Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Embarassing things I say or do...
1.) Just the other night I was out to dinner with family and friends for my dad's birthday. We got onto the topic of our old house and how my brother's longtime roommate James ended up living there. I blurted out, "Oh you mean back when you were sleeping in my bed!" Which in turn made it sound like I had been sharing a room and bed with James...which was entirely not true, though he was sleeping in my bed, I was in another bed in another place far far away from James' sleeping body. Anyways, randomly proclaiming things like this happens to me all the time.
2.) Need I elaborate on the two item condom?
3.) Seating a party of 5 upstairs at the restaurant in a mini-dress and falling up the stairs while they are behind me. "ASSkk me anything about the menu, I'd be happy to help folks."
3.) Reading through one of my really friends emails with his girlfriend in which proclaimed he was having a party, getting seriously upset that I wasn't invited to the party, and then him telling me, "It's a pants party". I guess I really didn't want to go to that party...
4.) During game night at my ex-boyfriends I loudly proclaimed to him "FEWT is not a word!" (I had letters to spell foot). Obviously I am horrible at word scramble.
5.) When my roommate asks, " What did you make for lunch today" and I respond, " McDonald's, don't judge me, I had a bad day okay!!!"
6.) When I complement the male cashiers cool watch and don't realize that it sounds like I'm hitting on him. I just liked his freaking watch. I had no interest in him sexually, it just came out like I was a creepy stalker.
7.) Getting overly competitive during Jeopardy, so loud that the neighbors hear and are concerned for someones well being.
8.) Trying to program the phone to auto dial 911 and actually calling...911
9.) Missing a complete step and nearly face planting in front of my entire class last semester going to get my homework. Thankfully one guy was concerned for my well being and ran to me to ask if I was okay. Physically yes...mentally scarred for the rest of my life...yes to that too.
10.) Not tying my clown pants tight enough during a concert my 3rd grade class was performing for the big kids of the school. Losing my pants mid show and having to hold them up while I scampered off with the other clowns offstage. What is even worse about this story is the fact I was dressed up as a clown, lost my pants, and was humiliated in front of grades 4-5 in my elementary school.
A red in the face dose of Teen
2.) Need I elaborate on the two item condom?
3.) Seating a party of 5 upstairs at the restaurant in a mini-dress and falling up the stairs while they are behind me. "ASSkk me anything about the menu, I'd be happy to help folks."
3.) Reading through one of my really friends emails with his girlfriend in which proclaimed he was having a party, getting seriously upset that I wasn't invited to the party, and then him telling me, "It's a pants party". I guess I really didn't want to go to that party...
4.) During game night at my ex-boyfriends I loudly proclaimed to him "FEWT is not a word!" (I had letters to spell foot). Obviously I am horrible at word scramble.
5.) When my roommate asks, " What did you make for lunch today" and I respond, " McDonald's, don't judge me, I had a bad day okay!!!"
6.) When I complement the male cashiers cool watch and don't realize that it sounds like I'm hitting on him. I just liked his freaking watch. I had no interest in him sexually, it just came out like I was a creepy stalker.
7.) Getting overly competitive during Jeopardy, so loud that the neighbors hear and are concerned for someones well being.
8.) Trying to program the phone to auto dial 911 and actually calling...911
9.) Missing a complete step and nearly face planting in front of my entire class last semester going to get my homework. Thankfully one guy was concerned for my well being and ran to me to ask if I was okay. Physically yes...mentally scarred for the rest of my life...yes to that too.
10.) Not tying my clown pants tight enough during a concert my 3rd grade class was performing for the big kids of the school. Losing my pants mid show and having to hold them up while I scampered off with the other clowns offstage. What is even worse about this story is the fact I was dressed up as a clown, lost my pants, and was humiliated in front of grades 4-5 in my elementary school.
A red in the face dose of Teen
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Pre-Thanksgiving Thoughts
My dad owns a restaurant and he's owned it for all of my life. I have found that I get less and less excited about Thanksgiving every year.
Now why may you ask? Why does Thanksgiving not mean the joyous, great, fattening times that you and your family have?
First of all the restaurant is open on Thanksgiving! You guys thought Thanksgiving was about being thankful. Oh piss off, we all know it's a consumer holiday in which marks the beginning of the "real" Christmas season in which we all spend too much money and time buying gifts and not enough time with the people we truly care about. So either I had the choice to sit home while my family worked (once my brother was old enough to hold a bus bucket and eventually a tray he was working on Thanksgiving too). My mom used to work at the restaurant on Thanksgiving but my parents are divorced and she lives in Florida so that would be really awkward now a days.
So on Thanksgiving instead I found myself at a variety of different venues here's the list
1.) The Garcia Family Thanksgiving- Hectic, overwhelming, never on time, and so NOT my Italian family Thanksgiving. I have spent Thanksgiving and Easter with this family. The thing I always found the most strange was that they served corn as a side dish. I know corn is a HUGE foundation of our diet and the first T-Gives, but christ almighty, never had I ever eaten corn during my holiday meals.
