROKE at least you still have your chubby, stressed out, passive aggressive, vomit in their hair, nagging significant other to keep you warm at night.

Enjoy marriage folks, sounds like a great time.


Yours Truly,
The Bitter Bitch

New Year...New....WEBSITE

Hey Guys, I am taking my blog to a new level this New Year  (this is my most successful relationship with anything so I felt the need to fully commit to it). I will be creating my own website! It will still feature my bitter bitch rants (whew, I know a few of you were worried).

However there will be MUCH more... like recipes from my culinary explorations, fashion advice, restaurant reviews (to help those of you who actually get asked out on dates, unlike me), a wall of shame, and VIDEO blogs! Jenna Marbles watch out.

There is one big problem. I for once in my life am at a loss for words. A name! Any thoughts or ideas? Seriously, I'm asking for your help. You're the ones who read my nonsense.

Speaking of be on the lookout for my upcoming dual blogs Why I think marriage is Shitty Idea &Why Marriage is Awesome.Still struggling on why it's awesome but maybe I will get some inspiration by all of the over-done Christmas engagements and photos of couples with their dog in front of the Christmas tree.

Here are a few ideas we have come up with (we meaning my web slayer Aaron Harvey, seriously, he's completely writing my website from scratch and one of my bestest friends Miss Molly O.)



chocolateandstilettos.com

thesassybitchdish.com

christinadisanto.com (this seems a little boring to me...)

livelaughcook.com

livelaughihatemen.com (perhaps this may not be one of our better ideas...)

thesassygourmand.com

sassyinmystilettos.com

dailydoseof (anything but TEEN, because creepy men seem to think it's porn)


Basically I want the website to exemplify that I am sassy, I wear heels, and I like to eat...


Okay, put your thinking caps on people!

Coming Home: The people you want to see and those well yeah..

You know what I'm talking about. It's break (Thanksgiving, Christmas..pick any holiday)...you're finally 21 and you get to go to your towns local 'hot' spots to grab drinks with your friends. You inevitably run into every person you went to high school with and then some. 

My friend came up to me after the third night looked me in the eye and said "I can't do this anymore, I cannot have the same conversation with another person one more time."

Let me explain:
GIRLS
"Hiiiiii how areeeee you you looook soo great!" (embrace with hug)
"Where are you going to school again...oh nice what's your major!" (Half the shit you already know from facebook)
 "Are you still with what's his face?"
"No we don't speak that cheating bastards his name." (cue in awkward moment)
"Have you seen (insert mutual friend name here)? "
"You haven't well they are around here somewhere!"
"Oh wow that's awesome!"
"Yeah I love coors light too!"
 "Youuuu look so great did you lose weight?"

 GUYS
"Hey man how's it going dude" (strange man embrace with some handshake, man hug, pound-it  thingy I can't do)
"Yeah I have seen you in a minute"
"Just hanging out finishing up school, still playing hockey"
"Haha yeah been checkin' into the woodshed quite a bit with a couple of different bitties"
"Did you see what's her face"
"Yeah man did her tits get bigger or what?"

Then it's...

That girl who was too cool for you in high school suddenly says Hi or that guy you had a crush on as a freshman in high school buys you a drink and drunkenly starts hitting on you.

There are the people you would rather not see, the people you're indifferent about, and there's the few people who you run up to and leap into their arms of pure excitement. (Oh I'm sorry that's how I greet people I truly adore, maybe some of you still go for the hug but I prefer a dramatic scene similar to when Baby jumps into Patrick Swayzees (RIP) arms in Dirty Dancing.)

Unfortunately, I've never been able to FULLY execute this.

So you have your reunions, you smile deviously at that cute guy you want to make out with (what, no I've never done that!), you buy people you barely know shots, and at the end of the night you're a little exhausted from all of it. So many people stuffed into about 2.5 hours of loud music and overpriced drinks. There's the bumpin' and grindin, exchanging of numbers (most you will never use), and running around like a drunken idiot. Lets be honest, you wouldn't see 85% of these people if you weren't at this hole in the wall bar.

What I'm trying to say is we can't blame ourselves or anyone. Life happens. We grow up and we change. We all go off on our ways becoming strange little adults adventuring off on our own. We forget to keep in touch with each other. But every once in a while we get our shit together and we make it happen.

 I learned that drinking 3 bottles of wine and eating massive amounts of pizza while reconnecting with my loud, crazy, friends is extremely more gratifying than standing in a crowded bar screaming to have a conversation. That late night trips to Burger King and car dancing like a nut job builds a better friendship than lifeless conversations with captain and cokes at the bar.

Somewhere along the line home changes. It's not the place you sleep anymore. It's that friend who knows your favorite candy and buys it for you just because, the person who helps you wash the dishes after a party, or backs your ass up even when you're blatantly wrong. They don't question it they just do. Those are the people you want in your life. Those are the people you would tackle to the dirty bar floor in embracing in a giant bear hug of love, affection, and potentially and STD or two if you're at the HOASIS.

So there it is. I do kind of sort of in my own twisted dysfunctional way...have a heart.



Now go fuck yourself.

