If you do something ridiculous...I will blog about you

For those of you who play a part in my day to day life it is no secret to you that most of my blogs are inspired by :

A. The outlandish and overwhelmingly ridiculous things that happen in my life
B. The equally as insane and mouth-gaping wide open in astonishment occurrences in my friends lives. (My friends now call me to challenge my horror stories with their own..which is great because misery abso-FUCKING-lutely loves company.
C. Or something incredibly random that pops into my head while I am blaring Beyonce "Best I never Had" and singing with my Starbucks coffee up as my microphone only to look over and see the man in the 18 wheeler pointing at me while laughing hysterically. Glad I could make your day sir. I perform every Monday and Wednesday at 9:30am and 2pm from the Portsmouth to Dover exits in New Hampshire. Next weeks performance will include Kelly Clarkson's "Stronger", please don't judge me when I miss those high notes...I'm a blogger not a professional singer..despite the fact I practiced in my bedroom with my hairbrush in my underwear all week.


So here is an A story:
Everywhere I go something weird happens. A normal day in my life doesn't exist.

A couple of my friends and I toured the Redhook Brewery yesterday. I found myself at the bar (woah BIG surprise there) as we had an hour wait before the tour and I needed to drink to make that hour of being around food that I couldn't eat a bit more bearable.

I am salivating at the thought of this wondrous confection.

The tour eventually began and I could barely listen to all the information about hops, pulping the beer, something about fermentation, and the difference between a lager and an ale.  I just wanted some more beer. Then he started talking about JELLY BEANS which immediately caught my attention. There is only one kind of jelly bean I like  which is funny, because I mentioned it in How to Not be an Asshole just that day. It is the super tasty-licious buttered popcorn flavored jelly bean.

Apparently most people in the world find this jelly bean to be horrendously disgusting! Something about some chemical that doesn't flow right with your palate. HEY WAIT! This man just insulted my palate!

While my choices in men are NOT EXACTLY STUPENDOUS..and my friends taunt me about this on a daily basis my palate IS COMPLETELY FINE. I am a GREAT judge of delicious cuisine, you barbaric periodic table loving tour guide man!  Anyway I proceed to stand up for my favorite sugared bean and then ask him where his favorite bar is. I mean, I've been drinking a little, maybe a high school chemistry teacher is JUST what I need in my life. I go on to make some innapropriate jokes about Nut Brown Ale, take my souvenir tasting glass home with me, eat a steak burrito, take a nap, and get back up to go to the bars.

Of course some guys walk in...and I look at my friend, "Oh he's kind of hot!"..."Teen, they were on the Redhook tour with us today" ..."Really..maybe that's why he looked familiar" I am terrible with names/faces/caring about any man in general so it wasn't a big surprise I didn't remember them. Eventually we walk by them at the bar and one of them grabs me and begins screaming, "REDHOOK OMG IT'S REDHOOOOOOOOOOK!...GUYS, LETS DO SHOTS, REDHOOOOOOK YOU ARE BADASS!!!"

I am a celebrity!!!!! At a seedy college bar with some drunk fuck offering to buy me drinks. I would have been REALLY excited if I wasn't stone cold sober and FILLED to the tippy top of my tummy with digesting burrito-goodness.....or if I gave a flying rooster about drunk guys at the bar trying to get some.

Any who he proceeded to buy three rounds of shots in which I politely declined...and he still bought. He is incredibly friendly too. By "friendly" I mean he keeps showing me how everyone keeps bumping into him at the bar by rubbing his hands up my crotch and ass only to stop at my boobs. Yes, I am sure that 6' 5" 250lb football player just molested your junk and pinched your bum. Why stop at just before my boobs, you've already sexually harassed me 3 times...clearly there are no boundaries, just go for the whole she-bang buddy, this is the most attention I've had in weeks.

Tom also lets me stick my finger in his mouth.

Then my friend gets the bright idea to suggest that I am not drinking because I am afraid of being roofied. To ease my "fears" before I even know what is happening Glen (yes that was his name) decides to grab my face, tilt my head back open my mouth with his fingers and attempt to pour his "roofied" drink into my mouth. I AM NOT KIDDING. I was literally in shock. No one has ever tried to stick their hands in my mouth at a bar before. (Well besides Tom but he has earned that privilege by letting me crawl into his bed pants-less at 6am when I'm sad, lost, wearing a tiara, and hungover. ) He then went on to continue to grope me, tell me he loved me profusely, attempt to throw his gum in a cup, struggle to get off a bar stool, and before I left for the night I received a marriage proposal and an attempt to make out with me...which I cleverly dodged by swirling my head into his chest like a fighting bull.

Why do I need a boyfriend when I can go to the bar and be drunkenly harassed by strangers. Seriously, it's just the greatest.

But in all honesty is there some sort of sign on my forehead that beckons these men to me? What the hell am I doing wrong here? SOMEONE send reinforcements! Everyone wonders why I prefer to sit on my couch in my sweatpants with a bottle of wine and Greys Anatomy.

I can't imagine why no one normal ever finds me...