2.) The Breakers Hotel in Florida enjoying glass stuffing ( no joke). Anyways before we could make it to this world famous hotel the house down the street caught fire and my uncle was pulled over for speeding while my cousin and I were laying down in the back of the SUV floor hidden by a blanket. I really couldn't make this shit up if I tried. The food was great but it was a buffet in an elegant ballroom and I really wanted to trade in my skirt for a pair of jeans and some heavy winter socks, curl up in butterball ( ha ha get it) and fall into a turkey coma listening to the football game.
3.) Working @ the restaurant- I spent last T-Gives sorting out seating charts the night before and still found myself fucked over halfway through the day. I worked the entire day going on a slice of bread. I was waiting to eat with my brother at the bar (so classy) but he "got sooo hungry" he ate without me. Oh yeah and my dad showed up with his gf and her family to eat dinner. 'Nuff said.
4.) Having dinner alone with my mom..this was actually kinda cool because I didn't have to go anywhere with a strange family, we watched the Macy's Day Parade, my friend Nick brought us donuts in the morning (SO SWEET), and bopped around the house in our sweats. She watched the football game while I did homework, and we both napped on the couch.
5.) T-Gives with my brother's then fiance (now wife) without my brother- Obviously John was working and Melissa felt bad I had no where to go. So I went to "Grams". For those of you who haven't met Gram she's the most adorable, soft spoken, awesome lady you will ever meet. I think she could actually kick Betty White's ass. Anyways the thing I always notice about other people's holidays is that they are soo much more QUIET. It's deafening to me to hear so much silence. I'm used to 12 guests or more T-Gives when I was a wee child and family screaming at you if you should by chance infringe their view of the television.
6.) T-Gives with my boyfriend of the times family- This was after a long day of working at the restaurant. I smelled like a kitchen, my feet hurt, and I was exhausted. I was just expecting to meet everyone on the couch to watch a Christmas special and have dessert with them ( it was really late for normal Thanksgiving meals) when I called my then boyfriend and he told me they hadn't eaten yet and they were waiting for me. So I had myself a little happy cry in the car before heading into their house because I was soo excited to sit down for Thanksgiving dinner (with a normal functioning family who can actually cook). I had already eaten but I pretended I hadn't and it was seriously awesome. The 3 glasses of wine may have contributed to my warm, jolly feelings. But anyways someone should have taken a photo it was such a freaken kodak moment. Damn them.
7.) A holiday dinner with my best friend Nick, his family, and his now ex gf- This was not at the Link's home. This was at their relatives. It didn't really occur to me how weird it was that I was going to dinner with his family until we walked through the door and his relatives had to figure out which one of us was Nick's girlfriend. Maybe they thought we were a creepy Mormon threesome? But the entire family had thoroughly puzzled looks on their faces when we walked through the door and seemed a little on edge the entire time we were there, even my chocolate creme pie and flowers couldn't subside the wandering questions in their minds!
Not sure where I will end up this year, freeloading a free meal, joining in some other families T-Gives conversation, while judging their family traditions..BUT we shall see.
A Turkey dose of Teen
Now why may you ask? Why does Thanksgiving not mean the joyous, great, fattening times that you and your family have?
First of all the restaurant is open on Thanksgiving! You guys thought Thanksgiving was about being thankful. Oh piss off, we all know it's a consumer holiday in which marks the beginning of the "real" Christmas season in which we all spend too much money and time buying gifts and not enough time with the people we truly care about. So either I had the choice to sit home while my family worked (once my brother was old enough to hold a bus bucket and eventually a tray he was working on Thanksgiving too). My mom used to work at the restaurant on Thanksgiving but my parents are divorced and she lives in Florida so that would be really awkward now a days.
So on Thanksgiving instead I found myself at a variety of different venues here's the list
1.) The Garcia Family Thanksgiving- Hectic, overwhelming, never on time, and so NOT my Italian family Thanksgiving. I have spent Thanksgiving and Easter with this family. The thing I always found the most strange was that they served corn as a side dish. I know corn is a HUGE foundation of our diet and the first T-Gives, but christ almighty, never had I ever eaten corn during my holiday meals.
3.) Working @ the restaurant- I spent last T-Gives sorting out seating charts the night before and still found myself fucked over halfway through the day. I worked the entire day going on a slice of bread. I was waiting to eat with my brother at the bar (so classy) but he "got sooo hungry" he ate without me. Oh yeah and my dad showed up with his gf and her family to eat dinner. 'Nuff said.
4.) Having dinner alone with my mom..this was actually kinda cool because I didn't have to go anywhere with a strange family, we watched the Macy's Day Parade, my friend Nick brought us donuts in the morning (SO SWEET), and bopped around the house in our sweats. She watched the football game while I did homework, and we both napped on the couch.
5.) T-Gives with my brother's then fiance (now wife) without my brother- Obviously John was working and Melissa felt bad I had no where to go. So I went to "Grams". For those of you who haven't met Gram she's the most adorable, soft spoken, awesome lady you will ever meet. I think she could actually kick Betty White's ass. Anyways the thing I always notice about other people's holidays is that they are soo much more QUIET. It's deafening to me to hear so much silence. I'm used to 12 guests or more T-Gives when I was a wee child and family screaming at you if you should by chance infringe their view of the television.