Things I Thoroughly Despise with a Burning Passion

Now when I was little and I used to say the word ‘hate’ my mom would look me in the eye and say, “Christina, Hate is a strong word.” Most children would disregard this. But my mother is not a lady you cross (seriously as the boys I grew up with, they are STILL a little scared of her). All she had to do was give me the look. It could make a grown man wet his pants. Instead of using the word hate so my mother can know she has had a profound effect on my life..I have titled this blog

Things I Thoroughly Despise with a Burning Passion

Wet Towels on the Bed- If you put your towel on my bed I will revoke your towel privileges. How does it feel to drip dry in the shower? Shake like a dog? Try to use toilet paper to get dry? Sorry I’m not sorry.

Out of control facial hair- I am very vocal about my dislike for unkempt facial hair. No Shave November nearly Put me over the edge. Seriously I was walking around with a razor in my purse with some barbisol chasing after the atrocity of beards that were in a 3 mile radius. Now that its December, please keep it to a minimum gentleman. I’m trying to avoid beard burn during the holidays.

The Annoying Guy at the Party- Why is he so close to my face? Why is it that everywhere I go he seems to find me? Even when I go pee he tries to come to the bathroom with me. I literally just ran away mid-conversation and he didn’t take the hint. He offered me alcohol and I refused. This should be a great hint at my lack of interest. I am so confused.

Shia, my love..has no idea I exist. He also still looks hot with a broken arm. Swoon.

Hot Guy that is totally not interested in me and by hate (sorry mom) I totally mean I still want you but have come to the sad realization that we will no longer lock eyes across a crowded dance floor and find love in a hopeless place.

SERIOUSLY!

Girls who look good at the gym- Dear Gym Bitties, take off the eyeliner, stop wearing so much spandex and color coordinating your outfit. It’s sickening. Ok, I will admit it. I am a little jealous. You do look really pretty while running. What is your secret to not sweating? Why don’t you look tired after four miles? Oh now you’re going to do an ab workout? You’re a stupid bitch.

The two freshman in the corner making out at a party- Okay, so after four years of college you learn that making out in public probably isn’t one of the best ideas you’ve had. It’s okay we all do it. So when I see the two drunk children making out in the corner while dry humping each other I get a little nostalgic..okay... not really that’s friggin' disgusting take it back to your freshman dorm please.


Forehead Kisses- This is a little inaccurate. Forehead kisses are great. They are endearing and show you care in a protective, “I will punch someone in the face if they hurt you” kind of way. It’s very sweet. But I think that they should be reserved for the far and few. Forehead kisses should not be given away like free candy. They should be kept locked up awaiting for someone who you will not only attack a human being for but who makes your stomach do the flip flop nana banana bing bong.

The Dumb Crying Bitch- She’s probably crying about some asshole who clearly isn’t as invested in the relationship as she is or else he would be there making her laugh and paying for her drinks. She’s got her entire girl posse rubbing her back, giving her inspirational advice like “He probably just has a hard time expressing himself emotionally because he’s a guy”. What a load of bullshit that is. Pick your friend up give her a shot of tequila, tell her the fucking truth, peel her off the bar at the end of the night, and help her put her pjs on when you take her home.

One Word Answers- OK. SURE. YES. NO. COOL. GREAT.

When you think you’re the man- We get it, everyone loves you. Your smart, charming, attractive, funny...does your list of talents ever end? You want to know what really makes you the man. Playing scrabble with your Nana every Monday. Forgetting you’re the man for five minutes to see how everyone around you is doing.





Well everyone, I know this blog was filled with entirely too much cheer so I just wanted to let you know that I LOVE puppies. They make my heart melt like a popsicle on the 4th of July. I am immediately a better, kinder, caring, and more considerate person when I am near a puppy. HINT HINT.

Happy Holidays,

Love (even though it doesn't exist)...The Bitter Bitch.

The Bitter Bitch Gives Thanks

It's that time of year again...where we all sit around the dinner table and tell people what un-selfish and non-superficial things in life we are thankful for. Because heaven forbid if we did that EVERY day.


So here it goes, a heartfelt thank you from the bottom of my heart...(yeah right.)

Wine: Where would I be without fermented grapes? Sober ...less enthusiastic...hanging out alone in my sweatpants. Just kidding, I drink in my sweats all the time, while listening to Dashboard Confessional or watching some sappy Grey’s Anatomy episode where something bad happens to Meredith. Oh wait, that is EVERY episode. But really my Pinot Grigio and Cabernet Sauvignon have played a major part my life this semester. Helping me through the weekends..oh okay and most weekdays. Somehow after one glass of wine..or 4 the world doesn’t piss me off so much. The bitter bitch might even hug you or make a sincere comment.  I cannot say the same for Chardonnay. That girl is a slut and I hope she casually slips down a moutain, falls into a river, and dissapears into the cold abyss.

Stilettos, Wedges, Pumps etc: Thank you to the man who decided that a women squeezing her feet into a pair of shoes that make her feel like her entire foot is being suffocated by an anaconda was a good idea. Not only does it provide us with a weapon against creeps but these things make our legs look thinner and longer. These shoes have the power to turn a grown man in the liquor store into a child as you peruse for your Skinny Girl Cocktails. They turn a dull boring outfit into that of a sex kitten ready to pounce on her prey. The only downside is they make it just a little difficult to run away. You will feel like you’ve run 2 miles when in reality your only 10 feet away and your boyfriend is standing there staring at you waiting for you to get tired and limp back.