Lots of excitement and happiness per usual,

Teen

How To Not Be an Asshole

To all the women of the world this is a no brainer. To all the men in the world we just can't seem to comprehend why these SIMPLE rules seem to be so INCREDIBLY hard for you to follow. An incredibly wise and wordly women once said, "Surprised by men, never, further convinced of their stupidity...yes." I don't know why I continue to try to help you guys when all you seem to do is ditch us at bars, fill us up with meaningless bullshit, or sleep with our friends. But HEY I am a nice person and I believe that education is the key to change. Despite the fact that the more things change the more they stay the same.

Here to teach all you dumbasses a valuable lesson.

1. Tell the Fucking Truth: If you master this one, I just might have to marry you. For the sake of that fact that you will be the only honest man on the planet.

Let me make this clear. Stop lying. There is no need to tell us you're hanging out with your best friend when you are really out to dinner with your ex girlfriend. Why? Because we probably already know. Do not ever underestimate women's ability to find shit out. I can't really describe how I know when something is wrong but it's literally this SPIDEY SENSE that goes off in my body. Some of you non-comic book freaks might like to call it "female intuition" whatever it is we have it. A guy will say something to you and the receptors in your brain go off saying, "That is the purest form of absolute horseshit I have ever heard."

      In any situation honesty is the best policy. You win points for being straightforward. If some girl tried to makeout with you last night at a party chances are one of our friends was there and they saw. You bet she's texting me that night to let me know. So gents you better be ready for us to test you. Be ready the next morning to inform us of that dirty rotten home-wrecking skank who tried to publicly grope you.
     Perhaps you are no longer romantically interested in us. Hey that's fine. I know I'm awesome and amazing but if you no longer see that I will survive And by survive I mean tell everyone you have herpes and hookup with all your friends or even more depressing sit on the couch eating one Hershey's kiss after another while drinking wine out of the bottle with my best friend (Kidding...sort of). But anyway, just give us a friendly little heads up. If the girl goes nutzo then NO WONDER you aren't interested and thank goodness you told her...if not..you now have a friend who will tell other girls that you are an honest decent guy. SO get this....she is now HELPING you get girls by spreading this message. WIN WIN!



2. Say something nice once in a while: Women are like plants. We must be watered and adored about once/twice a week. Tell us you like our shoes, our smile, the interesting things we say (who knew women had something to say!) our super sexy lacy underwear (I'M NOT WEARING THAT SHIT FOR MYSELF OKAY?!). A little attention will go a long way but it must be continual, because the first five times we're going to be flattered and not believe you. Why, because men enjoy filling women up with bullshit.

Let's practice: "I really admire how hard you work, you're an incredibly smart, talented, and strong individual"    Gah,  I AM SWOONING ALREADY! Wait, no one said that to me...I just made that up...never mind. That's embarrassing.

Maybe something a little less intense: "Your smile is adorable" Cue heart melting. DAW!


3. A little EFFORT won't hurt: If you would like to spend some time with us then maybe you should. If when you are spending that time with us you are on the phone or ditch us at the bar to go hangout with all your friends then please don't bother. No we do not want to be babysat when we are around new people. We can hold our own conversations and SHOCKINGLY enjoy talking to people other than you on occasion. But don't pull a "now you see me now you don't" for an hour where were left sitting on the couch while your roommate hits the bong.

I have mastered the art of being the man in the relationship.

If you are romantically interested in us, feel free to affectionately touch us on and off too. A wink, the reassuring hand on the lower back,  messing with our hair (Hint: Some girls can't stand this...but if they are THAT worried about their hair then there are bigger issues) a from behind big ole bear hug, and fireman carrying us around are always GREAT ideas kiddos.

4. Somethin' Sweet: Remember what we like. Chocolate. Filet Mignon. Popcorn Jelly Beans, Ragefaces, Coors Light, Peace Signs, those stupid pandora charms, cherry chapstick, big t shirts. Remember the girls quirky likes...randomly gift them. It shows us you listen, you're putting in effort, and that you might not need to be on the 2012 list of Super Douchers. (Which I already have about 5 names for BTW...January hasn't even ended yet gentleman..STOP fucking with my friends)

5. Pretend to Care: If it's stupid like (my nail is broken, my life is over, you didn't text me GOODNIGHT last night, or "do you think you could be more like that dumb rich guy sleeping with 6 girls at once on The Bachelor who took Ashley P on that date to that gorgeous waterfall in Fiji with vintage Dom Perignon and gold dusted chocolate covered pretzels") Then please feel free to SPRINT rigorously in the other direction away from this "My life should be a fairytale and I am a PRINCESS" crazy bitch. But if our dog is dying, we just got a new job, we fell in a puddle, left our car window open in the rain, our best friend isn't speaking with us, and our favorite person to cuddle with is not around (Hey gents, this might be you). Then at least pretend to have some sympathy. We just want to know you hear us. "Wow, that sounds terrible, anything I can do to make it better?" We will tell you. And you should try to do whatever it is. Personally, I like sweatpants, my hello kitty blanket, a REALLY funny movie, and wine...with a side of man candy on zee couch. That may not be every women's preference though...so check with her.