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| Norman Rockwell, what's up? |
7.) A holiday dinner with my best friend Nick, his family, and his now ex gf- This was not at the Link's home. This was at their relatives. It didn't really occur to me how weird it was that I was going to dinner with his family until we walked through the door and his relatives had to figure out which one of us was Nick's girlfriend. Maybe they thought we were a creepy Mormon threesome? But the entire family had thoroughly puzzled looks on their faces when we walked through the door and seemed a little on edge the entire time we were there, even my chocolate creme pie and flowers couldn't subside the wandering questions in their minds!
 | |
| It's cool as a fictional tv show but apparently not as reality tv... |
Not sure where I will end up this year, freeloading a free meal, joining in some other families T-Gives conversation, while judging their family traditions..BUT we shall see.
A Turkey dose of Teen
Friday, November 19, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Pro's and Cons of being single during the holidays
PRO: You save anywhere from $50-500 dollars. Depending how intense your relationship is, gifts for family, going out to dinner, gas, presents, wrapping paper etc.
CON: EVERYONE you know suddenly starts getting a boyfriend (even the 10 year old searching for gifts in the rite aid Christmas isle). Not to mention engagements are super popular around this time of year. GAG.
PRO: You don't have to "hide" your dissapointment or act excited when you get a shitty Christmas present when you gave ALL of the hints in the world of the things that you wanted.
CON: It's difficult to find a pal to drag along to holiday fairs, movies, Christmas shopping, someone to get drunk off spiked egg nog with because they're too busy having fun with their significant others...
PRO: No single person likes a happy couple during the holidays. So inadvertantly you're helping to make other single people have a much easier day.
CON: Those extra pounds you pack on during the holidays are a lot lonelier when you can't be "the cute chubby couple". Instead you're just fat and single.
PRO: Your family feels bad and buys you more gifts!
WORST CON EVER: Sleeping alone during the holidays. It's really cold outside and not having someone to snuggle close with, rub your cold feet up against, and watch crappy old Christmas movies on cold, snowy, winter nights is so not "the tits". In fact its pure torture.
Try to enjoy your holidays single folks!
A single dose of Teen
CON: EVERYONE you know suddenly starts getting a boyfriend (even the 10 year old searching for gifts in the rite aid Christmas isle). Not to mention engagements are super popular around this time of year. GAG.
PRO: You don't have to "hide" your dissapointment or act excited when you get a shitty Christmas present when you gave ALL of the hints in the world of the things that you wanted.
CON: It's difficult to find a pal to drag along to holiday fairs, movies, Christmas shopping, someone to get drunk off spiked egg nog with because they're too busy having fun with their significant others...
PRO: No single person likes a happy couple during the holidays. So inadvertantly you're helping to make other single people have a much easier day.
CON: Those extra pounds you pack on during the holidays are a lot lonelier when you can't be "the cute chubby couple". Instead you're just fat and single.
PRO: Your family feels bad and buys you more gifts!
WORST CON EVER: Sleeping alone during the holidays. It's really cold outside and not having someone to snuggle close with, rub your cold feet up against, and watch crappy old Christmas movies on cold, snowy, winter nights is so not "the tits". In fact its pure torture.
Try to enjoy your holidays single folks!
A single dose of Teen
Honey Ginger Garlic BBQ Chicken
One package of chicken wings and thighs
Four cloves of garlic
Four table spoons ginger
1/4 cup of honey
Bottle of your favorite BBQ sauce
Salt
Pepper
Crushed Red Pepper
Scallions
1.) Wash the chicken (dry it thoroughly)
2.) finely chop both the garlic and ginger
3.) Roughly chop the scallions
4.) Place the BBQ sauce, honey, garlic, scallions, and ginger into a large bowl
5.) Add the chicken and coat lightly with salt, pepper, and crushed red pepper and mix
6.) Place the chicken in the fridge to marinade for several hours or all night ( this just increases the flavor..2 hours will be okay as long as you keep rotating the chicken!)
7.) Preheat the oven to 400 degrees and place chicken on a greased baking pan and cook for 20-25 minutes depending on how big your wings are.
Feel free to try this recipe with chicken breasts if you want less fat..just make sure the chicken is cooked all the way through!
ENJOY!
Four cloves of garlic
Four table spoons ginger
1/4 cup of honey
Bottle of your favorite BBQ sauce
Salt
Pepper
Crushed Red Pepper
Scallions
1.) Wash the chicken (dry it thoroughly)
2.) finely chop both the garlic and ginger
3.) Roughly chop the scallions
4.) Place the BBQ sauce, honey, garlic, scallions, and ginger into a large bowl
5.) Add the chicken and coat lightly with salt, pepper, and crushed red pepper and mix
6.) Place the chicken in the fridge to marinade for several hours or all night ( this just increases the flavor..2 hours will be okay as long as you keep rotating the chicken!)
7.) Preheat the oven to 400 degrees and place chicken on a greased baking pan and cook for 20-25 minutes depending on how big your wings are.
Feel free to try this recipe with chicken breasts if you want less fat..just make sure the chicken is cooked all the way through!