Kissing: You know when you have been having the absolute worst day? Like you stepped in dog poop, fell down the stairs, failed a quiz, swore in front of a baby, and you have a spaghetti sauce ring around your lips? Then this stupid person holds your face, looks you in the eyes, and kisses you. And that’s it. Your skin starts buzzing and you want to smile but then you would ruin the kiss. The world sort of just stops. In that one little moment your mind goes quiet and that fact that your shoes smell and you feel like an utter failure doesn’t matter. But let me warn you all if you kiss someone for too long that might lead to feelings. I strongly discourage this type of behavior as in my years of wisdom this leads to a relationship that is undoubtedly doomed. Sorry I’m not sorry.

Molly O’Brion: Sometimes I might want to push her off a very small cliff but if anyone so much as even looks at her the wrong way my fangs come out. I once glared at one of her boyfriends in the hallway at school and to this day he still looks a little scared of me. She is my longest relationship (16 years) and counting! I can’t help but love her because she is OBSESSED with writing neatly, she once smacked her face off of a brick wall, and her dance moves and music preferences are all out horrendous. She also used to wear shoes like the spice girls and run around the playground in super high pigtails.  She has this great ability to find humor in the darkest of times, which is when it is the most important. She also plans to devote her life to the education of our future children. If that doesn't make you love her then you can go fuck yourself.

Boys: Gentleman, you are all relatively useless. But I am going to be stuck with one of you for my entire life one day so I am determined to be thankful.
The tall ones of you who can help me reach the wine glasses on the top shelf, you are like a heroic angel from heaven with your long arms.
Those of you who come to my rescue when I cannot open the pickle jar for the life of me, I am deeply appreciative. I will however still maintain that I loosened the cap for you.
Boys who give me free beer because I smiled and kissed you on the cheek. First of all you’re a sucker, second of all THANK YOU for the beer.
I am honestly trying to think of more things to be thankful for from you guys but I’m drawing a blank.

My Super Dysfunctional Family: I’m Italian. My family talks with their hands, their version of quiet is your version of yelling. We love garlic, basil, and tomatoes and our hearts are too big. We adopt animals at alarming rates, hate each other one minute and love another the next, we dance on table tops, promise our children ponies, and we can talk shit about our family all we want but if you even so much as make a small comment we will attack you like a pack of blood thirsty piranhas. Why? Because these are the people who pickup the phone at 2am when your crying your eyes out. They show up at all of your lame birthdays and make sure you wear proper clothing in the winter. They know every scar, favorite song, and weird habit. You're stuck with them. Get used to it and start appreciating it.

I'm sorry but these are not sweatpants. What is wrong with the world?

 Sweatpants: There is no greater creation than the elastic waist. For someone who struggles to wear pants on a daily basis sweatpants help to ease my trouble. It is pure bliss after a long day to slide into my UNH size large sweats (I bought a size up for extra comfort, I’m not REALLY a size large, STOP JUDGING ME). Guess what else I do? If I’ve over-indulged on dinner I pull them up just above my belly button to contain myself. I would be embarrassed but the sheer comfort of this act outweighs my shame. Can't wait to slip into a pair of these after Thanksgiving dinner...

The Bruins: Is that a 6 game winning streak we are on? Somewhere around 36ish goals? Despite the fact Seguin thinks it’s okay to grow a mustache I am completely in love with all of you. I wish I could express happiness and empty wine bottles these wins have brought me. THANK YOU.

Mascara: Some mornings I wakeup and I look in the mirror and it’s a scary sight. My hair is doing something strange, my nose ring hurts, and there are little goey/crusty things in the corners of my eyes. I tenderly refer to them as Eye Snot. Very appealing I know. I no longer wonder why I do not have a boyfriend, trust me. But with a quick splash of water and a couple of layers of mascara (a few more if I end up poking myself in the eye with the wand and have to take a break to wimper from the pain) but after that suddenly I have a decent looking set of eyes without eye snot. Mascara you are a god. Keep up the good work.

Bad Songs: You know that overly dramatic song skyscraper by Demi Lovato? What the fuck is going on? Why is she so upset, she’s at the beach. Sit down in a lawn chair hunny, have a pina colada and forget about being a skyscraper. That’s your problem. Your spending too much time wishing you were an inanimate object. Jesus Christ shutup, sit down, put on your bikini and stop whining. Without this song however, I would have no reason to be thankful for all the great songs that actually have meaning or a good beat.



All in all, the moral of the story is no matter how big or small there is always something to be thankful for. You just have to open your eyes and find the good. (Wait, that exists?)

Thank You (seriously, I still can't believe people read my blog.)

The Bitter Bitch

A Story about POT or not...

  Get ready kids, this is a good one.  *Note: I a posting this from a bus on my way to NYC via my blackberry, pictures and links will be up within the next week.

Another sidenote: THE BUS JUST BROKE DOWN! Awesome.

One time I decided to go visit my boyfriend (now an ex obviously, I'm a walking train wreck and the fact that we were two INCREDIBLY different people. Imagine a hippy and a business woman trying to date). Any who he went to college in Orono, ME aka where The University of Maine is. This was about a 2 hour drive from my hometown of Sopo (read awesome blog on sopo here).

Since I was 'so young' and the drive was 'so long' my mother strongly suggested I bring a friend with me. And by strongly suggested I mean I had no other choice. But my boyfriend was a little socially awkward so I really agreed a fun friend could only enhance the situation.