This is lovely.

6. Use ya noggin: Ok, you know when you are about to do something stupid, immature, dumb, illegal, life threatening, dangerous etc? Take one moment and think,  "Is this going to make the other person in my life (or even my really good friend) mad, angry, upset, sad, cry, worried..." and then Re-evaluate. As women we worry about you guys. We have a general concern for your safety. Call it caring (I care for few, the rest I hope go bald at 25 and never get laid again in their life) but we don't like to see you guys get arrested, jump off the roof of the house into seemingly REALLY deep snow, or sleep with people you clearly shouldn't..ESPECIALLY when you're sleeping with us! End of story. If you choose to do these things anyway, be prepared for the consequences.

7. Invest in a watch: I'm a girl. I can always be late. I blame it on getting pretty for you. Why are you late? All you have to do is shower, put on clothes, and maybe a little hair gel (PLEASE NOT TOO MUCH!) Oh you were playing Call of Duty?! Manage your time appropriately. Look, in those 20 minutes I spent waiting...I could have been pinning on Pinterest. Girls participate in time consuming useless activities too.

8. Know how to apologize:  Oh, what a SURPRISE! You did something stooooopid. Now make up for it. We are going to ignore your first 3-10 calls (depending on how mad we are) and about your first 2-12 texts (again, depends on anger level) You might want to consider an apology Facebook message/email (that is the only way you can reach us now), offering to make us dinner, buying a bottle of our favorite alcohol (pinot grigio for me pwease), Lindt Chocolate, bring coffee to our work, or generally fawning over the greatness that is our existence. If you give up on trying to apologize to us we will also just assume you are an asshole and your lack of persistence only proves us right.

9. Do not tell us what to do: If I want to make you a sandwich I will. If I want to hangout with that person you don't like, yup I will. If I want to dye my hair blue and you despise it...it only makes me want to do it more. If you tell me not to wear converse, I will not hesitate to roundhouse you to the face with them on and permanently walk out of your life.

In fact I will make you more than a sandwich, I will make you and your friends a 3 course meal. But I will do that on my own time. If you demand things from us that is the surest way to not get what you want. If you ask nicely...then OF COURSE we would be happy to do something nice for you.  If you do not like that frilly, flowered, nana looking shirt we wear, say it nicely...we will oblige by not wearing it when you are around.
Additionally,
Do not tell us "Come here now" when we haven't heard from you all day and now that your six beers deep it has now occurred to you to contact us. It's just not gonna happen. We have our own life and our own incredibly busy schedule. Get your shit right.


Well boys, I hope this helps you to make some better choices in the realm of women. Learn from the men in mine and my friends lives mistakes. Let their poor decisions influence your next winning relationship (while it lasts...)

 Remember girls, listen to your SPIDEY SENSE.

XO Teen

Hooking Up: What the fuck does that even mean?

Lets tackle the ambiguities and lifelong conundrum of "hooking up". Does anyone even really know what the FUCK that means? Because I don't. Honestly...it ranges from making out casually at the frat party, that person you booty call at 2am on the weekends, to casual sleepovers on Monday nights with a side of a snuggle sesh.

Instead of trying to put "hooking up" into one category I thought I'd put them into several. Cause we all know there isn't just one type

See that girl on the left, she's lining up her 2am man.

The Bootycall Hookup: Oh admit it. We all have that person our nether regions begin to think about after one too many glasses/shots (or an entire bottle of wine/ SOCO if you have gonads) You pick up your cell phone....look around to see if anyone's watching you and then you commit the ultimate crime. You sext them. Something like "Whererss are yuo" or "whhklf" or "Let's bone", as you're texting this thoughtful remark, you legit think you are so CLEVER. Probably the tequilla making you think that because that is some incredibly unoriginal shit. Whatever, it works. You meet up after your night is over (heaven forbid if anyone actually see's you two together) and your out of each other's bed by 4am that morning. SEE YA LATAH SUNSHINE, thanks for the ride.

The "I'm really bored so I guess I'll hangout with you" Hookup: This persons probably pretty cool but they aren't your first choice for a hookup (see the last "hookup" category). You normally end up hanging out with them when all of your friends are busy and your first, second, third choices for hookups fell through. Every time you invite them over you struggle to not text someone else, find yourself making grocery lists in your head, and trying to do things to piss them off so they think your a asshole and never want to hangout again. That's obviously the best thing to do because actually telling someone you aren't interested in them is incredibly immature and never okay.

I'm so glad we can be friends in bed and in the water!

The Friendly Hookup: This one is kinda cool. You can interact with their friends, family, and them on a super friendly, non-awkward that we did the sexual tango together, basis. You hangout in sexual and non-sexual situations. You can talk like your dating or like your best friends. Singing Nsync in the car in the Burger King line is totally acceptable and you could care less if they hookup with someone else. You two have a mutual understanding that every once and a while your gonna need a little rendez-vous. They provide the perfect amount of lovin', compliments, and hilarity. Could it get any better? Probs not. Keep it real. Enjoy.