ENJOY!
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
The first fart
For those of you who think that girls do not fart or poop...or do anything besides emit pixie dust and perfume auroras
first of all don't read this, second of all..go fuck yourself. (Sorry, but C'MON!)
I'm going to tell you a story...
So I first started dating this guy after 2 years of sisterly solitude and it's great! I'm sneaking out at night, lying to my family about where I'm going, making new friends, frolicking around with this pretty cool fellow. I feel soo comfortable around him that I even get up and grab a glass of water without permission in his house! ROAR We're seriously makin' moves here. We do that whole "couples hang out" thing where there's a wing man and a wing woman, there's some awkward moments, meeting of parents ( not mine cause Italian families are crazy!) We snuggle on the couch and pretend to watch movies while we make out in his bedroom upstairs OMG, this blog just went PG-13. So one night..about two weeks into this whole mess, I'm exhausted from working a double and fading in and out of consciousness with my legs draped over him on the couch. Of course one of his buddies is over ( we can't hangout alone all the time, we have to pretend we actually care about other people first) and they're shooting the shit watching Trailer Park Boys or something. Anyways, I'm just so freaken' cozy its unbelievable...and then it happened. I farted. It wasn't very loud..but it woke me from my mild slumber. The guys went silent. "Did she just fart?" his friend asked.. "He nudges me, " Did you just fart?"... and I respond all nonchalant like I actually meant to emit gas from my ass, "uhh yeah, so what!" and go right back to sleep. Of course because I was so cool, calm, and collected they just accepted it and continued talking about beer or boobs. I eventually admitted that it was an accident and my entire relationship fell apart and died. BOOM.
THE END.
A gassy dose of Teen
first of all don't read this, second of all..go fuck yourself. (Sorry, but C'MON!)
I'm going to tell you a story...
So I first started dating this guy after 2 years of sisterly solitude and it's great! I'm sneaking out at night, lying to my family about where I'm going, making new friends, frolicking around with this pretty cool fellow. I feel soo comfortable around him that I even get up and grab a glass of water without permission in his house! ROAR We're seriously makin' moves here. We do that whole "couples hang out" thing where there's a wing man and a wing woman, there's some awkward moments, meeting of parents ( not mine cause Italian families are crazy!) We snuggle on the couch and pretend to watch movies while we make out in his bedroom upstairs OMG, this blog just went PG-13. So one night..about two weeks into this whole mess, I'm exhausted from working a double and fading in and out of consciousness with my legs draped over him on the couch. Of course one of his buddies is over ( we can't hangout alone all the time, we have to pretend we actually care about other people first) and they're shooting the shit watching Trailer Park Boys or something. Anyways, I'm just so freaken' cozy its unbelievable...and then it happened. I farted. It wasn't very loud..but it woke me from my mild slumber. The guys went silent. "Did she just fart?" his friend asked.. "He nudges me, " Did you just fart?"... and I respond all nonchalant like I actually meant to emit gas from my ass, "uhh yeah, so what!" and go right back to sleep. Of course because I was so cool, calm, and collected they just accepted it and continued talking about beer or boobs. I eventually admitted that it was an accident and my entire relationship fell apart and died. BOOM.
THE END.
A gassy dose of Teen
Men's Idea of Homemaking
I am making some generalizations here, so if you can't take the heat get outta my kitchen!1.) Sexy posters of half naked ladies referring to sexual activity or consumption of alcohol
2.) setting up a bed and a mini fridge in their bedroom
3.) A customized beruit/ beer pong/ flip cup table
4.) Take out containers
5.) Good speakers for parties
6.) A poster of entourage/wedding crashers/some manly company
7.) Duck tape
8.) Frozen pizza in the fridge
9.)A bong on the living room table
10.) House Whores who sleep in one of the roommates bed's relatively more often than normal whores, they make you breakfast at 3am, help you clean your room, or bring brownies over to seem less slutty and help to make the house a little more homey!
I'm hungry now..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!
I personally and most affectionately would like to wish a very happy and amazing birthday to
ISAAC HANSON! YOU SEX KITTEN YOU!
Monday, November 15, 2010
Things you really shouldn't say/do in front of your new boyfriend
Ladies & Gentleman here it goes
- Do you have a plunger (after exiting his bathroom)
- "Your mom and I are so alike omg!"
- "My ex boyfriend insert anything you might say here"
- Change your tampon
- Tell his guy friends you think they are sexy!
- "Well I once saw on this lifetime movie..". "On OTH last night..." "Did you see the new Keeping up with the Kardashians?"
- you-"I'll see you soon hun, just stopping by PP" him- " PP?" you- "Planned Parenthood silly ;-)"
- Tell him any part of his body is "small".
- Tell his friends any embarassing stories you heard from his mom.
- you- " Hey dad!" him- "wrong message, babe" you- "About that..."
Venty McVenterson
So lately I've been trying really hard to be a good person. Now generally I'm well behaved, but like everyone I do have my moments ( shocker, I'm not perfect). Let me let you guys in on a little secret. SOME people will make this very hard. You will want to go down that really common path of destruction that makes you feel like you're achieving something by making others feel worse than you.