In addition to forcing me to bring a friend she also was determined my car would self destruct inspector gadget style within minutes of the 'really long journey'. My super sexy ford escort the vintage age of 1998 was banned from the roads of Northern Maine. I was to take her white suv. We switched cars at work (Hannaford, of course).

With Emily in the passenger seat and me at the wheel we hit the road (after a brief run in with a median strip in the Marshalls parking lot..I swear I didn't see it.) About 15 minutes into our voyage screaming at the top of our lungs to Pink's I'm not dead album Wendy calls. Her tone is frighteningly furious. (Anyone who knows my mom understands how freakin' scary she can be).

"Christina, I am in shock right now. I just cannot believe you"

"Uhhh...I'm sorry, what are you talking about..." (me extremely confused)

I'm thinking, she's probably disappointed that I hadn't vacuumed my car.

"I just cannot believe this...."

 Long pause.

"What the HELL are you talking about"

Now I'm seriously concerned.

"There is marijuana in your car!!!!"

 Cue me instantly laughing.

"Mom, I can assure you there is no marijuana in my car."

"CHRISTINA MARY!! Do not lie to me, I am looking right at it, it's still on the bud!'

Me laughing...

"...Mom I don't even know what that means..."

Meanwhile I'm seriously wondering how she knows this.

"Don't play dumb I'm staring at it, turn around you are not going Orono."

"Ok mom, I will turn around to prove to you that whatever you have found in my car is not weed"

So as I'm driving back...I'm starting to wonder if I smoke weed? Do I have a split personality who loves to get high and eat large amounts unhealthy snack foods? Am I unknowingly a psychotic pot head? Did that girl who hates me for stealing her boyfriend try to frame me? Government Conspiracy?

So I finally arrive at the gas station to meet my mom and get out of the car and into my sexy escy.

My mom shoves this crusty green thing in my face very assertively. As if she is Queen of Botany and I am a lowly gum shoe.

I take one look at it and stare at her in disbelief. I am utterly shocked. I can't even laugh because it isn't funny.

Why?

Because it's fucking dried up lettuce. My mom found dried up lettuce from a sandwich in my car and had me thinking I belonged in a mental institution or the government was setting me up. Over a piece of boston bibb lettuce.


Now put some Romaine in your pipe and smoke it.

xo Teen

Why it SUCKS to be a girl

Now gentleman, you cannot under any circumstances be angry at me about this one. Why? Because I already posted a blog about the shitty things that you have to deal with in life. I also REALLY do feel bad that you're not allowed to cry and when you get excited something pokes out of your pants for all the world to see.

But I am a lady. Okay, scratch that. I am a female. No seriously I am a lady. A man bowed to me just the other day. No that's not fucking weird...okay, maybe just a little.

ANYWAY...

The fact that I have ovaries and boobies and from time to time (or once EVERY MONTH for almost my entire life) they cause me lots of pain and maybe even one day will cause me 9 months and around 12+ hours of excruciating pain due to your stupid swimmers gives me the right to make a solid case on why is blows the big one (no pun intended) to be a girl.

1. You bleed at innapropriate times: On my 12th birthday I received a gift. The worst gift in the history of mankind. Besides the time my best friend gave me hair clips for Christmas or when my mom bought me a belly shirt when I was chubby 3rd grader. Mother nature hailed down from her mighty high horse and turned me into a woman. As much of a woman you can be at age 12 I supposed. As if I wasn't awkward enough with my red hair, gap tooth, and love for the power ranges I was blessed with Ant Flo.

Flo' feels the need to come during the most inconvenient times.

Like when you're no where near a bathroom, wearing tight white shorts, and with your friend and her dad.

On the plane on the way to your Senior Spring Break trip to The Bahamas.

During your lacrosse game, while you're guarding the most furious and wolflike female you've ever seen.

Just before your first date with this super hot guy wait... this obviously doesn't matter because NO self-respecting woman would sleep with a guy on their first date! No matter how Greek Godly he is. And this especially doesn't matter to me because I do not get asked out on dates.

Whatever, you get the picture. Feeling like your insides are being squeezed like a wet kitchen towell, while bloated with a giant zit right between your eyebrows is FUCKING AWFUL.

2. Men's ability to be NATURALLY pretty: Guys, I am so freaking envious that you can pop out of the shower all wet and drippy looking incredibly freaking sexy. You know what we look like? Drowned muskrats. Blotchy, bleeding (from slipping on the shaving cream mid-shave), and our hair..it is either dripping uncomfortably all over our back or in a turbie twist making us look like this guy.

All you do is fucking put on a pair of jeans, sneakers, and a t shirt and look awesome. We must then 'style our hair' , put on a bunch of makeup, squeeze into the worlds tightest jeans, a pushup bra, and some sort of shirt that makes us look more fashionable and sexy than the other bitches at the bar. Do you know how long it takes to master eyeliner? No, because you don't freaking NEED it.

Is this every unmarried woman's future?

3.  Not wanting to get MARRIED: If a guy says he doesn't want to get married he's the super cool bachelor who will always 'slay' hot chicks never having to live life 'on the leash'. When woman says that all of a sudden we are transformed into the creepy cat lady who is a baby hating alien with no wish to make sandwiches every morning at 5am for her 3 children while her husband snores upstairs in their egyptian cotton sheets.