The Going Nowhere Hookup: Every time it happens you literally think, "Why did I do that" or "Why do we keep doing this." You both know it's never going to work. You two are entire opposites, you don't understand each other, and it's never even that satisfying. Kind of like eating a bag of lays potato chips. You're full but not really satified. Read my blog "Hookups in Retrospect" for further insight on that weird feeling you get after an unfulfilling one nighter.


The "Why the hell did I think that was a good idea" Hookup: This one is funny, you wakeup the next morning (in an alcohol induced fog) look over and literally have to cover your mouth as you roll your eyes and an accidental laugh/grunt erupts from you. You have a nice little conversation in your head about how to best get this person out of your bed. "Should I fake sick?" "Do I pretend I have to go to work" "Do I continue to sleep and hope they get up and leave REALLY soon" "Should I fart?" "Maybe if I breath really heavily on them with my gross morning breath they will get the hint and go away."
 Oh well, however way you get rid of them it still makes for a pretty decent story and you know your friends will enjoy laughing at all of your sexcapades.

Let's toast to GOOD decisions.

The Hookup that just might lead into a relation(shit): For the record this is dumb. Anybody who thinks feelings are cool can just get the fuck out. You do all the lovely courting stuff like holding your metatarsals together even when one of you has chronic sweaty palms, staring longingly into one another's eyes...

SIDENOTE: I have no idea how people do this. If someone looks at me for any period of time longer than three seconds I get super concerned that there is a big booger hanging out of my nose or I have peanutbutter on my face. Or I do something like make a monkey face or wink (un-seductively). I guess that's what caring is, being able to stare at someone without having to worry if there's a bunch of bullshit hanging off yo mug. Sorry I'm too emotionally stunted for that.

 anyway...

and cracking lots of inside jokes that no one else understand or really even gives a shit about. There's this super charged and emotional royal rumble style (also if they've never played Sega Genesis Royal Rumble then they're too young for you bro) first kiss and you think of them not just when you are horny & boozin' but they put a smile on your face in the morning when you wake up (GAG) and you do super "ADORABLE" things to make all your facebook friends jealous like go out to eat at fancy restaurants, pick obscene amounts of apples that are just going to go moldy and die, or pose in front of really picturesque scenery while you too look all "Hallmark Card" perfect. Don't even get me started on the "kiss pics". I'm sorry, I don't care if you kiss your "almost" boyfriend. THAT'S WHAT PEOPLE DO. You look like that little dog that keeps peeing on the fire hydrant to show that it's hers. I can guarantee you 3 other girls are probably peeing on it too. How's that for honesty? How do you feel about your "kiss pic" now honey?

Oopsies, that was a LITTLE tangent. This sort of progesses in the previous blog of "How to date" so just read that cause I'm sick of talking about relationshits. It ends with you two becoming facebook official and the entire world hating you for your happiness. How does that sound?

Let me leave you with a little inspirational quote to remind you of your ever lasting love...

"You've got to accept the fact that life isn't a fairy tale, things aren't always happily ever after. Things like magic wishes, Prince Charmings and true love don't happen in real life. Magic wishes come from money, Prince Charming's a shallow idiot with a bad haircut and overpriced clothes. And true love? Ha, true love is one-sided, Ace. You love her, she loves someone else. She loves you, you love someone else. Never quite works out does it? So you end up with some actor pretending to be your true love. Real considerate of someone to let you know reality was like that before being thrown into it. 'If you wish, it'll happen.' Well, wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which one fills up faster. Welcome to reality. Enjoy your stay."

Oh I forgot to mention something, in all of these there is not discussion of what you're doing. So each of you is left in this deranged crazy limbo where one of your probably cares more than the other. The fact that your "pseudo" relationship hasn't been discussed leaves you open to hookup with other people without actually feeling bad because you never really talked about exclusivity. You don't have to feel guilty if you don't call them every day, you're not obligated to spend money on them, and you certainly never have to tell them what you are doing. Think about it. That's kinda nice...not having someone up your ass all the time leaves a lot more time for the important things like drinking, reading a book, or doing something infinitely more interesting than trying to be in a relationshit.

Enjoy your lives folks. And remember, there is one single person you thought of for EVERY single one of these categories. Use your people wisely.


Lots of anger and hatred,
Teen

A Big Heartfelt Birthday Thank You

I am going to regret being nice...I just know it.


Those of you who know me understand that I have a hard time expressing my emotions. Well not anger, hatred, and surly behavior but the nice ones. In the spirit of my birthday I wanted to take a moment out of my evil thoughts to thank everyone who helped to make my birthday (fake birthday and real) a super happy go lucky, dance in my tiara, fall to the pavement, eat lots of red velvet cake, drink galore, super-exciting and overwhelmingly amazing experience.

That's me..making a heart with my hands...or trying at least.

This past year was insanely difficult for me. I experienced heartbreak (you all wonder what made me so terribly pissed off at men), mentally and physically demanding college courses, loss of a family member as well as a friend, a demanding work schedule, and some incredibly shitty hangovers...