Now think about what I just said, you are making other people feel bad. Does that actually make you feel good inside? Does that actually fulfill you as a person? Will this help you feel better about yourself?
I can't answer yes to any of these questions. I hope you can't either.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
Visit Holliequotes.com
Think of me as you undo her dress.
I hope you hear my voice as you kiss her neck
And as lust is screaming for release
I hope to God you're remembering me
I hope you hear my voice as you kiss her neck
And as lust is screaming for release
I hope to God you're remembering me
You aren’t going to be her first, her last, or her only. She's loved before, she will love again, but if she loves you now what else matters? She’s not perfect. You aren’t either, and the two of you will never be perfect. But if she can make you laugh at least once, causes you to think twice, and admits to being human and making mistakes, hold on to her and give her the most you can.
I wanted you to see what real courage is, instead of getting the idea that courage is a man with a gun in his hand. It's when you know you're licked before you begin but you begin anyway and you see it through no matter what. You rarely win, but sometimes you do. - Harper Lee, To Kill a Mockingbird
Ibelieve in pink, I believe that laughing is the best calorie burner. I believe in kissing, kissing a lot. I believe in being strong when everything seems to be going wrong. I believe that happy girls are the prettiest girls. I believe that tomorrow is another day and I believe in miracles. - Audrey Hepburn
Fun for EVERYONE
This morning I am feeling lazy. Well that's no different from any day really. I would love to share some fun link with you all. Check out this chillingly awesome hotel. Also if you feel like you would like to make a difference today (without getting off the couch of course) Go here and learn something!
An ironic Christmas song...Jessica is right..she really couldn't stay or sing for that matter.
If you haven't had enough of me yet I strongly recommend these videos in this exact order.
Later hoes
Lazy Dose of Teen
An ironic Christmas song...Jessica is right..she really couldn't stay or sing for that matter.
If you haven't had enough of me yet I strongly recommend these videos in this exact order.
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=txqiwrbYGrs
- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DxFB5RDmBIA
Later hoes
Lazy Dose of Teen
Body Bowling
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| Please enjoy this photo of me hanging in a bowling alley lane. I'm not to ashamed to admit someone dragged me down it too. |
Saturday, November 13, 2010
This one's for the boys
Now I know this blog is a little bit girlie. I sincerely apologize for my gender. So I thought I would take a day to honor the hardships men face in their life. You how girls always claim they have it "sooooo bad!" with that whole creating life thing. I'm going to discuss a few things that men have to do that really freaken suck.
1.) After a certain age when you fall off your bike, drop your ice-cream on the ground (listen that is DEVASTATING okay?!), or get hit in the face with a soccer ball it's NOT cool to cry. In fact our crazy society considers you a pansy. A few quick tears is really all that's allowed if anything. You gotta suck it up and continue to play even though the aftershock on your face is reverberating throughout your entire body.
2.) You constantly have to deal with women bitching about how much harder it is to be a girl.
"Oh praise god HALLELUJAH to us we menstruate while multi-tasking!"
I think you should all respond, " Try having a boner in front of your entire world history class during your 30 minute long presentation." Now that is embarrassing.
3.) Infant girls start talking before you. This blows. Now you know why we never shut the eff up. We've been doing it longer. We've got a whole 1-2 months on you in that department and we produce more words as well. We are basically bitching at you before you can even respond to us. Don't worry as we turn into toddlers that gap closes a bit and you still make more than us in hourly wages.
4.) Gentleman prepare. I am going to talk about your man parts.
Circumcision: If you're snipped or not..I feel for ya.
If you're snipped then we know that right around the time you were born someone cut skin off of your most sensitive region. Granted you're to young to remember but seriously, that has to be extremely painful as a young new born baby all helpless and trusting of your new parents...then they snip a piece of your weenie off! Not to mention the use of an anesthetic was not common until recently! Not to mention the bleeding and chance of infection after circumcision. I wouldn't develop talking skills until later in my life either if someone did that to me.
If you're not snipped then you have to worry about cleaning all the time. You are more prone to infection, UTI's, and tearing! This really blows. Having dad or mom teach you how to clean your special area is never a cool conversation and this just brings an extra step into the mix. No one wants to remind their son to clean their foreskin. As if you haven't been through enough there is the chance that you could tear! OUCH. (I'll let you guys decide how that could possibly happen but I mean yaaaaa know)
Okay enough about that.
5.) When you have a lady friend in your life ( if you're ever so blessed) and you're a nice decent guy you may feel obligated or pressured to buy her things. Those additional extras you have to buy for them add up. We are not cheap ( in some sense of the word). Flowers, movie tickets, dinners, birthday gifts, Christmas gift, late night fast food stops all come out of your pocket so we can feel "loved".
6.) After you play sports, you all shower together. That really sucks. You never know who might pee on you when you're not looking (ladies, this actually happens) or if someone is going to steal your towel or play some sort of sick prank on you especially if you are younger.
7.) You get a lot of "tough love", "be a man", and "own ups". Listen if you need a hug I'm here. Yeah a cold heart is good if you need to learn a lesson. But lots of love and kindness is WAY better in everyday life. So just be nice to the guys. Treat them like you would want to be treated. Let em cry...and eat cake. If they're an asshole to you well at least you were the better person!