4. Tights: Some men may actually wear tights and that's fine, you can totally sympathize. But when I was a kid I wanted to claw my mom's eyes out every holiday, communion, dumb family event she made me wear tights for. They are itchy, they fall down, and they cut off your circulation. As little boys you wore chinos, a Tommy hilfiger button up, and a sweater vest. That sounds to put it simply, like heaven.

She uses her boobs to pay off her college education!

5. I was going to talk about how it sucks to have boobs. But then I seriously reconsidered it. Boobs are powerful creatures. They help you to find your way out of a speeding ticket, get a couple of extra chicken nuggets at Wendys, and men are OBSESSED with them. If you learn to use your bubby powers the right way the occational soreness and wearing a bra don't seem like that big of a deal.

6. The cute, funny, fat girl will never be liked as much as the cute, funny, fat guy. Because she's a girl and it's sad that she's over-weight and not funny when she makes fun of herself because she's just insecure and hiding her true feelings. Such a bunch of bull. Men get away with being chubba's a lot easier than woman can.

7. Multitasking: It's hard for a guy to watch tv and have a conversations with you at the same time. Well I can make a three course meal, read a chapter for finance, watch Grey's Anatomy, fold laundry, and talk on the phone all at once. You may be thinking, "That doesn't suck at all". Well yes it does. Because woman are expected to do infinitely more things than men. If a guy wakes up at noon, showers, writes a paper, and drinks 10 beers that is considered to be a "productive" day. If I did that I would be a useless POS.

"Ahh, what a successful day, let me reward myself with a beer...or 20."

8. We have to marry you: You hairy, messy, loogie hocking, farting, angry, hornballs. And we take care of you, bear your children, all with a smile on our face. (I think it's because we're in love with you, but I'm not 100% because I think love is stupid and non-existant)

9. We push a 6-12 pound human being out of our vagina.

10.  See nine, about 10 more times.
 

Anywho, I still like being a girl more than a guy because of all the great benefits of having boobs.

Also, Boys you may notice that I KINDLY didn't mention that you can sleep with however many woman you want and be "THE MAN" but girls are whores. Mostly because you are way more discrete, composed, and tactful in your skanky decisions. I can respect that.Girls who sleep with three dudes in the same frat house really are whores and I cannot respect that. You at least have the decency to sleep with one girl from each athletic team or to not throw a fit at the bar when all three of your past hookups show up with a new girl.


Peace, Love, and Vagina's,

Teen

Hookups: In retrospect

My thoughts on hookups have changed darastically since freshman year of college. Here's a nice little story.

I believe a lot of college students begin this transformation sometime near the end of their sophomore year and beginning of their junior. At 18 new to the 'being on your own thing' (aka living in a dorm with a bunch of people your age, getting money from mom and dad every month and having a meal plan.) We were like hungry children in the candy store. Anything and everything was acceptable. We didn't much care what kind of candy it was just as long as it tasted good. So we picked our treats and woke up the next morning as they scampered on out.

Soon enough that feeling would come. Well, there are three 'feelings'. The sugar high would kick and you would find yourself crashing. You're left with a nasty headache from your over-indulgence and potentially the regret of too much sugar. Or perhaps you realize that the candy isn't that great and your instantly over it's brief endorphin rush. Sometimes, the candy becomes an addiction. Something you fiend for, a daily fix. But lets remember that's just what it is. You're 'fix'. That tasty treat you purchase in the bakery and devour in your car; disposing of the bag before anyone can see, is just dessert.

Now don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with sampling a nice chocolate ganache but just remember that you deserve your main entree. Don't forget that somewhere out there you have a slow braised osso bucco over risotto waiting for you. Dessert may be your weakness from time to time but the main entree, that's what fills you up. Remember that.


A Retrospective Dose of Teen

The Toast

So my mom got married yesterday evening, I know some of you take pride in the fact that I normally am a heartless bitch making fun of the inner workings of my crappy relationships or hating on men. Deep down, I may even be serious!


Since I was the maid of honor at my mother's wedding I had to dig down deep in my tiny grinch heart to come up with the proper words to describe her and her new husbands love for one another. (Happy people, gagging noises ensue)



The Toast:
When I was growing up my mom was the person who nagged at you repeatedly to put on an ironed shirt and pair of jeans before leaving the house. Once I was grown up she reminded me not to drink too many beers out at night with my friends. In Rick and I’s case both these things still happen.
Since Wendy brought me into this world I have no choice but to listen to her. However, Rick does not. But that's the kind of guy Rick is, he figured something out in two years what it took me 17 years to figure out. That my mother is always right and without her in our lives we would be drunk and wrinkly.


I am so lucky to have a mother that is not only my caretaker but my best friend. She taught me that patience, kindness, and responsibility are some of the most important virtues a person can possess. This is why I am not surprised that she chose to marry a man that possess’ all of these qualities. Any man that lets three 21 year old girls invade his home, take his SUV to Orlando, tries all of my culinary creations, and makes the bed every morning is not someone you pass up.


What I’m trying to say is all we really want is someone who accepts us for our obsessive cleaning habits or preference for over-cooked meat. Someone who loves us no matter what. Someone who will kiss our seven heads at night telling us everything will be okay. I am so happy that my mom and Rick have found that in each other.
I wish you a lifetime of happiness, cheers!