(In which I actually prayed to God ((any and all religious figures actually)) that if they were to just end my hangover that INSTANT I would forever be a devout follower of them and NEVER take another sip of the pukey punch of booze again) Don't act like you haven't done that either. You're all guilty.

Anyway, for a while there I was REALLY freakin' lost. Why do shitty things keep happening? What is wrong with this world? Will I ever get a chance to come up for air? I felt like I was constantly being smacked in the back of the head and tackled into the water by ginormous waves. Sometimes it's hard to admit too. I was stubborn. I didn't want to admit that I was literally barely making it up for air.

I think I was somewhere about 2/3 of a way down a skinny girl margarita this August when I felt another wave coming. If any of you know me I'm not really the type of person who lets the ocean of life consume her. I'm a little to busy kicking it right smack in the balls with my stilettos. So guess what!? I decided to finally fight back. Which, I am going to encourage anybody who might find themselves in this position to do. Stand up, look that fucking wave right in the eye and don't let it take you down. Smile at the wave, make friends with those next to you being beaten by the ocean as well. Lean on some shoulders for support, kiss a couple of fishies that happen to philander on by, hell hop on a boat and laugh in the face of the wave.

Shitty things happen to everyone. Life's a bitch, be a bigger, better, stronger one.

Once I started to do this it became a lot more clear to me that the amazing people, opportunities, and education I have been given out-weighed these incredibly crazy and unkind things that kept happening.

That even if bad things continue to happen I had this lovely little support system of people. People who make me laugh, who snuggle like champions, who pour me another glass of wine, who hug like they mean it, who appreciate a good Bruins win, who do things without asking for anything in return, who can carry on a conversation of purely sexual innuendos, those who work hard for the things they have and appreciate them as well. Those people... family and friends really helped me to beat the living daylight out of those infuriating waves.

Ugh, kicking ass is SO exhausting.

So thank you...to everyone. SERIOUSLY. After I write this I am going to completely black it out and claim I never said any of this.


Special thanks go out to my mom (WENDEL), dad (cupcake), my brother, sister-in-law, Little Rocco, Stephanie Masters, Molly O'Brion, Tom Biskup, Chelsea Leishman, Emily Ballard, Anna Lyke, Aaron Harvey, and every guy I've kissed since...July (wait, boys kiss bitter, evil bitches)?!


Lots of Love (just this once),
Teen

Why I hate Women {Part 2}

 Why women drive me crazy....and  why sometimes I even piss myself off.

6. You think your happiness relies on someone else: Girls this is really aggravating. Let me repeat that each and every day you choose to let someone else affect your normally kind demeanor or to remove that smile from your face you yourself are making that conscious decision. Now it's okay to be sad. If my tears weren't made of stone then I would cry every once and a while too. It is okay to cry but don't be miserable. I may hate the world and men but I still smile and enjoy life...A LOT...with wine...and red lipstick. If the bitter bitch can do it YOU can. So don't let poopy people make you less of ...ya know...you.

7. We are messier than men: Dear god we shed like crazy. Why is our makeup always spattered all over the sink? Those black lines on the mirror, yup that's where I missed my eyeball and mascaraed the mirror...sorry bout that. Our shit is ALWAYS everywhere. We have more shoes, accessories, tank tops, sweats, pashminas, socks, undies, perfumes, tampons, coupons, pieces of chocolate scattered throughout our bedrooms than a department store. I wish I was a guy. It would be so much easier to function not having nine different types of lip balm to organize and searching around my house for my favorite sweatshirt that I stole from my best friend 3 years ago.

8. Over-thinking: Example- A guy tells you he likes your watch. "Wait, does that secretly mean he likes me?...Is 'I like your watch' some secret code for, "I find you irresistible and amazingly awesome because your choice in accessories is beyond skillful...Does he mean he likes my watch but he hates me? And if he hates me he must find me hideously ugly. Therefore because he likes my watch, I am ugly...WHAT A PENIS HEAD"

What does 'see you later' mean...I mean...how later is later!?

Okay, so I may have gotten a bit carried away. When girls say things there is a deeper meaning. Ladies, when gentleman say things...they mean EXACTLY what they say. So when they tell you that dress looks awful they mean it. But it doesn't mean you're awful and you have to cry, it just means you have bad taste...no just kidding...it just means you look bad in that dress. Hell, I can't wear yellow. No need to storm off and get mad at him. If he calls you gorgeous then he fucking means it. Don't look for the deeper meaning. There isn't one...men don't think. Period.

9. Stage 5 Clingers: Oh wow, you know that girl who you had a once night stand with who just won't leave you alone? She seems really cool at first but then about two days later she's telling you she can't wait to get serious and gives you a key to her apartment? You made the mistake of telling her where you live so now she's showing up all the time bringing you cookies..and yeah the cookies are delicious but she won't stop looking through your phone or searching your sheets for hair follicles of other women. She sends obsessive smileys via text and always wants to know where you are. When you don't talk to her for three hours she literally calls you and leaves you the most frightening voice-mail you've ever heard. When did her voice turn into that scary man from Star Wars? How does she know when all of your classes end and mysteriously show up at EVERY party you go to!? That'll teach ya to sleep around gentleman. Either you're going to get a an STD or a stage 5 clinger. At least an STD can't talk.