8.) You're hairy. You grow hair everywhere. Yes we have to shave our legs a lot but we don't grow a jungle of hair on our faces ( most of us at least). We can cover up our cuts with a band-aid and a cute pair of jeans. If you tear a hole in your face mid-shave you have to put a little bit of toilet paper on it and pray you don't forget to take it off before you head out in public again. I'd suggest a full ski mask to cover your face or a hockey mask.. but you either look like a bank robber or an axe murderer. Pick your poison.
9.) This one I am stealing from one of the comedians we saw with Dane Cook. Delicious fruity alcoholic beverages are OFF LIMITS to you. How dare we deny the strawberry, pomegranate, slushie, orange infused, cherry drizzle, multi-colored booze ridden fishbowl from you. C'mon boys were going out for apple-tinis. Why? Because they taste like blow pops and fun dip.
10.) This one people is the big one. THE BIG ONE.
Boys, you gotta pop the FUCKING question. You have to pick out a ring for the woman of your dreams, pay lots of money for it, and then get down on one knee and ask her to spend the rest of her life with you. That is not easy. I don't blame you for taking your time to make such a life changing decision. I mean imagine..if the ring you picked out was HIDEOUS or you know..if she says no?
Peace, Love, and Hugs
A manly dose of Teen :0)
2.) You constantly have to deal with women bitching about how much harder it is to be a girl.
"Oh praise god HALLELUJAH to us we menstruate while multi-tasking!"
I think you should all respond, " Try having a boner in front of your entire world history class during your 30 minute long presentation." Now that is embarrassing.
3.) Infant girls start talking before you. This blows. Now you know why we never shut the eff up. We've been doing it longer. We've got a whole 1-2 months on you in that department and we produce more words as well. We are basically bitching at you before you can even respond to us. Don't worry as we turn into toddlers that gap closes a bit and you still make more than us in hourly wages.
4.) Gentleman prepare. I am going to talk about your man parts.
Circumcision: If you're snipped or not..I feel for ya.
If you're snipped then we know that right around the time you were born someone cut skin off of your most sensitive region. Granted you're to young to remember but seriously, that has to be extremely painful as a young new born baby all helpless and trusting of your new parents...then they snip a piece of your weenie off! Not to mention the use of an anesthetic was not common until recently! Not to mention the bleeding and chance of infection after circumcision. I wouldn't develop talking skills until later in my life either if someone did that to me.
If you're not snipped then you have to worry about cleaning all the time. You are more prone to infection, UTI's, and tearing! This really blows. Having dad or mom teach you how to clean your special area is never a cool conversation and this just brings an extra step into the mix. No one wants to remind their son to clean their foreskin. As if you haven't been through enough there is the chance that you could tear! OUCH. (I'll let you guys decide how that could possibly happen but I mean yaaaaa know)
Okay enough about that.
5.) When you have a lady friend in your life ( if you're ever so blessed) and you're a nice decent guy you may feel obligated or pressured to buy her things. Those additional extras you have to buy for them add up. We are not cheap ( in some sense of the word). Flowers, movie tickets, dinners, birthday gifts, Christmas gift, late night fast food stops all come out of your pocket so we can feel "loved".
6.) After you play sports, you all shower together. That really sucks. You never know who might pee on you when you're not looking (ladies, this actually happens) or if someone is going to steal your towel or play some sort of sick prank on you especially if you are younger.
7.) You get a lot of "tough love", "be a man", and "own ups". Listen if you need a hug I'm here. Yeah a cold heart is good if you need to learn a lesson. But lots of love and kindness is WAY better in everyday life. So just be nice to the guys. Treat them like you would want to be treated. Let em cry...and eat cake. If they're an asshole to you well at least you were the better person!
8.) You're hairy. You grow hair everywhere. Yes we have to shave our legs a lot but we don't grow a jungle of hair on our faces ( most of us at least). We can cover up our cuts with a band-aid and a cute pair of jeans. If you tear a hole in your face mid-shave you have to put a little bit of toilet paper on it and pray you don't forget to take it off before you head out in public again. I'd suggest a full ski mask to cover your face or a hockey mask.. but you either look like a bank robber or an axe murderer. Pick your poison.
9.) This one I am stealing from one of the comedians we saw with Dane Cook. Delicious fruity alcoholic beverages are OFF LIMITS to you. How dare we deny the strawberry, pomegranate, slushie, orange infused, cherry drizzle, multi-colored booze ridden fishbowl from you. C'mon boys were going out for apple-tinis. Why? Because they taste like blow pops and fun dip.
10.) This one people is the big one. THE BIG ONE.
Peace, Love, and Hugs
A manly dose of Teen :0)
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Quote me
Maybe your first love is the one that sticks with you because it's the only person who will ever receive all of you. After that, you learn better. But, most of all, no matter what, a piece of you forever remains left behind in the heart of the one you loved - a piece no future lover could ever get, no mater what. That piece holds innocence - the belief that love really can last forever. It holds friendship and pain, trial and error, that one kiss you’ll never forget and that night under the stars you can never get back. It holds youth and everything you thought love would be. Everything that was proven wrong.