Okay, so maybe I'm not heartless after all. But at least I'm still a bitch.


A Wedding Dose of Teen

Life Lessons with a side of hope

The world might be a shitty place with thoughtless people and crappy weather...but we can't let that affect us. There's still booze, cute old couples, and dancing in the rain.

Urban Dictionary

So I'm going to admit that I 'urban dictionaried' my name this afternoon. I know, how self-obsessed can I be. I was half expecting some demeaning lingo about being a slut or a neurotic bitch. Wait...those are bad things? But Urban Dictionary had a nice little surprise for me.

Christina:
The coolest, cutest, nicest girl ever. With the best personality, also very quick witted and very smart. Everyone should get to meet her at least once.


Gosh, UD I'm blushing! On a serious note whoever wrote this...please contact me..asap.

Then there was a video of chimpanzees kissing. Which may seem weird to you guys but I often have dreams that I am having a baby and then I actually have said 'baby' and it is a chimpanzee. I don't think I want to know what dreaming about giving birth to primates means.

And then they continue to flatter all the Christina's in the land with this paragraph:

Christina, is a lovely whip smart, worldly person with a slight streak of madness that enlivens conversations and entertains anyone who meets her. She is a magnetic artist. She lives every day like an artist. She instantly put me at ease with a warm feeling of familiarity. Maybe she has this effect on everyone, of giving the impression that she is an instant friend, or maybe we hit it off in some unusual way. She has a pure heart and believes in fairness. She is a team player and will put as much effort into a loved ones project as her own. She has a wicked sense of humour. Her beauty is timeless and classic. She values nurturing above all else. She puts you at ease with her beauty but at a turn can remind you she is the most stunning and intelligent woman in the room.

Now people, I can assure you Urban Dictionary is very confused. I have no idea what a magnetic artist is but if it has anything to do with art or magnets I struggle severely with both. I do most certainly entertain people because I am constantly doing embarrassing things like spilling food all over myself and falling on my face. In addition I always have great stories about almost killing co-workers on my first day of work or being asked out on a date at 16 by a 28 year old man after bagging his groceries. My heart is filled with ice do not believe this purity bullshit and life isn't fucking fair. I hate working in teams and prefer to do all the work myself because I know it will get done the right way. Help my loved ones? Psh, I love no one. Love is for wussies. Humor, I know nothing about. If my beauty is so timeless and classic why did I once wear petroleum glitter from Clarie's all over my eyes and hot topic skirts? Ask anyone about my motherly skills, little children run away crying when I am near. Additionally if I'm so intelligent why can't I remember how to do long division or to not date assholes?

Sorry this entire blog was about me. Sometimes I can be such a selfish bitch.
 
No Love,
 
Teen

Priorities

Molly- "Omg. Frozen Fenway is an NCAA Function so I'm not sure there will be beverages. Do you have a flask?"

Me- "...I'm seriously concerned"

Me - "Should we just watch at a bar across the street?"

Soul Mates

"Why aren't you here. I need a snuggle buddy!"

"Same. I wish we lived together. Some people can't even wipe down a counter."

"I scrub my counters with bleach and a toothbrush."

"We are soul mates."

Nice Guys Finish Last

Everyone always talks about how being a nice person isn't going to get you anywhere in life. I wish I understood this. Why would someone think it is okay to tear people down? From any perspective it's just not acceptable.

I honestly believe that if you are kind, caring, and generous then good things will happen to you. If you make an effort every day to do this something, somewhere along the road will go right. That doesn't mean people who do not believe this "crazy" motto won't have nice things happen to them or that they do not deserve them. Everyone no matter what deserves a little happiness and good fortune.


This also doesn't mean that you won't make mistakes from time to time and that you won't end up in some weird limbo gray area unsure of your next move. That's perfectly fine. Life has a funny way of working out. Trust me.

Macauley Culkin making my days better since 1980

Just thought I would share this video with my 12 blog followers and apparently numerous anonymous readers via Facebook and Twitter..

Despite the fact that it is not Christmas and the sun is shining after 'Not so Ferocious' Irene caused a couple of power outages, mass hysteria, and high tide to welcome itself into Anjon's Restaurant (why is my families restaurant in the worst geographical location ever?)  I thought I would share one of my favorite moments in Home Alone. Please ignore the Spanish title and crappy audio.

In other news everyone who is going back to school have a fun, safe, and educational semester! Most of my friends are embarking on their senior year with bittersweet thoughts..perhaps one of my favorite quotes will help you get through the excitement and over-whelming thoughts of entering the "real world" in just 9 months.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”


An Enlightened Dose of Teen

Quote of The Day

My thoughts about the world were shaken. Like driving along a bumpy road and losing control of the steering wheel, tossing you, just a tad, off the road. The wheels kick up some dirt, but you're able to pull it back. Yet no matter how tightly you grip the wheel, no matter how hard you try to drive straight, something keeps jerking you to the side. You have so little control over anything anymore. And at some point, the struggle becomes too much, too tiring, and you consider letting go. Allowing tragedy... or whatever to happen.
-Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why

Let's Pray

"Hoping and praying isn't exactly my style."

"Yeah, God doesn't like me enough to let me pray my way out of things"

"I think it's cause we only pray when we want something.."

"Oh is that not how it works?"

Song of the Day

This song requires no explanation.