10. Taking away sex as punishment: Now ladies, you think we could come up with something that doesn't impede on our wants and needs as well. But apparently the only way to get through a man's thick skull is to deny him your vagina. That is how they REALLY know you are angry with them or the "I'm fine/Whatever" combo...but honestly the only way to get flowers, an apology, and a really nice dinner is to not let them touch you. So basically, I dislike men for leaving us with this only option.

Oh you think this smile means I'm going to sleep with you later, dumbass.

11. We never say what we want: Well we say it put in the most passive aggressive, least likely way that makes us feel as though we didn't really say it. And in turn no one has any clue what we are talking about. "Would you like a sandwich?"..."Well I mean maybe, if you really don't mind, I might want to....ehhh no...welll noooo okay....that sounds good....in about 12 minutes." I'm sorry WHAT!
"How do you feel about me"..."Ehhh, well I mean I kind of sort of think your alright but not that great and only if you may or may not feel that kind of way too." Why is it so HARD to say "yes, I am hungry I would like a sandwich please" or "You know what, I think you're pretty great lets get intimate so I can get mad at you a week later and no longer sleep with you."

Women are crazy. Someone please help us.


No love here.

Teen

Why I hate women {Sober Blogging Part 1 }

Well since I let my anger and aggression loose on the MEN a few weeks ago...

**Thank sweet baby Jesus that is all gone and I no longer want to throw you all into the ocean like Rose does to Jack in Titanic...what a HEARTLESS bitch she was...especially the part where she threw the super expensive blue diamond in the ocean...ARE YOU INSANE LADY!?

I'll never let go, my ass Rose!

I thought I would appease one of my angry commenters (He/She seemed to be quite observant that I am incredibly bitter..did we NOT already establish that from EACH and every one of my blogs?) But anywho, I wanted to be FAIR...despite the fact that LIFE truly isn't and no one can seem to get a grip on that teeny tiny little fact.

So here it is...why my own gender drives me bat shit crazy...and guess what I will even admit that I am guilty of a lot of this shit too...cause you see unlike most men as a women I don't mind admitting when I am wrong.




1. We never SHUT the eff UP- No seriously. This blog can totally attest to that. I ramble on and on about my own biased opinions. Really, what do we always have to talk about? Most of the time it's nothing. Some of my conversations with my girlfriends consist of " SERIOUSLY? WHAT IS HIS DEAL?".."That is SO retarded..."..."More wine?".."Wait, did that JUST happen." We don't really make much sense. Throw in a few "It's whatevers".."Totes".. "Defs" and you've summed up about 5 of my last conversations with women. We are SO intellectual sometimes.

2. We get mad about stupid shit- I hate it when men leave the toilet seat up. That royally ticks me off and yes I know it is so small and so stupid! When men do not understand the laws of text messaging yup, that's annoying too. When you eat my super long curly fry I was saving for my last bite...that happened 9 years ago and if you bring it up today I will turn red with fury. When you check out another girl even though were the one you take home every night (to be honest, I don't care about this..but A LOT of girls do), when you think 'k' is an appropriate response to our well thought messages, when you forget to pick something up at the store we could have just as easily picked up that day, when you don't understand the underlying meaning to every word, look, and emotion we express. GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE!

3.We blame all men for one man's poor decisions- That saying, "Hell hath no fury like a women scorned" is so true. One man's dumb decision to cheat on us, tell us they think we have an eating problem (no lie this actually happened to me), completely stop talking to us after sex, inviting us out for drinks with your ex-girlfriend, throw us off a porch, push us in the street on our birthday, scream unkind names at us, sleep with our best friend, lie about where you are...need I go on?

Anyway, it sucks for your 5% of 'nice' guys out there. Speaking of...where the FUCK are you? You really do not reap the benefit of the doubt in any of these situations. I kind of feel bad...oh wait, I don't have feelings. No I don't.

epic.

4. So many of you can't cook- How do you expect to find a gentleman caller if you can't make Pot Roast!? Why would any man want to marry you if you can't feed him! He is the hunter and you are the gatherer. So gather your cookbooks and your ingredients and get in the kitchen. Learn how to properly cook chicken three different ways, experiment with different vegetables, throw some alcohol into your cooking (it makes everything better)! Just get to work ladies. This isn't just about men either (though they probably think it is) being able to make something from scratch is a skill. Being able to feed yourself without depending on processed junk should be a necessary requirement for everyone.

5. You squeeze yourselves into super small itty bitty outfits and freeze your ass off in hopes you will find someone to love you- Freshman year of college I was completely guilty of this. I remember freezing my ass off on Halloween in a teeny tiny elf costume while running up Main Street holding some random boys hand who was kind enough to give me his sweatshirt for the super chilly dash back to the dorm. And by kind enough I mean he wanted to get in my non-existant pants that evening. Anyway, showing all that skin and dying of frostbite doesn't make someone want to be with you mentally and emotionally. Just physically. So keep that in mind the next chilly winter evening when you are putting on your $5.00 forever 21 mini skirt and see-through lace belly shirt.