The Two Item Condom
Just a little embarrassing story for y'all this morning,
Back in the day when going to the mall was cool and you hung out in the food court and dream machine all day with a giant posse of of girls or maybe boys depending on your gender. You bought cheap earings that would make your ears swell and a plain t shirt that said "American Eagle" or "Weathervane" on it. ( Hey originality is rare in middle school my friends.)
Anyways after buying some really cheap shitty stuff or maybe a new cd by 50 cent cause he was actually cool then too.You would venture into the food court with your clan of hungry followers. My two favorite places to go were obviously Sarku ( the Japanese chicken is SO TASTY) and Panda Express ( the orange chicken is to DIE FOR!) Literally it's probably not even real chicken and it will inevitably clog my arteries and kill me.
So anyways I'm in line with three of my lovely friends sporting a fury kongol immitation hat ( or some sort of strange head piece) About 11-13 years of age ( I'm not quite sure now that I am so old and wise) I have my tray and I'm excited. Anxiously awaiting for the 15 year old pimply Asian boy to take my order cause I'm stahhhhvin.
Well he finally gets to me when I'm mid convo with my pal Molly O and
he asks " What would you like today"
Surprised and excited, I yell, "I'll have the two item condom.."..
Shock, horror and embarassment dance all over my face as I grasp for the right words, "... I mean condom..."..."condom, condom, condom!" I exclaim.
Suddenly a perfectly literate person has developed a stutter claiming for latex sexual protection in the Panda Express line.
Molly chimes in mid giggle and horrification of my exclamation of wanting two item condoms in front of a massive line of people , " combo please" and we move on.
Thank god that wasn't humiliating or anything, my goodness.
A little dose of embarassment for you!
But in all seriousness kids WEAR CONDOMS (Elton John is an advocate therefore I am)
-Teen
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Morning Thoughts
Putting toothpaste on my pimples is probably not a good idea, my face smells minty..but so do my sheets. ( yeah I just admitted to having pimples.)
If I don't get my oil changed soon, the check engine light may just start talking to me or you know the engine might just fall out
Why does the stupid glass company next door feel the need to shatter window panes at 8am?
A body pillow isn't enough, it's time to hire a professional snuggler to spend the night with me. Does anyone know a good one?
Taking applications now, must enjoy criminal minds and not mind snoring..also willing to spoon at request.
I could really go for some eggs benny over brioche toast with a side of crunchy home fries..
Owls are majestic.
If I don't get my oil changed soon, the check engine light may just start talking to me or you know the engine might just fall out
Why does the stupid glass company next door feel the need to shatter window panes at 8am?
A body pillow isn't enough, it's time to hire a professional snuggler to spend the night with me. Does anyone know a good one?
Taking applications now, must enjoy criminal minds and not mind snoring..also willing to spoon at request.
I could really go for some eggs benny over brioche toast with a side of crunchy home fries..
Owls are majestic.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Stupid things I've done LATELY
Notice this is titled lately. I know there are way more entirely dumb things I've done in all 20 clumsy, disaster ridden, funky years of my life.
1.) Mistake the shower curtain for being similar to clothing garments.
Putting it in the washing machine (Hey, it felt like cotton!) and then...putting it in the dryer.. Needless to say what was formarly a curtain is now a small square. I hung it up anyways.
2.) Purchased a quiche from a store
Most people are like, " Huh How is that a mistake?" well I make my own quiche and I was just feeling lazy and wanted something warm and hearty for breakfast for the week. One bite into this quiche I realize it doesn't compare to my cheesy, eggy (spellcheck tells me this isn't a word, I beg to disagree), vegetable filled pie encrusted heaven.
3.) Having some really crazy dreams ( Now I'm not sure if this is in my control, but I think they deserve to be mentioned)
In a week long span I managed to have two celebrity dreams. Now normally I would have been hoping for Shia LaBeouf or Chase Crawford but nooo. I got ADAM SANDLER and Zach from Saved by the Bell. It's really stupid for me not to dream about the appropriate men. Anyways Adam Sandler was boring and just wanted to cuddle while Mark Paul Gosslin might have been my step brother at a weird farm-orphanage I was stuck at. SWEET DREAMS.
4.) Ordered a tomato, spinach, mozzarella pizza when I really wanted a BBQ chicken with caramelized onions. STUPID. New life rule: One should not be healthy when eating pizza as the people next to you will taunt you with their aromatic greasy, meaty pizza.
5.) Parked 3 blocks away from the Civic Center when it's down pouring and freezing. Enough said.
6.) Been convinced I was getting free airline tickets and signed up to receive free trials of makeup and body care products. Now the bastards are trying to charge me $80 bucks a month. This is probably my most epic of dumb decisions. I really wanted some free airline tickets! Not an expensive scam...
7.) Turned into one of those crazy ex-girlfriends.
Listen, I'm not proud but I am here to teach. If by my insanely idiotic behavior a person can learn not to put their shower curtain in the dryer or order the proper pizza when extremely ravenous I consider this blog a success.