The Ins and Outs of Car Crying: Admit it you all do it

Now I like to keep my blog light and fluffy. I like to address difficult issues with a bit of humor. 

Sometimes you have to laugh or else you'll cry your eyes out.. I read that somewhere once and it really stuck. If you think about it laughter and crying go hand in hand. Both are often times uncontrollable reactions to things that happen to you. Sometimes I just cannot control my tears or laughter, I literally explode with either when it happens. They take a lot out of you too. Everyone should take a cat nap after a long laugh or a good cry.

I'm going to discuss something in which we all are guilty of once or twice or you know well over a handful of times in our life. Car crying. You know when you fight back tears walking down the driveway before getting into the caror this one song comes on and before you know it there's a waterfall erupting from your face and your nose is leaking everywhere. That's right, you know what I'm talking about. There's something about the car that just helps you let loose. Maybe its being enclosed in the space that makes you feel protected from the outside world. The security of being in control of a moving object that just lets you lose a part of yourself. Even though there's windows and mine are certainly not tinted it still feels like a protective coccon that allows you to lose it. Now for some proper crying etiquette.

Proper Car Crying Etiquette

1. No human being under any circumstances is allowed to be in car. However, dogs or any other animal are more than welcome. 

2. You must wipe your face at the red lights. For some reason no matter how upset or how hard I am crying I always seem to get my shit together at the red light. I wipe my face a little just in case the old lady or the young group of kids in the car next to me happen to sneak a peak over at me. I wouldn't want them to think I was some crazy chick crying in her car. My gosh natural body process' are so embarassing. I can only imagine how horrible this is for guys. I imagine you boys furiously wiping away your tears as you put the breaks on, taking deep breaths, and turning on some rap music. That's actually quite cute by the way. Not that your crying but the preparation, I would be really sad to see someone crying in the car. In fact I would do this in my window to you..

3. Let the tears roll! Do not pull out that lonely Dunkin Donuts napkin in the glove box until you are at your destination. If you take it out too early it will be soggy and useless crumpled up in your hand for the entire car ride.

4. Music: Adjust the music to your mood. Do not just hope and pray that a good song comes on the radio. Make sure those essential tracks are on your iPod for emergency car crying sessions. Turn it up, hit the steering wheel in anger whatever it is you do when you play that one song that hits home for you.

5. If you are really close with someone, so close that blubbering inaudible sounds on the phone to this person is completely acceptable and they won't think you're bat shit crazy, dial them up. Most of the time I call my mom. She's is one of the few who can help to calm me down from any situation. Plus she has no choice but to love me, she created me! Sometimes I'll text my best friend of 15 years (yes that's longer than most marriages) something completely off topic from my crying just so I can laugh about all the stupid shit we went through growing up together. Thinking about what you've been through can really help you with what you're going through.

6. If you're not done crying yet, take the long way. We all know once we reach our destination it just doesn't seem right to cry anymore.

7. Upon reaching your final destination: Get your shit together. Take a look in the mirror (no, it's not pretty) wipe your face, use that Dunk's napkin you have on reserve, slap your cheeks, take some deep breaths, search for a mint, put on some makeup (if your that kind of girl, I SURE AM), and roll out of the car like nothing ever happened.

There you have it.

A Dose of Tears

Song of the Day

Just watch it. You will find yourself smiling in no time!

Some Thoughts on my Running Playlist

 This evening I went for a run...

Okay, everyone stop laughing.


I actually sent this text message to my friend before going just in case:

(207): I'm going for run...to the musical stylings of lil wayne. If I don't text you in an hour..please send really hot men in a search party after me..and bring makeup so I look pretty when I'm rescued.

I set out on my run at a slow jaunt down the street when I realized I didn't want to go that way and abruptly turned around and backtracked to the other end of the street. I do this a lot in parking lots when I forget where I've parked my car. Having no sense of direction really does make me look like an idiot.

Before heading out on my run I made a quick playlist on my itouch (a feature that still brings me joy).

If anyone has every wondered what songs make me want to tear up the gravel here they are:

 1. All Over You- The Spill Canvas
This is a great song.  If you haven’t discovered the sexy sounds of their lead singer you’re seriously missing out. It’s probably his sexy voice that makes me want to run. Run really fast to him of course. 

2. Better Than Revenge- Taylor Swift
I hate dumb bitches. T-Swift does too. I always get the last word too Taylor.

She look's so innocent, just don't piss her off.

3. Best Days of your Life- Kellie Pickler
Angry bitter songs are obviously a constant re-occurrence on my playlist.

4. Big Star- Kenny Chesney
*This was an accidental "click" and when I tried to remove it the song was added 4 more times to the playlist. I clearly struggle with mac products.

 5. Fly- Nicki Minaj   
How does she do it? She pumps me up for just about any hill I have to tackle.

6. I Need a Doctor - Eminem & Skylar Grey   
Eminem is such and angry white boy. Also he likes to grab his junk a lot.

7. Irreplaceable- Beyonce     
I can have another you in a minute.

8. My Life - The Game ft. Lil Wayne 
I mean what song could describe me any better?

9. Numb/Encore Jay-z ft Linkin Park
I rolled down the street to this song feeling like a bad ass mouthing the lyrics. To everyone else I just looked like a crazy white girl running while talking to herself.