See everyone, even I am an idiot.

The best part is I am not done. There are 6 more lovely reasons as to why I dislike women. But I have a drinking date with my sister so that trumps finishing this blog.

Smell ya latah bitches.

How to Date: A helpful guide for ALL

As I sit here with swollen tonsils, 2 day unwashed hair, in my pajamas, with my blankey, underneath my covers charging on demand movies to my dad's account.. I feel the need to give out some wisdom and guidance to the people of the world. I sit here thinking who the fuck is my target audience? Is it the dating challenged, is the dim-witted men I hate on so much, is it the over-zealous/batshit crazy women, the boring married couples, those who are just 'hooking up"?
(By the way look for a blog on the mysteries and ambiguities of hooking up quite soon!)

Well lucky for everyone I truly believe it is ALL of you. I mean you might be hooking up with someone but that doesn't mean you can't go on a date with someone else! Cause obviously hooking up has no clear boundries or guidelines and no one is going to have a conversation about "the rules" of seemingly random fondling. Right? Good, ok!

So I the self-proclaimed relationship expert (STOP LAUGHING) I am going to take a 'whack' at it. Despite the fact I just want to take a 'whack' at most men's heads. BOTH of them. Think about it.

Step One: You meet someone you are interested in...Don't just think "Oh wow, that person is awesome, I'd like to touch them innapropriately or you know consume food with them in a date-like setting" to yourself. APPROACH THEM. Find some clever way to get their number! Woo them with your awesomeness.

 Not so Clever Tricks- 
"Wait, why don't you have my number!?" ((grabs phone and enters))

"Oh my god, I love football! (No I don't...) my friends and I watch the game at "INSERT BAR NAME HERE" all the time.. you should come sometime...here's my number!"

Or just pull a me and get drunk and put your number in their phone and walk away.

The super shy like to send a Facebook message... (This is good because if the person doesn't respond you are not openly shut-down and your ego suffers the least amount of bruising.)


Step Two: This one is a little difficult for men to grasp. Unless the girl is a total skank-a-mangus you HAVE to commuicate a little. This for me is the real tester. Not too may men can keep up a conversation with me. I really dislike boring. If you want to talk about the weather or your new ipad that's fucking great but find someone else who cares. My conversations are littered with over-whelming amounts of sarcasm, quoting Will Ferrell movies, sexual inuendos, and my clumsy escapades. This isn't for everyone. Find someone who can understand your absurdities.

So basically if the conversation ain't flowin' people...it's probably not going to work. So either "hook up" with them (if they are mind numbingly hot only) or simply let them know you aren't interested in the most mature way possible...by not responding or using one worded answers via text message!

So either you've ended this infatuation at Step Two or you verdantly or inadvertently moving into Step Three...

Step Three: Hanging Out
(OH MY GOD, what do I wear, should I shave my legs, are we going to kiss!?) - Girls
(Don't forget to look at her face and not her tits, what if I run out of shit to say...what can I do to impress her?) -Guys

Either way gentleman, you better fucking tell us we look pretty.

Two Options-
1. Hanging out in a group- This is smart. It's casual. Can they hang with your friends or do they sit there with their arms crossed giving the stank face all night? If so please revert to no longer responding to them as mentioned in step two. If they can't pass the friend test then you two will be forced to hangout alone all the time...anger and resentment will ensue and you will end up in a "RELATIONSHIT". Just trust me on this one...okay?

2. Consuming food together, a movie, or some sort of fun sport.- This is cute. I love judging first 'daters' when I am out on a "seemingly lesbian" date with one of my girl friends where I make the server feel very uncomfortable with my awkward accidental lesbain comments.

First daters are so cute. Usually he opens the door for her. If you're me..I like to throw them for a loop and open the door for them. Why, because awkward is my middle name. Duh. But anywho, they try not to look at their cell phones, he smiles, she smiles... the whole time you're praying there isn't anything stuck in your teeth. If one of them goes to the bathroom you worry that they may have slipped out the back and run away because being in public with you is embarrassing and unbearable.  Hopefully there is some good conversation, you learn a little more about each other, and either you realize they are in the "friend zone" or you want to jump their bones.

Then the bill comes and if you're a girl you casually reach toward your bag ever so slowly to get your wallet waiting for them to say, "I have it, put that away". Whew, "jackass" test passed.

What do you do after this? If you had fun...then fucking tell them..that night, phone call, text, facebook post WHATEVER. If you didn't enjoy yourself then use your words... something a little nicer than "You eat like a savage beast, I hate your taste in music, and your strange interest in arachnids creeps me out" is probably perfect.

Step Four: Let's talk about sex.
I mean, if they've passed these tests there's got to be some sort of attraction there...if there isn't you are leading this person on. Do not do this. That's STUPID. Now you just have to figure out if it works.  If this person has hung out with you for a significant amount of time now then they probably want you to kiss them. So just suck it up and do it. I for some reason am ALWAYS the first to kiss the guy. No joke. Maybe I'm too impatient. Maybe it's because I like to wear the pants and I have control issues... oh well.  One of you just fucking do it. Cause the sexual tension is killing you...both.