Anyways, I started doing all those things I really don't give two shits about like being obsessed over other girls talking to him or being ultra clingy. LISTEN DO NOT DO THIS. First of all because its annoying ( I was literally annoying the shit out of myself) and two this is not going to magically win your ex back. I am not a clingy person. In fact I am the opposite of clingy. I don't care if you do not want to see a crappy chick flick with me, you do not need to spend every waking hour of your day with me either, and I do not need you to wait outside the bathroom for me. It's just unnecessary. But someone breaks up with you and you just go a little nutzo. ( Granted I did the breaking up so I put myself in this situation, all my fault I know) I inflict my own pain. Another stupid decision I've made. But gosh it's not rocket science to be a normal human being and civil during a breakup. Also it is probably not a good idea to continue talking to this person post breakup. Yes it's hard, yes you love them, yes you do not know any different. But you just end up hurting each other. Both of you basically just want to beat the crap out of one another for not making the relationship work the way you both thought it magically would and you continue to punish one another for no reason other than you just can't get over the idea of failing at something that was once so amazing. Then one of you asks if you slept with an oompa loompa on Halloween and you counter by hacking their email. Listen again, NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF HERE. Well you know you're crazy but you just couldn't stop. This next piece of information is vital. Apologize. Leave them alone and do some yoga or kick boxing. Find a new hobby and go to town. The best thing is to continue living your life as normally as possible. Acting out or doing stupid things isn't going to make anything better. Soon enough it won't hurt so bad and after some time things will start to look up. If not well there's always wine and your girlfriends.
Yours Truly,
A giant dose of Teen
1.) Mistake the shower curtain for being similar to clothing garments.
Putting it in the washing machine (Hey, it felt like cotton!) and then...putting it in the dryer.. Needless to say what was formarly a curtain is now a small square. I hung it up anyways.
2.) Purchased a quiche from a store
Most people are like, " Huh How is that a mistake?" well I make my own quiche and I was just feeling lazy and wanted something warm and hearty for breakfast for the week. One bite into this quiche I realize it doesn't compare to my cheesy, eggy (spellcheck tells me this isn't a word, I beg to disagree), vegetable filled pie encrusted heaven.
3.) Having some really crazy dreams ( Now I'm not sure if this is in my control, but I think they deserve to be mentioned)
In a week long span I managed to have two celebrity dreams. Now normally I would have been hoping for Shia LaBeouf or Chase Crawford but nooo. I got ADAM SANDLER and Zach from Saved by the Bell. It's really stupid for me not to dream about the appropriate men. Anyways Adam Sandler was boring and just wanted to cuddle while Mark Paul Gosslin might have been my step brother at a weird farm-orphanage I was stuck at. SWEET DREAMS.
4.) Ordered a tomato, spinach, mozzarella pizza when I really wanted a BBQ chicken with caramelized onions. STUPID. New life rule: One should not be healthy when eating pizza as the people next to you will taunt you with their aromatic greasy, meaty pizza.
5.) Parked 3 blocks away from the Civic Center when it's down pouring and freezing. Enough said.
6.) Been convinced I was getting free airline tickets and signed up to receive free trials of makeup and body care products. Now the bastards are trying to charge me $80 bucks a month. This is probably my most epic of dumb decisions. I really wanted some free airline tickets! Not an expensive scam...
7.) Turned into one of those crazy ex-girlfriends.
Listen, I'm not proud but I am here to teach. If by my insanely idiotic behavior a person can learn not to put their shower curtain in the dryer or order the proper pizza when extremely ravenous I consider this blog a success.
Anyways, I started doing all those things I really don't give two shits about like being obsessed over other girls talking to him or being ultra clingy. LISTEN DO NOT DO THIS. First of all because its annoying ( I was literally annoying the shit out of myself) and two this is not going to magically win your ex back. I am not a clingy person. In fact I am the opposite of clingy. I don't care if you do not want to see a crappy chick flick with me, you do not need to spend every waking hour of your day with me either, and I do not need you to wait outside the bathroom for me. It's just unnecessary. But someone breaks up with you and you just go a little nutzo. ( Granted I did the breaking up so I put myself in this situation, all my fault I know) I inflict my own pain. Another stupid decision I've made. But gosh it's not rocket science to be a normal human being and civil during a breakup. Also it is probably not a good idea to continue talking to this person post breakup. Yes it's hard, yes you love them, yes you do not know any different. But you just end up hurting each other. Both of you basically just want to beat the crap out of one another for not making the relationship work the way you both thought it magically would and you continue to punish one another for no reason other than you just can't get over the idea of failing at something that was once so amazing. Then one of you asks if you slept with an oompa loompa on Halloween and you counter by hacking their email. Listen again, NOTHING TO BE PROUD OF HERE. Well you know you're crazy but you just couldn't stop. This next piece of information is vital. Apologize. Leave them alone and do some yoga or kick boxing. Find a new hobby and go to town. The best thing is to continue living your life as normally as possible. Acting out or doing stupid things isn't going to make anything better. Soon enough it won't hurt so bad and after some time things will start to look up. If not well there's always wine and your girlfriends.
Yours Truly,
A giant dose of Teen
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