10. Radar- Britney Spears   

takin' his shirt off to bake me a cake

Her lyrics are just so provocative. I like to pretend Jake Gyllenhal is running in front of me with chocolate cake in his hands enticing me to keep going once my asthma kicks in. Thanks for the motivation Jake and the tasty treat.

Finally,

Right Above it- Lil Wayne ft Drake
Once I finished my run I sat on my terrace in my lawn chair bobbing my head. I like to shoot first and like my chicks in two too as well Lil Wayne. We have so much in common.

We even look alike.

I'm really thirsty. Maybe Lil Wayne will bring me some cough syrup.

Peace, Love, and Cookies :)

-Teen

Adventures with my Father

Now to those of you who know me understand that my dad and I have a very special relationship. We bond over chicken piccata, he collects spiders from the garage and leaves them on my bed, and we both own cowboy boots.

I am going to share some of our more interesting memories in which we experienced while being "roommates.

I had the pleasure of spending an entire summer living with my dad before my sophomore year of college. I learned that his snoring can be heard from the other side of the house with 3 different doors closed and that I should never leave underwear that says, "SHUTUP AND KISS ME" in the dryer where my he will find them. To be fair when I bought them I really had no idea they said that.

 My dad is known as "The  Aggravater" or "Cupcake". "Aggravater Dad" does things like chase me around the house with a spider trapped under glass and a piece of paper while I spray pledge at him until he corner's me and throws the spider at me as I shriek in fear of the eight legged beast. Nearly in tears as my dad is pissing himself laughing so hard he shows me that its just a fake spider drawn on the computer paper. What an asshole right?

Well later that evening I was sitting in the computer room when I can hear my father pawing through the kitchen. This is how he earned the nickname, "Cupcake". I instantly knew what he was looking for. His favorite lady in the whole world. 

Debbie, you're a trifalin hoe.

 LITTLE DEBBIE. Those of you who do not know me, I find the need to hide things people should not have. As a child I would stow my mom's cigarettes in various locations, I once hid an ex-boyfriends chain wallet from him in his own bedroom because it was hideious and I didn't want to be seen with a Jax Teller wannabe, and you bet I hide the Hostess/Little Debbie artery clogging confections from my father.

People just don't understand I am just trying to protect them. Anywho, I can hear dad hunting for his tasty treats, pour himself a tall glass of milk and make his way over to the computer room. 

"Chrisssssteeeeeeeena" he whines. 

"Where are the Little Debbies!?!?"

He sounds desperate. I can hear him inching closer. I'm smirking because he will never find them. That's when I heard it. The slip, the bang, the crashing of the cup to the floor. I stop in my tracks, stunned for a moment, worried that my dad is incapacitated and I am the only one who can save him.

I erupt from the chair to the doorway where I see my dad Shamu style on the floor clutching his hand.

Shamu Style

"Fuck" I thought, "His arm is broken". 

He looks up at me with tears in his eyes and cries out, " Myyyyyyyy pinnnnnkkkyyyy". All while clutching his hand in complete and utter pain. I couldn't believe it, my dad is not a small guy, he is relatively masculine, and he was sitting there in shambles over his pinky finger?

That's when I lost it. For a good 45 minutes I could not stifle my laughter. After cleaning up the spilled milk, getting him a band aid and cleaning his "wound" I was still hysterical.  He was getting angrier and angrier. He claims he fell where I had sprayed pledge at him that morning during the spider fiasco.  Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but I like to call that karma.

Sharing embarassing stories about my family members is only okay if I tell you about not so shining moments of mine. So some of you may know that I am a 'little bit' (being an understatement) of a country fan. My lovely father to whom I just spoke of bought me VIP tickets to go see Brad Paisley at Seacoast Country Fest (probably still feeling bad about tormenting me with bugs 2 years ago). 

Well my friend and I started drinking at 3pm...Unfortunately we never actually made it to our seats and I will never know what was in my "VIP gift bag". But I can tell you that my cell phone died at the end of the concert and I was left running back and forth around Scarborough downs searching for my dad who was picking up his "mature & sophisticated" 21 year old daughter. In this time I managed to give my number to a hot guy when I was supposed to be finding my dad, stopped a woman in her car to drunkenly borrow her cell phone (turns out she knew me when I was a baby..go figure)..and then I hopped on a golf cart with event security and made him weave through traffic to find the escalade in the disaster of cars waiting to leave Scarborough Downs.  He dropped me off, I popped myself into the back seat, buckled up, looked at my father and demanded he get me a cheeseburger. Who did I think I was David Hasselhoff?  The funny thing is he really did speed off to Wendy's along with 78% of the concert attendees just to get me a late night drunken snack. On the way I suddenly realized I had to pee. It was urgent. Incredibly urgent and I began to yell very loudly.This is where I have to make my dad pull behind Dunkin Donuts so I can pee behind their dumpster in the woods. I am lucky I didn't come face to face with a skunk. Eventually I got my cheeseburger and the next morning I noticed a trail of bacon leading from the car to the house so I am assuming I enjoyed it. I'm sure my dad enjoyed watching me scurry behind a dumpster to pee and my belligerent yelling about fast food because who wouldn't want a daughter who is just that cla$$y?

Well there you have it, a glimpse into my super special relationship with Johnny D. Be jealous that your dad doesn't dance to Michael Jackson in his towel  or organize your jewelry box when he's bored.

A Daughter Dose of Teen