 

Why doesn't this shit ever happen to me?!

Now here it is, are they a good kisser? Do you like kissing them...do you want the kissing to extend to something more than just kissing? If so...I hope you know what to do And I hope you aren't making out with Tim Tebow because that is a waste of time. He loves Jesus more than he could ever love you.

So there you go...now you have locked lips and shit. What is next


Step Five:  This is my least favorite step. Up until now it's been all sunshine and rainbows...flirting, cute text messages, yummy meals, and not Tim Tebow time...you have two options here my friends. 


Run FAR AWAY! Run far because if you continue to repeat step 1-4 you might find yourself dating someone or even worse IN A RELATIONSHIP. You know what happens in these cases? You develop feelings. I have no idea what those are but I have heard they can be very dangerous and cause your heart to go BOOM BOOM POW whenever that person is around. That sounds AWFUL. So my advice...DON'T FUGGIN DO IT!



Or admit you are a slave to your emotions and a complete and utter idiot by continuing with steps 1-4...waiting for one of you to fuck up the 'good' thing you think you have going. Which trust me, one of you will.

Anywho, I hope you all enjoy the crazy world of dating. I think I am just going to stay in my pjs and watch some Grey's Anatomy...might switch up my drink of choice with some Bailey's on the rocks tonight..it's like an adult milkshake!

Remember, when the going gets tough...the tough run to the bar for tequila.

xo Teen

The Worst, Part 2

Those random little things that just plain SUCK:

I think this is the world oldest car.

When you are too tired to get gas at night and promise yourself you will wake up early just to get gas. Even though you know that NEVER happens. Then you end up being late or hoping and praying the entire ride that you will be blessed with a Jesus like miracle where the gas lasts the entire drive JUST like that bread, fish, wine story in the bible. Is that in the bible? I think there was wine involved? I mean I HOPE there was...a neverending bottle of wine...boy does that sound like heaven.


Being stuck behind the worlds slowest driver. 
"C'mon Nana, you can do it, just put your geriactric enhanced shoe to the pedal!"

When you're kissing someone and your teeth keep hitting theirs.
            *Even worse...if they have cigar breath. I almost never kissed anyone ever again after that smothering experience.


Vomiting. That will never be pleasant.
             *Vomiting in a moving vehicle also has proved to be an amplified displeasure.


When the milk expires and you've only had one glass...like who do I think I am Daddy Warbucks? That shit is expensive...and I'm allergic to it.

SIDENOTE: As you can see I am not very smart. I am a ((Catholic))<*in the lightest, most nonreligious, catch on fire while entering a church sort of way> who doesn't remember a simple story from the bible, I get stuck behind shitty drivers, puke in the car, and make out with smelly people while clanking teeth profusely.

Yeah, I definitely can't pull that off.

Making an ass out of yourself in front of the hot waiter/waitress. I have an adorable friend who does this on a daily basis. Because he's so stinkin' cute he gets away with it. I on the other hand with the clam chowder dripping off my face fishing for the bread crumbs that just fell into my non-existent cleavage cannot. Why do they *ALWAYS* pick that moment in my eating experience to ask me how my meal is?!

When the remote is on the other side of the room and you just sat on the couch with your blanket and pillow. I would literally do anything to not get up. I sit on the couch debating what the hell I should do having yet again found myself in this position...lost and remote-less I imagine my handsome live-in boyfriend casually stepping out of the shower at the opportune moment to hand his lazy, frantic, and distraught girlfriend the remote...funny how THAT never happens eh?

Watching scary movies alone, and then being convinced that there is an axe murderer hiding in your bathroom waiting to chop you into little tiny pieces so you carry a wooden sword around your apartment. Pshhh, I've never done that.


Day old anything...besides marinara sauce...that stuff just gets better. Day old sex hair...c'mon ladies take a freakin' shower. Cookie are notorious for this. They never taste quite the same after

When one night stands and random hookups aren't as fun as they used to be.  As an OBEDIENT AND FAITHFULL  follower of my lord and savior Jesus Christ I know only from what others have told me (Right, Tim Tebow!?) Maybe it's the whole growing up thing. Maybe it's that everyone keeps getting engaged or passing away on us. My friend made a great point about this the other night. "Been there, done that" is what best sums it up. It's sort of fun, you're satisfied but never really full. You know what I mean? Anyway, the love I have found with WINE truly keeps me in a constant state of blissful happiness now and I couldn't be more happy...or ....intoxicated.

Okay...I'm just going to pick the prettiest label!

When you buy a six pack of an artisianal beer and it tastes like feet mixed with morning breath and eyeball boogers. Seriously, the packaging LOOKED so awesome. Well, hats off to you...your marketing materials worked. You fooled me into paying for rancid dinosaur piss.



Feel free to leave some of your "worsts"...But I seriously doubt they will be as clever and well thought as mine.


Lots of non-existent Love,

Teen